No Friends

[BAM123]

I myself feel the same way about fiends and was recently diagnosed with adult add at age 45.

If not for my wife’s good social skills I wouldn’t have much in the way of friends.

I’m pretty sure it is probably related to ADD – but who knows. My father had instilled a sense in me that you can’t really trust anyone and in the end they will screw you over. I have consciously or subconsciously inherited that belief system

ALthough I long for more closer friends relationships, they allude me as well. I get along pretty well in a social situation, can gp through the small talk and fairly charming when it is approproiate to be – but don’t really have a close friend I would really feel comnfortable with asking to go to a game or out for a drink.

I think it probaly stems from the innate low self esteem related to ADD. Perhaps that is part of it ion your situation as well. I think sometimes people can sense the self esteem issue and maybe recognize it for what it is or could misconstrue it as conceit or some other faux paux.

On the other hand, I’m not the kind of a guy that wants to be in a bowling league or on a softball team… I would rather spend the time with my kids, Part of the problem for me and maybe some ADD’ers is that we might takepotential friendship opportunities to seriously. Some times someone who can’t make a dinner invitatiion or play date is just that – they have a conflict – I think we can all get into trouble when we try to read peoples mionds when an interactioin falls through.

My advice if there is any – lighten up – I say this to myself as well. Have faith that things will eventually click and when they don’t click, it may be for a good reason and you might have just didged a bullet.

We recently invited some of my wife’s friends and their kids over for a dinner for a special occaison. The other couples were people I was interested in getting to know more. If we didn’t invite thrm for the “Birthday” for the other couple – I am not sure if they would have accepted an invitation to dinner on theri own. The end result , we got the opportun ity to know one another, the kids had a blast and we recently recived an inviraion to a party at one theire houses.

Maybe try to have an event as a nice gesture for a friend (birthday, anniversday, moving) and invite a few couples that you normally would not approach, but would like to know better. Most likely they will say yes to the invite beacsuie of your common friend and you will all geta chance to no one another and their kids will get a chnace to know yours

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[Anonymous]

Good advice BAM123

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[Anonymous]

wow, glad I read this post. BAM123 was especially helpful. Part of my problem was with my self-medication (weed). this would make me a loner even more because I really didn’t need anyone to have fun. Now that I don’t self medicate (and it hasn’t been that long) I do feel sorry for myself and admire others who seem much more social. I am going to try the websites here and we’ll see. In the mean time, I will use teh advice here an try to not make such a big deal of it. the good news is – I have identified teh real obstacle (ADD) and now the future looks bright. if it is important, then I will make it happen.

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[BAM123]

Hi Epicurien – I know it sounds cliche but people to really like to talk about themselves and what they are inersted in. I went to a party the other night and m y wife an I had a little argument before about ME not be as helpful and attentive as I could be – essentially that I can be sometimes self absorbed – whether consciuosly or unconsciously. She sited the last time we were at a gathering she was the one that went home eraly to releive the babysitter and I got to stay and she was right – and I started to realize that the world does not revolve around me and the what I percieve people may think of me really is just nonsense and self talk that is noit productive.

Any way I think sometimes with ADD we subconsciously think that everything is about US and that can make one hypersensitive to what we perceive others think about us. I tend to subconsciously pych myself up in social situations and feel like I have to overcompensate by trying to be funny, outgoing – or trying to link conversatioins to personal anecdotes or stories often about me. This can come of as boorish and self absorbed – and can also be forced and unnatural.

ANy way at the party I decided that I was going to be a lot more laid back. I talked to people and asked them how things were going for them and revolved the conversation around them. I really tried in a subtle but sincere way to let others take the lead and after all most of the time it is just small talk… it is not a big deal or the end of the world conversations.

The result was I was really relaxed and comfortable rather than anxious and insecure and I had a great time and told my wife I would be the one to releive the baby sitter – to serve not to be served.

Sometimes we can make a big of what we think others think about us – the truth is – most people are a little self absorbed and they really aren’t thinking about you or me or someone else -they thinking mostly about of their environment is effecting them.

The moral – lighten up and show genuine – even if it is only socialy superficial -interest in others and social interactions will take on a more natural flow. Take care

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[Anonymous]

I’ve made two new friends since this thread started. One guy has borderline Tourette’s but he’s brilliant and funny as hell once you give him a chance and he relaxes a little bit. The other is my barber who may just be the smartest, most talented man I’ve ever known. He can’t balance a checkbook and he needs his partner to keep him focused, but otherwise he’s extremely pleasant company.

Like I said a few weeks ago, throw away your “packaging requirements” and open your mind to accepting new people that your old self would have considered to be too weird to associate with. My only requirements now are kindness and a mind that never stops.

That’s pretty simple, isn’t it? I was such an IDIOT before.

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[Anonymous]

I too have made a new friend recently. It was someone at work who used to drive me up the wall, and the reasons make me feel pretty bad because I’m such a hypocrite. She has ADHD as well as dyslexia and it looks like both problems are more severe for her than my ADHD or math dysability is for me. When I started on the job I made the terrible mistake of letting other people’s opinions of her influence my own and I was far more annoyed with her struggles than I would have been otherwise. She also dresses in a way that is kind of startling. She’s worn a circus ring leader’s jacket to work before. But really, why the hell not? We work at a DAYCARE! She’s doing a colouring contest with the kids in the kinder room to decide what colour her hair is going to be next. How cool is that?

