Not soo new anymore…not so exciting…

[Anonymous]

Bill,

At 45, two years after being diagnosed and taking meds, I realize decades of self-doubt and low self-esteem can’t disapear in a flash. It’s a 45 year old habit. There’s no magic wand yet, no miracle pill. In fact, it’s always there and I have to deal with that struggle everyday, one day at a time. I’ve got to stop thinking I’ll screw up and sabotage what I worked for and remember I’m full of unrevealed and marvelous potential. I now have to be self-confident and believe I can do it too. Reading all the posts in this forum helps me understand so many things.

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[trashman]

Thanks Bill, something to think about.

quiscale I find your post to be filled with a lot of (hit home truth) THANK-YOU that is me in a nut shell.

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[Anonymous]

Isn’t it wonderful to finally talk to (and read) so many people who understand you completely and can put words on what you feel? Spending time on this (addictive) forum is for me the best therapy for coming to terms (baby steps) with my past and ‘non-past’, my lack of ‘identity’, my lack of commitment to anything. I want to get past the ‘why did I / why did it / why didn’t I’. Sometimes I succeed but some days it comes back and I have to get back on my feet. I find strenght and energy when I focus on the ‘how do I now / how will I tomorrow’.

Again, it’ a ‘one day at a time’ process.

All of your posts help me tremendously. Today (for the last 2 years), I’m commited to get better, to discover the real ‘me’, to celebrate what I am. I have to learn to be proud of myself which is the hardest part, given today’s performance society (where I don’t fit in). I guess being here today, all in one piece and trying to figure things out is already a great achievement and something to be proud of. Let’s hang on.

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[Robbo]

Thanks quiscale,

your post put a bow on this whole thread for me. I’ve been sorta living one foot out the door with this community. But you’ve helped me stop n think some more.

A time limit and a limit on how much I allow myself to invest emotionally on the effort I put into being part of this community are important keys to my over all “place in the world” search that helped me to find this place.

I just have to accept that I’m absolutely unique. And that is no crime. There is a place in this world for me.

My place in this world is not actually a place. It’s self acceptance, and growth.

And some kind of balance between the two that I may never get to find. Acceptance of a certain level of loneliness is key.

I do

I accept my alone ness.

It’s mine.

Sunday afternoon I spent a few hours really talking, listening, and trying to connect to absolutely crazy homeless people. Just two dudes I’ve been trying to help in my own way the last month or so. God only knows how much success there is.

The result? I felt better about my place in the world. I cared much less about what ANY person thought about me. I felt closer to the God that created me. I felt less needy.

I was okay with not feeling okay.

content.

Life is incredibly simple.

we just

breath in

breath out

repeat.

eat

sleep

Drag my raggity but outa bed

and

do it again.

never give up.

Oh yeah, one last thing.

stop by totallyadd.com once on a while to read and write.

And remember to pee so my kidneys don’t explode!!!

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[Carry]

Absolutely, Bill! Thanks for acknowledging!!

LMAO @ the exploding kidneys remark, Robbo!

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[Anonymous]

@Robbo,

Like your analogy with homeless people and trying to find one’s way. That’s a powerful image. Deep inside we can relate with them because we’re free spirits who didn’t quite find our places yet. One feet in, one feet out. Question is : would we be happy with 2 feet in the whole time? Could it be that we have a homeless and rebel mind that can’t settle down in just one place? Reading your post gives me so much to think about. Thanks for sharing that unique story with us. What you did with these guys was giving them unconditional ‘love’ and acceptance, something we didn’t get plenty of. That’s a gift of heart. You have something to be proud of. I’m proud of you. You’re a truly good person with a truly good heart. That makes you very unique. Everything you say fits me. The feeling of not belonging, of not fitting in anywhere all my life since I was a kid. Rejection. With age, I come realize I don’t have to be just like everybody else, I don’t have/want to be ‘plain boring’ normal. I hate ‘normal’. All my life I was asked to be and act ‘normal’, rather than being myself. As a result, I lost my sense of identity.

For the first time in my life, at 45, I found a real passion, a real hobby. Apart from my family, my life revolves around that (obsessive, what else!) passion : animal photography. Animals are true survivors, given the state of today’s planet. They can teach us so much. Brings me inner peace. Looking at birds flying gives me wings of hope. Simple moments, simple pleasures, great satisfaction. Last week, I ‘met’ a fox and took the photo. Gave me a one week high. Absolutedly free and 100% safe.

More and more, I’m proud of being different, proud of doing things creatively. Nowadays, ironically, some bored ‘normal’ people want to hang out with me into the woods and swamps, feet wet and dirty, in hope that passion could be contagious. You never know, I might show them the way to get back meaning into their lives…

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[Robbo]

Wow!

Very cool post quiscale, like poetry. Accept you probably didn’t just make up the whole thing like I did, huh?

haha. (I’m in one of “those” moods again) hense the temporary change of my Avatar. ***black tooth grin***

POP! rats! forgot to pee again. atz okay, I still got one good kidney…

Seriously, thanks for the sincere words. It’s food for my hurting soul. Really hit the spot too.

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[Anonymous]

@Robbo and all,

I’m proud to present you my red fox (new avatar), the one I talked about in my previous post. Talk about extreme sensations! Took it under hostile conditions : taken by surprise, had to concentrate and coordinate fast (the hardest part), complete darkness, wooden area, flash not working, behind the door black mosquito net, fearing it was about to pass through and come inside the room. Red foxes have been reported to enter houses and attack humans! Anyways, I was able to press the button. Thanks to Photoshop, I added some brightness and details. Thinking about that moment gives me strength for days…

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[Robbo]

Hey!

Very cool new avatar quiscale, I wanted to compliment ya even before I read your post above.

I hope you do a lot of writing, and back it up. You could put a lot of what you write in books n sell em!. It’s poetic, beautiful, and unique.

There are sooo many beautiful and creative people here, no wonder I feel like I’m addicted to this one web site.

It’s not a painful destructive addiction either. Very much the opposite.

Thanks again to Rick, n Ava. You’ve started a beautiful thing. Imagine the families that are being put back together as a result of your passions. There are more names to praise, of course. But I’m sure they get paid in well being and happiness that I sincerely hope you’re both feeling as you watch this thing grow.

Love, silly, and sincerely yours

Robert.

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[trashman]

well said Robbo, I wish I had a little of the talent that you people have . I spend most of my time just trying not to screw up. ie just over a week ago I was feeling pretty good it stopped raining . I knew the gutters on the house were full of crape, so out comes the ladder and the air compresses and failed. so out comes the garden hose and star to spray no luck, so I bend my knee ,not realizing that the hose was under my shoe. we’ll I lost my footing and down I went. cut my leg to the bone and 12 stitches latter and a lot of pain I still have dirty gutters. but 10 days later at least today I get my stitches out. ps it was only a 10 foot drop.

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[Scattybird]

Oh trashman – I didn’t know whether to laugh at your tale or feel sorry for you, so I did both! You made a horrible event sound hilarious! But I hope your stitches aren’t giving you too much pain.

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[Author]

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