Hiding From Responsibility

[seabassd]

I’m in a very familiar bad place again.

I’m dodging picking up the phone and looking at my emails for fear that it’s work tracking me down. I work for myself but rely on one primary client. I’ve fallen behind on requests and have ducked having to face the music. I’m literally avoiding them. I have not contacted them for at least 2 weeks. I know, that’s horrible! It’s like I couldn’t though. Things just snow-balled. I needed a break. I was falling behind and couldn’t keep up. Sure I could work from sun-up to sun-down but I always do that (either I can work or play, but I have trouble doing both). Yes, there’s procrastination in there, but it’s not with the intent of avoiding it’s just me trying to let my brain rest ( or at least that is what I tell myself). I’ve always been flaky and I’ve worked with this customer for many years and they’re a bit use to it, but I get the feeling that they are starting to get fed up or at least that’s what I’m thinking.

It’s to the point where the client is calling family phones in order to try to reach me. I saw a phone call come across from them on caller ID at my brother-in-laws house. No-one but myself was there to get it (so I didn’t pick it up…too embarrassed and not sure what to say), but I’m starting to get that fight or flight feeling which I hate so much.

Sometimes I feel like it would just be better to be homeless, or live some ferrel life in the woods. I know that’s crazy talk, but I figured you all could relate to the feeling. It’s such a selfish thought, considering the rough patches my family has had to endure over the years with me.

Ugh…I hate digging myself out of holes. I’m so embarrassed, so ashamed. I’m also afraid of facing the work load. I feel that I’ve let people down again. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m trying so hard. There’s this feeling like I just wish everyone would leave me alone and give me space. I say to myself…”Stop bugging me, I’m figuring things out, just give me some space.”

I just responded to an email requesting that I call them with something like “Sorry I’ve been out of pocket, things will be back to normal shortly.” They responded back with “Can you call me?”. I don’t want to call them. I’m afraid. I don’t know what to say. It’s hard to explain myself. I don’t even know why I flake out, or at least I have trouble remembering why I flake out. It’s just so exhausting digging myself out of these situations.

What do you-all think? I just needed to share. Wanted to feel like someone could relate to me.

Thanks

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[sar316]

What is the worst possible thing they could say, keeping in mind that most people are reasonable human beings that don’t appreciate conflict?

Could be what your avoiding is a false perception of what is required of you and is made worse by habitual inaccurate anxiety and anticipation for this type of situation?

Perhaps it would help to accept that you can do what you can do and only you can decide what or how much that is. With that, there is no doing any more than you feel you can and wether others choose to accept that is their choice.

You are worthy of limits and you are the only person in charge of maintaing/running your body so you are the only one that can understand when its had enough, and that’s ok, as long as you put in what effort you understand is acceptable for yourself with out overdoing it.

Maybe try understand your perception of the situation and whether it should be re-defined or no. Then do what you can do today and leave what you can’t for tomorrow.

This thought process really helps me when my anxiety flairs up. Good luck!

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[seabassd]

@sar316

Thanks so much for your help. You were right on target. I was building everything up in my head to the point it appeared insurmountable. I was also demanding that I preform at a level of expectation and in a way that did not take into account my limitations as a person with ADHD and as a human. I cut myself some slack and accepted that I can only do today what I can based on wherever I’m at at this particular time. That helped decrease some of the anxiety which then led to me finally making some small steps forward. I actually looked at missed emails and guess what, they were not as bad as I had built up in my head. I responded to a couple. I also completed another simple request that help build momentum. I did some work in a different room of the house which helped stimulate things as well.

Your words helped me feel less scared and removed some of the anxiety that allowed me to move forward. I loss perspective for a bit. I’ll remember this lesson.

Thanks so much!

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[makwa]

Sometimes I feel like it would just be better to be homeless, or live some ferrel life in the woods.

I took this path, and so far so good!
I can totally relate to what you’re saying about phone anxiety. There’s a clip in the animated film Despicable Me 2, where he really drives home the point and uses a flame thrower to melt the phone.

I really don’t care for feeling pressured, and getting the fight or flight feeling really sucks, I don’t care for it so much, that I moved from the bustle of city life to the peacefulness of the mountains. On that note, this town is growing to large, and I’m moving  further into the more remote areas of the forest.

I’ll let you know how it works out.

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[blackdog]

Hi @seabassd

Im on my phone so I dont know how well this will work. At a six year old girls soccer game and bored out of my gourd.

I just wanted to let you know how much i can relate to everything you said. Even the bit about it being better to be homeless or live in the woods. Ive thougt that more times than i can count.

Im glad to see you are feeling better about it now and making some headway. Thank you for sharing. Im kind of in the same place right now and reading this really helped. 😉

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[sar316]

@seabassd,

I was a little apprehensive posting advice because what works for me isn’t always appreciated by others.

I’m glad it was helpful!

