Well, here we go, I guess…

[Anonymous]

So yeah.

I guess I’m just posting this here because it makes it a little less upsetting to not just hold it inside. Carry it alone, as it were.

I had Tivoed ADD And Loving It?!, sort of randomly, and was passively watching it Sunday morning while I was having coffee and while my wife was working on something in the same room. About half-way into it, everything got really quiet. I wasn’t looking at her, but she was dead-still and there wasn’t anything passive about it anymore. I forget at which part I turned it off, but usually I could sort of just slip off and go get into some project and she’d never even notice, but when I arrived in the kitchen where I was gonna cry privately, she was three steps behind me.

I mean, dude, it was just that line after line of that show was talking about me. Like the whole freakin show was a documentary about my personal life. I’m sorry for the language, but it scared the livin’ shit out of me. My wife shows up right there, and asks me if I’m ok. She never says that. Ok, that’s not true, not never, but I mean, she would usually be saying “Let’s not jump to any conclusions” or something rational like that when I go off on a tangient, but this time she was just staring at me. I swear it was like I was at a freakin intervention. Instead of trying to sell her on the idea like I would usually do, like if I just thought we desperately needed to go SCUBA diving immediately, I actually asked her, THE original “Mrs. Rational”, you know, in a totally passive, offhanded, kinda casual way: “You know that show I was just watching?… do you see me with ‘some’ of those characteristics?…”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Maybe a lot of them?”

Her. “Yes.”

To say this woman adores me beyond reason would be a pathetic understatement. She never shows me anything but utmost respect and loyalty. I couldn’t possibly trust her more and can’t even make up a reason to question her motives. (Which, believe me, with almost anyone else wouldn’t be hard for me…)

In July, I will be forty-eight years old. I’m an actor in LA, reasonably successful, have a seventeen year-old son, and although my early-adult live was incredibly erratic, with the help of my precious wife, I’ve been relatively (to the fullest meaning of that word) stable for about ten years. Only for about the past year and a half have a few things started to become… hmm…. yes, I would say impairing. Even dangerously risky. Really different. Like worse. At least potentially.

This is all so upsetting. Sort of stunning and frightening at the same time. Yes, stunned. That’s how I feel. I used to play football, and I feel like I just got “ear-holed” mid-field. Just numb. I’m a dadgumed grown man, dammit.

Oh yes, and did I mention that my wife is pregnant? I could not be more excited and happy about that, but it’s also really “AAIIGGHH!!”, you know?

I do feel a certain comfort from at least seeing it. And I know- I have to get tested. That’s Priority #1. I just happen to be seeing a therapist right now, and I think this was about to come up anyway. (It’s come up before…. right before I changed therapists… or pronounced myself “cured” and got too busy for counseling…) I took the test with that dude on this site, and I never answered ‘no.’ I mean holy crap, not even once??? I tend to struggle with people who bring it up. But I don’t know, this time I just feel like I’m sort of outed. I don’t think I can get this back into the bottle, man. Maybe that’s ok.

I know it’s probably gonna be ok. But right now, I just want to hide under my bed. It’s Tuesday morning and I have a whole week ahead of me, but all I want to do is hide.

I do that a lot.

Anyway. So here I am.

Hi.

I’m Jim.

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[quizzical]

Jim – Welcome, and I love the way you write! Very evocative; I felt like I was watching the whole scene right along with you.

Don’t hide; if for no other reason, don’t hide because your story is too intriguing.

Like you, I’m in my mid-forties and only just now connecting the dots….unlike you, they don’t yet form a clear picture of “Do-I-have-this?” All the same, I feel for you arriving at this place at this time in life; it’s a bit bewildering, to say the least.

Glad to hear you’ve already got a therapist and can get some answers soon!

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[Anonymous]

You’re officially outed, you can’t go back now, and you shouldn’t.

Watching “ADD and Loving It!?!” was like a religious experience for me, despite the fact that I had already been diagnosed. I laughed, I nodded my head vigorously to some of the scenarios and yep, I too cried. I realized that I had a similar reaction once before, when my psychiatrist first mentioned the possibility of ADHD to me.

