notgettinwat I need to help my ADHD

[Anonymous]

Since January i’d been taking Adderall IR. Doc and I hadnt gotten the dossage figured out until march and I still am not sure if its the right dossage or maybe it should be spread out longer with less. Anyways, i’m irritable when comming off the adderall. Its pretty much inconsistant on when it happens but on occasion if the right conditions come together i get a bit snappy.

THats part one.

Part two.

I’m critizied or at least I feel like I am whenever I have my son for visitation. I feel like every family member that is around the two of us at the time is judgemental and always is quick to tell me that i’m wrong or that I should chill when they are taking things out of context or just not understanding.

third part

I dont ever remember you being like this before… I’ve heard that statement so many times now that I started to question whether or not I have adhd (overthinking).

If possitive feedback is what I need for part of the treatment then how do i get it? I feel like when I wake up and start my day everything I do is for someone else. Like my mission is to just make other people happy through whatever selfless acts that I can, which is part of that whole seeking aproval thng since I grew up un diagnosed and had been told i’d been doing so much wrong all my life.

So w/o being too redundant how do I achieve this positive enviroment? Being treated as I am right now isnt working and makes me not want to be around anyone. I makes me not want to talk for fear i’ll say something that they take the wrong way. It just makes me not want to do jack.

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[Anonymous]

I’ve found therapy quite helpful, combined with meditation training (same person). I don’t give a *T$%$&t* what my family think anymore, fortunately I have little contact with them now. But then, I don’t have children and that’s an additional level of complication and responsibility. But I would recommend therapy if you can afford it (might be covered through insurance).

If you can’t afford that, an ADD support group might be very helpful. Check out http://www.meetup.com for groups in your area or even consider starting one up (you’d be surprised who comes out of the woodwork.

This group is very helpful too, but being able to talk face to face with someone who understands your situation and ADD is invaluable.

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[Anonymous]

I understand the benifits of theropy and of support groups. I do have some isues that are non adhd related that I could see one for but i can confidently say that positive feedback from my family, friends, and co-workers. I’d say mainly I need this support from my family and from my friends. They seem to be the ones that dont understand more than anyone, at work no one treats me different although i still feel a bit under apreciated but thats going to be with anyone at any job so no argument there. Its the constant attacks, and the critiziing of everything I do. It makes me feel like i’m under the microscpe, but at the same time its a telescope because people have at the same time become distant. The distance doesnt help due to abandonment issues which reinforces the feelings that I have that i’m doing something wrong. Yes it is complicated but its not like I dont knowwhats going on in my own head. I dont feel like I need someone else to point these things out or to get me talking. I dont mind talking to a theropist or whatever but i’d just like it for those who “love” me to be more accepting and to just listen without being an “expert” because they think they know someone else with adhd. We are all individual special cases with similarities is what i’ve tried to convey which doesnt seem to sink in with them. I’ve brought home articles printed from adhd sites, i’ve tried to get them to watch the documentry. I guess i have time to think about it…

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[Anonymous]

Therapy is helpful in seeing that you’re the only person you can change. You can’t change others, but you can change your response to them (both inner and outer response). Therapy helps give you a different perspective on that and also illuminate other things that might be going on.

I hear you on abandonment issues. that’s a big one for me, although it took me 55 years to figure it out with the help of my therapist (who I’ve been seeing for about 2 years now).

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[sdwa]

Don’t know if this will help or not, but I hear you. I’ve had similar experiences – just being desperate for approval. Before diagnosis I had seen multiple therapists over a period of about 20 years, and they didn’t help much because they didn’t know what the problem was – ADHD.

What has helped me:

Finding a support group of other people with ADHD has allowed me to separate what’s “me” from the symptoms, so I don’t feel like a failure, and am better able to cut myself some slack, and to make the problem external where it can be worked on. It’s good to understand this is a real problem, not a character defect.

Learning as much as possible about ADHD and brain functioning to reduce self-blame and start to focus on work-arounds and what can be changed. Some experts say the best way for us to change is to make instructions external – like posting a note to yourself about what you need to do in the place you will actually be doing it. You can also post notes around to cheer yourself on (and it’s more than okay to do that if it helps YOU.)

Becoming a detective in my own life, learning to take note of the circumstances under which I function best – and then trying to create that environment for myself.