Really though, besides the issues with how annoyed I was when she had problems the other issue was that I only saw her when she was struggling. She has a hard time being as firm with the children as she needs to be so they walk all over her. But I’ve been watching since and man do the kids have fun with her! And we’ve started walking to the transit centre since the weather got better so I’ve gotten to know her better. She’s such a sweetheart and very creative.

She’s doing a bit better now that she knows she has at least one person at work who cares about her and genuinely likes her. It’s really helped with her confidence, I think. I am just worried about her because there might be layoffs soon and I can tell you for sure she’s first in line at the chopping block.

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[Anonymous]

re: no friends

Same/similiar prediciment. Married, one kid & a dog. Stay-at-home-mom.

Anyone else here in Ottawa?

The ADHD Meetup group for Ottawa ( http://www.meetup.com/adultadd-299/ ) hasn’t met since September 13, 2007. (I joined 3 weeks ago…) Since then a parent of an ADHD son has joined (last week) but there’s no new messages or meetings.

Have joined some other meet up groups, but haven’t actually gone to any of the meet ups yet.

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[Anonymous]

To JayBird

Re: circus friend

There’s a horrible child care shortage. She might do better on her own. Get her to update her resumé and put together a portfolio of sorts – take pictures of her with the kids, esp. in the quirky get ups. She might even want to put something on youtube.

Just an idea.

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[Anonymous]

Just Me – you sound like you would be a wonderful, thoughtful and caring friend. If we were in the same city, I would suggest we have a drink and celebrate your birthday! You are not alone in finding it hard to make new friends, and I hope you take some comfort from knowing that.

All the best and let us know how you go! xx

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[Anonymous]

@Larynxa – you are sooo right about the “social networking devices”…there’s so much pressure to “keep up” that actual people seeking one’s company can seem like an intrusion, which is rather absurd.

@BAM123, great thoughts. Led me to think that one of the problems with us making friends is that we, I anyway, worry too much about “not having things in order” to the degree necessary to, say, invite a person over to watch a movie and have a snack.

Many people in our lives, though not all, would probably be happy to have any sort of a casual invitation of that sort – lunch, dinner, coffee, movie, whatever. We ADHDers have to keep it simple, and we have to not worry about the piles on the kitchen table and such. The reality is, even most non-ADHD people are more disorganized and messy than we think, and even they probably don’t want to reciprocate for fancy sit-down dinner parties and whatnot. We’re all sold on TV ideals of organization and entertaining.

We have to keep it simple, keep it small, and realize that we are OK…and if they reject our invitations because they’re too busy, or they cancel at the last moment, we of all people should know – they really are probably feeling overwhelmed, and it’s not personal. Now if I can just take my own advice, because if I get any more reclusive, I will be going to grocery store in curlers and bedroom slippers and farting away in Aisle 7…

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[Patte Rosebank]

Oh, was that YOU in Aisle 7???

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[Anonymous]

@Larynxa, not yet, baby, not yet! But it will be if I don’t act fast!

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[Anonymous]

A few years ago I had a whole group of friends, but then my youngest of three children was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and he’s totally dependent, my daughter was diagnosed with ADD and dyslexia. Suddenly all my ‘friends’ fled. They’re still there on the fringe but none of them ever want to do anything with me anymore. They just want to call me and tell me how great their lives are, and one of them keeps calling to tell me how make believe ADD is (the school wants to test both of her kids and she refuses, saying it’s just a way to pigeon hole kids).

I don’t have time for meetups, I don’t have time to search out friends. I thought I had good friends, we’d known each other since highschool and we’d gone though so much. When times were bumpy for them I was there to hold their hands, but the problem is their bumpy roads ended where as mine will go on and on forever. None of them wanted to sign on for that I guess.

I know that there is no answer to my dilemma about ‘no friends’ but I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.

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[Patte Rosebank]

Katastrophe, are you a member of any support groups for parents of children with CP or learning disabilities? They can be great places to make new friends who are going through the same things that you are, so they understand. And they won’t say stupid things like “ADD isn’t real.”

As for that “friend” who keeps telling you that, check out the Blog, for Rick’s answer to that. http://totallyadd.com/what-to-say-when-someone-dismisses-your-adhd/

Of course, you can’t argue with a closed mind, so if she refuses to accept the scientific proof of its existence, all you can do is sit back and wait for the inevitable devastated phone call from her, when her kids crash and burn, because she refused to consider the possibility that they may have it. Just don’t say, “I told you so.”

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[Anonymous]

I was just wondering if anyone was interested in setting up a facebook group or something for members of this forum that are looking to make new friends? I really feel for everyone that is struggling with this and I know it’s something that I have trouble with as well. Mostly for all the reasons listed about! Too afraid of what everyone is thinking/saying about me, needing to cover up the way I am in order to be accepted, really enjoying getting to know people but then nothing.

As a SAHM of two small kids, I rely on facebook for most of my adult interactions. I know that several here were mentioning people being too absorbed in their networking sites and whatnot but what if those same sites could be used for good?

@eimat I am in Ottawa as well, and am married, sahm with 2 kids and a cat lol. I have had a bad experience with the meetup groups in the past and so it scares me a little to join a new group there. I’m never sure what the expectations are and I am quite shy the first time I meet people (at least until i can get a feel for them!) If you’d like to get in touch with me privately, maybe we could talk? If I can help at all i’d love to! my email is circetayATgmail.com

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