Utterly sick of being this way

[FirstNations]

It’s so difficult to see other people effortlessly ‘getting along’ and feeling left out of everything. When I do manage to find myself included the experience is ruined by the anxiety of not knowing how to relate and the inevitability of my doing or saying something wrong, inappropriate or alienating should I decide to try and interact. I go into every social interaction knowing that for whatever reason, the cards are stacked against me. Even should chance favor me briefly, I will inevitably do or say something that will screw things up. I don’t make friends. I tried to turn my kids into friends out of sheer lonliness and screwed up both those relationships spectacularly and permanently. I push away the people who make friendly overtures to me, people I really do want to make friends with, because I know that because of the way I am that things won’t end up well. Lonliness is better than being hated.

On the other hand, I can be the most interesting, entertaining, funny person you’ll ever meet. Like a stand-up routine or a one-woman show. The problem is that person gets tiresome real fast. That person is not welcome at, say, funerals, or on the job. Also,it attracts the kind of people who expect you to be entertaining and funny all the time and absolutely nothing more, and who reject you like garbage when you won’t put on a show for them.

I am so incredibly tired of being me. Just so incredibly tired of being an outcast, and afraid, and lonely. I am tired of not being able to hold a job, of the isolation, the fear, the anger and the introversion. I am tired of being the kind of person who attracts other dysfunctional people, particularly bullies, psychotics, and users. If there were such a thing as the Freak Society (like the Audobon Society) I could provide them with volumes of data about the habits, migration patterns and habits of the evil, bats%& crazy people who’ve been drawn in by my gravitational freak-field. It’s been horrible.

I grew up fully believing that I’d end up being a homeless person. This is no way for a little kid to feel. This kind of hopelessness is no way for anyone to feel. I’ve come very close to it twice in my life. I’ve actually lived on Skid Row. I’ve been on Welfare. As it stands, if I weren’t married, I would be a homeless person, or a suicide. My husband is in declining health, and I am scared to death that my husband will die – the only person that was ever good to me, the only reason I have any kind of life at all – and I’ll be left alone with no skills and no friends and no family…because thats exactly what would happen. I can’t support myself. My family hates me. I am so easily overwhelmed with everyday life that extraordinary events completely undo me…and to me, most of them are ‘extraordinary’.

I am in therapy. I am slated for medication. My life isn’t totally, 100% shit. But right now, summing up 52 years of living like this, what I’ve written is exactly how I feel about having this fucking disorder. It’s poisoned my entire life and all my interactions. I do not consider it a gift, I do not consider any part of it as being ‘fun’ or ‘beneficial’ because it hasn’t been. I’m going through the Kubler-Ross stages here, and right now I’m in rage, kids. I hate this. I hate being this way. And that’s all I have to say about that.

How’s your day been?

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[smiliest]

Awww…

I am sorry you are having a tough day. I’ve been there. Usually more sad and self-loathing… although I do get my rage blasts too.

I think when you are feeling better, you might appreciate some of your positive attributes… maybe you should sign up for a stand-up comedy night!

Anyway- hang in there. I have no good advice. but I understand. Hugs.

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[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, too, that you’re feeling so down, but I understand it too, and i’m glad you’re seeing a doctor and are going to get some medication–that, alone, is a reason to hope.. I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like you might have more than ADD going on. One of my kids has Aspergers and she has faced many of the same problems you have with friends taking advantage of her, etc. Please don’t give up! You are getting help now and I bet things will improve for you, soon. Keep writing and let the rest of us know how you are doing.

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[shutterbug55]

Hi FirstNations,

I am glad you are getting diagnosed. I know at this point in your journey, it doesn’t look like it, but it gets better. You will have good days and bad days. When it happens, you will know why. Keep learning, keep asking questions, and keep working and the good days will outnumber the bad ones.

Your post summed up the first 56 years of my life.

I am so sorry you are feeling so down.

Hang in there.

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[Scattybird]

Hi FirstNations – you are among friends on this forum. Most of us here have experienced some aspect of what you are going through so please read as many of the posts as you can here and you may feel you have friends here.

It’s horrible feeling so low. Try to get onto medication as soon as possible. I found that helped me with my impulsive comments that would sometimes be inappropriate and make people flinch a bit! Not good at work! The meds give me time to check my words. They might help you. Stick with the therapy too.

I find when I am with people that if I let them do most of the talking they seem happy and I am less likely to offend. On the other hand, you need to be yourself.

As the others have said ‘hang in there’ and we are always here if you want to chat more.

Good luck.

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[Robbo]

Welcome FirstNations,

I so hope you find the help I have found here. I found it by spending endless hours reading, watching the video’s, and reading the blogs.

I’m better now, but there seems to always be new challenges on this path of life we’re all stuck on. I can promise you there is hope. Life will get better with some honesty, open mindedness, and willingness to follow a lot of the directions here. And follow the links to the rest of the Internet. Also bring the info from here into your life and really live in the solution.

Find a place to share the positive things you find here, and share them. That’s the key to my happiness.

