I want to give up

[thisguy]

I was diagnosed with  severe (it) 2.5 years ago although i’ve had this all my life.

I’m almost 25 and my life has amounted to nothing but trouble with out trying. I’ve tried learning programs to help fight it but that has not worked. I’ve asked for medications but was always denied because I use to be a light pot smoker and the doctors are drug seekers here. I dont have to tell you everything because I’m sure you already know how it is

I can apply for jobs in every business in this town and never get hired because I can’t answer a simple interview questions.  I’m Broke, alone with my 2 year old, almost homeless. I feel like i’m bringing a hard life for my kid because i rarely leave the house or have interaction with people. She needs better but no matter how hard i try its always a fail. I think about suicide almost every day. the thought of my adhd and how it effects my life brings these thoughts to mind.

My doctor finally gave me a script for 6 capsules of medication but at $10 each and no money to even live it seems like my life is doomed to fail.

I really wish to end my life. I dont even know why I’m here posting

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[Carry]

That’s quite a post, thisguy.

I want to reply with all the terrible cliches I can come up with.. I’ll try to avoid them!

Keep in mind that I am not judging you! I’ve never been in the dark place you’re describing, so I can only try to imagine what things are like for you. Just accept that I care, even though I don’t know you.

Life is hard for you and for your kid. But you’re still here. And you’re fighting and that’s something you’re showing your kid! Giving up is not something you want  to teach your daughter, is it? That’s probably something you’re thinking of all the time. Don’t feel guilty about it…. It’s a good thing, you’re thinking!

So.. if this is rock bottom.. you’re going to have to accept the fact that it is. Maybe that will give you the opportunity to look around and look for steps up. You’re still very young. And you have a lot of years ahead of you. Want to see your girl write your name? Want to see your girl get detention for sticking up for herself and punch a class mate in the teeth? 😉 Find a way.. I think you can do it.. you should know for sure that you can!

Stick with us! We have loads and loads of terrible advice!! And some good advice too.. And don’t be scared… we’re not all as annoyingly happy as I am.

Good luck to you!!

Carry

 

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[Scattybird]

Hello thisguy.

Somehow at this time of year everything seems worse when we’re struggling. We look around at apparently happy families who seem to have plenty and it hurts – not because of jealousy, just because of longing. But I’m now twice your age and have learned that the life of others isn’t necessarily the one I’d choose – appearances can be very deceptive.

You said in your post that you’re alone with your 2-year old and that she needs better. What she needs more than anything is a parent who loves her, who is kind and is there for her. Talking and interacting and showing love for her are the three most important things for a child – more important than a posh house and too many toys etc. I know this sounds easy and is very difficult when you’re hitting the bottom and likely to lose your home. There’s a saying “when you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on”. You need to hang on for your child.

There was a programme on the radio yesterday which was basically a converation between a mother and her now adult son and they were talking about when he was a kid and she’d been left with 3 of them to bring up on little money. She used to get Christmas gifts from the Salvation Army and spend her money on basic food and the son said even though they had very little, he was never aware of that as a kid because of the bond between the mother and the kids.

My childhood wasn’t too dissimilar – my mother struggled financially to keep our home – we had little, but the bond we had as a result was very strong. We had each other and that kept us going when times were tough. I’m talking about losing our home, having little money and my mother having depression as a result. It was hard but we survived and our relationship was tight as a result. We had each other – nobody else mattered.

There is a message of hope there, but if you’re likely to lose your home you need to try to get practical help. I am not sure what’s available where you live – maybe someone else knows how to get practical help where you are and will post some suggestions. Is there an advice agency that can help you organise your finances and negotiate lower rent in the short-term or anything like that, so things don’t get any more serious? Ask for help.

But please don’t do anything to harm yourself. Some time ago something happened to me that made me feel like that too. The number of times I felt like just driving my car under a truck on a fast road – but I didn’t. This sounds really stupid, but at the time I had a rescue dog that was so emotionally disturbed that she’d never have been re-homed if I wasn’t around. I loved that dog and what stopped me doing anything bad to myself was the knowledge that she completely depended on me.  How much stronger must that feeling be when you have a child? I have now come to terms with things and am glad that I am still here.  If I had done anything it would have been an impulsive act, but I managed to hold onto why I needed to be here and override any impulsive thoughts of ending things. It’s not always easy with ADHD to be rational, but hold onto the thought that your daughter needs your love. So there can be light at the end of that dark gloom that sometimes surrounds us and life is worth living if you give yourself a chance.

Someone I know recently took their own life and the effect on his children was devastating. They will need emotional and mental support for a long time. They are dealing with a terrible and unnecessary loss and basically his action has screwed them up completely. What a horrible and lasting legacy for them. Your daughter deserves more than that – she needs you.

I am now glad that I didn’t do anything bad to myself. I came to terms with my issue. But my mistake at the time was not to get help initially and it took longer to sort myself out than it needed to have done.

