Self-indulgent rant: The post-diagnosis emotional journey does exist

[Scattybird]

What follows is a completely unadulterated self-indulgent rant and I make no apologies – I need this rant and therefore I am having it. Sorry – aah – I said I’d make no apologies! Therefore it’s tucked away in its own thread and if you prefer to just read more intellectual prose and advice then please don’t read any further. Just ignore it. It’s too long to read anyway. So look elsewhere or just please accept this for what it is.

They say that one goes through various phases after getting an ADHD diagnosis. Acceptance, anger etc. or whatever the phases are – I can’t remember, but they do say it’s a journey. I used to wonder how it could be a journey – how ridiculous, you’ve just been given a name for your quirks at the end of the day – it’s no big deal….how can that be the start of a JOURNEY? What rubbish! But actually I now believe it is the start of a journey and we will all make this journey in one way or another depending on our circumstances.

I was diagnosed 6 months ago, almost to the day. I have spent the last 6 months learning as much as possible about ADHD. I read everything I can on the subject. I believe I understand the neurology – at least as much as a non-medic can and I have soaked up people’s experiences and advice on this forum. I am SO grateful to EVERYONE for their posts.

But over the last 6 months I have had various ongoing thoughts; OK so I have ADHD. Or maybe I misled my psychiatrist and actually I am just a bit depressed. But then I have felt like this all my life, but maybe I have been depressed all my life. Afterall, my childhood wasn’t a bundle of laughs. But then the Ritalin works so it must be ADHD; but then again Ritalin must work for non-ADDers too, that’s why students abuse it isn’t it? No, it must be ADHD because I have always been an airhead and disorganized and a drama-queen and I can see it in my brother and a cousin – different ‘symptoms’ but they are definitely ADHD, although they don’t know it. Buy hey, that’s fine – I can accept that. I have ADHD.

So a couple of weeks ago I was at a semi-social event one evening at work and someone that used to work with me was there. She left her job to help her husband start up a business. Someone asked her how things were going with the business and she said they were really busy, too busy now for just the two of them. I jokingly said that I’d work for them if I lost my current job, and she INSTANTLY replied that with my ADHD I’d never get any work done so I’d be a liability – or words to that effect. I was completely and utterly stunned. I have never told her about me having ADHD, I don’t think I have even seen her since I decided I might have a problem and got my diagnosis. It’s something so far removed from any conversation I would ever have had with her that it stunned me that she said what she said. Why would such a thing even come into her mind? Because of my diagnosis I felt myself go scarlet and I am sure those around noticed. Afterwards I saw her on her own and asked why she had said what she’d said. I mean it was a bit left-field or whatever the phrase is. She said (with a gesture of arm waving) “because you are constantly ping, ping, ping so it’s obvious”. So I told her that I’d been diagnosed and she was relieved for me. There was nothing nasty in this conversation, I have a lot of respect for this person and she’s just very matter-of-fact.

But that episode bothered me, a lot. OK we used to work together closely for a few months but is it really SO obvious that I have ADHD? And if it’s so obvious to her, then WHY did it take me 49 years to work it out?!?!

The thing about that particular episode that bothered me was that it made it real. I FINALLY acknowledged that yes, I do have ADHD and my psychiatrist was right. Before I was just pretending to acknowledge it, or it wasn’t real for some reason.

OK – so that’s the acceptance phase. It took 6 months and a metaphorical slap on the face for that to happen.

Today, I took a Ritalin at lunch-time – I decided I’d wasted enough of the Easter break and I wanted to be proactive for the rest of the day. So whilst I was waiting for it to kick-in I had a bath and then it hit me out of the blue. Complete ANGER – where did THAT come from?!

How DARE this ADHD waste my time like it does? How DARE it affect every part of my life so that just leading a ‘normal’ life is a complete challenge? How DARE it mean my house looks like a pigsty, that my work is chaotic, that everything is difficult.

