Thanks for the encouragement trashman, maybe that’s what got me to unload this massive load of a post… I’been working on this post for a couple hours mebby. This one might be mostly to help myself… who knows… Oh I know. God, God knows.
What we write on the Internet is forever. An excellent reason to be honest. So here’s my truth.
g.laiya
Your post has caught my attention. Helped me come to terms with a large amount of fear, dread, confusion… old pain haunting me, holding me back. I’m crashing through some painful fear.
<<” some years back i participated in a clinical study that i qualified for due to symptoms of depression and anxiety… the med helped a little, but when the study was over i was basically on my own again. “>>
I too was part of a “study” at Stanford, many years ago. It was a pain management study, only, but included was an invaluable 6 week support group/guided meditation group, an excellent, non resident psychologist/psychiatrist was our expert leadership, a saint. They put an Intrathecal pump in me and almost killed me 3 times, no joke, that mind doctor made all the difference in my ability to survive the lab rat treatment. I used to have an huge web site (imagine how huge, with the way I write, only this was about 14 yrs ago) I wanted to share with the Internet disabled community about the success of the Intrathecal morphine baclofen pump. In my case it was dilaudid baclofen because I’m allergic to morphine… In a single word, 3 actually.
Nightmare from Hell.
I finally had to demand they remove it, it may have been their plan all along… I think it was a lil over 2 years worth of nightmare/miracles…They also removed me from being helped by them exactly like a lab rat. So… one of many “bricks in The Wall”, like Pink Floyd expresses so well, between me and my ability to trust doctors/hospitals. Mostly it’s the residents I still have a bit of apprehension about. Much therapy and borderline PTSD diagnosis/therapy has helped me move on… in my case Spirituality and a deep dependence of God and my own spiritual strength are why I’m alive and making a positive impact in the world now. Only by Grace, and my own willingness to humble myself n be honest, am I free, and independent.
I remember about 10/12 years ago, a plastic surgeon nearly killed me working on a abscess inside my right hip that finally surfaced along with a 104 f. fever and stinking infection. They wanted to remove my entire right let, from the hip down, after ? number of surgeries. I was so hard on one resident on a friday after she probably worked more than 100 hours in five days that I made her cry. 4 residents and 1 attending ganged up on me to make me apologize for defending my own life. (I’ll spare ya most of the detals) During the first surgery Dr. whatsizname accidentally cut my femoral artery, and I was the same color as the sheets for a few days. I found out the details of that surgery by pretending to be asleep in post op. Nurses will talk about spraying blood etc. right next to ya if they think you’re asleep. I lost 2 pints of blood, never got an answer as to why they only gave me one to replace. So I was in survival mode. Flight was impossible. So my “fight” was sharp and unforgiving. Fear turns us into mean people. “It was the way I said it, not what I said”.
A brain tumor????
I too, have fears I’m coming to terms with about intermittent pain right in front of my right ear, behind my jaw. It’s been bothering me since Nov. I just dread more testing, doctors appointments, yet another specialist, and feeling like a hot potato. Feeling like It’s just in my head, etc. The pain meds I take for Central pain prevent me from knowing how bad what my fears say is a tumor actually is… so I’m finally telling someone. I’ve never told anyone until now. I’ve got too much life really taking off these days to be interrupted again by endless doctors appointments… Yep, I’m as confused as I sound. 99% of me thinks it’s nothing, but the gut instinct won’t leave me alone on this one. It can’t be my teeth… God only knows. Dr.’s apt. next week I think… it’s written down somewhere.
I think it was 4th/5th grade, I remember the label of either gifted, or the opposite. Possibly both… Then we moved, I think I remember having either really good, or not good reading comprehension in 6th grade. My own parents had bigger problems for any more attention about my struggles/boredome at school. A really funny story my mom told me about early on in my ADHD diagnosis process comes to mind. Something about the teachers not being able to get me to understand that “being a dealer at a casino” was not a career I could choose, my mom’s version of that story was more funny. She said “you always had good marks” That’s not what I remember. I believer her though.
