The RAGE & blame game

[Anonymous]

I have read & read, I truly understand, I love, I nurture… someone, please, tell me what I should when his triggers go off (huge stress), and the roller coaster hits bottom. Please.

Even though he’s enraged by outside “forces,” he blames me. I’m handy (I guess).

I’ve tried many times & ways for him to learn too by the way. No success.

What do I do to stay sane during his RAGE?

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[Anonymous]

Rage…..really…….you sound distressed at best and frightened at worst!!! I encourage you to seek a counselor, there is no reason to accept abusive behavior….none!! Reach out, seek professional help immediately…..do it now….right now!!!

I can only suggest, another’s anger, rage what ever you wish to label their behavior….is not for you to manage……it is their’s to manage.

Toofat

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[Amy]

I tried posting a link to Amazon for this book before but it always breaks the thread. If you haven’t read it already, I would highly suggest the book “Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?” that will be of help to you for what you describe. It is a great book and resource for partners of someone with ADD/ADHD.

Amy

http://acatwithadhd.com

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[Wgreen]

Toofat is right. A pattern of rage requires professional intervention.

When you come across an explosive device, you don’t look around for instructions, you call the bomb squad.

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[Scattybird]

Hi Wifey – Toofat is exactly right.

Of course we don’t know your circumstances so it is difficult to advise but three things came into my mind when I read your post and these were:

1) Nobody should have to tolerate someone else’s rage. Rage sounds to me like something out of control rather than just a hissy fit or plain anger. Rage sounds horrible and potentially frightening to live with.

2) Rage is serious and if you feel in any danger then you must do what you can to protect yourself. If he has ever been violent then you must seek help. Violent partners do not tend to improve no matter how sorry they are when the rage dies down.

3) This may seem trivial but I notice you have named yourself ‘Wifey’. Now I might be reading FAR too much into this and it might have a completely different meaning in different parts of the world….but where I come from it’s not a great term for ‘the wife’, ‘her indoors’ or any other less than good phrase that is sometimes used. So, is that a coincidence or is that how you see yourself in your relationship? Apologies if my ‘amateur psychology lack of knowledge and insight mind’ is on completely the wrong track. But in case it isn’t then you must remember you are as important as him in your relationship. How about changing your name to something empowering and bold and confident? You may not feel it but…

It seems to me that you have tried to help him and I think he needs professional anger management counselling.

If he has ADHD then the medications available help with anger management but he needs to take responsibility and get help.

So, if you are in danger then please seek protection. If you are not in danger then fine, you need to try to make him see that he needs counselling.

You clearly love this man which us why you need to be strong and see past that, especially if he has ever made you feel scared.

I am aware you asked us how YOU can deal with his rage. The answer is I don’t know but also you shouldn’t need to.

Good luck.

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[foogol]

although i agree with toofat.. scattybird brings up a good point ‘ don’t know your circumstances ‘ .. i for one; ask that you define rage?

i’ve conversed with many whom confused rage with upset or angry, not to say this is you.. a more elaborate explanation ” for me” is necessary to give a competent response or opinion.. i look forward to your next post..

best of luck

-foogol

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[kc5jck]

The above advice is certainly good and I agree with it, but it seems to sidestep your original question of “How do I stay sane.”

Realize that although the rage may be directed at you, it is not about you. Although he may blame you, it is not your fault. Try to remain calm, listen, it may be that anything you say to defuse the situation may only make it worse. Do not respond in kind, if things get too bad, WALK AWAY.

Consider that he may be borderline personality disorder. Read about BPD. If he is, there is a support group for BPD @ <http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php&gt; There is also a book “Stop walking on eggshells” that may be of help.

I and the members posted above view your situation quite seriously in that the tone of your post seems to indicate a situation beyond the realm of ADHD and could be potentially dangerous not only physically, but also to you mental and emotional health.

I hope somewhere in all of these responses you find something useful. Let us know what happens, please feel free to elaborate on your situation and ask for more advice. Let us know what happens. Otherwise, we’ll be in suspense for the rest of our ADD lives and we have enough distractions already.

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[Anonymous]

I agree with all and sundry on this one

If there was ever a reason to have IM or Email on this site, then this is most definitly it…

Pete x

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[Tiddler]

Wifey, you sound like you’re going through a very difficult time.

The ADHD can cause impulsive behaviour, can exaggerate strong emotions (including anger) and can make it difficult to make the right choices sometimes.

It doesn’t cause domestic violence.