So I am angry with it all – ANGRY at the time a school teacher handed back an essay to the girl sitting next to me and congratulated her on a nice piece of work, but told me he expected better – we both got the same mark! – ANGRY at having all the resit exams throughout school and college because I couldn’t focus on revision – ANGRY at the lost job promotions because I didn’t focus on the right aspects of my job – ANGRY at the teasing I get from colleagues because I don’t lead the kind of life they think I should – ANGRY at the failed relationships – ANGRY with the way my mind works. In fact just bl***y ANGRY at the wasted time throughout my whole life when I should have been doing things instead of drifting about like there’s no tomorrow. If I put all that time together I must have wasted half my life so far.

So I guess I am at the angry stage now then. I hope it doesn’t last long. But on the other hand anger energizes me.

I know it’s bad to look back with regrets. It’s pointless and soul destroying. The past is the past and what I (and you) do next is what is important, not what is behind us.

Armed with this acceptance, I hope to now move on positively. I don’t intend wasting the next few decades. I can’t remember what the next stages are in this journey and I suspect I am probably going through them out of order anyway. I think anger is meant to come before acceptance – for me it was the other way around. How can one be angry about something that you’ve not yet accepted? Unless the acceptance is next and what I am calling acceptance was actually belief?

I guess it doesn’t matter – but I do now believe it is a journey. But I am going to do the rest of this journey with the knowledge and acceptance that I need to make is as pleasurable and fruitful as possible (once the anger dissipates!).

Sorry for the rant – but it was quite cathartic and normally I’d be appalled at such self-indulgence, but not today.

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[Tiddler]

First of all, we’re very close on this journey – it’s been 8 months for me. I have certainly gone through the stages of grief during these few months.

I also want to say that your ‘friend’ is breaking the law if she considers your ADHD a reason not to employ you and shame on her for saying such a hurtful and bigotted thing. I don’t want to take anything away from the respect you feel for her but I feel really angry on your behalf.

I have a similar rant due and perhaps I’ll post it on here (if I remember and you don’t mind!) when I’ve got the energy to do so. I’m in the ‘depressed’ phase, though i feel I would have skimmed over this part if I’d had some help yet… It’s a bit bleak here but it’ll get better.

Your paragraph about anger is almost exactly what i’ve been through too.

xxx

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[Scattybird]

Hi Tiddler – I should also have said that I am ANGRY about the lack of help people get and how slow it all is. I meant to include it but forgot.

I guess that’s part of your current depression amongst other stuff. It makes me angry that the NHS doesn’t pay enough attention to mental health issues, whether we’re talking about ADHD or other issues.

Of course I don’t mind you having a rant here – please do – I just sincerely hope you come out of the depressed phase very soon and can move forward. I should be grateful I am just feeling angry – depression is miserable. But you WILL see a way through it Tiddler – believe that.

I am lucky that I found a pysch so I have no right to be so self-indulgent and I ought to be ashamed really. However, it’s more the idea of it being a journey that got to me than anything else. The brain is weird and wonderful.

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[Anonymous]

That was a most excellent rant and I thank you for posting it. Maybe one day when I grow up I can rant too.

I’ve been writing a paper on lament and that we make a mistake when we skip over that part, or expect others to skip over it. Even though it’s from a theological point of view, I think the process applies to all of us, no matter what our beliefs are on religion.

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[Tiddler]

It certainly is a journey. The blog that I began writing was called ‘My adult adhd journey’ and i feel very much that is what it is.

I don’t feel that you should be ashamed for ranting. As Bellamom says, it’s a great rant! It’s spot on and describes so well so much of what i’ve felt along the way. The anger part is pretty intense. I don’t think you’re being self indulgent at all – I don’t think any of this is self indulgent. There’s a grieving process to go through. Barkley describes it really well.

I think the stages of grief are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. I don’t know much/anything about it really but I think they don’t necessarily have to happen in that order and there doesn’t have to be every stage evident.

