I can't focus enough to read all these other topics, so I'll start my own.

[Anonymous]

Hi y’all. I’m 42 and just diagnosed. Still haven’t gotten full report nor started meds. But I just wanted to say HOLY COW! I can’t believe I’ve gone my whole life feeling so flipping different than everyone else, wondering what was wrong, spending so much time in therapy, so many drugs, so many diagnosis, yet I still always felt SOMETHING WAS MISSING.

“Why can’t I ever get anything done?”

“Why am I so bright yet such a failure?”

“Why do I hate myself so much?”

“Why am I so angry all the time?”

“Why can’t I finish a task without feeling like I’m about to explode from energy?”

AND

“Doug, you’re not living up to your potential”

“Doug, why are you in detention yet again?”

“Doug, we love you, but you have to learn to pay attention”

“Doug, your problem is Major Depressive Disorder”

“Doug, your problem is Bipolar Disorder”

“Doug, you have Panic Disorder”

“Doug, you have PTSD”

“Doug, you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder”

“Doug, you’re an Alcoholic”

“Doug, why can’t you just get your s**t together?”

“Doug, why do you worry so much?”

AHHHHHH!

That’s what I’ve felt like since I was 4 years old. Something inside of me trying to get out. And three months ago, I got sober. And I think maybe, just maybe, my head started to clear enough for me to look at things from a different angle. And I just stumbled upon something about ADD online. BOOM! Lightning bolts went off. The heavens opened. My wife said “holy s***, Doug, this is you to a T!”

And it is. I am still shocked, bewildered, confused. BUT I HAVE SOME REAL HOPE for the first time since I can remember. To dare to hope! I had long since given up on feeling true happiness in my life. Could it possibly be?

What will it feel like to be able to concentrate for the first time in my life? To let get of this awful feeling that I am abject failure.

THANK YOU ALL for being here. I am not a religious person, but god bless.

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[ashockley55]

Yes, YES! This is how I feel exactly. I’m so glad you have some hope. I’m looking for some hope, too.

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[Anonymous]

Yay! So glad to hear that what I had to say resonated with someone else. It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around all the years of being adrift that didn’t have to be that way. But then again, it couldn’t have happened any other way; all my life experiences lead me to the moment where I was ready to start down a whole new path.

Hoping that you find hope soon

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[Tiddler]

Dougie, you’re about the same age as me and I’ve recently found out too. It helps so much to know, doesn’t it?

Here’s to the next 40+ years! They’re going to be MUCH better!

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[Anonymous]

I will second that, TIddler! Here’s to new possibilities

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[Anonymous]

mmmhmm. everything you wrote and said and heard all yer life–same here. I also am ‘recovering’–as best i can-alcoholic/addict. Although the guilt-ridden part of me–i guess the way i adapted-if u call it that-to people criticizing-and my own self-hate–makes me feel that i still am an addict because i ‘need’ and take suboxone.i don’t get high at all from it, but somehow, something in me, makes me feel that only an addict needs pills everyday-or something everyday. well, dougie, i just signed up myself here, thought yer thread was funny so i looked at it. i don’t feel like i can read either–i sure can talk, tho :] I was diagnosed about 8 mos ago-my Dr (&I) haven’t found anything that is very helpful. I am still hopeful, tho. I see him in a week again–and i told him over the phone that i think i should’ve paid closer attention to any subtleties that may have ben a result of the meds i have already taken i basicallyt asked if we could maybe start over. Well, i feel like i talk too much -and that it’s all about me–so i’m sorry for that. I’m not used to having friends–i’vebeen too “busy” in life–isolating–haha. Good luck, though. Stay sober. Nothing (I mean substances) will make yer life better, except ACCEPTANCE, perhaps and maybe a little understanding and patience. I’m pretty much feelin’ the same as u. I’;m still always feelin guilty-even over droppin’ out of a pretty good-well, very good nursing school–that was 15 yrs ago. whoa. g’nite-I’m gonna try to see what it feels like to get some sleep now. take care!!

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[Anonymous]

