The struggle to maintain friendships…

[allan wallace]

I hope that I haven’t made too much of a pest of myself. Having just joined the forum today I’ve made a barrage of posts, and now I’m taking the liberty of starting a new thread :oops:….anyway, have many of you struggled to remain in contact with old friends? For me it is particularly difficult as I do move around a lot and often lose phone numbers, addresses etc. I also have had a history of just not contacting people for a long time, and then just popping up out of the blue and expecting them to just pick up where we left off. The older that I have got, the more difficult it has been to present a facade of ‘normality’, and now that I’m in my mid 40’s my immaturity and irresponsibility have conspired to make me even more reclusive than I generally am. After discovering that the internet can provide some semblance of social interaction I’ve been more inclined to seek my contact with others in cyberworld as it’s far less confronting than meeting people, and takes much less effort. I have never enjoyed socialising, and I suppose I just became accustomed to instinctively head for a corner and keep out of the way of the stentorian social types…whenever I showed indifference to people that aloofness only exacerbated my difficulties, so I do regret not nurturing some great friendships that I have allowed to just fizzle out through laziness and neglect. Another challenge is keeping my mouth shut when around people that I don’t know well for I have the ability to grievously offend complete strangers. As soon as I’ve realised that what I’d said or done had registered on The Richter Scale I’d be compelled to stick around and defend my idiocy…’if only I hadn’t said’ that will be my epitaph….

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[Geoduck]

Wow. I thought that was being a military brat. You know, though, I guess this could be one for ADHD, too. Well, the first half.

The second half is what made me start taking my ADHD seriously. I’d get nervous with people, find I’m talking their ear off, in order to make conversation, then totally say something rude and inappropriate, because when my mouth is going, the filter, which isn’t there in the first place, isn’t working at all. I need a warning label on my forehead.

However, there’s a reason facebook is popular. In today’s world, it’s much easier to sit and chat with long lost friends, than it is to pen a letter, find the envelope, stick a stamp on it, and mail something…

which reminds me, I think there are about 3 things I need to mail off…crud!

Anyway, yeah, some of that is ADHD, some of it is just the ease of social interactions in cyberspace. You don’t have to be ADHD to appreciate that.

I find that as long as I haven’t done something with someone that I need to apologize for, I can pick up where I left off with them. In some cases, I’m closer to my friends than I was in real life. Weird how that works. Age helps, too, I suppose.

However, if there is something left unstated between you and your long lost friend, if it’s worth bringing up (because there is a lot of little stuff better to let go than to bring up), that’s when it’s a problem. Otherwise, go with the flow.

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[allan wallace]

Oh, there’s too many friends that have been neglected for so long that I shan’t bother…I just don’t want to keep repeating the pattern. They say that kids can grow out of ADD, is there any hope of adults growing out of ADHD?

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[kc5jck]

Adults, if they live long enough, grow back into kids. 😆

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[Tiddler]

That sounds just about perfect, kc.

Yes, I’ve let some dear friends slide away through losing phonenumbers, failing to return calls etc etc etc.

On the other hand, I’ve allowed some pretty toxic people to stay in my life at times, because I didn’t have the confidence to step away and risk hurting their feelings, regardless of how I was feeling.

I’m stronger now, and generally better at spending time with the people I want to be with and avoiding those I don’t.

Cyber space helps a LOT.

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[trashman]

Very well said, Tiddler. I love getting to know people on line. I wish we had a message system here.

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[Tiddler]

Me too.

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[allan wallace]

Greetings and salutations people! Do many people come here? I know that I’ve got a bit carried away posting too much, and might have scared people away, but I’ve felt like I’m talking to myself a bit here. Is it worth hanging around?

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[Anonymous]

Stay. Talk all you like. I drop by often and catch up with the latest threads.

I hate it when there it’s nothing new to read. I don’t think I am unusual in that on this forum

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[Robbo]

Please feel free to stick around and be yourself Allan. First of all, we can relate to a lot of what you say. We just don’t always remember that you can’t read our minds and don’t actually write that. You fit here. Starting this thread in particular is helpful because it’s one of the larger issues we all face.

<<“Very well said, Tiddler. I love getting to know people on line. I wish we had a message system here>>” Thanks Trashman, I agree about at least giving us the ability to have friendships with each other (PM’s). If I look at this with negative eyes. It seems like a control issue. In fact, even without negative eyes. Just plain old honesty. I think it is!!! a control issue. I even feel a little bit neglected.

The solution!

I’ve had this idea for a while now. We plan on posting our email address at a particular time. Post it for about one minute, then before anyone else posts anything, hit edit and remove the email address. Then confirm the friend we want to give it to has written it down. Or copy paste… wut ever.