Thinking long and hard about my personal value system, about a code of ethics and beliefs about what makes life good and meaningful for me, what I think justice and fairness look like – and then using that as my yardstick about what kind of person I am. This means what other people think doesn’t matter – what I think is what’s paramount. So the approval comes from inside of me, instead of from out there, because I’m meeting my own standards and am learning to be much kinder to myself. But I couldn’t do this successfully if I didn’t understand the REAL limitations that come with ADHD, and accept them. I have a disability.

If other people don’t get it, that’s their problem. You know what your true motives are, and if despite your best intentions the people around you are still harsh and critical, avoid them. Reach out to people who DO get you. Honor yourself for the tremendous amount of work you do just getting out of bed in the morning and getting on with your life every day. You deserve that.

Namaste

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[Anonymous]

wow, thank you both so much for your responses. Despite knowing so much about myself and how I function there were things brought up by the both of you that pertain to me that wasnt on the forefront of my thought process. I’ll re-evaluate my situation.

I’ve thought that to surounding myself with friends and family that I thought were supportive was helpful. I guess this is me learning which ones of them are truely understanding and those which choose to not understand. Oh crap gotta run to work going to be late.

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[Anonymous]

Hey Kylep……..after I read your posts……I’m in a similar vein as No_ dop and Sdwa. Your comments resonate strongly with me. Most, or should I say many folks (as I understand it ) place a great deal of weight on family and family approval or disapproval. So it is not unusual for people to “seek approval” from family, and or a peer group, as well it’s not unusual to become dismayed at approval withholding.

Remember approval and love are quite different. Approval is “conditional” and may change from time to time, according to actions within a given context. A person’s approval is based on their individual values that they hold to be true “FOR THEM”…..and how they interpret others actions in terms of those values. Consider that people may also tend to apply their values and how to act on those values universally… as universal truth, towards other too. It is judgement….no????

If that is true…..it really is no surprise that there is approval dispensing and withholding between family members and peers. Love is quite different, it does not come with conditions. We can love someone yet, not approve of their actions or what they do…..quite different.

I guess as Swda and No_dop suggest…I also found that ADD or not …….it was important for me to know and understand deeply, who I am, what I believe, and why I hold those beliefs so strongly. I found it necessary to determine what my perspective is…..mine,truly mine…..not what I was told was mine. That concept has been critically important to me all of my adult life, to my self image, and self-esteem!!! If I am comfortable with what I believe, and how I perceive the world, and what emotions I call on, and the actions I take in response …then others approval or disapproval really diminishes, I do not need to internalize their approval or disapproval , at all!!! I can let others have their thoughts and opinions….it’s ok with me. I’m good, I’m comfortable with who I am and what I do. I am interested in what they think, it tells me who they are…..but I don’t have to own it!!

I found boundaries were also important to me particularly within my birth family. My father was fond of telling me what I “should be doing” even when I was 40-ish, at the time I had a successful career, partner, two great kids, nice home…blah blah blah. He still found it within his “fatherly” duties or rights, to tell me how to raise my children, spend my income, where I should live, etc etc. One day while visiting I said Dad…STOP!! You may not tell me how to run my life anymore. I am a grown man, with my own children and life, I love you, and we can share as much about our lives as we want but, “YOU CAN NOT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE ANYMORE”….I won’t permit it. I love you, but this is my life, if you want to be in it, this is the way it has to be!!! It find it disrespectful, that you keep telling me how to live, I’m a grown man…STOP!!

My old Pop had a shit fit and fell of the deep end saying……”I’m still your father”….”you’ll always be my son”…”I only want the best for you”….blah blah blah. I listened patiently, and then said… “sure those things are all true….but….I am a man, not a child”. “You may not treat me as a child….. it stops now”!! I love you.

Well it did stop….and our relationship changed….sure there were slips and backslides from the old boy…but I held my boundaries rigid so he could learn to behave within those new relationship parameters. It worked out fine….but if I had not communicated my needs and held firm, our relationship would have floundered. It took some thinking and preparation on my part before I acted with him, but it was well worth it….to me. My needs were communicated with love and compassion…..for the both of us.

This is just a tiny peek at my story…..not to be taken as advise….that’s not my place.

toofat

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[Zita]

I was also looking for approval all of my life, I come from an alcoholic family, I did this therapy called ISTDP check out this link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intensive_short-term_dynamic_psychotherapy it really helped me, I’m no longer a people pleaser, I’ve been able to let go of the anger I’ve been carrying around. I see the people that hurt me, and criticized me my whole life as people. It’s taken a long time but it can be done. It sounds like you have a lot of hurt, so every time some one says some thing little, or what they see as little, is like just adding to the hurt you all ready have. The therapy really works, I bet it would have been better if I had been on meds for ADHD at the time, but I didn’t know I had it then.