Good luck, you are definitely not alone in your loneliness. There’s litterally thousands of folks that have come across these pages here at totallyadd and other ADHD web site communities that feel exactly like you. Please believe me.

You are not alone. And you don’t have to suffer this same pain any more. You have found the solution. You are on the right track.

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[Tiddler]

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

Have you told your therapist how you’re feeling? Being worried about your husband’s health is compounded when they do so much for us so I understand your fears. Do tell your therapist too. I think it’s not unusual to feel a bit worse for a while before therapy really starts helping.

Also – the rage phase – I raged too, long and hard. I think there’s probably a bit more in me and, if it gets prodded, it’ll be back. But for now I seem to have come through the other side and you will too.

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[Di_b_home]

I agree with tiddler (and the others). Therapy can make you feel worse to start with, as saying out loud how you did not fit in (and more!) and felt as though you were deliberately self-sabotaging for years can make you feel pretty desperate. And I have had to accept anxiety meds to deal with that, which is frustrating, because the associated tiredness and edge off the only thing that drives my focus plays havoc with my progress (postgrad studies, what was I thinking!?). But somewhere the sense of humour can come back to be helpful, not just as a defence (and because you are naturally witty which can be a blessing and a curse!) – my dad died young, sadly, but I can recognise things about him that now make sense – always laughing at his own jokes because “I didn’t know I was going to say that”. But I’d still rather be me than most other people, and I am glad that even though I am over 50 I finally have an explanation for my oddness.

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[Anonymous]

@FirstNations,

Your post really moved me. I just had to write you. You summed up the first 43 years of my life so well. Meds (Concerta) did wonders for me (2 years now) and so does this forum. The fact you can write so precisely about this ordeal means you’re on your way to recovery, one day at the time. You’re a beautiful and creative person, full of potential, just a bit (or a lot) misunderstood. Like everybody said here, we understand you more than you know. We’ve been through it too. I’ve always wondered if we were born with a homeless mind, unable to settle down. We’re all hurting, doubting and raging, but we’ve one thing in common : we’re survivors. Hang on and keep us posted.

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[Anonymous]

Please post again, FirstNations. We really would like to know how you are doing.

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[Anonymous]

@ Nations

We as a species are not adapted for the scale on which modern life revolves around.

Scale things down a little, put your energy and “you time” into, something that makes YOU happy. Photography, walks, poem, cooking, fashion, comedy etc.

Forget the doubt and the rage. Find your own peace and EVERYTHING else will fall into place. People with gravitate to you. Possibly will open up and new chapters will be scribed.

I honestly have been through the mill and out the other side, felt the machine try to crush my bones and the currents smash at me. I promise, find your peace, let things just go >>> Our time is short and you are precious.

Pete x

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[FirstNations]

All of you are wonderful and I thank you so very much for your words.

I posted that six days ago, on the eve of getting my first ever perscription for Adderal filled.

Six days later I find that I still feel the same way about having ADD. It’s held me back, ruined most of my interpersonal transactions, and relegated me to the subcultural margins of society. I’ve spent so much time coping with this and catering to the limitations that it imposed on me that I was never able to function in a way that moved me past simply surviving.

Now, six days later, taking 10 mg. of Adderal, I am experiencing a quality of focus – sheer, simple focus – that is making it possible for all the work I’ve done in therapy up until this point finally ‘take’ at something like a normal rate of change. Before, any given event would trigger so many processes at once that I had to struggle to get to the result I knew was there, and then struggle to hold on to it; something I think everyone here probably knows about. A ‘normal’ mind could be represented as a flow chart. Mine, up until six days ago, could be represented by a hamster Habitrail full of hummingbirds in constant molecular passage through a Rube Goldberg cartoon.

The change it’s made in my mental processes is pervase, and also very subtle. Thinking used to be like trying to play six Tetris games at once. Now, events simply drop into place and context. Now, theres so much…space. At every turn I note the point at which all the coping strategies would have come into play, and it makes me hesitate for just a moment.

Learning to trust that I can now simply move from a to b without that constant mental ‘pachinko’ effect happening is going to be interesting. For now, its just really, really WEIRD. Not unpleasant. HELL NO not unpleasant! It’s fantastic!

I am so glad this place exists. Thank you everyone.

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[Anonymous]

I’m excited for you, FirstNations. I can only imagine the pain you’ve felt. Its very encouraging to hear that things are looking up for you.

“Before, any given event would trigger so many processes at once that I had to struggle to get to the result I knew was there, and then struggle to hold on to it; something I think everyone here probably knows about. …Thinking used to be like trying to play six Tetris games at once. Now, events simply drop into place and context. Now, theres so much…space. “

Wow. That must feel so good. I wanna get there. I can’t even fathom that right now.

I hope things get even better for you.

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[Scattybird]

FirstNations – I love your descriptions of how it feels before and after meds. You are right – things seems to drop into place.

I am pleased the meds are working for you. Look forward now.

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[Tiddler]

I’m just thrilled for you and I love your description of being on the meds. I’m new to them too – less than a month – and I feel the same.

I felt like I’d spent my life in a thunderstorm and I’d finally found a way of putting an umbrella up.

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