My wife is leaving me because I am not "Passionate"

[Anonymous]

I recently found this site and it’s an eye opener. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and hadn’t really thought about it very much until seeing the show. Just my history FYI.

So…

I have been with my girlfriend for a few years now and we were going to be married in a few weeks. The Planning has been stressful but we were keeping it together until I messed up a few times. I didn’t do anything malicious but I just failed to tell her some important information about my work and about money. I spend money I wasn’t supposed to spend (though it was on bills and things that needed to be paid, and I had new money coming in that would have covered it). The issue is that I wasn’t being honest with her and my actions were seen as lying. I lost her trust. She was willing to work it out and keep going but since then I haven’t done enough to make her feel good about our relationship. She thinks I am being passive agressive and am not fighting to keep her. I tell her I love her so much and I am dedicated to her but this wasn’t enough. In our last fight she accused me of not being ‘passionate’ because I haven’t said the correct things. I learned that she was waiting for me to say things like “I am so in love with you” and “I don’t know what I would do without you”. It didn’t occur to me to say these specific things and I though I was saying the right things before. On top of this she doesn’t really trust me. I love her so much and tell her I am so in love with her but she takes this now as regurgitation of what she told me to say. I don’t know what to do. I had scheduled a counseling session for us in a few days but she is leaving me today. It hurts. Is this a lost cause. She says I am too wrapped up in myself to understand how she feels. I just want to love her and be with her. She says I have taken her for a ride and wasted her time. We have had our share of issues come up and were able to resolve them in the past, but I fear that this might be it. I have a hard time ‘when under pressure’ expressing myself and I fear that I will say the wrong things.

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[Bill]

EJ – Marriage is a VERY stressful time for so many people. This may have NOTHING to do with your ADHD, and everything to do with the pressures on two people about to make a commitment for the rest of their lives.

I was married 26 years ago and I remember the drama before my wedding like it happened yesterday. My first argument with my fiancee, almost asking my best man to step down, drama around who’s invited to what and what everyone is going to wear, etc. etc. etc.

You and your girlfriend need a moment to breathe. You need time to cool off and re-think things. Consider postponing the wedding, whatever you have to do to take the pressure off. Remember the wonderful qualities you saw in each other.

Start it off by being frank about who you are. If I were you, I would forget labels like ADHD and talk about yourself in simple terms. If you have trouble talking about feelings, say so. If you are the person who SHOWS their love instead of talking about it, say so. But above all, listen to her, not just to her comments about you. You actually might not be her real concern. There may be something else that is really worrying her. In my case, my fiancee’s issues were more with her future mother-in-law than her future husband. Do what you can to be on her side, so that it’s the two of you facing this challenge together.

Bill

PS Real life does have happy endings. We are still married, despite the pre-wedding drama and my ADHD.

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[Tiddler]

Great advice, Bill.

All I can add is that you’ve described the situation extremely well here so I’m guessing that it’s easier to express yourself when you’re typing/writing. It may be worth putting it all down in a letter – being able to show her all that is in your heart and mind without having your thoughts take you in the wrong direction might help you say what you need to say.

Good luck. We’re here if you want to talk.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses.

Bill, yes I agree it may not have anything to do with my ADHD and everything to do with the stress. I think I let my defensiveness keep me from opening up. She can be quite harsh with words when she is hurt. Thank you for the encouraging words.

I will take your advice Tiddler and write it all down. I actually did some of that this morning and it is much easier to gather my thoughts and feelings when writing. It’s a good practice to continue for sure.

I have talked to her once today and so far it has gone in a better direction. Thanks for the support.

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[Tiddler]

Got to go to bed but wanted to say I’m wishing you all the best.

G’night.

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[sdwa]

Hi EJ

I am so sorry to hear of the problems you are having.

Personally, I do think much of what you describe could be ADHD-related, not perhaps that that matters very much, other than that I would caution you against taking to heart the message that you are “passive-aggressive” or “wrapped up in yourself” or “not passionate.” I think many people with ADHD have heard similar comments, and we may be perceived as self-absorbed, irresponsible, lazy, indifferent, etc. because our minds are just…someplace else…and while certain patterns of behavior may be viewed by others as selfish or malicious, there may be no ill-intent and even very little awareness that there is a problem.

Obviously I don’t know your fiance or your situation, but what you describe sounds so familiar, I wonder. Not that you wouldn’t have to work it out with her, or with anyone, but that it bothers me that people are so quick to assign negative motives when they don’t understand our behavior – and many of us diagnosed as adults tend to continue to judge ourselves in a very negative light over patterns of behavior that have nothing to do with ethics and everything to do with plain old brain functioning.

For the first third of my 20+ year marriage I tended to take my husband’s behavior personally, but gradually I came to a point where I realized that whatever he does, it is not about me, but is just part of who he is – he was that way before we met and would be the same with anyone else. After that, the dynamic between us became less about me reacting to his state of mind or actions, and more about me knowing what I wanted and needed and being able to ask for it without blame, resentment, suspicion, etc. Seems like people tend to be more enmeshed early in a relationship, and to view one another more as vehicles or obstacles to satisfying an emotional agenda, and less as separate individuals, and thus negotiating around emotional issues gets complicated, because it’s like talking to the ghost of the other person’s collected life experiences instead of addressing the situation at hand. But that’s a whole other non-ADHD-related level of relationship dynamics.

