"If you were ready to change then you would…"

[Anonymous]

A friend posted this today…

“It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” James Gordon

We have known each other for over 12 years. I was going to go back to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADD for more counseling but she convinced me to go to a lady in her office because I wanted a cognitive therapist. This lady seemed great at first giving me worksheets and homework. I did the worksheets, carried a journal, wrote good days and bad. At some point things changed and we would just talk…sometimes she would fall asleep for a second or two. I would pretend not to notice and, since I have had issues with fatigue, I tried not to think I was boring the crap out of her.

Then my husband went to the hospital twice, once for surgery and then for a week for an infection from the surgery, then a few weeks later my dad went in for emergency surgery and has been in rehab for three weeks. It was also Thanksgiving, and then Christmas one of the busiest times for teachers with productions and projects. So with all this I had to miss or was late (always calling) for a few appointments. I work full time and get paid to work until 4:00 but had to leave at 3:15 to make my appointments and sometimes I was late because my principal or a parent stopped me. One time it was for a “brief” meeting called at the last minute to tell us our head master was “effective immediately no longer our head master”…that was a shocker and I couldn’t sneak out of the “45 minute” meeting to say I wouldn’t be able to make it.

The counselor decided “It wasn’t working out.” At my first appointment with her, I told her that my Psychiatrist had diagnosed me with ADD but looking back we never really discussed “ADD” or ways to help me cope. I would tell her about the books I was reading, the things I was learning and she would write things down like she was interested but now I don’t know! At our last meeting, I was excited about my husband watching Totally ADD on PBS and how he finally understood things a lot better. She wrote down the website and everything. She said she would try to find me a counselor closer to where I live…I drove 45 minutes to see her but it has been three weeks since my appointment. My friend that works with her doesn’t call me, write me on FB, text me or anything…and I read the above as her post today. Maybe I am paranoid but it feels like she wanted me to read it.

This website has helped me know that I am not alone. I read so many things and say, me too…I do that, feel that. I am thankful to have a window into other peoples lives that are so similar to mine but today, I am just depressed. I don’t “want” to be this way…I don’t “WANT” to keep failing or for “friends” to think I am not trying hard enough. Anyway…I’m sorry for the pity party!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

don’t beat yourself up over people who don’t understand what they are talking about. i’ve had quite a few so called therapists who were like that. my favorite was the one who said to me “you tell me what you want to work on and we’ll work on that” – hello!! that’s why i’m here, so you can tell me what i should work on first!! or maybe it was the guy who said “if you really wanted to do (whatever), you would”…..yeah right, and if i REALLY didn’t want to be nearsighted i wouldn’t be that either or maybe it was the idiot woman, who, when i said i needed a “keeper” (as in zoo keeper), giggled and said, “oh a husband!” …didn’t go back there either in all honesty, none of them deserved to have my money – and i sometimes think that these people take on clients that they have no idea how to help because, well, it’s cash in their pocket.

go back to your other doctor, and see if she/he can recommend someone who has some sort of IDEA of how to deal with A.D.D. in adults. i have no idea how to tell you to deal with your friend, but maybe just let it go for a while. i’m really bad at that sort of stuff – but i think a lot of us are when i get upset by someone like that, i have learned to just walk away for awhile…it seems to help.

none of us wants to keep failing, and yes, we *are* trying and too bad if people don’t get that. a good friend taught me once that it doesn’t have to be prefect. so keep trying, and it WON’T be prefect, but keep going…. don’t despair

don’t know if that helped *sigh* i get like that sometimes too…..

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

REPORT ABUSE

[dspicelady]

ladyg-not to sound to paranoid, but if that post was directed at you, you have to ask yourself…Is there any circumstance in which this friend of yours should have ANY knowledge of your therapy with the person in her office? Not knowing how the confidentiality works in this office, so it would be hard to determine any breaches, but I would be a bit concerned about that maybe?

