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The Disease du Jour-trying to be popular!

The Disease du Jour-trying to be popular!2013-09-16T17:41:43+00:00

The Forums Forums Most X-treme! Most Hostile/Ignorant Thing I've Heard The Disease du Jour-trying to be popular!

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  • #121858

    eris
    Member
    Post count: 7

    When I first found out I have ADHD my husband told me that I was just trying to be popular by having the “disease du jour” and that it was “fashionable” to say that you have ADD. Now that both of the boys are diagnosed, he’s not accusing me of making it up anymore. He lacked empathy then, and he still does now. Kudos go to me for keeping my family together in spite of this – it’s not easy.

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    #121869

    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    @eris, I am so sorry to hear your husband isn’t more supportive. But give it time. He may come around.

    When I was first diagnosed ADD was still not really accepted as a real disorder. And my family and friends told me it was an excuse for being lazy. And I have heard that ” everybody has ADD now”  and it’s “the in thing”.

    And they’re not entirely wrong. ADD does tend to get over diagnosed. A lot of doctors don’t really take the time to look at all the possibilities before settling on ADD. But those of us who have it know  best. Only we know what goes on inside our heads. I know I’m lazy, but I am not “just lazy”.

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    #121881

    jojosephine
    Member
    Post count: 62

    That is why I come to this site. My husband has no interest in learning about this.

    he says things like “I don’t understand why you don’t just do it” “you spend so much time doing this, why can’t you do that” “you’re mental”, “you’re pyscho”, “your’e pyschotic” etc..

    my son (who i believed is being improperly assessed for asperger’s-and I would bet my life has ADHD) will be diagnosed. He is only 5. I really hope that when my son is diagnosed he will take an interest and really understand. He has to be on board because I can’t do this alone.

    Everyone thinks I am lazy and have no drive. my mom has always called me lazy.

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    #121884

    kc5jck
    Participant
    Post count: 845

    Unfortunately, you are not alone in having a spouse uninterested in learning about ADHD.  I would bet that half the members of the site have spouses or parents unwilling to spend the time to understand how ADHD affects the sufferer.  So we hear things like “You didn’t forget, you just didn’t want to do it because you don’t care about what is important to me .  .  . yak .  .  . yak .  .  . yak.”  When the truth is that they are the one not caring and not wanting to be bothered.

    Its really strange that the parent or unaffected spouse would not take an interest in what is affecting one or more of their loved ones, especially when all treatment options depend upon their understanding and support.  As a result, we are accused of all sorts of horrible things from stupidity to hatefulness.  But I’m preaching to the choir here.

    I have thought that Rick needs to make a short video about just this problem for viewing by the unaffected family members explaining the importance of getting educated.

    So @Jojosephine, how is the Vyvance working for you?

     

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    #121904

    sdwa
    Participant
    Post count: 363

    I get why people are annoyed by the seemingly fashionable emergence of ADHD. The trends in the therapeutic community, and corresponding marketing of various methods to fix, plus the pop culture analysis, and the over-medication of everyone about everything when, in my opinion, the real problem is that society doesn’t allow people to be who they are. I get it.

    But having listened to so many of the people on this site, and seeing how much we have in common, it’s clear that this is a real thing. I watch my son who also has it, and I see it’s a real thing.

    The stigma is problematic. My son won’t hear anything about it because he’s afraid of the label. And it does look like being “lazy.” No one who knew how I live my life – who saw it and saw my finances and saw my skills vs. my employment – would believe I can’t manage the basics. But I really can’t.  Because if I could – duh! – I’d be doing it. As if I want to live like this.

    The Russell Barkley lectures on YouTube are really informative. He has a couple good ones that are an hour or so long, which I recommend.

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    #126321

    eris
    Member
    Post count: 7

    Thank you, blackdog, for your support. Yes, hubby has come around. He is one of those guys that only believe something if another guy confirms it. I don’t think all men are like this – and I am shocked that he is like this. I would never have married someone who did not value my intelligence.  Our male counselor explained to us that in a long term relationship (28 years) people tend “merge into one” and  treat the spouse like an extension of themselves  (and be as hard on them ). However, being wildly ADHD, there is no merging into one box for me. Not only do I not fit in any box, I cannot even recognize the box!  Yep, not only do I own that, but I think that is what attracted him in the first place. Managing to identify and own my ADHDness and revel in it was part of our answer. How could I expect him to accept and understand what I did not know myself?  I do truly believe that education is the key. I have had to all but open his head with a can opener and stuff the info in, painstakingly bit by bit over time.

    kcjck – I used to think it was b/c he did not care enough to see what I was going through to listen and understand. I don’t think so anymore. It is hard enough for us to identify and dissect all the insidious ways this ADHD can affect us. If we do  not accurately understand and communicate all this confusion (and that is a tall order) how can we expect them to understand and be sensitive to it all. Especially when the pressure to “fix it” for them is so great. No one wants their loved one to be “broken” or compromised to the point of needing medication. I think it is ultimately our responsibility to show them that not only is it OK to be ADHD, but those positive traits of ADHD  are what probably drew them to us in the first place. They have to accept the good with the bad if they are going to stick around.  I think in any relationship we are all ultimately responsible for drawing boundaries and showing up as our best self. No one is perfect – but it’s a damn site easier to show up as our best self when we understand what that is and ask for understanding for the weaknesses b4 they happen and cause problems.

    sdwa – I was diagnosed first and then recognized the symptoms in my adolescent boys who told me that ADHD was a “bullshit diagnosis”. Wow, I thought they would both become doctors! They warmed up to the idea – even to try medication – little by little. They especially liked it when they found out how well accommodations at school would work for them and how they could be more understood and appreciated by teachers. But it took time. My son adored his algebra teacher. On a parent/teacher conference the teacher told me that he never believed in the existence of ADHD until his first identified student went on meds. He was thrilled that he could read his writing for once! Now he still doesn’t  “get it”, but he believes it is real and he abides by accommodations. That is all we can ask for. They may never “get it”,  but they have to accept what we tell them once we figure it all out.

    jojosephine – It has taken a lot of patience (which I painfully have learned) and a lot  of time and effort to bring the whole picture together for our family. Keep on truckin’ Everyone needs to build there own reality,  ADHD or not. The loneliness is only helped by reaching out to our tribe.  I am now so proud to say this is where I belong.

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