So I guess in some way, my teachers were right in saying…..

[Anonymous]

“You aren’t living up to your potential!” The day old phrase. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard teachers, principals, parents, friends, etc. tell me that I’m not living up to my full potential. Well now I’m 20 years old, and I was just diagnosed with ADHD three days ago. I suppose I could have been living up to my potential, had anyone even bothered to take notice in my ‘disorder,’ though I’m hesitant to call it that.

At first I was totally shocked. Then it made sense. Now I’m just downright angry. How could nobody have noticed this!? My therapist and psychologist told me I’m basically a textbook ADHD person, yet no one bothered to look into it. Since grade 5, I didn’t complete my homework, was easily distracted, had high anxiety, low-grade depression… Yet nobody freaking saw it til now? I could have done so much more before now… But I guess I’ll have to embrace this diagnosis and turn my life around..

Anyone else out there a little pissed off at the late catch of this disorder? Grrrr!

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[Patte Rosebank]

Hey, we all go through that!

I was diagnosed in April, at the age of 41, so I’m still learning about it and adjusting. There’s some anger every so often, and regret over all I’ve missed out on, and how much I’ve struggled just to try to function. But it’s also pretty amazing to think of all that I have accomplished, and how much of the good stuff was because (not in spite of) my ADHD.

ADHD is often overlooked in girls, because we’re more likely to be the “inattentive” subtype, rather than the “impulsive” subtype. Girls, who sit quietly embellishing the margins of their books with flowers and other doodles, instead of taking notes in class, just don’t get noticed the way that boys who are bouncing off the walls do.

I know what you mean about university. For me, university was the wrong place, at the wrong time, made worse by the fact that I was only there because my parents had insisted on it, and had insisted on dictating what I should study. High school was a dream. University was a nightmare. So was struggling to fit into the world of office work, including the IT field. When things ended badly, it was a bit of a relief.

It was only when I decided to pursue what felt right to ME, that life became beautiful again. Despite a much lower income, I’m now doing a job I love. I just got my first annual performance review. I scored top marks in all criteria, and got some absolutely wonderful comments. There didn’t really seem to be anything I could improve on. I’ve never gotten such an amazing review in my entire working life!

You’re still very young, and just starting your working life. As you get used to your diagnosis, and learn how to work with it, you’ll discover just how great ADHD can actually be. It’s like a wild horse. Untamed, it’s wild and aggressive and frightening. But if you can tame it, it’s the most incredibly beautiful, powerful thing imaginable.

Now that you know how you got to where you are, you can start planning how to get to where you want to be. It’s an amazing journey!

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[Anonymous]

I understand how you feel, in that someone “should” have caught on earlier. Frustrated, angry, disappointed … the list goes on. On the positive side, you now possess the information you need to move forward and discover how you can make it work FOR you instead of working against you. I am positive that great things are in store for you!

Larynxa is absolutely right – the inattentive subtype is often overlooked because these are the kids who quietly sit in class, falling further and further behind. They are not presenting behaviour problems in the class, and are therefore not the nails that stick up in the bunch, so they simply appear to be ” not living up to their potential”. Our son is in the minority, since most inattentive types are female, so when we first requested an evaluation through the school, our concerns were dismissed. Granted, at that time, we were unaware of the inattentive subtype; we just knew that SOMETHING was going on with this kid and wanted to know what it was.

Reality is that some teachers(and doctors, for that matter) are better than others at helping to identifying this,and/or working with you once the diagnosis has been made. Unfortunately, the “system” is not set up to easily identify those who are at risk of falling through the cracks in this way; despite several requests through different teachers and school administrators (some great, and others not-so-great), it still took several years of advocating on his behalf before we finally got the whole picture. Even when the ADD was first identified, the response we seemed to get was to get him to a paediatrician for a prescription and everything would be OK … if only it were that simple! (See http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=140)

Now that we have the information, we are able to develop strategies on how we can best deal with it, for ourselves, and for our son. Luckily for us, we are able to do this as he is entering high school, but I can’t help wondering what the last few years could have been like if we had been able to get our answers earlier.