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

LadyG, for what it’s worth, I struggle with this every single day of my life. I want to change, I beat the crap out of myself 24 hours a day telling myself to change and guess what? I don’t.

I can’t imagine you aren’t “ready” to change or you wouldn’t make the effort you described in your initial post.

I wish I could find a way to just program my mind with executable instructions that it would carry out automatically jujst like a competer processor. Somewhere out there, I suspect there is an answer or one in development.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Thanks you all for the support/suggestions. I did walk away for a bit from the relationship with my friend. I guess we all need room to breathe sometimes. She has sent me a few texts and comments on Facebook so I think we will be okay. I’m not sure that any confidential things were talked about but I my friend pretty much knows everything anyway. If it were an acquaintance and not a close friend I would be more worried. My counselor never did follow up on helping me find someone here. I also believe I am worse than before I started with her. My original psychiatrist moved or I would be following up with her.

Leek – I know what you mean, I beat myself up too much! Lately, it has been keeping me from sleeping all these thoughts of could have, should have!

Dspicelady – I was having the same thoughts…but not sure what I could even do about it if I could prove it.

Rufina – I’m holding on…i have had a few other ‘helpful’ counselors as you shared as well. The first one I ever went to told me ‘You are too pretty to have these problems’ yet medicated me! I live in the Bible Belt and as a result another one said ‘You wouldn’t have these problems if you would just pray harder!’ I’m a Christian, I believe in prayer but if what he said is true then he would be out of a job by now! I don’t want to waste my money but I really do want help! So frustrating!

You guys made me feel better! Thank YOU!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

ladyg- I’m sixty four and just got the news. Doesn’t take much thought or soul searching to relate. Once long ago I went to a psychiatrist, being referred by a friend who suspected I had a screw loose somewhere. The guy struck me as odd, and more important, fickle. As I had some doubts I wasn’t too much in a hurry to participate in a rorschach image test. He blew a fuse! Spouted, ranted and raved. Imagine a guy goes through medical school and a few years of psychotherapy being a loose as corn flakes. I guess what I mean to say is that while there are many therapists who are competant, there may be some few that are mismatched in their vocation. rufina said as much

Many times I’ve met people who’ve blamed me for their misunderstanding or inability. I’ve been drawn into situations, all the while pointing out I didn’t fit and yet be blamed when that person got frustrated. There being so many symptoms of ADD/ADHD and so few who “get it’, the possibilities of being misunderstood are myriad. Thankfully ADD/ADHD is becoming more explained and key people in anyones life can be informed. As it happened I was informed by someone particularly close to me they were diagnosed with ADD. At the time I was watching Totally ADD on PBS I was shocked to know of my own condition. A lifetime of failure and frustration was glaring.

I find these days it’s very important to me to understand the ground rules of my condition, more important than others understanding me. I feel sure people who care about me will be well with it, and many will never have the need to know, but to be sure they will find me easier to get along with.

Went to a psych recently myself. Got depression …….? Get a feeling these people care but are pretty much overwhelmed with lots of people with lots of problems, and I will be looking further, too.

Speaking for myself only, I never wanted the crazy life I’ve had. And I would have changed things. Seems I have a chance now. I’m very relieved to get a name for my malady (ADHD), a list of the symptoms and the experiences of others. I’m kinda hopeful.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I do agree No one can change unless they want to. That does not mean any of us can do it alone, If I were seeing a counselor or any professional that was not helping me, I would seek other help, I am new here & have no desire to step on toes, I can only share about myself & my experiences. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years ago, was put on meds & saw a psychiatrist for about 9 months, once a month, she cancelled at least 3 times, when I was there she told me all the problems I would face, but offered no solutions as to how to cope with them. So I found another counselor, he helped some but due to the distance I had to travel to see him, that didn’t work out either, several months with only my primary care doctor prescribing my meds & him helping me to find the best dosage for me. I recently found this site, here I started finding answers, I found others who I could relate too, That gave me hope, that lead me too looking for books & other sources of info to educate myself on ADHD & its symptoms, which are many & different for different people, that led me to looking for ways to cope with & even overcome them, that led me to discussing these things with my wife on a deeper level, that helped her to understand me more & improved our marriage, some success, more hope. I have felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole most of my life, The more I learn about ADHD & myself, The more I know & accept that I am a square peg in a world of round holes & I am wasting my time trying to fit into one of them, I am a square peg, I cannot change that, I can change how I interact with all the other round pegs in the world, I can seek out other square pegs to learn from & be of help too. I have been a member of a 12-step group for 20 years, in one of the books I am reading it has a good way to apply the 12 steps to ADHD, I am doing my best to apply that. I can only speak for myself, but I believe I cannot & will not change until I am willing to do so. I also have come to think of ADHD not as a disease that can be cured, but as a part of my personality, that I can allow to destroy my life or I can seek help in learning how to take advantage of the many benefits and talents that are a part of it.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

