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May 6, 2010 at 5:51 am #88385
Am I the only one that has NO friends? I sure feel like it! I am 36 years old, I have 4 kids, a house, a man…..and nothing else.. I try..really I do!!! But no matter how I try no one seems to want to “hang out” with me. 2 of my kids are aged 2 and 3 and I take them to drop- in centers to play with the local kids almost everyday for the last 3 years yet when I invite the other mothers over for play dates, they never call or even seem intereseted..I have scouted parks, play centers and even the local Mc donalds for other mom’s and kids. I seem to be able to talk and have a few good laughs about what having kids mean. But thats it…no connection.
I watch and hear other mom’s (from the drop-in) talk about their playdates and plans for future ones. I see from my living room window other mom’s 2gether walking and chatting pushing strollers, I hear all the neighbours in their backyards with dinner guests and BBQ’s and I find myself wondering “What’s wrong with me?” “WHY Don’t you people like ME?”
The worst part is now my 3yr old (alomost 4) has no friends and I think he knows it now (as he plays with his “imaginary pets” alot these days …..I play with him all day long because I feel heart broken that other kids don’t. (but it is really wearing me out) My 14year old son has ADD and at age 3 It was hard for him to have a social life and interact in a “normal” way with others yet he had more friends and playdates then my 3yr old whom does not have ADD.
I feel sad, alone and depressed all the time now and I know it is effecting my kids because I take it out on them more and more. I just can’t seem to “connect” with anyone. I am now already feeling down just thhinking about my 3yr olds birthday (this July) as I have no one to invite….some birthday party that will be. Todays my birthday… and I have not one girl friend to have a drink with …Is it just because of the ADD that makes people not connect with me? I am a good person and I think I would make a great friend to someone and when I go out I say hi to people and talk and smile (as I have an outgoing personality)… But these daysI feel like hiding away from the world more and more just to not feel the pain of them not wanting me around. How do I make friends???? Is any other ADDr’s out there feeling any more alone then me? Is it possible that I could go forever without a friend????? What could be positive about ADD when living in a society that does not even accept me? I wish I was “Normal”
P.S…. if you read all this then thanks I am having a pity party for my self right now and just wanted to “let it all out” :
REPORT ABUSEMay 6, 2010 at 4:42 pm #93948Just Me – I found myself in a similar situation when my children were at that preschool stage. I didn’t seem to have any highschool or university friends “carry over” into my married w/ children life and most of the social relationships I had from play groups etc. were superficial and quickly petered out when our children moved on. So many people seemed to already have best friends, sisters, extended family that were filling their needs that, while they had nothing against me, they already had close friends.
During this time I also realized that my Mom and I were really kind of dependent on each other for our social lives, both of us being married to people who really had very little interest in socializing. Even though I love my mom, I realized that this was holding both of us back.
So….It sounds kind of embarassing but what I did was really start working on making friends. I joined a co-op preschool with my kids and committed to taking a leadership role there. Met lots of great people, a couple of which I definitely count as friends now. Around this time some of my aquaintances marriages started falling appart and, lo and behold, when I went out on a limb and offered a sympathetic ear (and a bottle of wine) my offer was accepted. Thanks to that I now officially have a “best friend”.
Thinking about this problem over the years I realized that, most of the time, I have to talk myself into socializing – probably due to some low self esteem issues. I always feel like I’m bothering people when I call them – even people who I know don’t feel that way. I still have to give myself a pep talk and remind myself that my friends don’t mind if I call and ask if they want to do something. I think I just spend way too many years giving into the voice inside my head that told me “don’t call – they probably already have plans and you’ll just be putting them on the spot when they have to turn you down”.
So – I guess I would just tell you to keep trying. I lobbed a lot of “friendship” balls and only a few got returned but I must say, I’m a lot happier now that I took a few risks with it.
As far as “couples friends” go, however – your guess is as good as mine! Still working on that one.
REPORT ABUSEMay 6, 2010 at 6:33 pm #93949
AnonymousInactiveMay 6, 2010 at 6:33 pmPost count: 14413I don’t have many friends either. But I’m very tight with my family, so I wouldn’t say that relationships are a challenge for me.
Momma always said that the best way to have a friend is to be a friend. Okay, but let’s remember that a small percentage of the people you make an effort to befriend are going to appreciate it and reciprocate. Also remember that it may be difficult for us to really show an interest and stay with something like building a friendship. We get bored with people if they can’t keep up. They don’t understand our inattentiveness if they catch us at a bad time.
My friends from school turned out to only be my friends because we were thrown together and HAD to get along. Once we got out, we easily went our separate ways and didn’t even miss each other.
Keep your eyes OPEN. What I’ve learned this year (after 45 years of failure) is that the people capable of being really good friends to us do not come in the kind of packaging we expect. Get to know some weird people.
