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Help me – Help my son

Help me – Help my son2014-02-08T17:08:48+00:00

The Forums Forums For The Non-ADD Counseling? Help me – Help my son

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  • #124086

    mcp
    Member
    Post count: 2

    My son is 20 years old. I’ve always known that there was something going on with him but I could never put my finger on it. I’ve seen doctors, pshychiatrist, pshychologist, counsellors and talked about my difficulties with my son but they always tried to treat me. I have two kids and they are as different as night and day. It’s been very difficult on my son and the whole family. Our story would be to long to write here but recently my son started joking about having ADHD and OCD. He said he had all the symptoms. Some that were not visible to me. I got a few books from Dr. Hallowell and I am now convinced that this is the cause of my son’s suffering. Through all of my years of searching for answers on the internet, nothing seemed to fit but the information in these books was like reading our life history.  This information was great but I am also very angry that with all the years of searching the internet and consulting medical professionals that no one ever suggested that this might be the issue. My challenge now is getting my son to go see a doctor for an assessement. He is afraid and says that he doesn’t want anyone messing with his head. Can anyone give me advice as to how to approach him and convince him to go seek medical help. I am feeling very powerless and hopeless at times, I’m tired of feeling sad. he’s on my mind 24/7.  I am always worried and stressed because I never know what will happen next. I appreciate any advice that you could give me on how to get him there and how to cope. Thank you.

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    #124087

    angelicdemon
    Member
    Post count: 25

    I’m not sure how it might feel for adults finding out they have ADD/ADHD. I’m 22yrs old and my parents took me to the doctor for an assessment when i was like around the age of 5.

    That’s the same way how me and my sister are.We are 100% complete opposites,lol. My mom was also the same with the stress and worrying.With out her getting on to me all the time i probably wouldn’t have done as well as I did from per-school-high school.Also i would probably be in much worse shape so i really appreciate all the times she would push me to do things.

    Honestly if he really does think he might have ADD/ADHD he really should see a doctor to confirm it.It’s much better to know than to never know.

    The last time i saw a doctor for any type of  assessment thing it’s really nothing to freak out over.Mainly just answer some questions and talk to the doctor and then hear what he thinks.Even if the doctor tells y’all that he does have ADD/ADHD It doesn’t mean the end of the world.

    Just remind him not to think that if they say he does that it doesn’t make him any dumber or smarter if that’s one thing he’s worried about.It doesn’t change your life to much just some small changes.To me the biggest part having ADD/ADHD really impacts is school,relationships,and jobs.Even then with school just having a tutor can be a big help with grades and dealing with school.Relationships just need let the other person know and educate them about it.The job part is trying to get out there,be on time,do what the boss wants,and not wander around.

    If your still badly worried then i think you should both talk to a therapist.Atm i see a therapist and the dude is freaken awesome and super helpful.He’s helped me be more open and honest with my parents than i have in my entire life.Me and my parents still aren’t really buddy buddy but we talk much better.

    I hope i was helpful in some ways and wasn’t to off topic,lol.

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    #124088

    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    @mcd

    I can understand how you feel. But in defense of the doctors, ADHD is very difficult to diagnose. It is a spectrum disorder and it effects everyone differently. And it looks like so many other things. Also, there are still a lot of people out there who don’t believe it exists. And it can be very hard to find what you need on the Internet when you don’t know what you are looking for. But you have come to the right place now.

    First, I suggest that your son read as much as possible about ADHD himself and learn about the diagnostic procedure and treatment options. Knowledge is power and it can help to ease the fear. There are self tests available online that are very similar to the ones the psych will use in the assessment. You can find links to some of them on this site. They will give him an idea of what to expect.

    Second, try find a doctor who specializes in ADHD. If you can find one who specializes in diagnosing and treating adults that would be even better. You need someone who is knowledgable and understanding.

    I am not sure what kind of “messing with his head” it is that he’s afraid of. Is it talking to the psychiatrist? Or is it the medications?

    As far as the psych goes, he will probably only have to go 2 or 3 times at the most and he never has to go to see a psych again if he doesn’t want to. He may have to answer a few uncomfortable questions and it is best to be completely honest. It’s important to get an accurate diagnosis. But it’s relatively painless.