As par for me I came onto this site with my impulses aflare and my wants and expectations full of me. Then, and only then. it seems will I look into what’s offered. For me I see something different, ideas and suggestions more basic and building than sweeping and absolute. I think many times I ,may have resisted change because it has been heretofore found to be based on the ability of others more suitable to the mode of change and at other times the absurd reasoning of for profit gurus. I find the WEBINAR and videos of great value. As I need to lead and accept help by ways of ideas rather than looking for a savior it seems this is not an arena where I win or suffer but a negotiation where in a little time I can find improvement through application. The other negotiating team seems to win but oddly silent about what points they won as if to say negotiate what you need, negotiate what fits. Even people that are different are different from one another in their own ways. At present I’m looking at the premise of making a supportive environment as being more important than other things. Still stumped about meds. It seems one can flood the body with natural goodies but that may not affect the neurotransmission sufficiently. Anyway, I’m not frazzled or hopeless about it. Lots of things are percolating, but I don’t feel overwhelmed. The ride is not so bumpy as there’s not so much guesswork or reasoning on my part.

REPORT ABUSE

[Patte Rosebank]

“If you were ready to change, then you would…”

Yeah, and if Stephen Hawking were ready to get up from his wheelchair, do a double-backflip, and start tap-dancing while singing “Give My Regards to Broadway”, he would.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Hi there … interesting topic, change, personal growth. This is a subject near and dear to me for so many reasons. I do not profess to have any answers to peoples dilemmas and or their need or desire to change themselves or maybe change…. others???

I can share my observations and personal experience….. limited as they may be, if there is something here you can use….. please feel free….. if not that’s cool to.

I have spent the greater part of my adult life in change. It started when I was approximately 30-ish and continues today at 60-ish. Here is what I understand to be true ( for me… and for me only ).

1. My life was off the rails, I needed change.

2. I could change only because I wanted to!!!

3. I could change only what I was ready to change!!!

4. I could not identify my issues without a great guide…….. I could identify my path only with a great guide.

5. I did not have the skills innate or otherwise to facilitate the changes on my own!!!

6. I would have to put everything I have ever held to be true on the table …….. I mean everything……. I would have to let it all go, in order to get anything of real meaning back!!!! This is the most enormous leap of faith!!!! I can honestly attest …it was the most frightening thing I have ever done….EVER!!!!

Making real substantive deep, lasting change was going to be very very DIFFICULT ……. even if I really wanted to!!!! It proved to be one of the most challenging things I have ever done….. and it not only took years…….. it never ends….still changing to day!!!!

Looking at my unhappiness, trauma, discontent ( whatever you want to call it ) did not involve looking out and around, it did not involve looking at my boss, my partner, my job, or any other extrinsic element in my life. It involved looking at the man in the mirror. Sure I’m a right brain, visionary random thinking person ( you may call it ADD )……..that is a fact, a given as it were. I have found that “facts” seldom are the cause of unhappiness, trauma, discontent or anything else that eats away at me. I find that what I do with them, how I process them, or to what degree I internalize or do not internalize, or my ability to let them go….. that determines how those things affect me and my life. It seemed to boil down to me!!!!