REPORT ABUSEMay 6, 2010 at 7:53 pm #93950Dog Father – definitely agree with expanding our horizons when looking for kindred spirits – I find more and more that I’m connecting with people outside of my age group, both older and younger. Especically since I quickly discovered that, during the baby/toddler years that’s all people my age wanted to talk about and (hate to say it) I don’t even like talking about my own kids in a recreational manner!
REPORT ABUSEMay 7, 2010 at 2:08 am #93951Thanks for your ideas ….I have always been on the low side for having friends, but in the past I have always had at least one.! I thought I fit in with the other moms as I went and talked and laughed with them daily (at the drop-in/parent centers) I joined the local park / city council for my neighbourhood, I have helped out at school functions etc, etc. But it always stays at that it seems I’m good enough when others need something but thats it. No one ever calls to come over for coffee or invite my kids over for playdates SOoo I try. Believe me I have made alot of effort with every sort of people..
I have offered my phone number to other parents, made playdates but then they cancel. In the summer we have a big pool in our yard My 12 and 14 yr old and my self are always asking neighbourhood kids to come by for swim they say sure but never do come. I ask others to stop by for a bbq they say sure but never do …
We don’t have alot of money for us to go out to join local clubs and activities so I just go to the local parks and walks around the neighbourhood but that isn’t doing much good…I don’t have any family, alll my highschool friends are either moved away or live more the an hours drive away and there isn’t many weird people in my neighbourhood (just alot of young couples/new parents) …
REPORT ABUSEMay 7, 2010 at 5:02 am #93952I think that a lot of the problems with finding and keeping friends, have to do with the fact that most people today are so caught up in their “toys” (cellphones, texting, Crackberry, Twitter, Facebook, e-mail…) that they’ve lost the ability to interact in person. It’s much easier for them to type in a quick message, then go and do something else, than it is for them to get themselves and their kids ready, get into the car, and go and meet up with their “friends”. And then, instead of just typing/texting a quick message and going on to do something else, they actually need to communicate “in the moment” with the other people. They need to pay attention for a while, and instantly give a thoughtful reply. And that’s way too much effort for them. Far better for them to just send a Tweet, and go back to their video games, cellphones, etc.
REPORT ABUSEMay 7, 2010 at 4:24 pm #93953I guess this is the type of thing with no definite solution. If nothing else, it seems that there’s a group of us here that are interested and listening – it’s a start! Not the same as a neighbourhood bbq but you never know where things will lead:)
REPORT ABUSEMay 8, 2010 at 5:21 pm #93954@Mica thanks I guess your right. At least here I can feel like I’m not alone here:-)
@Larynxa I understand what you are saying about the “toys” As I see my 14yr old son in that boat as he has limited friends and problems interacting one on one with others and so spends alot of time with his “toys” My self “I hate the phone” It drives me nuts to just sit there and yap and that may be my problem, as I hate phoning others just to yap about life. I am an outdoor person and feel better when I can see others when talking to them I also feel better when I’m outdoors as I don’t feel so couped up and this to seems to be a problem, as most pepole these days spend alot of time texting to meet up…. or sending emails to each other about local stuff.
REPORT ABUSEMay 8, 2010 at 9:51 pm #93955Hey Just Me.
I don’t think that finding good friends, or even just friends is a problem that just us ADDers have. Like some have mentioned, society today has alot to do with it and I know alot of “normal” people with the same struggles. That doesn’t make it any easier.
I don’t have much time to explain my lot in life right now ( got to go out for an early mothers day dinner with my Mom) but I will say there is one thing that has made a huge difference in my life and in having friends to hang around with. Church.
I can imagine many people running for the doors after reading that one word, but i can say with confidence that our friends that don’t belong to a church family feel pretty isolated and alone in this big world, which is a big difference to the feeling of belonging our church going friends have. I’m not trying to cram religion down your throat, and I’m not part of some cult recruiting team. I’m just metioning it because I see what a big difference it makes it our lives now. I always use to take it for granted but there are many things that have made me see how fortunate my family and I are.
At the risk of being late for dinner I will say that many people have a bad opinion of the Christain church and I can’t say it is without reason. Most people think of the church as judgemental, hypocritical and anti gay and thats nobodys fault but the churches. I’m a poor excuse for a Christian myself and am embarassed at the damage I can do to peoples view of a beautiful thing, that being God’s undonditional love for us. ( us being you included.)
Um……….Amen.
Babysitters are alot easier to find too. See ya.