I think I was in denial just before my diagnosis (what if it isn’t?) then the bargaining wasn’t with a ‘higher power’ but with myself – ‘if I just stop using the techniques that haven’t been working I’ll be fine’/’if I just concentrate more I’ll overcome it’ etc. The anger was pretty fierce and i suspect I might dip in and out of that one as I’m coming to terms with all this! The depression i really feel wouldn’t have happened if I had help straight away, but maybe i’m kidding myself. The acceptance seems to have been there most of the time, but not enough to really grab hold of and let the rest fade away. I’m working on it!

Don’t feel bad about your own journey and your own feelings about all this. It’s a journey, like you say. I feel really encouraged by your posts, by all of your posts. It helps to share this stuff!

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[Scattybird]

Thank you both.

Bellamom – I hope you don’t grow up and feel the need to rant. I hope your life takes a smooth (but interesting) path.

Your comment about lament is interesting. Lament sounds so much more romantic than rant. I like the idea of lamenting – but I suppose that falls into Tiddler’s grief stage more than the anger stage.

Tiddler – I think you’re right about the overlapping phases. If depression comes after the anger then I am in for a bothersome time. Guess I should note all your feelings since you’re a couple of months ahead of me in this game. However, we are all different so the phases may not be synchronised as you say.

Maybe if you had got help earlier you wouldn’t be depressed as you say – unless the depression is caused by the grinding hard work of everything. But the two might be linked. Either way, I hope you get it sorted soon.

So I lament my lost youth (I hit another decade at the end of the week so perhaps this is just a mid-life crisis) and I am angry about my ADHD.

And I do value your comments.

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[Bill]

If someone said I’d be unemployable because of my ADHD, I would come back with a stinging rebuke that would singe their hair. Unfortunately, the rebuke would be said in the shower the next day. I never come up with snappy retorts in the moment. I would probably do exactly what you did.

Still, for me, that is like saying to a woman that only a man can do that job, or to a Caucasian that white folk can’t swing etc. It’s a slap in the face and what’s more, it isn’t even factually correct. It’s a gross over-generalization based on a stereotype. You know it. I know it. Yet, if it were said to me in that context, it would hurt just like a slap in the face. You didn’t need that to come to grips with your situation.

As an ADHD person, there are times when you will shine and times when you won’t. Hey, isn’t everyone like that? Thank you for posting your rant.

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[Scattybird]

Bill – thanks for your support. Oddly at the time I was more concerned about what it was about my behaviour that made her think I have ADHD. At the time I didn’t read anything else into it. But actually reading your response and Tiddler’s reaction and thinking back to my embarrassment then it was a bit of a low comment to make.

Maybe Cyclone is right and we should ‘come out’ just to shift the biased views of people. Ah well, it will all look better in the morning – assuming we can sleep!

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[Anonymous]

I have been reading up on ADD these past couple of years and I am glad to have finally found a forum I can relate to. I am a 47 year old starting today on 10mg Ritalin 3 times a day. In 2010 and 2011 I was prescribed, first Stattera (that did not work at all), then I was prescribed Concerta , that as well did nothing for me. So today, as I wrote earlier I tried Ritalin. QUESTION : is one supposed to feel any difference on the very first day? I felt nothing except becoming dazed around 3pm. Actually, that was the only indication I had in fact taken the med. Yes , Concerta and Stattera were prescribed to me in all the “mg denominations, from very low to very high. Nothing seems to work. I must admit, misery loves company. I am almost relieved there are “others” like me. To tell you the truth, growing up, I never felt different (I was a tad hyperactive but not in school). It is now in my “old age” that I feel (no…I know) all my friends family members,collegues have acquired so much financially and academically. I lag behind. Yes I made pretty well through law school and two other post graduate degrees but professionally, I believe I will never live up to my expectations. I hope Ritalin will do its job on me.

I’d appreciate anyone letting me know what to expect on my second day on Ritalin.

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[foogol]

I will come back later to further read more and so-on.. Thanks Scattybird…

Nrgs, try going here.. Read Dr. J

http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=341

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[Scattybird]

Hello Nrgs –

Follow foogol’s link and have a read of people’s experiences.