Here’s the cliche part…everything you are feeling, Every. Thing. Is normal. We’ve all been there, we’ve all struggled with the diagnosis and what it means, the relief and the torture, the fear, the stigma, all of it. To say that you’ve come to the right place is an understatement. You’ve come to the perfect place!

And it sounds like you have a phenominal support system in your wife, which believe me is so very important. I think that a lot of us struggle with having to ‘prove’ to loved ones that what we have, what we experience is very ‘real’. It sounds as though your wife sees it too, and if things are getting as bad as you say, she is probably as desperate for you to get help as you are.

Please don’t hide, don’t run, don’t even TRY to put this back in the bottle. My experience has been that things progressed for me with age, my self ‘boundaries’ and intentional ‘sensors’ no longer worked and I was at the mercy of the disease. At the risk of sounding new agey, you watched the show for a reason, then you took the test, then you took to the forum to out yourself even more. You’re ready for the next step. Just take it. We all did it. It’s not easy, you’ll have awesome days and you’ll have not so great days, but I can tell you that my worst day now is waaaay better than a ‘decent’ day before my diagnosis. I’ll ask you what my doc asked me “Don’t you want to feel better?” If you knew you were a diabetic, would you knowingly go without insulin because you were afraid? The first day when I felt that I was truly seeing improvements beat any fear, anyone’s opinions, any stigma that may come with saying that I am a ‘grown ass woman’ with ADHD.

Read through this site, read the forums, look at the support people get from others who have been through the exact same thing and understand that getting help is your God given right. Help yourself and you will see your life improve in ways you never thought possible. It sounds so corny, but it’s true. Getting help, getting diagnosed, continuing with treatment quite literally saved my life, and I know that I’m not alone in feeling that way. So welcome to the tribe and good luck!

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[Anonymous]

Hi Jim (come on, no one else was going to say it?)

Like you and many other people our age, ADHD was not considered as a diagnosis until we were already “young adults.” At that time it was thought that kids “out grew” it and so it would be many more years and many mis-diagnoses from well-meaning doctors until ADHD is discovered.

Getting the right doctor is key. As I mentioned before, I had seen quite a few doctors about the mess my mind was in, but until we thought to see a specialist, the diagnosis remained hidden.

With the right diagnosis, you can get proper treatment. And the bad news is that there is no magic pill. There are medicines that will help you cope a little better, make better decisions, stay a little calmer, but in the long run, you still have to make the effort to work around what has been getting in your way your entire life. To put it another way, getting glasses will help you make out the letters, but they can’t teach you to read.

There are a lot of good videos on this site that go beyond what you’ve already seen. I think you will find them as useful and enlightening as I have.

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[sdwa]

Dude, you know what? I’m 48, too. I got the diagnosis at 45, and it would have been nice to know what the situation was about 40 years before that. Maybe you’re thinking: Oh my god, I’m impaired!

But actually, this is good news. Because now you can A) stop kicking yourself for the things you struggle with and actually get some help.

There is life after diagnosis. Maybe not the life you thought you had, but hey, you’re still exactly the same person. But now, if you learn about ADHD, you’ve got information you can use to change your environment to support you in doing what you want and need to do.

Good books you could even peruse in the bookstore include: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD (Russell Barkley) and Journeys Through ADDulthood (Sari Solden.)

Barkley’s website has a downloadable/read online first chapter of his book here: http://www.russellbarkley.org/adhd-research.htm

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[memzak]

Hi Jim and welcome!

I was 58 when I found out and it was watching the show that gave me the clues. I watched it 3 times before I finally admitted that I had it even though I had the AHA moment the first time I saw the show. I kept trying to deny that I had a problem that I couldn’t “fix”. I had been trying to “fix” these problems all my life and I was still trying, and failing.

I finally asked my daughter to watch it with me. After 15 minutes she said “yes you are definately ADD” and that was that. To make a long story short, I got the book from the show, got seriously depressed, saw a psychiatrist then another (everyone is right about getting the right doctor) and slowly realized that I was not broken. I just needed to look at things a little differently. And yes it does seem to get worse with age if not treated. Sage advise I got from a 22 year old ADD friend of my daughter’s who has already experienced this fact.