Are you able to visit your son alone? Maybe you could tell those family members in the nicest way possible that you and your son need positive feelings and comments, and if they are not able to do that then they are not welcome to take part in the visit. If it is mandatory that you are supervised while visiting with your son ask if the courts could appoint some one neutral.

I hope this helped, keep your chin up, you never know what can happen, how things can change. I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life doped up on meds being treated for a metal illness I didn’t’ have…..my life has change dramatically just in the last month!!

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[Anonymous]

I am so overwhelmed right now. I feel a genuine concern from all of you, and that means so much to me. I’m absolutely amazed with how well you all seem to understand me, and my needs. I know that we all share a part of each others lives despite never meeting or knowing each other in person. I’m so greatful that i can comunicate to the best of my ability, and the message is picked up and is understood loud and clear. Amazing…

Well last night I had dinner with my sister, she was taking me to see my doc last night to get my scrip filled. At dinner we started talking about things as usual. Since I have such a hard time prioritizing my thoughts It came to me in mid conversation that I should write it all down first and then talk to who ever it is that I feel I need to talk to. Well as far as the conversation went she was quick to mention how she never remembered me being like I am. Loosing my patience as I do, being so quick to become irritable. I reminded her that the two of us had just started hanging out as adult brother and sister at the end of last year. I told her some of my stories of past impulsive rages brought on by irritable situations. I think that she understood that there was a large portion of my life that she wasnt around for. We continued the discussion and I built up the courage to confront her about her statements in regards to not remembering me ever like this and how it makes me feel. I told her that Phil (step-father) had been making comments about how I am snappy with him now that I taking adderall. She absorbed everything I said and shifted into her mode of opperation. She is a fix it person. She’s a problem solver by heart and her intentions are the best. I told her that these were problems that wont go away quickly and that I needed her support and Phils because the two of them are so close to me in my life. She of course wanted to instantly go and start fixing my brain. I told her again its not like I’ll take a pill and it goes away, kyle is better, and everything goes back to what we think it should be. I told her that i feel like I am worse that what I let people know, that there are things about me that almost scare me when I think about other people knowing these things about me. She asked, and obviously since I brought it up was willing to talk about it. I told her about how I used to like to still like to rock back and fourth, how I used to bang my head on things and how it soothed me and made me feel better as a child. How I like cramped tight spacs, how I like to organize and everthing has to be so. Then I told her how these things still live in me and how they still have the same affect on me, how I like to bang my head on the wall. I told her that it scared me and made me become more sensitive to mental illness. She had a very concerned look on her face but was still confussed. I explained more about how I feel about different things, and how different comments make me feel. I wanted her to understand that the little things might not be so little to me.

We didnt talk much more about it until later after she took me to docs. She waited out in the car for the two hours I was there. Doc has known me since I was 8 He has known my step-father since he was in his early 30’s He is very knowlegable when it comes to my family, and our lives. He knows how my sister and I were treated growing up, and he understands the effects its had on my brain vs. hers; which I’ll come back to that subject later.

Doc and I talked for quite a while. I told him how i was doing on the new dossage and that it was working out good for me with everything except for…. and proceeded to tell him about the lack of family support. I asked him about theropy and a counceler or psyc and he said again that theropy can come in different ways, and again reminded me that I would quickly become bored with a social worker, psyc, or counceler. See when I was younger my parents sent me to see one for a short time. It was a short time for a reason.

I love that one of my best friends has ADHD too. As i’ve mentioned in other posts he has known all of his life and it has affected him differently than me since I grew up not knowing until I was 31. We are able to talk and get inside perspective 24-7 because we have each other. Well he’s in China and has been for a month now. I wouldnt think that not being able to talk and work things out with him for the month would screw me up. Sometimes I feel like i’m being over dramatic. arg. frustrated, not frustrated, focused, not focused.

Ok back to what I was talking about. Got out of docs & headed for home. We talked about Phil in the car and she must have thought about what I had said over dinner because her attitude and the way she interacted with me was much different. We got my scrip filled and she continued to be the was she was when we left docs. I think that I was sucessful with my sister. I have to talk to Phil next. Other people in my life I am at the point where I am starting to care less and less with each infraction towards our friendship or relationship.

I hope that this is the start of something better for me.

I’m actually a little bit optomistic about this.