    And as for medication, there are many different options to choose from. If he is not comfortable with some of them then he doesn’t have to try those ones. And of he is worried that it will somehow change who he is, it won’t. If he is taking the right medication at the right dosage it should only make him more able to be himself, to be the person he is capable of being when the ADHD doesn’t get in the way. He can also choose not to take medication at all. Many people are able to cope without it.

    What is most important is that he develop some coping strategies. If he does have ADHD he will always have it. So he needs to learn how to live with it. Exercise, a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, activities to reduce stress, etc. will help. What he needs will depend on his unique set of symptoms and his circumstances.

    And last but not least, take care of yourself. Being so stressed is not good for your health.

    If you have any more questions please post them here. You are not alone. 🙂

     

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    #124089

    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    “The job part is trying to get out there,be on time,do what the boss wants,and not wander around.”

    LOL @angelicdemon. Easier said than done. 😉

    but when you know the source of the problem it is easier to know what you need to do to fix it.

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    #124091

    kc5jck
    Participant
    Post count: 845

    @mpc – My story is quite similar to yours.  20 year old son –  daughter 3 years older – different (academically) as night and day – slipped through all the ADHD recognition cracks for 20 years – knew something was amiss ( but being diagnosed as ADHD myself the year after my son, I was clueless) – son was first to realize he might have ADHD – found our life history in the pages of the ADHD literature (and the Rosetta Stone of how our mind works) – ticked off because of all the lost time (both for him and myself)

    Yeah, I know where you are coming from.  I know it real well.

    The advice above is as good as I could give.  I’ll just add or reiterate – learn all you can about ADHD and beware, there is a lot of bad and misinformation out there.  Check this site’s store for books that  have gotten Rick’s “seal of approval.”  Some of us, me included, like the “you tube” videos of Russell Barkley.  I find them quite informative.

    If some caregiver is going to mess with your son’s head, you need to go somewhere else and find someone who “knows” about ADHD.

    I think of the medication this way: When my son drinks beer, he makes bad decisions and it has bad “side effects”.  When he takes Adderall, it helps him make good decisions and the benefits outweigh the adverse side effects.  The effect of either lasts about the same.  So perhaps your son can think of the meds as “smart pills.”

    It’s probably best, if diagnosed, that you son not disclose his ADHD unnecessarily.  People who have done so seem to meet with negative results.

    Finally, about a year ago, my son expressed the sentiment that he wished he had been diagnosed and gotten meds long before it happened.  It’s really caused him a lot of lost time, effort, and expense.

    So if you want the bright side to my son’s story, about ten months ago, he met this incredibly beautiful outgoing coed who not only adores him, but so does her parents and grandparents.  She’s two years younger and just graduated.  Now he is highly motivated and is bustin’ his a$$ to finish up school and graduate.  I sure hope it works out . . .

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    #124111

    sdwa
    Participant
    Post count: 363

    I would suggest letting him start by looking at a checklist of ADHD symptoms  if you have not done this with the Hallowell books. My preference is for the list provided by Russell Barkley in his book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. There is also an assessment questionnaire here on Totally ADD. There is something called the Brown Scale, which identifies different areas of impairment – you can probably Google it.

    Let him approach this as an exercise in simply gathering information. There is no need to draw any conclusion right away – just check it out, see how it feels, see if it makes sense.

    Often we have trouble trusting our own perceptions, and that can make us feel vulnerable to the opinions of others.

    If your son decides to be seen for a professional assessment, it is important to find a professional who has specialized training in ADHD. These people are somewhat difficult to find, but they do exist. Whether it’s a psychiatrist or therapist or medical doctor or any other type of treatment provider, it is absolutely imperative that this person have ADHD expertise.

    I say this because I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 45 – I probably saw 20 therapists in 20 years, few of whom helped, many of whom made things worse because they didn’t understand the problem. (If I had that money back now, I could retire – I wish).

    I can completely identify with your struggle to get help for your son, and feeling like you were being blamed, like it was your problem – this is what comes of the ignorance out there in the world about ADHD. My guess is no one caught the problem before because it is not well understood, and seemingly is only now entering the public awareness.

    I understand your anger and frustration. On the bright side, if your son gets diagnosed now, when he’s still young, he will then be in a position to learn about what will help him going forward – rather than endure decades of his adult life with no clue what’s going on and tons of self-recrimination, which many of us diagnosed later in life have experienced.