I have been able to turn some of my worst ADD traites into my best strengths with a little rethinking of my situation. I am still struggling. I am working on rebuilding my support system which has evaporated over the last three years.

So, let go of the guilt, assess you strenghts and weaknesses, make your therapists diagnosis official, get meds if you need them, give that wife of yours a huge hug and know that you are among friends here.

And TheGameGuy, I love your little saying about the glasses not teaching you how to read. It should be a wall plaque or stiched on a pillow or something. Its perfect for us ADDers. I’m going to work on that one.

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

I’m reading all of these with tears in my eyes.

Wow.

I was on the air last night in Buffalo, at the PBS station. Great people. As the evening wore on, and the phones rang off the hooks, and people shared their stories with the volunteers who were taking pledges, the mood changed from one of, “Lets have a great and successful evening,” to something much more profound.

One of my co-hosts, Jill, a producer at PBS, was almost in tears and ended by talking at length about how proud she was that the station was airing the documentary.

Ava and I were glowing.

On Sunday we were in Baltimore doing our Now What?! workshop with Patrick McKenna and Dr. Umesh Jain. Same thing. People sneaking backstage after the show because they simply had to thank us.

Funny, you work away on a TV show or a website, in edit suites, staring at computer screens, and now and then you wonder if it’s any good, or if it will make a difference. I think that’s all any of us want, is to make a difference. To be contributing somehow and to be recognized for our contribution. Father’s Day is coming up and it seems to me that the only thing a father wants to hear is that his kids admire him and have been inspired by them.

I can tell you, I’m inspired by these shares. My energy level has gone up about 4,000% as I’m reading them. We inspire you… You inspire us.

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[Anonymous]

So nice to feel less crazy for cryin like a baby when the realization first hit me.

I can’t thank you enough, everybody here that shares, and especially those present that I saw on the show.

The show helped me remember to try and be a little more patient and forgiving of myself. For that I am most grateful. You make me feel less crazy for being so outspoken about ADHD. I just want to spare anybody else the possible suffering. It seems that despite my “gifts”, it has also greatly disrupted the course of my life.

namaste

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[Robbo]

Wow Jim,

Accept for the fact that I’m not an actor in the sense that it’s a job I do. You wrote my letter for me. I was asking about my childhood with my mom about a month and a half ago and It was freakin hilarious. Her memories were much more whitewashed than what I rememgber, (Gotta leave that typo, it’s sorta quirky funny huh??but some ot the things she remembered had me roaring with laughter. I used to litterally grab a blanket and go hide when I was really little! I’ve had phases of agoraphobia, mostly just when I lived in a very crime infested neighborhood. That was more smart, than neorotic. I’m all over the place everywhere nowadays. Accept not it’s getting colder. I don’t know how you Canadians handle all that cold weather. Yer a tough crew.

Welcome to my nightmare Jim. Read a lot of what’s here and things will get better fairly quickly. I said yes to absolutely every question too! That sooooo freaking sux huh? I can see me on the football field getting it in the Ear like I used to do to so many poor quarterbacks as a defensive end. Nothing like going through a fullback and destroying a quarterback, huh? I’m guessing you’re an adrenaline junkie or used to be also.

I’ll be spending a lot of time in this part of the forum. Heck, months probably. A 26, no a 28 hour day! yeah, that’s the solution to our problems huh I love to sleep when I finally get tired. In fact that’s how my parents always found me when I was so dang little. Curled up with my blanket sound asleep. Then I’d wake up and go back to entertaining my 3 older brothers and 3 older sister … AAACCKKK!!! I still have dark rings under my eyes, and I’m not from India.

Peace.

P.S sorry bout the typos I don’t have time to fix. I gotta go take some dang medicine for my belly full of glass shards!!!!!!!GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (just feels that way…)

That one typo reminded me of a funny Snigglet. (words that should be in the dictionary) Burgacide, That’s when a hamburger breaks up into too many small pieces and hurls it’self through the grill into the coals… I found an old “jokes” email from 97 and made a copy to give one of my neighbors, hehe. Lot’s of funny snigglets.

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