REPORT ABUSEMay 11, 2010 at 9:26 pm #93956go to http://www.meetup.com. type in something you’re interested in… sewing, climbing, coffee, movies, whatever…
and hopefully there is a meetup group in your area. i have found this site to be the best place to find people with a common interest.
they are all over the world. and they even have meetup groups for playdates with kids. for stay at home moms, working moms, crafty moms… you name it. and best of all… it’s FREE!!! with the small amount that actually charge for dues or playdate events. i think this is a way to start, b/c at least you have a common interest with the folks that you are meeting with. right there is the ice breaker solved. and then there is the fact that you can be choosey. you don’t HAVE to stick to one group (perfect for us ADDers). go check it out!
personally i don’t have your problem (not that i’m trying to depress you); my problem is that i’m constantly meeting new people and then that’s all i want to do, is be interested in them (then there’s the ever so annoying “uhm , i just don’t have the evergy to be your friend” comment i occasionally get, ouch!). those that i truly do care to continue the friendship just happen to stick around and we become really good friends. there have been many times, where i’ve made an acquaintance with a mom or a person, that i thought i’d really like being around and then it turned out that either i or them had a problem with each other’s personality, so we kind of just stopped communicating or making an effort to see each other. funny thing is, that when that happens, i’m all about not taking it personally, b/c i know i’m not perfect and not EVERYONE is going to like me.
good luck! let me know if you find something.
REPORT ABUSEMay 13, 2010 at 5:19 am #93957
AnonymousInactiveMay 13, 2010 at 5:19 amPost count: 14413I belong to a meetup group for Adult ADHD (in Toronto) but haven’t attended recently due to the distance I have to travel to get there. it was such a great experience to go to my first meeting and be amongst people JUST like me. It felt sooooo good to know that there were others out there just like me and they were all interested in talking to me!
Am I different than others? Yes, probably so. I’ve had some of the same difficulties as you when I was a young mom and had just moved here to this province/city. It’s a much different place than friendly Saskatoon (Welcome new totally ADD staff member!!) and just moving here put me into culture shock! Not having a circle of friends to talk with was really difficult. Being with 3 wee kids on my own (DH was away on business for weeks at a time) was nearly the end of me!!
When summer arrives and I shed my work duties, I’ll be back to my meetups to rub shoulders with like-minded people who don’t mind long-winded conversations and scattered, wandering thoughts. They understand ’cause they’ve experienced the same things. Now if I could just get one of my now adult children to appreciate the marvelous workings of my ADHD mind…….. life would be grand.
Her distain for my brain power does remind me and help me to remember why sometimes people may wish to avoid me. I try to keep my mind focussed on how much I’m talking and how much I’m listening. Like Rick said, ask quesions and then listen. People love to talk, especially about themselves or their kids. (At my age, hearing about other people’s kids can make me gag but maybe that’s because I work with them all day and have zillions of parents telling me all kid’s stories)
Maybe the most important thing to remember is that you’ve not found that perfect friend yet but life is not over yet. Tomorrow may be just the day you’ve been waiting for. BTW, none of my friends had kids even near the age of my children. When you meet your friend, they probably won’t have that ‘birthday guest’ child for kid’s birthday party. Our friends rarely have kids that match up well with our children. Bah!
REPORT ABUSEMay 14, 2010 at 2:44 pm #93958
AnonymousInactiveMay 14, 2010 at 2:44 pmPost count: 14413zsazsa just nailed me. I’m not a mom, never had any kids. Listening to other people drone on about them drives me up a wall.
On the other hand, one good friend of my wife has two perfect daughters about ages 8 & 9. We have a lot of fun with them when the kids are around. These people are different. They don’t make the kids the center of their universe. The family as a unit is the center, and the kids are equally important “partners”. Everyone knows their role. I’m never bored with them.
REPORT ABUSEMay 15, 2010 at 1:53 am #93959Remember that Normal defined is also average and common.
And I believe over-rated. You actually have an online community right here to express your feelings too.
However, if you are looking for more “real world” connections, the library has book clubs, there are any number of service organizations who love and need volunteers. Giving back is such a great way to meet new and nice people.
I’ll be happy to “virtually” friend you. You can find me on twitter at http://www.twitter.com/flybabymoni
And for now *passes you a marguarita and “Happy Birthday!”
REPORT ABUSEMay 16, 2010 at 2:26 pm #93960
AnonymousInactiveMay 16, 2010 at 2:26 pmPost count: 14413As far as keeping friends once you manage to meet people through all of the wonderful ways that everyone has suggested, I can recommend a couple of books which address the issues that women with ADD have with making and keeping friends. The first is “You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?” by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. It has several chapters which break down social interaction for adults with ADD. The other is “Women with Attention Deficit Disorder” by Sari Solden. This book also deals with social interaction but also has a chapter dedicated solely to making and maintaining friendships. I recommend both books as they are well loved members of my own collection and I think they would be of great help.
Good luck and many hugs! <3 <3 Also happy belated!