I can tell you about my experience with Ritalin. I take the fast release sort and take 10mg three or four times a day depending on how early I get up and whether I need cover on an evening. That keeps me levelled. However, if I am doing something specific I sometimes start with 20 mg and then follow with the 10mg doses.

Each dose lasts me around 3 hours.

To answer your question – the first day felt great. I experienced a clarity that I had never experienced before but have never experienced since.

I sometimes wonder if the Ritalin is actually doing anything for me and I have toyed with the idea of trying other meds.

However, I think the effects are very subtle and I certainly notice it when I don’t take it. The main thing it does is calm my mind so I am not being pulled every which way all the time. It helps me to lead my life but it doesn’t lead it for me. In other words it slows me down enough that I can make decisions – those decisions might be as simple as limiting my distractions or thinking before I speak.

I played with the dose until I found the lowest dose to work and not give me side effects. On balance I think it helps me, but don’t expect a miracle ‘cure’ and be prepared to experiment with doses (within safety limits of course). Although I was diagnosed as inattentive, I still have a lot of impulsive and some hyperactive stuff going on and it’s those elements it seems to control. But everyone is different.

Don’t be scared of it and take it for a while and then give yourself a break for a few days and see if you notice the difference. If you don’t then it may not be the med for you. It took me a few months to feel settled with it and realise that actually it is working.

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[Saffron]

Cheers, Scattybird. That was a brilliant, passionate wellspring of a rant, and I got a great deal out of reading it.

Some of us just smolder bitterly along, inviting our immune systems to take the fall. We forcibly suppress ourselves to get by, which robs us of much of life’s joy, and we limp inwardly from our failures, afraid to go in the same direction twice.

How awesome is it that we have this forum to bellow in and be heard and understood? Like Tiddler, I might follow your example.

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[Scattybird]

Thanks Saffron. I know what you mean about internalizing stuff. I did that for several years – until the other day in fact. Quite random really.

Have a good rant here – when you really feel the time is right then just blast it out. It’s not good for you to internalize forever.

I agree it is awesome to have this forum. It’s the only place I know where I can really be myself. It’s a real blessing.

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[quizzical]

I love this thread! Scattybird, thanks for starting it. I can really relate to your rant, especially the denial part – it’s been almost a year since my diagnosis and I STILL have those conversations with myself that you describe: “Maybe I’m actually depressed,” etc. The only time I get angry is when I don’t get any validation from others – because I still seem to desperately need it!

I agree that your former co-worker’s comment was just outrageous…as others have said, hurtful and incredibly prejudiced.

So does it sound weird to say that I kind of wish somebody would say to me, “I can totally see that you are ADD.”

Obviously in my ideal world it would be said in a different context than what you went through: I would want it to be said to me by somebody I love, in immediate response to one of my many out-loud doubts, to reassure me that I am on the right treatment path. But of course that rarely happens (my hubby is the lone exception, but since he is the only one who will acknowledge it, he gets tired of having to say it all the time) And maybe if someone really did say “Oh, of course you are,” I wouldn’t actually take it as well as I keep thinking I would. But I sure would like to get out of this recurring state of second-guess.

Bill,

If someone said I’d be unemployable because of my ADHD, I would come back with a stinging rebuke that would singe their hair. Unfortunately, the rebuke would be said in the shower the next day.

SOOOOO TRUE! And so well put! That was my laugh of the day!

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[Anonymous]

Thks Scattybird for your response . I understand this is a “rant” forum, please bear with me. I am new to all this.

Somehow I did expect a “miracle cure” with Ritalin. Today, on my second day of Ritalin I have managed to miraculously go down my entire “to-do-list” (I rarely did 2-3 things done…procrastination,procrastination,procrastination). I will give this med a try. I will be patient. Imagine that : a patient adult with ADD.

I called my psychiatrist regarding this sluggish feeling, she went “oh NO, this rarely happens to a very small percentage of inviduals and only mostly kids”. The Valdoxan (antidepresant that makes you sleep) I took for the first night yesterday gave me the exact opposite effect. I think I am driving my psychiatrist up the wall.

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