 

 

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[blackdog]

@sar316, don’t be apprehensive. Your advice was great. Sure, what works for you may not work for others. But then again it might. Just go ahead and post it and let the person decide for themselves. And if they don’t find it helpful, maybe someone else will.

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[seabassd]

@blackdog and @sar316,

@sar316 Your response actually helped me a lot. Keep it up.

Thanks

@makwa Let me know how it goes. When I can, I alway head out to West Texas (Big Bend) every year or every other year finances permitting. There’s a whole lot of nothing out there and I absolutely love it.

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[seabassd]

I’ve been posting a lot lately, but it’s helping me through a difficult time.

I wanted to post an update to the situation.

I’ve been making some progress since the original post and I’ve identified a couple of the culprits that helped create the situation. As far as progress goes, I’ve called three people who I had dropped the ball on and was evading. It wasn’t easy to do. I read the sar316 response (posted above) over and over during the process, which helped a bunch. If you’re like me, it’s hard to pull info from memory so I rely on rereading things. The reactions were a little varied, but none so-far have been overwhelming. I did a lot of pacing around the house and shaking my body out before each call. Anxiety was present before and during each call, but I knew that in order to start feeling better the calls would need to be made. After each call I was still anxious but hopeful. I knew the anxiety would be present on each proceeding call but I also knew that I could do it, get through it, and still be alive and breathing. It’s taken me 8 days to get to this point and my anxiety has decreased dramatically. I would like to mention that I didn’t just make call after call without hesitation. I had to build up to it. I started by responding to a single email, then another, then cleaned my work area, mowed the yard, slept, took breaks, stopped working early, etc. Basically I was kind to myself. Every small step, every break, bit by bit led me to handling the problem.

I have one more call to make, and yes, I’m not looking forward to it, and yes there is some anxiety there. I’ll make it tomorrow, I’ve faced enough demons today. However the call goes I know when all is said and done that I’m moving in the right direction.

In this post I won’t address the culprits that helped get me in this situation. It’s a bit wordy as is and I’m sure I’ll make another post tomorrow after the phone call.

Thanks for listening.

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[sar316]

@seabassd

That’s great! Any progress is progress and that alone somedays is worth celebrating. I’m glad to hear that your trying to take care of yourself and you are respecting your limits.

Good luck with your last call and I hope it will go adequately. Try not to stress more than is rationally required.

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[Stash]

@seabassd – I TOTALLY get that feeling of being completely unable to act. Intellectually you know what you need to do, and you may even suspect that it won’t really be that bad once you do it (particularly if you’ve been down this path multiple times), but something freezes you up inside and others see as super simple and straightforward becomes your own personal Mount Everest!
I have been on a combo of meds for a few months now and just this past week dealt with some bureaucratic stuff right away, as it happened!! The situation I was dealing with (driver’s licence stuff) was a result of past inaction, but as soon as I learned of it, I dealt with it. There’s still lots of stuff that I’m hiding from, but the sense of empowerment after dealing with this one issue is amazing. Baby steps.
Btw – don’t know you, but very proud of you for making those calls! My anxiety level rose just reading your original post!! 🙂

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[seabassd]

@Stash Just got off the phone. My final call. This person is someone who I’ve worked closely with since the early 90’s. I really really didn’t want them to be disappointed in me. The call went well, and they were very understanding. In my head I pictured them getting mad at me and breaking off contact. They were in no way in that mind frame. As a matter a fact they were primarily disappointed that they couldn’t reach me to go out for lunch when they happened to be visiting family in my area. Strange that my brain blew everything out of proportion…RIGHT! 

YOU WERE RIGHT ON POINT. It’s so true that there is a sense of empowerment that comes from walking through difficult things. You don’t want to do it, but when you get on the other side of it you feel different, stronger (not in an arrogant way).

Btw – don’t know you, but very proud of you for making those calls! My anxiety level rose just reading your original post!! 

Thanks…that makes me feel good.

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[Stash]

Fantastic!
I actually laughed when I read that you missed out on a lunch! We can be so ridiculous sometimes, eh? Oh well, good imaginations anyway!

Ride the wave of this accomplishment. Celebrating our successes is so important, and we’re the only ones who really understand what we’ve overcome.

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[marr]

SEABASSD doing the happy dance for you! Thanks for sharing your process, that was brave and helpful to me. Thanks.

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[bobd51758]

Thanks Seabassd for posting this subject . I was reading  about you not wanting to answer a call or an e mail for a couple of weeks , and it hit me that  I’m trying to understand why my head starts to go all over the place when I need to make an important call , but not that difficult , really ? I start making excuses to put it off , in my mind , and try to figure out the whole scenario before I can approach making the call . Holy crap , I get exhausted from my head doing all this accepting an idea , then complicating it , and then rejecting it , then it repeats  . I think it relates with what your talking about  ? I wonder if it’s the ADHD , that creates these problems  , or is it insecurities or depression that it starts from ?  I’m glad you’ve moved forward , catching up , and getting back on track !   Thanks , again for sharing !

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