I’m responding to each part of your post as I read it.
The PBS showing of ADD n Loving it?! jumped out of the TV on me after watching it the um… 3rd or 4th time… I think… who cares right? I did get the DVD. Praise the Lord.
I don’t know how well my 24 yr. old daughter is really doing. She doesn’t communicate. Too busy becoming a dietician. She’s a raging success in University. I’m afraid for her if and when she ever gets past the workaholism symptoms… She just won’t talk about her feelings with me. Instead she teases me for sounding like a therapist. “So how does that make you feel” etc. I’m very sure she’s gifted and probably up in the genius level in IQ. But I still don’t know. It’s often been too hard for her to get a word in edgewise… It’s likely I’m being too hard on me of course. I think people who really understand written English dislike that last sentence. Can’t figure out why though. Does it make sense to say “likely” and “of course” in the same sentence about the same topic? I’ll never get this post done if I don’t quit editing.
I understand your fears about the medication/side affects/experimentation trauma for your offspring. Your own precious flesh and blood. I have watched so many very close friends and loved ones, and 3 possible/almost spouses, get kicked around by the necessarily difficult process of adjusting medication to find the correct recipe/diagnosis/treatment/therapy. One even went through EST, the 21st century kind fortunately. This place may not be a place to be preaching/religion. But I have to be honest. Without spiritual help, I could never have survived the health care I’ve endured. I have had, and do have excellent doctors and countless Angelic nurses, therapists, and support group partners. The spiritual solution happens through human flesh and blood. The source is not for me to prescribe here today. I just know there is a powerful creator that has love beyond my ability to write about. Miracles do indeed happen when we humble ourselves. As I become desperate, and reach out to other human beings. The divine has been revealed. The powers that be, are real. More than any single human being.
I have to stop editing and decide this is good enough. I’m convinced that the love here at totallyadd.com is very spiritual in nature and nurture, and like it says on my daughters facebook page. “love is my religion” .
My oldest and strongest, time tested Mantra is “God is Love is God is Love is God….” repeat. Keepin it that simple works miracles in my life here now, and forever, without end.
Thanks if you managed to read this whole thing. Writing this has helped me get stuff out, even if I don’t help anyone. It’s all therapy. And exposing my truth is a big part of the solution. Sometimes I don’t know why I share these parts of my experience. I’m forcing me to find out what that pain in front of my ear is about at the very least. Another chapter in the book of my life all over the Internet. Some super computer is putting it all together, maybe some nerd might be able to create entertainment out of all this… my experiences
Robbo
6-2-12
PS, it’s a book!, hek, I just wrote a dang book! lol.
PPS it’s about the 4th time I’ve clicked edit. This time it’s just to admit the terror I’m feeling seeing the word “tumor” in my own post. The pain reminds me too much of the mumps, that’s a freakish nightmare that almost cost me the ability to father a child. I just had to keep in a secret until the last football game of that season. During the last game, my mom found out almost half the team had already had the mumps, I just don’t remember the coach saying anything. I remember nighmares of having a giant truck tire stuffed inside my head… I haven’t had those nightmares. But the sudden pain always reminds me of that… I’ll be so embarrassed if I find out it’s nothing… my credibility will be destroyed… I’ve written about this before only to delete the post while there was still time…. This sucks so dang much… but I’ve got some freakish symptoms going on. Fear is like Venom. I can’t stand fear. It’s my worst enemy. Fear alone can cause so many of our illnesses…… like a catch 22 from hell.
REPORT ABUSE
I bet you feel so much better! My kids call these “mommy moments”. Haha And believe me the list is endless. I have always been an entertainer..even when I’m not trying! Lol Have a great night everyone! Xo
and I’m applying for jobs that I wouldn’t have dreamed of before because of fear of failure. Now I have a big ‘I can do it’! attitude. I’ve only been on meds for about 6 weeks, but so far so good…except impulse control…still can’t keep out of the shops 