Or

To avoid web bots getting our address and selling it to spamertizing agencies. We can post our email address in separate parts and pieces. The first part of mine is mrfunnybo now, the next time I write in this thread, I’ll write the second half. Presto!.. the disadvantage of the 2nd idea…. Hmmm. actually I can’t think of one. 99.9% of the people here are good people. So it’s not a risk giving my email address, huh?

Oh dang, I forgot to talk about the topic! LOL. After I think about the email idea a while, I’ll post again and actually talk about my friend keeping/finding troubles.

PS, RATS! I missed the ending of the Raiders game… grrrr. it was 31 to 31 and less than 2 minutes left. does anyone know if they won? What a total ADHD kind of brain fart, huh? They always squeeze in a few extra commercials in this kind of situation. So of course I just tune out…

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[Robbo]

It’s amazing how difficult is has become even now. After almost a year of working at dealing with ADHD. All I’ve done that can be considered progress is to let go of the friendships that I was very sure did not have a future. Just plain un-realistic. Now I need the patience to wait until those rare folks we eventually meet that I will be able to build a friendship with. Here’s the rest of my ema il addy ne97 AT rocketmail DOT com I guess there’s a little bit of risk. Ya never really know about people, huh? We’re polite here, and I’m very confident that…. hmmm. I’m really not all that confident. Too many times in the past I’ve built what felt like really good friendships with people. Only to find out they were CREEPS!… I think I just have to remember that I’m older and much wiser than I used to be. So I still have to employ some amount of courage in finding decent friends. It’s a little crazy, I’ve enjoyed risk so very much in my life in sports related adventures. But I guess relationships with people. As opposed to waves, or mountains on two wheels etc. Much more complex.

I wish I had some answers to share with you guys. I really do. All I have to say is try to stay positive… Be the friend I’m in search of. I was thinking about how my own spirituality has a role in this, so I remembered a great thing someone else wrote on another thread. That was “Be the change you want to see in the world” (I think it was better than my quote). I meant to write it down. Darn it… Close enough, huh?, I just modified it. The result of both is a better world, a better life.

Peace

9-23-12

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[allan wallace]

Well, first of all thanks for not telling me to make sure that the door’s closed on my way out ….oh and I have two email addy’s: harlequinwallace@gmail.com and luvtadream@yahoo.com.au if anybody feels inclined to drop me a line or two….

I’m literally just beginning this trip to discover what ADHD is all about. Even I have reached the point of being utterly fed up with my chronic procrastination, irresponsibility, magnetic attraction to trouble, perceived aloofness, ability to upset other people, and they’re just my good points! Just kidding, obviously there are more but it becomes tedious repeating them ad nauseum. I have never had motivation or ambition either. Why? I don’t know, but I’d like to know, and I’d like to be able to rectify all of my shortcomings…gawd, where does one start????? I have a form of ‘paralysis’ for I just seem to sit around and think too much without ever actually doing very much. Doing nothing if I’m honest. I can’t stand it anymore, or justify it to myself. Even though I’m often told how useless and spazzy I am, I know that deep down I’m not half as stupid as people think I am….even though I was a high school dropout, when I was in my mid 30’s I sat a test to get into University. My wife had a friend at the time who was preparing for the test as well and as she did a lot of prepatory study, including a semester of refresher studies, the look in her eyes blazed with cruel triumphant malice when I said that I’d just take my chances on the day as she anticipated yet another glorious failure for the source of her friend’s (my wife) perpetual miseries….when I got my results I didn’t have to wait very long to see her friend hoping to rub my nose in her success, but my oh my, wouldn’t you know it, I not only got a much better overall mark than her without any prepatory work, I got into the top 5% for English which was her proclaimed strength! I resisted the temptation to gloat or thump my chest, and actually felt sorry for her as she couldn’t conceal her shock. She even demanded to see the piece of paper for herself in case I was lying! She was crestfallen as she’d been well and truly gazzumped by a village idiot…. 😆

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[kc5jck]

I love stories with happy endings!!!

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[Misswho23]

Goes to show we are not stupid people.

Allan Wallace – Glad your here welcome aboard. I’ve read a few of your posts. I too really bashed myself for a lot of shortcomings. It takes some time but I hope you will start to get more in touch with the good parts of yourself. I know after being diagnosed at first I was excited about an answer then I just got really pissed off for several months. Then it got better. And it’s getting easier thanks to a lot of insight form the people on this site sharing their struggles and good stuff as well.

I’m really jumping around the forums tonight. Better go to sleep now. New job in the morning to go to.

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[allan wallace]

Hiya Missy! Thanks very much! I’ve read several of your posts too, and I reckon that you’re a real hoot! Geddit? *boom boom*

<runs away>

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