REPORT ABUSEJune 8, 2010 at 4:20 pm #93961
AnonymousInactiveJune 8, 2010 at 4:20 pmPost count: 14413I want to second Veronica’s suggestion on using meetup.com. I’ve had very few friends in my life because I suck at small-talk. I find it next to impossible to talk about “nothing.” The problem is my interests are so unusual that I don’t often meet people like minded. Meetup.com really helped there.
I also want to second JayBird’s recommendations of books. This is an often overlooked area of impairment in ourselves because we don’t recognize it as an impairment unless someone else points it out. We have no context in which to compare ourselves (since our only friends tend to be people like us) so we fail to notice how different we are socially. Many of us have had to teach ourselves to recognize social queues in others as well as social handicaps in ourselves before we can converse with “normals” long enough for them to get to know who we are inside. Once you’ve sent out the “weird” vibe one time it is hard to overcome. It’s difficult for people to get past our awkward exterior personas to find out that we are really great, forgiving, and loyal friends if we have difficulty making good first impressions.
Below is a list of personality types I have noticed in ADDers that tend to make bad impressions in social settings. We have to train ourselves to recognize these social faux pas and correct for them if long lasting friendships is our goal. Before you can develop a friendship the person has to want to talk to you a second or third time.
Socially poor ADHD personality types:
– It’s All About Me –
All people love to talk about themselves. It is the one subject they are the foremost expert on and therefore find it easiest to talk about. The difficulty is knowing when it is okay to make it about yourself or when you should let the other(s) take the lead. The ADDer with problems in this area tend to speak only in terms of “me” or “my.” This is the person who thinks contributing to a conversation is comprised only of telling about their personal experiences with or thoughts on a subject. Sometimes the ADDer is just so desperate to contribute to the conversation they end up trying too hard and become this person. ADDers often don’t recognize when they should be offering supporting comments (“oh you poor dear,” “I can’t believe he did that,” “You were absolutely right to . . .”, etc.) instead of “Me” comments (“Yeah, you know what happened to me once? I . . .”, “I would have . . .,” “When we went there we . . .,”).
From my experience, if you want to make friends with someone try to make the conversation all about them. Try to avoid the “I” word. You won’t succeed (because you have ADD) but you’ll succeed enough to keep them interested in talking to you again. When you do get your turn don’t overdo it. We ADDers tend to be much more open about ourselves than “normals.” Too much intimate detail too early can scare away others so keep your self talk shallow. A good guideline may be to parrot back the same subjects and to the same level of intimacy the other spoke about, only about yourself (that is, if you can remember what the other spoke about
.
Another option is to plan out in advance what you’ll say about yourself and how much you’ll say. We ADDers always do better with guidelines so plan ahead. This is subject matter you’ll always use so it doesn’t hurt to prepare even if you don’t get to use it until six months from now.
– The One Track Mind –
Tends to talk only about things he/she is interested in (see description of myself above); or tends to try to pull conversations back to earlier topics that others have already moved on from (usually because a new thought just occurred to him/her and the ADDer can’t stop the impulsive need to verbalize it}.
– The Interrupter –
This is the ADDer who is so eager to say what he/she needs to say that they can’t stop themselves from interrupting others. This is all about controlling our impulses which is often the hardest thing to do for us ADDers. This person is often the same person as . . .
– The Super-Lung –
This is the person who never seems to take a breath. He/she can talk non-stop about a subject and makes it very difficult for others to contribute to the conversation, often continuing to talk even when someone else tries to interject some input.
– The Know It All –
Everyone knows one of these people. In fact, I have to work hard not to be one of these people. This trait is certainly not exclusive to ADDers but I do notice it often goes along with the “It’s all about me” type. This is the person who knows something about EVERYTHING. They love to correct others even when they’re wrong. If you are talking to someone who has used the word “Actually” to start a sentence more than one time in the conversation, you’re probably talking to a know-it-all.
– The Day Dreamer –
This the person who is looking around the room while someone is speaking to them. This is a very common one in ADDers. For some it takes a massive amount of will power to ignore all those distractions and continue to look the speaker in the face. WE know we are still paying attention while looking around the room but the speaker just thinks we’re rude.
– The Scatter Brain –
This is the opposite of the One-Track-Mind. This is the ADDer whose mind is whirling with so many thoughts he/she will often just blurt them out as they pop into his/her head. They think they are offering something interesting to the conversation (and usually they are), but they often do it in the wrong context (like bringing up your great new leather boots at a PETA rally) or they offer they through it out abruptly with no segue from the previous topic.
I know there’s more but that’s all I can think of right now. I think I’ll start another thread to see what other types others may have noticed.
Anyway, if you try to be conscious of these stumbling blocks you’ll do much better at making good first and second impressions and therefore getting the chance to build a friendship.
Good luck,
WW
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