I think it’s worth it for both partners to learn as much about ADHD as possible, so as to separate what is and what isn’t about the ADHD, and to know for yourself what is ADHD and what is something else helps a lot, because it tells you what you can change and what you can’t change. When you know what you can’t change, it is easier to accept them and find ways to work around those things.

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[ipsofacto]

Sorry to hear of your situation. In many ways I can empathize with you.

I’m sure it is true for many of us with ADD, that we can get so used to telling little white lies ( and half truths) to cover the various ADD related issues we have, that it can become a reaction in many situations. It might be why we are late, or to do with some impulsive spending, but often unnecessary. I know during my youth and early adulthood I fell into this trap. It’s a hard habit to break, and hard for others to understand.

From what you said about almost forgetting that you were diagnosed ADD as a child, it sounds about the same situation as being an undiagnosed adult with ADD. I spent over thirty years of adulthood thinking I was just a little eccentric maybe, but otherwise the same as everyone else. While you can develop coping skills to get by, and even be successful, there are likely to be many underlying issues that could sabotage relationships. Some of us are lucky and find love conquers all relationships, but even these are better once we begin to understand the part ADD plays in our lives.

Your girlfriend’s reaction suggest to me that these issues have some special significance in her life, and there is some history there that you will have to overcome.

Good luck.

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[g.laiya]

my heart goes out to you ej. i agree that getting married for some can be a huge stressor. sounds like you also need to get some things/issues cleared up/sorted out. perhaps post-poning the wedding for 6months or a year would be helpful. getting pre-marital counseling might help, as would familiarizing yourselves with adult adhd/particular relationship struggles people with adhd and their partners often face.

hope it all works out for you two!

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[Robbo]

Welcome EJ,

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I can tell you this one thing I know for sure. You will not always be in this much pain, you will definitely feel better in time. It helps me a lot to read the advice people give us here more than once, or even twice.

Invest some of your time reading here. There’s tons of good wise folks in this camp. If you find really good advice that fits you, click on “member” in blue under that persons name, you’ll find more posts from the same person. I’ll bet ya find lot’s of folks with very similar experiences like yours. Good luck, don’t give up.

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[kc5jck]

EJ – you might want to read “The ADHD Effect on Marriage.” It addresses this and other common problems.

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[trashman]

EJ, all I can add is this is all around great input from these people that have posted. and its all free good luck!

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[Anonymous]

@ EJ

I wish there was some way I could link you to my first post on this site. It was a carbon image of yours!

My relationship with my partner was on the brink, it was claimed that it was all my fault and that I also did not think of her and her needs. Guilt upon guilt upon guilt… We trail separated.

In that time I reflected on my FAILS but also on her negatives. Blame seemed to be all there was. Then it hit me.

Our time is short and what we think IS our reality. We can change it! my tip is to not got caught up in petty arguments, emotionally detach and turn frustration into patience.

Sounds arty farty but it works I promise…..

The next step was to stop blaming yourself. Take ownership. Once you feel less guilt and more positive, your outlook changes and people notice. They stop blaming and start to trust, trust leads to love and love to being secure.

Concentrate on rewiring your mind to cut out the negatives….

Sorry that this is scattered and probably hard to read or understand! I hope you can find something here to help you. Please post back to tell us how you are…

Pete aka A freind

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[shutterbug55]

EJ,

My wife and I read “You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!” by by Kate Kelly, Peggy Ramundo and Edward M. M.D. Hallowell and “Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?” Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera and Russell Barkley.

Those two books are really good and since reading them, Instead of getting lectured to and being told to stop being the way I am. As if I could.

Now I get “Have you taken your meds?” Which sometimes irritates, but it is better than the lectures, sulking, or yelling.

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[ipsofacto]

One other point to add about relationships. We tend to concentrate on the physical side of our ADD, that is ways to improve our productivity, focus, awareness, reducing procrastination etc. On the emotional side we are are often trying to deal with the damage to our self esteem, depression, etc. There is another aspect which I am starting to come to terms with and that is our emotional focus. In may ways it seems our ability to focus our emotions with regards to others is like our focus problems with everything else. Sure we can be deeply emotional, but in a way that is similar to our hyperfocus on some project that is occupying our mind. It’s an area of mindfulness I am starting to work on myself and I’m finding it the hardest.

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[wolfshades]

The one thing I learned through my tumultuous marriage was that every one of us – every single person – interprets the display of love differently. One person feels loved when their partner says it forcefully, while another feels loved when their partner takes the time to pick their clothes up off of the floor. The trick is to find that out about each other – which counselling will help to do.

I remember a story about a conversation between a man and a woman where she said “you never tell me you love me”. His response was “I said that to you when we got married 25 years ago. If something changes, I’ll let you know.”

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