    As for people getting into his head –  it seems to me that the people who don’t understand ADHD are more likely to get into your head – because they will try to make a neurological problem an emotional problem.

    He doesn’t have to take medication or do anything he doesn’t want to do.

    What I’ve found most helpful is listening to the stories of people with this diagnosis and recognizing the patterns – they are, as you say, like hearing about your own life history. It might help him a lot to hear what other people are going through. Maybe there is a CHADD support group in your area, or a support group sponsored by another ADHD organization like ADDA. There are also a number of online message boards, like this one.

    It’s hard to get help with this issue for a variety of reasons – the main one being there are too few qualified professionals, another the financial barrier to obtaining services, and another the mega-hassle of trying to get medication (if desired) due to restrictions on the classification of drug used to treat it.

    In my experience, ADHD coaching has been the most helpful form of support.

    He might benefit from listening to free online webinars or radio shows like Attention Talk Radio. David Giwerc’s book Permission to Proceed is among the best. Rick Green’s ADD Stole My Car Keys is great for help in recognizing patterns. I also highly recommend Alan Brown’s ADD Crusher videos (you can find them free on YouTube). Checking this stuff out would all be simple ways of finding out if he identifies with common ADHD challenges – without having to make a commitment to any particular action.

    My guess is that if you both educate yourselves about ADHD, it will become apparent to you if this is the problem he’s having – because the patterns are pretty unmistakable. ADHD manifests a bit differently for each of us (some do fine in school, for example, while others really struggle with it), but the big picture is pretty much the same. I would imagine that the more you learn about it, the clearer it will become what’s going on. Then you’ll have information you can take to a doctor to explain why you think he might have ADHD.

     

     

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    #124119

    kc5jck
    Participant
    Post count: 845

    “ADHD manifests a bit differently for each of us” reminds me of something that occurred to me recently which is:

    While ADHD can explain why a person acts as they do, it cannot predict what they will be like.

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    #124129

    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    What sdwa and kc5jck said.

    There is nothing more that can be added to that. The resources sdwa mentions are some of the best. I am not big on studying or researching much so I haven’t read/watched most of them myself.  But I have picked up some bits and pieces here and there, which is how I learn most things.

    I did read “ADD Stole My Car Keys” and I would recommend it as a starting point because it is very simply written, quick to read and easy to understand. It isn’t overly detailed or filled with long chapters of scientific explanations. It pinpoints the signs of ADD and ways in which it affects your life in very short chapters that can literally be read in 5 minutes or less, before you start to get bored and stop paying attention. 😉

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    #124131

    mcp
    Member
    Post count: 2

    I want to thank each and every one of you for your response. I have been feeling very isolated with this situation for many years therefore I appreciate all your knowledge, ressources and support. And yes you do get blamed, I’ve had people telling me that (I’m too strict, I’m not strict enough, If he was my kid he wouldn’t ….,blah, blah, blah. A few weeks ago when I asked my family doctor to recommend a health professional that specializes in adult ADHD. She gave me a name but then told me that ADD doesn’t affect behavior and to STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR MY SON. So again, I was treated like a weak stupid parent that just has a kid with an attitude problem. I can understand why some people just give up. Even though I know she’s wrong, she still made me question myself yet again. How am I suppose to trust that she will give him the referral we need to go see another doctor?

    Despite this Dr. I have still been looking for a medical professional that specializes in adult ADHD but i’m not sure what questions to ask. I have two Dr’s that recommended a psychiatrist in our region but how can I be sure he’s qualified? What should I check for?

     

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    #124136

    shutterbug55
    Participant
    Post count: 430

    @mcp

    I know I am coming into this conversation late. Please relay this to your son:

    Dear mcp’s son.

    At this point in your life you have a fantastic choice. We all get to make choices which have effects on our lives. But few people get to know how important those choices are BEFORE they make them. This one, the one you have before you is one of those important ones and you get to make it early in your life.

    In your heart of hearts, you know you are not like other people. You know you struggle with things most people do as easily as breathe. You know you do things and think about things that most people don’t or can’t. Have you ever wondered why? Of course you have. We all have.

    You have been told that you might have ADD, and that is scary. I know. Don’t worry. Being ADD is not a death sentence. It is a LIFE sentence. It is scary. You have to change. You have to work. You have to learn, You have to discover. You have to be VERY honest with yourself. And you have to grieve.

    Why do you grieve? You grieve because your life is different from other people. That difference now has a name, and there is nothing you can do about it. Your “perfect life” is not perfect any more. It is a terrible loss. I have been through that grieving process, and so has everyone at TotallyADD. It is real. You not only grieve for yourself, you grieve for your (lost) dreams you had for yourself. You had envisioned a wonderful life reaching your goals and your success. Now it is not to be and, in a way, is the loss of that dream.

    I can tell you, son of mcp, that getting a diagnosis, will only HELP you attain your dreams. You just won’t get to them the way you thought you would, but you will reach your goals. Who knows? With the diagnosis and the tools you will learn, you may find even better dreams to chase.

    Getting a diagnosis will take away most of that fear, because a diagnosis answers more questions than it asks.

    Good luck, and remember: You are not alone.

     

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    #124144

    kc5jck
    Participant
    Post count: 845

     

    then told me that ADD doesn’t affect behavior and to STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR MY SON

    My wife tells me to stop making excuses to her about our son.  She doesn’t understand .  .  . and is unwilling to learn anything about ADHD.  She figures it’s not her problem.  What she knows about ADHD is what she has read from asinine articles like the one in the New York Times a while back.

    Yeah, I know where you are coming from.  I know it real well.

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    #124145

    sdwa
    Participant
    Post count: 363

    @mcp

    ADHD absolutely does affect behavior. Any claim to the contrary is (how can I put this politely?)  incorrect.

    It absolutely affects behavior…

    from emotionality and impulsivity

    to difficulty processing a conversation

    to poor time management

    losing things

    general disorganization

    low frustration tolerance

    heightened environmental sensitivity

    poor quality sleep

    trouble focusing on boring mundane tasks

    difficulty with transitions from one activity to another….

    just to name a few.

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    #124146

    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    I’m not as polite as sdwa. That doctor is an idiot. And I thought mine was bad. 🙄

    I have to be the devil’s advocate here for a minute though. ADD should not be used as an excuse. It is an explanation, as in “Oops, I forgot to set my alarm again. I am having trouble with that and I will have to find a way to fix it.” Not “I forgot to set my alarm again but it’s not my fault, I have ADD, I can’t remember things. It’s not fair to expect me to do it.”

    I am not blaming you as a parent. I am sure you did your best. You had a challenging child that you didn’t know how to help. Most parents don’t have a clue what they are doing with, or to, their kids. That’s what keeps therapists, and comedians, in business. 😉

    I have been down the “I have ADD and there’s nothing I can do about it” road. Trust me, it’s not a trip your son wants to take. He needs to take control of his life. He will always struggle and there may be some things he will never be able to control. And no matter how hard he tries, he’s going to make mistakes. And those behaviour patterns will keep repeating. But he can learn to manage them better. He can develop strategies that work for him to control the ADD and create more positive patterns of behaviour. He is still young and he has a great opportunity to get on the right track now, before he ends up with half a lifetime of regrets and emotional baggage.

    ADHD is a very strange thing. It can be very subtle and affect your life in ways that you don’t see. Because we are all intelligent and capable. It’s not that we don’t know how to do things, it’s that we can’t do them despite knowing how. I am still in the learning process myself. And I still trip over my tongue every time I try to say “I have a disability”. I have never thought of myself as disabled. I didn’t see a lot of the ways ADHD has affected my life until I found this forum and started reading about other people’s experiences. And now I finally know why it is that I just can’t seem to keep the house clean for more than 2 days, why the clutter always creeps back no matter how many times I get rid of it, and why the laundry never gets sorted, or folded, or put away. And why I can’t be on time to save my life. And why I left an open can of soup on the counter again last night.

    Now the question is, what do I do with that soup? Is it possibly still safe to eat?…….

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    #124150

    trashman
    Member
    Post count: 546

    I think Rick could wright another book from all the great posts and insights that these wise group leave us to process here, in this thread and all the rest of so many Great post through out these forms. He could call it , Real life insights of ADHD that some people don’t believe are real and those that are living in it daily!!!

    GREAT JOB ALL!!!!!!

     

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    #124151

    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    Hey! Why should Rick get to write the book? Some of the rest of us might be interested in doing it ya know. 😉

    Seriously though, another Totally ADD book would be a good idea. If Rick, or anyone, has the time to do it. And the motivation. And the focus.

    I like the title @trashman. 😉

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