If that is what you are experiencing, you need urgent help to get through it.

I’m not sure how extreme your situation is and I don’t know what is available in your country support wise as I don’t know where you are, but do post again to let us all know how you are.

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[JimC.]

@ Wifey: if the books I’ve read are right, and I think they are, then he is responsible for his behaviour, ADHD or not. Blame is abuse, verbal abuse, and is as damaging as physical abuse. Perhaps even more so.

I don’t know how to correct this issue, but I do know you can’t live with it forever; seek help so he can “own” his rage and recognize his triggers.

Good luck, and FWIW it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, just slightly misdirected. Jim

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[Anonymous]

Yes, yes, and yes, agreed…..there you have it….from ADD people. ADD doesn’t cause domestic violence…..there are possibly/likely other issues there. As I mentioned I would get to a counselor right away, immediately…..with or without your partner. If $$$ are an issue, or distance, or whatever, a local Clergy person (of any denomination) will likely assist you, at “no charge”!! I’m the farthest thing from a religious person but typically Clergy are schooled and trained counselors and can and will certainly provide persons in need “shelter from the storm”.

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

Wow, all.. huge huge thanks. My gratitude abounds for all. I would (and will) find the right time and place to discuss this further. You folks are the best help I’ve come across.

Tiddler hit it best. It is not physical violence. He hurts himself even more than I (emotionally). For today he has settled into a good place and is, wow, working on the things that he needs to get to. However far it gets (or doesn’t) is fine. I truly do understand.

Yes, we both need more help. A therapist started steering me in the right direction last year. Since I’ve read “Scattered” by Gabor Mate. Excellent. That book describes so very much. Same age, nearly the same circumstances as the author. Thanks also goes to Rick (“ADD Stole My Car Keys”).

More when I can. Today is calm. Again.

I just wish there were a spouse’s manual. LOL.

Bless all of you, you all have brought precious tears of joy into my heart. Many many many thanks.

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[Robbo]

LOTs of excellent help here already. Notes for when ya come back. I too have had a strong reaction to the four letter word in capital letters.

RAGE,

for people who feel so very deeply, it looks like doom on my screen. It’s a painful kind of fear some of us feel. We know rage, we know fear. They’re kissin cousins.

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it is taking place”

-some smart person, can’t member thu name.

I just say

Yeah! team totallyADD. We Rock! this place is a love fest of a web site. Imagine what we could do if we had eye contact, body language, tone of voice. Complete n whole communications.

We fill in the blanks as human beings do. Sometimes with our own fears…

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it is taking place”

-some smart person, can’t member thu name. (worth repeating)

And what Pete said too. IMAGINE! That could go either way…

new member

As you describe your husband, your self, and his rage. I’m reminded of lyrics by Jimi Hendrix, a few different songs. The power we give ourselves and each-other. That may or may not belong there.

“Well I stand up next to a mountain, chop it down with the edge of my hand.

Pick up all the pieces and make an Island, might even pray for a little sand”

“Manic depression, it’s a full straight in mess”

“Love can’t stop a Voodoo Child”

All this being said, there is always hope for any relationship. Nearly all human problems can be solved, tragedy avoided. Love re-discovered. Unity and lasting companionship held on to.

Please keep soaking in the help that is on the way, at home and here.

Please keep coming back here, people care, some of us are going through the same stuff at the same time.

We want to know you and your husband are okay.

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[Scattybird]

Hi Wifey – thanks for posting again.

As you can see from the responses we all covered as many bases as possible …..just in case. It was difficult to tell from your first post how bad your situation is. It still is.

I am glad Tiddler’s response resonated with you. You might also find the book that Amy recommended useful. But it still sounds as if he has issues other than/in addition to ADHD. Only you know your situation.

It isn’t healthy for either of you to tolerate daily emotional pain so please get more help. Even if he isn’t directly inflicting emotional pain onto you, you are suffering because of his emotional pain.

As you have seen, we are a caring bunch here so please post again if you need more help, or need to just ‘talk’ as a means of getting stuff off your chest. We all go through ups and downs here and you’ll see that in our posts and because we all understand albeit to different degrees depending on our own experiences, it’s a good forum to be part of.

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[JimC.]

@ Wifey: here’s a manual of sorts for you: The ADHD Effect on Marriage – Understand and Rebuild your Relationship in Six Steps. – Melissa Orlov. Cheap at amazon dot com

Tried to post a link but the site will not accept it.

Jim

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[Author]

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