TONS AND TONS TO SAY!!!!!!

[Strawman]

Hi everyone! I became a member today and am excited ( I think). And, I have a lot to say. I now know! I now know why and feel I can actually do something about it! And…….I am mixed with sadness and joy. I began today by sending the following explanation of myself in an email to family and friends, just finally letting it all out and leading them here for information. I have a lot to say and you all get to witness the opening of it. This site helped me get to here, and without it, I would still be going at it alone. Hopefully my pain and joy, can help someone needing to do the same. I look forward to taking in every bit of this site and time spent with other members learning and sharing.

Today everyone, is a really really good day, though I am pretty emotionally exhausted at this point of it. HA Thank you very much Totally ADD! Thanks for a place to go, so I can regain control of a life I really do love! So then, here what they all got. LOL

ps I said I have a lot to say!

Take some time and watch a few of the other videos on the site. I, a few years ago, began trying desperately to figure out things in my world that just didn’t make sense. Things I battled with constantly and take constant focus to keep in check if I was able to at all. Things that seemingly the world around me handle without thought. Organization, attention to detail, confusion of others reactions towards me, and the way I just get spun up by it all, being a few. Quite honestly, I have felt at battle with myself and the entire world for years and years. When I say with the world, mostly I mean that in regard to battling its normal ups and downs, understanding myself, and putting a sense of harmony between the two. Within myself, to hide what I could while I feverishly beat myself around trying thing after thing, until I found “my” peace in it all. This entire economy, having to battle/will a small business into existence during the worst market since I was losing my job and there were NONE to be found, the past difficulties I have faced, how this all has affected my relationship with my daughter family and friends, and, and, and, has basically taken me to a decision that I can not take it this way any longer. I am opening myself up, getting some of the what’s ands whys of me out there, and truly letting go of damage it has done. I have three close friend’s, that have hung in there when others have not, or for their own reasons felt need to keep distance (which I can understand at times). They are helping dig thru some of my disorganization and getting order to what’s been building up on me again. I often battle thru much on my own, but then quickly fall right back and struggle to regain control. This time, the organization, business plan, and most importantly the life plan are going to be completed. Not just a band-aid, fully completed and put to rest, or organized with work to be done w/checks in place to ensure they stay that way. The pattern that is consistent in my life is……. When battling, I become extremely reclusive, shut down as much as possible around me, and dig deep and tear at myself as to why I am at that point (again). Which in turn ends up kicking me back into the mode of taking on the entire world and doing it in a fraction of time. I dig deep, fire myself back out there determined that I can get it done. When I do hit on all cylinders, the world around me has very little chance. I can conjure up ideas, plans, and put validity to any goal or problem, accomplish amazing amounts of work in little time, take on and do things I know little about and have never done. I do it all on vision in my mind. I run every and any little detail thru everything I have in me, factor risk vs reward (which leans towards reward when you feel the world is at your fingertips and risk when it has you by the grip), see the “path” visually in my mind and then go out and get to getting it done. Which, of course usually means taking on even more than I had when I started in the first place. Then in keeping with pattern, I start hitting the road blocks, losing organization, becoming frustrated with knowing and seeing the formula and losing my grip on it. Become overloaded with negative reactions of those around me and become weighted with those who see my short comings as a character flaw when in fact it’s something much, much deeper. I am one that is so aware of everything and everyone around him, that somehow he gets lost inside himself and off track. He takes everything in, steps back and then go’s inside and shuts it all down again. Rebuilds it, and then gets at it all over again. Three forward and two back, five forward and six back, one forward and one back, six forward and four back is a pretty good visual. So, I do have ADHD and it’s at the high spectrum. It includes all of the defining factors , which have more than occasional negative effect in my life. It is not a self diagnosis and you will quickly agree in your learning of its presence. If you were to become diligent and do research (in depth. Not look at the society view and brush the surface) you will see it everywhere in me when you scan your mind thru our past. Also you will see that there is so, so much more involved and how its effects can cripple and hold a persons success at bay. The surface view of it and me falls way short. Had I truly dug into the depths of it sooner and accepted it, I would have understood myself better. I would have better understood; feelings aren’t always fact and can often be bi-products of something else, some thing’s just plain take time, to much pressure creates excess anxiety when the impairments of anxiety in ADHD are already difficult to manage, people often do not understand me and in turn I close down, I get frustrated, or keep at it till I “feel” they do understand. In turn, this sets the stage for tension on both ends and from there the stage is set for escalation. Whether it be just walking away, staying to try and battle it out, just giving up and letting the situation go un-addressed till it surfaces again, saying enough is enough and giving up on each other, or getting angry; all are escalations. Over the next few days (ok, in the near future to eliminate falling short) I will be sharing some things with you only, as this email is going out to others as well. I am going to eliminate the tensions in areas that I can. Let everything be done that has been done, and throw away anything else. I need to hammer out some things, put the load down, and leave it where it is. Empty the recycle bin, and utilize everything inside of me differently and do it without the clutter of the rest. If there is one thing common in this world all can agree on, there is always something more there than what you are seeing. Always.

Steve

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