Example: My boss doesn’t like me, my partner is angry at me, so and so thinks I’m an asshole, the telephone company is going to shut off my phone for none payment!!!………hmmmmmm.

1. It would be nice if my boss liked me (I guess) but so what….. nothing to do with me….. lots of people don’t like lots of people. I treat my boss with respect and courteously and I do a good job…… not my issue, they are just my boss!!!

2. My partner is angry….hmmmmm, did I do something wrong, can I right it, did I apologize. Maybe she is having a bad day?? Did I check-in and see what it is about??? If there is nothing for me there…… I’m ok with that, everybody has a bad bout from time to time, I can let her have that……. no problem.

3. As for being an asshole……..was I ?? Did I deserve it……did I make amends? Maybe they just think I’m an asshole….. so what…. I know who I am and I’m comfy with that…. after all they appear to be the one with the issue not me….. I cannot own their opinion.

4. Shut off my phone…… oh shit .(hahahhaha)….better get down there right now and make that payment……. that I can deal with but… I can live with that too…… I make mistakes….. I forget from time to time….. I’m not perfect, and I’m ok that I do that. A mistake or any action I take of that type…does not define me, other things do!!!!

I have learned what is important to me, deep down morally important to my soul……. a critical learning for me…. a key element. Everything can’t be morally important….. I couldn’t deal with that. Easy to say…hard to do.

More important is, what is NOT important to me, again morally important… and why. Where did this “important”criteria come from, is it mine, or is it what somebody has told me all my life, it should be. I found under close scrutiny… many things I thought were of critical moral importance to me, actually I did not give a “shit” about…. what a weight off my shoulders that was.

In conclusion….. I did not do this alone ( I don’t know anybody who did). I could maybe….just maybe… succeed in my perceptual examination, and changing my inner belief structure change over time, if and only if…I was diligent, brave and driven……………….. and it would/has and is, encompassing the rest of my life!!!!!

Not for the faint of heart for sure…..but……. I would encourage all or any to try….

just some ramblings……..

toofat

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

people do change when they’re ready…. and when all the other pieces come together to enable that change to happen.

and change doesn’t generally happen all at once, with a poof of smoke- unless you happen to own a genie, and be really good at lamp rubbing.

if i decide that i want something enough, i’ll bloody well get it somehow, if its realistically within getting range…. it just might take me a hell of a lot of time and work and help and problemsolving and negotiating and re-assessing and other complicated stuff to get it, is all. from experience i can honestly say that its rather unlikely that i’ll be plucking whatever it is that i want out of my arse sometime this afternoon.

maybe you should reply to your friend “so you’re obviously *not ready* to stop being a judgemental know-it-all buttmunch then… are you SURE its not worth trying harder at that?!”

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Well, some of that was tough to read but I get what you all are saying. I do agree we have to be ready to change to change but I also know that sometimes being ready to change isn’t the only determining factor that will bring success.

I have been pretty determined lately and have had some success in organizing my classroom…something that had been causing some anxiety as of late. Feels so wonderful to have that taken care of finally! Funny how I can be highly organized at my work place but ridiculously lost at home! Filing is a nightmare for me! Glad to know a reason behind it and that I am not alone!

What I haven’t been successful with is NOT caring what others think of me. I really appreciated the square peg in the round hole analogy as well as your examples Toofat. I have felt odd my whole life but until the past few years (before going through menopause) I was able to function in social situations quite well and didn’t feel this ridiculous “spotlight” effect that I feel these days. It is very annoyingly self-absorbing…if that makes any sense! Not sure if this is ADD or not but it is a constant battle to focus on others and listen while trying to shut up the self-deprecating or just plain random thoughts that bounce around!

I love the way you all can laugh at yourselves…I know it will just take time and more knowledge for me to get there again (I am obviously no genie!. This is all still so knew and with my new job as well (yes, excuses, excuses) I am just trying to focus on that and my family right now. Although I do read quite a few of the forums and the videos when I can which has been very helpful. I have ordered some reading material and have already some on hand for spring break and summer reading…maybe by then I will be “ready to change.”