Family Physician calls it ADHD….Now after waiting three weeks to see the phsyciatrist I randomly cancel the appointment by email because I can’t find my insurance card. That has been lost for who knows how long. I finally find my husbands card and say cool this should work..realizing I have already cancelled the appointment. Now here I am having slight anxiety because I know I will have to wait another three weeks to randomly tell someone my thoughts that are driving me crazy. So I sit on the computer trying to re-email the physiciatrist and wondering how I can explain myself without sounding like a crazy person and try to explain..I found my card…I don’t want to cancel…can I get a morning instead of afternoon..because of course when I scheduled the first one I forgot a prior engagement I had already scheduled the same time and for the love of God please see me now and not make me a wait another three weeks! And of course the email never got sent….and i have decided it is best to call Monday morning before I make a complete ass of muself jumping from one random thought to another and not even addressing what I actually want to say. This has become my life….I have faked who I am and have hid behind it all my life. I thought I had perfected the perfect Mom..the perfect wife…the one everyone would talk about ” I don’t know how she does it” and have others say “I wish I had your energy” and say things like “how do you stay so positive?” Where did i go?? And then i realized i had never actually left…i was just so good at the acting part! Always knew I should of been an actress. I am in the back and fourth stage right now my friends. Please be patient i will get there one way or another! I truly am fighting to see all of the positives and the ” now I know and can fix it”….. This is just a bad day and I’m sorry for the let down. I know I will bring myself back up…but this is my reality today. Feeling embarrassed now that my husband and my children know that Mom is actually a real person and not the superhuman they thought she was. But…… I have tomorrow and I hope to bring it! Enough of my ridiculous random pitty party!! Thanks for letting me vent and I look forward to moving forward with the world of Totally ADD ! Don’t worry I promise to bring the positive next time! Love ya! And I hope this makes some kind of sense because I’m not going back to check!

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[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

Just like many of you in this forum, my life started after 40. Before, I was another person. I didn’t live my own life. My head was not in my body. Like Dougie said, something was alway missing. I was missing. Having my son (he went to 3 different schools in 4 years) diagnosed with ADHD was a blessing. They found out I had ADHD too, after lots of wrong diagnosis and meds, just like Dougie. I also lose everything all the time: cards, car keys, my head… I’m the queen of unfinished projects. There was the rage about all that lost time, all the lost potential. I’m on the road to acceptance, one day at a time. Each new day is a struggle, even on meds, but after 2 years, I feel more in control. I’m now able to hope again, to have dreams. Glad I found this forum and to know I’m not alone. It sure feels alone among other people, but not with you guys. Cheers to hope!

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[trashman]

I am reading and relating to all the stories. right know my struggle is my 21 year old has not come to the place where he admits he needs help. the sad thing is he lets me know he is hurting but thinks I don’t know what I am talking about. hard to watch.

at 47 my story sounds a lot like the rest with an extra dose of crazy. still very toxic at times ,but I don’t like that part of me. so life goes on!

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[Anonymous]

I was 39 when I was diagnosed. I’m on Vyvanse and that helps me get unstuck from hyperfocusing to death and I have a ADHD coach that is amazing, she teaches me all kinds of tools that are actually helpful and for me the combination of the meds and the coach has made an unbelievable difference in my life. They are both a bit expensive but completely worth it.

I think Adderol is a bit cheaper than vyvanse but that is what I was recommended and the coach I use works at One Focus Total success

Hope that helps someone

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[Robbo]

Thanks Dougie,

You’ve done a great job of voicing the same feelings a lot of us in our 40’s feel, give or take about 20, lol. So many in our forties though…

I’m happy to hear you’re getting some help with the drink. For me it’s “The disease called more” It’s not jut booze I’ve got to be aware and/or afraid of. All the behaviors, chemicals, flesh, comedy, Music even!… all of the stuff that makes the dopamine flow into my brain and give me the temporary fix. “More” is only a temp. Solution. Moderation is my key to happiness. Starting with moderation of how much time I spend here most recently.

I ain’t no expert, that’s all I’m sure about.

Here I hope you’ll find guidance to the correct diagnosis and treatment. You’ll find more permanent solutions. There’s a chance you’ll end up taking less medication overall, like me. This will be hard work. Hang tough, this web site is in the midst of expansion and change, you’ll learn patience. This will help you. Please stick around. Grab on to your patience and never let go… “Keep coming back” here as well as there. It works. (If you work it)

Trashman

I’m going through a very similar problem as yours. I’m 47, found out sat. My daughter will be moving 2 states away in less than a month. She’s almost done with her Internship at a top University. I’m less educated (Obviously to some of ya) It should probably say at University, right???? (wild guess) I just don’t get English. Enywayzzz.

I get what you say Trashman. I feel that desperate desire to help my own flesh and blood, but know I can’t grow up for her. I can’t feel her pain for her. Nobody could have grown me up but me. Not that I’m done. You get what I’m saying though. Every part of you is getting better, healthier. Maybe give yourself a break. Perfect parents rarely exist in this world. It’s likely you’re more perfect for your son, than anyone else. We all need more than just our parents to become grown men. Let him feel his growing pains, listen. Care. The rest is just magic.

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[Anonymous]

Hi to you all,

I relate to all your stories in so many ways. Excess behavior, temporary fixes, hyperfocusing to death. Surfing on the Net ’til my eyes hurt. Can’t shut the computer down. Not enough sleep. Still working on finding the perfect med dosage, but getting there soon, I hope.

I’m caring for an 11 year old ADHD boy with oppositional behavior. Hardly able to manage myself and give myself a routine, when I’m the one that should give him a routine. Feeling guilty for not being a good role model. How do you tell a young boy you have ADHD just like him and that you take the same meds? Is he too young to know the truth? He’s already mad at the world for having that. He tells me it’s my fault just because he heard it’s hereditary and yet, he doesn’t know I have it. I tried to tell him, but words don’t come out. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Thanks for sharing your stories.

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[Anonymous]

Hang in there Quiscale. I hope today is better. I find myself obsessing over being a perfect parent! I think I controlled a lot of my ADHD when I knew I had to “be” that perfect role model. I joined the PTA, room parents…every activity at the schools I was there and said yes to everything! Not knowing I expected my kids to have all A’s….because they were bright and “not” the student I was. They are gate students! And I would exceed very well in some of my classes and completely bomb in other ones. I’m noticing a few things in my daughter that show the signs of ADD….but still processing and trying to be sure before moving forward. Finding out about family members having it..including my Mom. Questioning am I doing the right thing…I was the wife and Mom who had it together or so I thought. Haha Then I began to say no here and there. Told myself I have to slow down…Well I stopped doing some things..but then find myself just doing just as much but in other areas of my children’s lives. When this happened….my ADHD went into a frenzy! Don’t think to much is my

advice….As hard as it is you must replace all of those negative things with positive. Just try and replace it immediately. Trying to “control” our thoughts is the hardest thing for each of us…I know. Believe me! Take it one day at a time..then one week and so on. I am in the beginning process of changing my habits…Still seeking the right mentor. Dealing with something I’ve never heard of until recently. I am just happy I found a support page. Whether to vent…to be happy..or call it a day! Haha I’m completely off subject with this post…but it does feel good to not be alone. Love ya!

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[g.laiya]

quiscale i can totally relate to feeling the guilt of being , say, sub-optimal mother….i hate myself sometimes…often…no, always, for being so irritable and not having patience and blowing up with my kids, and not providing an organized, orderly life environment, not being a good role model for good habits for them to learn…being different….being sad,depressed,exhausted almost all the time….being so dysfunctional….. feeling overwhelmed is the theme of my life. i have 2 wonderful children, and i love them so very much….really, even though i often get frustrated with them (on top of everything else in life that is frustrating and annoying to me) if it were not for them i may have checked out long ago.

i have not been diagnosed with anything, not recently anyway. some years back i participated in a clinical study that i qualified for due to symptoms of depression and anxiety… the med helped a little, but when the study was over i was basically on my own again. tried various other meds off and on over the years with varying degrees of success, but in more recent years i gave up because i wasn’t seeing results because i would forget to take the meds….then with pregnancy and breastfeeding didn’t want to start any meds.

when i was in 4th grade my teacher told my parents i needed to have a medical evaluation – she thought i had a brain tumor because i was always in my own world/daydreaming and told them that although the work i did turn in was very good, i almost never completed my assignments. but when the brain scan and eeg were normal(i think that is what they did), no more investigation was done. around the same time i tested as “gifted” so i guess they figured everything was ok. i did sufficiently well in school using my ability to “get in the zone” when i had a fire lit under my butt(my mother and teachers had very high expectations of me, and was able to produce…most of the time). but in college….another whole story….changing my major about every semester, my records littered with “w” and “I”..and some “f” when i would forget or procrastinate too long to be able to get the w or i. uggg. never did get my bachelors degree, but sometime later was able to get my degree dc – again thanks to the ability to (sometimes) get into hyperfocus zone and somewhat compensate for the rest of the time that i’m a slug – or at least feel like one…or maybe a sloth, idk….but i digress….about 40 YEARS….40 YEARS!!!! after the initial red flag! i was channel surfing and happened upon the pbs show…..and the lightbulb went on….and i came to this site to investigate further…and OMG! why oh why oh why didn’t somebody – including me – look into this before?!?!

and now my new fear is….what if i go to a psych to get a dx and tx and i’m told no, you are not add, you just need to focus and get your sh@# together you crazy, lazy, incompetent b@#$%……ok, i don’t really think a psych would use those exact words, but you get the point. i digressed again, didn’t i.

so, to get back to you,quiscal, i also have a special needs child. he is classified as asd, but more and more i’ve become aware that may …no, probably…has co-morb of add….i need to get him evaluated again, and will consider meds too, though i hate to put him through all the side effects/trial and error/withdrawal….it’s so difficult as adults, but heartwrenching to think of my 7 year old having to go through this…you know….

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[g.laiya]

also dougie what you wrote resonated with me too

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[Author]

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