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[Zita]

That’s awesome kylep!! Good for you for having the courage to talk to your sister, I hope it goes as well as it did when you talk to your step father….do you think it would help if your Dr. talk to him?

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[Anonymous]

I think it’s really great that you spoke directly with your sister, and didn’t let her go off on her fix-it pattern (good for you to see that clearly!). The outcome may not be exactly as you want, but at least you’ve gotten it off your chest and made an attempt to reach out to her with the truth of your situation as you see it.

That may not work with everyone, so don’t be discouraged. Some people are resistant to seeing anything other than the fixed opinions they hold so tightly to. My mom, for example, was angry about something that once happened at a sleep clinic, I said “Mom, write a letter to the doctor!” but she wouldn’t, she just didn’t want to let go of her anger. For some reason, for her, it felt better to be angry.

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[Curlymoe115]

Kylep, I am glad that your sister is trying to be different and appreciate where you are coming from. Do you chart the times you are coming off of your medication and how it is making you feel. Maybe when you know you are coming off the meds and it is going to make you more irritable you might try to make sure you are doing something that you like. Try to be away from others for a few minutes or as long as it takes to readjust to the non medicated state.

As for your son and always feeling criticized as the others said it depends on how these visits are conducted. If you are able to, try to schedule activities that are slightly structured but allows you a chance to talk and listen to how he feels. If he inherited your ADD then he is going to need a sounding board that lets him know that he is not bad. Try and relate some of the things that you dealt with before your diagnosis. As for the rest of your family and friends, they knew you for a long time before your diagnosis and medication. It is going to take a while for them to adjust to the new you. When they make comments that you perceive as hurtful and judgmental ask them to further explain what they meant. You aren’t the same anymore is not a helpful comment. But when your sister explained that you seem more irritable then you used to, you were given the opportunity to explain about the medication and externalizing things that before you kept bottled up. Then she was given an opportunity to think about your conversation and she tried to make a change in how the two of you interacted. But just like you feel judged she may be feeling the same from you.

If your sister is a fixer, then it was hard for her to back off and not fix you. So appreciate that while you feel that she has turned a corner with regard to your relationship you may find that it doesn’t last. In families we often have roles assigned to us or assumed by us. It is how we know our place in that universe. With the medication you may be able to take a step back from the dynamic and see things a little more clearly, but don’t always assume that you are right, or that they are wrong. Or vice versa. We are only human and we are all controlled by circumstances that are going on in our life. As you said to your sister, your adult relationship only started a year ago. All relationships have ups and downs, plunges and plateaus. Treat your sister as you would any other person with which you have a close relationship with. Therapy is not a panacea. Unless you know what you are working towards it is hard to achieve a goal. It can help you identify what you want to work on, but unless these close people are going through this at the same time only how you react will change. Most of all try to view your relationship with these intimates in your life through the rosie hue of love. Because heaven knows most family members know how to rip the guts out of each other, and they exploit this knowledge ruthlessly. Sometimes we say the worst things to each other because we need to strike out and we know that they will still stand behind us because of the love we feel for each other.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks Curlymoe. Counceling not needed quite as much after a wonder weekend of camping, re-discovery of myself, and remembering that I used to love the Earth. The city will do that to ya.

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[Anonymous]

Keep your head in a positive place. Catch yourself when you feel like replying to a thoughtless remark and reply with a very positive thoughtful response like “I appreciate your concern/point of view/question, could you please think of a less negative or derogatory way to let me know? When I hear it like that it’s hard to reply without being frustrated and I don’t think that was your intent.” Smile.

When you feel negative, Smile and do what you are asking your friends and family to do. Spin it around to a positive and focus on what you can do.

Cheers.

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[Anonymous]

Hi All,

Just joined the site today and I’m soooo happy just to be able to communicate with so many others that understand the struggle. I’ve been going through a really rough time lately. In particular struggling with feelings of isolation, not being good enough.. you know the self abusive shopping list in my head. Or as I like to see it as the nagging angry monkey from family guy… I find visualizing the nasty voice as something commical and that helps to shut it down.

The greatest thing I struggle with is feelings of inadequacy, like I’m never doing well enough, or doing enough in general.. I find when I get really overwhelmed with these feelings I become paralysed and just end up doing nothing, until of course it MUST BE DONE NOW…lol

I know there has to be a better way of living, but it’s just hard to know where to start, so I’ve decided to start here by joining the conversation with all of you. So thank you all for being there and understanding what it’s like and I hope together that we can harness our ADHD for the better!!!

Wishing you all the best!

Anne

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