Looking forward to hearing how it’s working out for you!

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[Anonymous]

Still figured it out before me. I’m a year older than you.

But yeah, I was a little furious as well at first. Especially since, as a teenager, I told my mother I thought I might have ADD. She laughed and said my ability to focus on video games for hours meant that clearly there was nothing wrong with my attention (shows how little she knows about psychology), but she was a parent and therefore wiser in the ways of the world than I, so I forgot about it (pretty easy for me to do!). It takes a little while, but eventually you realize that what’s done is done.

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[Anonymous]

The anger does go away, as will the regrets and the second guessing about what could have been had I only known then what I know now! Mind you it easy for me to say that now. Had someone suggested this a few months ago that things would get better, I don’t know how much I’d be willing to listen. It was easier to be mad. It may not seem that way, but now that you know, things will get better. Not all at once mind you but they will get there.

I never liked the phrase “You aren’t living up to your potential!”. I know that there are many different ways to measure a persons potential, testing and such but I feel that it removes the indiviual from the equation and puts the focus on the “norm”. What happens if you don’t fall into the category of the “norm”? How can you be measured fairly then? In the end, maybe your potential has to be decided by you. Then you will know if you’re living up to it or not.

Larynax makes a great point, doing what you like makes a huge difference.

Also read Rick’s blog on Love and acceptance.

It’s ok to be mad, it happened to some of us too. Just know that you are amongst friends that understand.

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[Anonymous]

20? Hardly old from my perspective. I’d been telling my doctor for years that I was ADD and all I got was labelled as bipolar and put on the wrong meds. No better but it certainly made me a lot fatter. :o)

I had to stamp my little feet and demand to be sent to another psychiatrist for a diagnosis to confirm my suspicions or confirm the other MDs diagnosis. Instead, I was told that by the next doc that I MUST be bipolar because I talked quickly. Huh? Yes, that was the ‘clue’ this psychiatrist used to confirm the last one’s diagnosis. BTW, he didn’t want to hear why I thought I was ADHD (he told me that flatly when I went to share my thoughts with him). The consult letter he then sent back to my GP stated the same facts. I talked quickly so it was clear I was bipolar and should remain on the other meds. *Grrrr*

So I asked my GP to send me to a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD. She declared she didn’t know how to find one. There was no mechanism to do so and….if I continued on with this vein of thought she would have to sign a Form 1 (??) on me and have me forcibly admitted to hospital. “You don’t want me to do that, now do you? ” At that point I told her I would find a doctor myself even if I had to cross border shop.

Well, it certainly wasn’t hard to find one and he reassured me that he hears a similar tale from others. He also was kind enough to apologize for what I had been through. I told him that wasn’t his job and not to worry about that.

Why weren’t you diagnosed earlier? Hmmm, I’m a teacher and I’ve recognized ADHD in a lot of students that I’ve had over the years when I had them in Grade 1. Did I bring it up with parents? With the ISRC (Inschool Review Commitee) meetings re: each suspected ADHD child? Sure I did. The school staff listen and are open but the parents sure don’t want to hear the message. Most of them become very defensive (understandably so) even when I very gently tip-toed, beat around the bush until I could ease the ADHD idea into a conversation where I felt it would be well received by them. Unfortunately, a large portion of the general public is under the mistaken perception that all teachers want to do is PUT THEIR KIDS ON DANGEROUS DRUGS!!! We’re apparently all out there to turn them into drug addicts!! AND….there is not a single teacher out there who would even suggest ADHD if they were a half-decent and competent teacher. If their kid is having any issues in the classroom the parents know where those problems all initiate! The teacher.

Yes, you’ve hit a sore spot with me! I’ve run around the bush with this same issue this year and even the parent has admitted there is an issue but they had a list of other options they would like to try first. Chiropractors, yoga, meditation, health foods and herbal supplements, and “He just needs to pay attention and TRY HARDER!” were all on her list of I’m going to try these first before considering a doctor who ‘might’ suggest making my kid a drug addict. Yes, I encouraged her to try all of these first if she was most comfortable with these. I even downloaded all the latest info on childhood ADHD from SickKids, etc and gave it to her for her to read at her leisure. But, it is a parent’s right to choose the option they are most comfortable with and I must acquiece to that. I’m pleased she even had ideas that she wanted to try first because that tells me here is parent who does care. (you wouldn’t believe the number of parents who say if he’s having trouble paying attention and achieving that it is ALL MY problem to deal with. NOT theirs.

Was there follow through on her part? Sadly, no. Is her child still struggling? Very much so. The child is probably one of the most ‘severe’ ADHDers I’ve met over the years of teaching. It broke my heart to have to let him flounder after a while since I can’t ignore the rest of the class to save just one. The rest deserve a bit of my time and attention, too. Meds would probably be life-changing for this child but when I get a “No” response to even consider taking them in to a doctor for an ADHD diagnosis I have to step back. Hey, I’m just the teacher. I’m not supposed to be the heavy pushing a diagnosis down a parent’s throat or I’ll be dragged up on the carpet for that.

Is it surprising, unusual, disappointing that you had to wait until you were 20 to be diagnosed? No, no, and yes, but certainly it is not an uncommon story. Once you’ve been around here for a while you’ll find that many ADHD adults are first treated for depression before they are diagnosed as ADD. That’s how long they have struggled with no diagnosis and the consequences of the issues of it. Eventually, the lucky ones get someone who puts all the pieces together and a loud ‘Aha!’ is heard and the root cause of the depression is found. Dispair and depression caused by the struggles created with untreated ADD/ADHD.

You’ll get over the upset and realize everything really is still OK. Now you’ve got the chance to create and learn some of the strategies you can use to speed you happily on your way in life. Knowledge is power!

Enjoy!

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[BAM123]

Count your blessing I am 47 and just dfagnosed. You have your whole life a head of you. We all have had pain becasue of this, but now you know. So after you finish feeling angry about it – which is fine for a while – suck it up and go build a life for yourself!

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[Anonymous]

Sadie, The anger does lessen but it takes time…..it’s been almost a year and I still have angry days. However I’m not always aggitated angry anymore. This website has helped a lot mostly validating my feeling of being misunderstood and knowing I wasn’t Lazy Crazy or Stupid….great book btw.

Lisa SB, if you could give me some advice about school and a son entering jr. high I would greatly appreciate it. Very nervous about because I know he feels similar to all of us about expectations. Any words of wisdom would help.

Good luck everyone…….stay strong……..

“One day at a time Sweet Jesus…” gets me through the day it’s one of my “options to anger” lol

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[Anonymous]

I guess I was lucky. I got over the anger before I found out about ADHD.

By that time I had already gone through more than enough to kill a mere

human and had accepted that I wanted to see how the whole story goes.

I have a feeling that things will get interesting from now on, and in fun ways. ;]

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[Anonymous]

Here’s a link to Rick’s post on Love and Acceptance

http://totallyadd.com/on-love-and-acceptance/

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[Anonymous]

@ Squirrel:

Words of wisdom … Hmmm – no pressure there! However, I will say that “nervous” can be a good thing; forewarned is forearmed, so the more you know, the better prepared you can be for whatever lies ahead.

A couple of things; not knowing where you are in your journey, I don’t want to cover ground you’ve already been over, so I will offer generalizations and if you need clarification, I will happily oblige.

Thoughts:

– Unlike many others in our area, the school that J. attended went from K-8, so there was no transition to middle school. That was a plus for him in that he didn’t need to worry about a whole new environment at the same time that he was dealing with the identification of a learning disability (in addition to the ADD we already knew about). In fact, we moved to a new neighbourhood during this school year, and kept him at the same school until June so that the disruption in his education would be minimized. ADD-inattentive types tend to do well with structures and routines, and we felt that the transition to high school next year (this fall) would be enough of a change. However, now that he will be starting a new school, and will be one of the small fish in the big pond to boot, “transition” is looming large on our calendar for this school year. Find out about any clubs and/or activities that your son may be interested in and encourage him to participate; this can help to ease the transition. And remind him that he’s not alone; every student in his grade is going through the same experience, whether they show it or not.

– Middle school is often the first exposure to class rotations, so the number of teachers typically increases. Don’t assume that by speaking with one, you are speaking to all; make a point of communicating with all teachers who interact with your child, including the guidance department. One of the recommendations in the initial draft of J.’s IEP this year was to implement strategies in English (Language Arts), Math, and Science; we asked that this be extended to include ALL of his classes, because his learning would be just as affected in Art, French, and Phys. Ed.

– Talk to your son about how he’s feeling. One of our first steps was to involve J. as much as we could; even in Gr. 3, when we were going through the initial evaluation, we explained what was happening so that he would be a part of the team. One night, he commented, “Mom, some days I just feel so stupid in class!” He didn’t hear my heart crack open just a little; what he did hear was me telling him that he was one of the smartest kids I know, and that he was most definitely NOT stupid – we just needed to find out “how” his brain works so that we could help it learn.

– If you don’t already have one, speak with your principal and request an IEP (individual education plan), as this will help to lay the groundwork for your son’s success in the coming years. In Ontario, ADD/ADHD on its own does NOT qualify as a learning disability, so it is up to the individual school(s) to recommend an IEP for a student. Please note that not all teachers/administrators are like zsazsa, in that many are under-educated as to identifying and working with ADD in the classroom. Even with the initial assessment in J.’s school record (done through the school board psychologist), we realized that most teachers were unaware of its existence until they contacted us with concerns about his performance. Once they learned about the strategies that were supposed to be implemented, they were pretty good about complying with them.

Even if a formal IEP has not yet been developed, there are still many things that you can do as a parent:

– Take the “team” approach; we have always felt that any child’s success at school is due to a trinity of effective communication between home (parents), school (teacher) and the student. We have taken to calling it “Team J.”, and welcome new teachers to the team each year. They know (or will come to know) what happens in the classroom every day, but it will be up to you to keep teachers in the loop about what’s happening at home. This fall, we will be providing each of his teachers with a letter of introduction to J. so that they know what to expect about his personality, where he needs extra coaching, and our contact information if it is needed.

– Our experience is that students themselves (especially the ADD’ers) often don’t report to parents what’s happening at school (fundraisers, concerts, pizza days, field trips, etc.), so you will need to stay as informed as possible through newsletters. Most schools now have a website, and many are using e-mail to distribute information, so if your school offers this, take advantage and sign up. (And if they don’t, maybe suggest it …) Find out if the teachers use the “MyClass” secure website, which allows them to post assignments and information online; you will be given a password to access the site, and you can download documents that will allow you to review them at home with your child. (Again, if they don’t, perhaps suggest it …) This was an especially useful resource for us, as we were able to see exactly what material was presented in class; this year’s teacher(s) posted all unit notes, assignments and test dates, so we could coach (“remind”) J. on what he needed to be doing in any given week.

Hopefully, some of this will be helpful to you …

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[Anonymous]

(And @ zsazsa …. Man, do I wish that J. had a teacher like you a few years ago ! <sigh> … )

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[Anonymous]

I’m 26! I wish I was diagnosed with add at 20 and about a year ago… I went to the same psychiatrist at my university for about 4 years- the reason I went there was because I couldn’t sit through classes, couldn’t even read for more than a page or focus…Seriously I now have more issues than I ever did when I originally went to the student services and enough to last me 10 lifetimes…maybe more…

I was diagnosed with bipolar, learning disabilities, and so on. After 4 years, told my psychiatrist was dropping out, only than she was like wait a minute have I ever told you that you might have add? No don’t think so..Gave me forms to fill out and decided that I did have add……sooo frustrating

just be glad you didn’t have to draw eyes in different colors/shapes/sizes/forms/ and with as much detail as possible and identify them with emotions that you felt when drawing them or looking at them and how touching the paper made you feel =S..Or had to analyze the paintings in your docs office for 2 session…only to be told that you are afraid of eyes, and that was the reason you had poor communications skill and weren’t really listening to others

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[Anonymous]

Yup…. same here as Bam123.

Also was 47. I knew My entire life I was different than other people and learned in a different way. I then and even more now think of my A.D.H.D not as a disease but a ” Trait” I have now and have always lived with and will have for ever.

I have done very very with this trait as well as being at the Bottom of life also as much as it brought me down it helped me get back up again and start over. Out work others, always be the last one standing, only having two switches ( off or Full speed)

I knew deep down that I must have had it, but it was with the help of my wonderful wife that stood by me at a time when I finally decided to get checked out.

Was I surprised when They told me that I had full blown A.D.H.D. , Heck no!! not at all.

I agree with Larynxa. Your young and I have to think that sooner or later you would have gotten older and realized that you would have figured out at some time that you were different from others.

I have had too many downs in my life also to keep on going. I love living and I love being able to see people laugh. making people laugh has gotten me through a very tough life and the ability to work hard and move up the ladder in anything I do is great.. i just got to a point in my life where i am tired of falling off the top and starting over.

SO !!!! Hence being tested.. and as I say passing the test….. LOL.. Glad i know now. with in days My restless leg movement stopped I lost half of all the voices and chatters in my head, I slowed down my thoughts a little or enough to think a thought all the way through. LOL.

So Sadie1235. Don’t get a attitude or sad or reflective about not anyone else having to make the decision to make you take or get tested. In time you would have figured it out ( and hope not to long), but don’t waste your thoughts on what if’s…. you said it. Now you have to set your energy and time on working on it from here on in.

My Med’s help me see life in a way different way and NOW ( as my WIFE reminds me) it is up to me now to relearn things with in a mind that now goes slower or at least slow enough to keep thoughts in one spot. it is not always good to think at the speed of light… LOL.. I look like a moron trying to talk as fast as my brain. I’m looking down the road to maybe go to a life coach or A.D.H.D coach or some thing.

hang in there Sadie1235. think of it as a good thing.. You know now and it is the “now” that you have to work with.

I wish you all the best, hang in there and be yourself and work with a trait that you now know you have and work with it as it will have to work with you.

Nadroj

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[Anonymous]

Reading back, just made me think.

Like I said before, I went all those years knowing deep down inside that i could not be crazy and true as i did not know why I could not read as fast as others or ever remember what i just read two minutes ago or ever read a full book …. I always knew that i had something….

But I lay the fault ( Blame may be the wrong word) of not asking for help on me. yes i did have one teacher tell my parents when I was in grade six that I was different in a way that we ( at the time ) do not understand ( remember I’m 48 now, so back then i don’t know if there was a A.D.H.D kid on every block.

YES… I mean YES !! it would have been great if my parents would have taken the time to say to them selves that i was acting up for some kind of reason or other.. but they did not.. and or maybe any relative could have told them to get me looked at, but i seemed like a very bright kid with too ( way to much to energy.)

the more i read and with the more i understand, I also had some anger for a little while but I refuse to believe that getting mad at myself or the world not not getting me tested 40 years ago, is a waste of my good thoughts now… IT IS what It iS. and I can not change time ( maybe wish i could change some the things that I said at certain times) but I can not turn back time.

You see, what the outside world saw me do or say was only a quarter of what I was going through on the inside. I had and delt with a whole different world inside my head, and yes as other’s have stated, there may have ben times when i thought I was crazy or something.. but now i see that is just cause I saw and now still see things different from others…. does that make me different??? Heck Ya.. but that is also what makes me, ” ME”!.. LOL

I refuse to blame anyone for not making me deal with it, and I know that someone that has met me in my life must have known I was how i was because of something.

I’m glad my wife stood by me as i went through the diagnosing process, and is here as i try to deal with it. But i know that if i don’t try my hardest to work with it, she will leave me as she holds me responsible for my actions or lack of them and that makes me feel the same way.

Ok,, Ok,, gonna stop typing for now.. seems i may have strayed off the topic or something… LOL.

Take care all.. Enjoy your day and all those around you.

Nadroj

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[Author]

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