Please go back to your doctor and tell her/him that you need help. Tell him that you can’t afford his medication and ask him for practical help – tell him your thoughts. Are there any support groups that you can become involved in?

To get help you need to admit that you need help and that’s a very difficult thing to do. But it’s worth it. Even if the support group is just a bunch of mothers with similar aged kids – it gets you out and interacting with people. You may not feel like it, but human interactions will help. The only thing you need in common is the kids.

We’re all here for you too. Please post regularly here and ‘talk’ to us.

I sincerely hope you  manage to get help. But you’re not alone on this site. You’re part of a community here.

Take care.

 

 

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[Duffie]

Hi,  , i`ve read your words three times .You must  not abandon hope. Is there an emergency hospital near you ? If so ,go there soon and seek help. Please don`t delay. Many people face dark days especially at this time of year. Stay for  your little girl ok?    duffie

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[thisguy]

We have some places here that help people with bills food and housing. They put you on a waiting list. i’ve been on that list for 2 weeks.

As for an emergency  hospital we do have one but not for depressed people  that are thinking of suicide. For people like that they take all your clothes and give you a blue velcro strap vest and put you in lockdown in jail on a concrete floor with a dirty pad to sleep on.

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[MarieAngell]

Thisguy, as it hard as it is, as painful, just make it through the minute, the hour, day.   In your darkest moments, call a suicide hotline. Get a number from http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html.

Please talk to someone at one of these hotlines–really talk. Don’t just post online–that is your backup.

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[thisguy]

I never understood them hotlines. its not like your problems go away. It feels like I havent started my life. i’ve been to college 3 times. i dont know what I want to be. I’ve always wanted to make things and be an inventer but theres to much money involved to make even the smallest things and its to much knowlege to know for my brain it even comprehend. I will always be this slum dog white trash. I’m trying to get my insurance to cover the cost of the medication. I know it will help me greatly like no one can by talking to me.  I had a counsler for 2 years but she couldnt stand working there because how that place is run so she moved away. my new counsler even tried to get me in trouble for reasons i dont even know so I just walked out on her.

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[allan wallace]

A very sad post ‘thisguy’…it breaks my heart to read about your plight. I hope that you and your daughter manage to have a special day today…

Those drastic thoughts that you’re entertaining must be pushed away as soon as they pop into your head. Your little girl needs you, and not only do you have an obligation to love and protect her, she has a right to having her daddy to look after her too. Kids that are fatherless are vulnerable to exploitation from predatory types, and life’s tough enough for a kid without having to deal with no daddy, eh?

Those of us with ADHD know only too well the crap that comes with it, and it’s a bitch, but we have to just keep plodding along and deal with the shit as best we can. It’s a vicious cycle: attempt something, fuck it up, give up, endure scorn and ridicule, procrastinate for a bit, make another belated attempt expecting to fail, do fail, and on and on it goes…If there was an award for ‘Loser of The Year’ I’d be in contention every year!

By the sound of it most of us aren’t the social butterfly type either, and you’re not abnormal by not having a busy social life. I could count my friends on one finger, never mind one hand lol….as for your meds, on their own they won’t be a panacea. You’ll need to join a support group in your area, and you’ve made a start by joining an online group. We understand the challenges that are there every day, so sound us out, eh? My email addy is harlequinwallace@gmail.com if you’d just like to unload…every time you have a bad thought you think about that tiny little girl and remember that despite what you and others might think about you, to her you’re the greatest guy in the world and she loves you more than life itself. You are her world. Make this your turning point to make her world a better place, a less anxious place, and be her security. She needs to know that, no matter what shit life throws at you guys, that you’re going to be stoic and that if nothing else, she’ll always have who she sees as the world’s greatest guy by her side looking out for her…peace and love to you! *gives thisguy a big hug*………

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[Robbo]

thisguy,
Please add me to the list of people who care about you and your offspring. I may not know exactly how you feel, but I do know pain. I know we hurt less when we share our pain. So thank you for sharing with us. Compassion is an abundant resource at this web site, I hope you’re finding it here. I’ve found a whole lot myself. My struggles are less difficult when I talk about them here. Even if they’re not necessarily ADHD related. The people here are much more likely to understand my struggles than the other 96% of the population. Us ADDers account for only about 4% of the population (a rough estimate) but we manage to hog up a much larger percentage of the struggle, loneliness, and social isolation. We also manage to keep the world from becoming painfully dull, boring, and humorless. Yep, some of us are absolute clowns. So remember that ADHD also comes with many positive attributes. Here’s a good video I like to watch when I really need some help keeping a positive attitude. (That’s a lot too) http://totallyadd.com/your-personal-strengths/ Just click on this link, then click on the video to make it start. It’s a cool one.

There’s light at the end of the tunnel for us my friend. I can see in hindsight that the most painful times in my life were also the times that I grew the most. I hope you can find some positive change in your life as a result of reaching out like you have with us. I don’t think any of us are able to handle the problems life, and especially life with ADHD can throw at us alone. I’ll bet if you keep looking you will find your way to some local moral support near your home, and feel some real hope about your life getting easier soon.