Very grateful to get to know some other “square pegs!”

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

We are special,

I’m in my 48th year with18 year old son, grow, laugh, change, then do it again. Look at the benefits we have

In kindergarten I learned, when I didn’t sleep at nap time I was able to see what the teacher was setting up for the class to do, then I could decide my approach, start napping or pick what craft table was for me.others woke up late and had to go to craft table the was less occupied, Grade two my teacher let me comb her hair when she read to the class, because then I would understand the story, and stay busy,

As we grow we adapt, and seek out what we want the most, make the most of what we have, That’s why we’re here, at this site.

We have lots of power, but need to check the steering, Often.

I can be in a crowd, hear our group and listen to at least one or two other conversations, That’s good, catch up on the local news, learn something to check on later, and still hear about the weather. Oh Ya, all the time scanning around for any real action, while making pictures in the gravel, or snow with my foot.

Run live video in our minds, during our interactions with others, and edit on the go, so we can steer when necessary, but sometimes the live video is more about something else, very distracting, but be honest, I often say to my wife, stop, stop talking and start over, I have not heard a thing you have said, I was somewhere else

I often feel, in many things I do, that I am watching myself, as if someone else is watching, part self discipline maybe. Less foot from mouth removal, I’m big on approval, from others,but seem to accept little from myself.

Projects, Good for projects Many projects are a sign, of a busy person, that is very multi talented. Right, Again, our power is good but watch the steering. So what if you only get one drawer in the desk cleaned, its better then it was. So much to do, so little time

Maybe that’s it, Power. Time and steering is what we need to focus on, for self help. Use our power to steer us down life’s road, as actively adapting(steering)ourselves as time will allow. Visit an elderly care home, and count your blessed years left. Learn to grow and change. every day is a gift,but be prepared to open some gifts in the dark ,it’s more exciting,

A little saying I made up years ago, have made a poster and put it on my wall.Running is good exercise, exercise is good for life but running from life is not good exercise”

A few of the rules I follow:

Keys, wallet, phone, coat and boots all have One home when not in use.

Always use the top half, of most things , then start planning a refill.

Take small bites, of everything,

Be brave,

Hire smarter people when needed

Prioritize often

Hug often and

Dance at all opportunity

Next time I am trying to put on my boots and still have my tooth brush in my hand, I will laugh, glad I’m not bored

Count on one thing only, to remain the same, and that is Change, embrace it.

Like the mighty oak tree, that will not let go of its old leaves until new ones are growing in to replace them. Grow on,We must adapt

We are special

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

Thank You All, for the tears, and the laughter,

G.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Well Lady G……. the spot light eh???? As I understand it…….. others are unable to make us uncomfortable. That process stems from within ourselves. I look at anxiety from another view …..anxiety is actually (for me) a very close friend!!! I’ll share why.

When I am off the path (my path)….. I have strayed from who I am….who I really am in my heart (not my head) I feel less calm, anxious, a general dis-ease that can, and will, build if not attended to. That and that alone is my guide……. my dis-ease in my heart tells me to lift my head up and look around I have strayed. This is a critical time for me to re-assess something……… my head has usually taken my heart to a place that is not right for me.

So…. (for me) anxiety is welcome it is my guide, it tells me I’m off……….. if I am tuned to my heart (NOT MY HEAD) and a strive to keep my heart calm I find that my life is full and I’m on “my” correct path…….. not a path somebody says I’m supposed to be on but “My Path”. So then, anxiety is a “‘gift” that provides me the opportunity for insight. Insight provides me the opportunity for a life without regret. For me then… from that, I can extrapolate……..any knowledge that does not change the quality of life is sterile and of questionable value.

Being gentle with my self when I stray is key……… I’m worth the kindness… because it is the straying that provides me the insight.

toofat

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts