The cover letter I'd like to send

[magoo81]

Hey everyone, thought I’d share this. If I don’t get a response from job applications anyway, might as well go all out right?

Dear sir/madam,

Let me first start off by saying how excited I am in being able to apply for this position. I’ve already ran through 60 different scenarios of what life’s like with me there, all in the five minutes since first reading your posting. Thanks for the 20 years of service commemorative watch, by the way. I’ve read the description of the position, and see how I’d be absolutely perfect for it. Not like the last position where I figured I’d be perfect. That one got boring really quick.

Along with this letter, I’m presenting a resume best suited to cover up anomalies in my work history. Do you know how many websites there are that present good ways of forming letters and really nice looking resumes that hide all the bad parts?! I think I got out all the stock content from the copy & paste job I did, so you should see actual experience and a nice variety of euphemisms that should keep up the facade.

And to be honest, this is a position that aligns with my strengths, you’re not looking for a cog in the machine. I’ve always found myself being a square peg trying to fit in a circular hole. Your position is looking pretty square-holed, I am getting the chance to show how creative I can be, and that your environment will allow me to be creative, think outside the box and finally live up to my potential. Holy macaroni, I’ve finally found it. Here, enclosed is my portfolio which has shown… uh, what I’ve done so far not … living up to my potential. Umm, can I just get the job, do amazing things and put that in my portfolio, YOU’LL BE IMPRESSED, and you’d hire me with that good stuff, really! Paging Doctor Brown.

But probably not, eh. Ok, instead here is my portfolio, with a few examples that, when shown in this context, probably don’t show too well. I’d love the chance to explain them and the process and how that seemingly simple image probably took about 14 hours to create. It is a perfect seemingly simple image. Also, when I get to explain things, I’ll get to describe all the things that are like 80% done. They are so amazing, I just can’t really show them to you. Can I come to your office, open up the top of my head and just let it spill all out. It might be a mess, but let me show how non-sequiturs can provide an incredible narrative. A great form of problem-solving, an employable skill that can only be done once employed.

I best end the letter here eventually, and to thank you for the opportunity to apply. Can I subtly ask that for the amount of confidence I had to muster up just to feel qualified to apply be added to the total score? I’ve never doubted my work-ethic, as it can take me twice as long to get some things done. So, lots of work, not afraid of it, obviously.

Plus, get me something I am interested in, and I’ll show you dedication. Unhealthy dedication, almost. Nonetheless, I think this is a place where I can utilize my abilities to their best and I can be an incredible asset, just that I might need a slightly completely different way of doing things. Not like walking backwards on my hands, just a different way to the same result. I’d love for this application to be the time you and I both understand I have ADD, instead of unexplainable mistakes down the line I’ll have trouble learning from.

Thank you very much for your time and now time for the 61st scenario to play out, where nothing happens from this and I wonder where I’ve gone wrong again.

Sincerely,

Mike Maguire

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[nellie]

Well you know, if you shortened it a  bit and took out the mention of ADD you might be on to something 🙂

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[Patte Rosebank]

I find letters (or, to be technical, the “epistolary style”) to be the easiest things to write.

I think it’s because they’re essentially a transcript of one specific person speaking to another specific person (or persons), so I can picture the target audience very clearly.

(This is also the secret of the best TV & radio personalities:  imagine you’re talking to *just one person*…because you are.  All those millions of listeners are each *just one person*.)

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