Maybe you could consider giving your suicide prevention hotline another chance. If the first, second, or even third person you talk to doesn’t seem to be the right fit for you. Simply ask them if you can talk to another person, don’t worry about hurting their feelings. They’re are there for you. In other words don’t give up. I’m guessing you’ll find someone who can point you in the right direction to more help in your community. I don’t really understand how they work either. I do know that there’s definitely hope when you reach out to another human being.

Please keep in touch with us too. A big part of what keeps me going and reasonably happy this time of year is doing what I can to help folks that are struggling in ways that I have struggled. Trying to help you and simply caring about your well being distracts me from my own struggles. I think compassion is one of the positive attributes that comes along with the ADHD package. So you’re actually helping many of us here by sharing with us.

I hope to hear from you again soon.
Robbo

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[trashman]

I am sadden to read of you pain . please don’t give up. many of your hardships.I just want to along with every one else not to lose hope . you have a lot  to  offer you children and the world. your  lucky  that you found this  group that is caring , and give some honest advice. so please don’t lose hope

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[g.laiya]

this guy, know you are not alone, and there are people who care, including members in this community, as you’ve seen.

i understand slipping into despair when it seems like you just can’t seem to get a break, and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

but please believe, it will get better.

and your little girl counts on you for your unconditional love, and to be an example of resiliency. show her that no matter how hard things get, you will always be there for her, to love her and help guide her through her life. your love, compassion, emotional support, and care for her are vital to her well being, now and always.

if you don’t have family or friends you can count on to help, try reaching out to your religious community for suuport – even if you are not an active member of an organization or very religious, you should be able to find some support and guidance.

look into support services through the government and also through the school system. in my area they have services for very low income families including day care/pre school programs and free meals at school for those who qualify. if you are having trouble securing a job due to your ad/hd, perhaps you would qualify for some type of disability support income as well as other services/support. check every avenue you can.

check out all the tools here on this site that can help manage your difficulties. it’s trial and error, find what works for you.

it’s a very dark time now for many, but hope you can believe, as i do, that better times are ahead

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[Chica]

Hey there thisguy, I hope you give yourself some credit for the good things that you are managing here and now. I think turning to your ADD peers and talking honestly about your life is a smart choice, and does you credit. I think lots of small feel-good stuff is possible, and all of it counts as important – don’t watch the news on TV, find some comedy. Don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to your daughter who is an extension of you and smiles, cries, tastes things and tries things which are right there – here and now.

When I had been truly depressed, and just existing – completely stuck and lost not understanding what was wrong, I did manage to turn the tide slowly and surely at first by concentrating on my physical well-being. I turned my attention to my body several times a day and taught myself to act on the messages, even though I was confused as to why it seemed such a challenge. If I felt cold, I immediately stood up and did something about it. If I was hungry, I took all the concentration I needed to find something healthy to eat. If I was foggy on waking in the morning, I pushed myself to put on my iPod and go for a walk outside.

I know it might sound idiotic in the face of your larger problems, but ultimately depression and ADHD and how you feel sit in your body. They are physical!  Depression and the feel of your health improving are quite literally opposites. I know ADHD can be very different from person to person, and I might be a bit unusual in how bad I was at paying attention to how I physically felt and acting upon it – but I wanted to tell you that this one simple change worked for me, it is free and never stops being the obvious way to feel a tiny bit better. It gained momentum, and I really did get to move on and feel good again.

The hard part was learning to respect the work of making myself feel a tiny bit better and healthier in the shadow of so many big, worldly problems.

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[Shadow Nexus]

Hi. Apply for state medi-cal(different name different state). There should be a public medical clinic nearby. I get my ADHD meds as part of my care. They work to give all that energy some direction. An unexpected effect is making your emotions more stable.

Now imagine that going on years after you get a degree. I’m a 40’s something. I was too proud and young to see I never a had chance at a regular job. I only applied for disability in 2008, got it on the first try(rare). Most people have no idea ADHD is a disability, let alone a seriously bad disability. Your best bet is self-employment, find your local college get financial aid for career advice.

This is economy period is one of the two worst in American history. That’s due to disastrous financial policy financial changes over last 40 years. I’ll not get into that, check “linktv.org” for more info. Everybody is hurting.

Don’t let pride get in your way. Do what you need to do. Admit your “disabled” and get whatever government help you need. Most public agency’s won’t help you with psychology counseling. I found a way around that. Apply for the smallest unit college class you can find. Colleges usually offer counseling services. You have professional to talk to and didn’t cost much, college fees minus financial aid.

Coming here and asking for help is a good first step. You think your screwed right?  Well, i’m 20 years older and really screwed.  😉

 

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[thisguy]

I just need something to change, really fast. like in 10 days. its making me sick.

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[kjacnm]

Thisguy…there have got to be resources out there for you. They are often HARD to find, but maybe some of the suggestions above can help. If not, let’s get a brainstorm going here to see what else can be done.
KJ

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[Author]

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