What if it's how other people treat us that's the biggest problem?

[Tiddler]

ADHD has been holding me back all my life. That much is absolutely certain. I am 41 and it has held me back my whole life.

But I have moved into a field where my divergent thinking, strongly emotional, randomness is a genuine strength. It is not only no longer holding me back but actively helping me.

So I got to thinking, is ADHD a problem in the individual or a problem in the environments most of us spend our time in?

All the benefits I got from my diagnosis are about this difference between me and what my environment expects of me.

I no longer need to accept the ‘stupid’, ‘lazy’, ‘weepy’ labels that were thrown at me. That’s other people’s behaviour – not mine.

I no longer need to ‘try harder’. I am learning to work differently. That was about people trying to make me like them instead of helping me find my way of working.

The depression and anxiety and OCD – all about feeling out of control. Why? Because my environment and me were clashing.

When I’m interested? Really genuinely challenged? Well, that’s different. In the right environment, with no expectations of being stupid or lazy or feeling like I have to work like everyone else? It’s going well. Better than well.

I actually feel like my ADHD IN THIS ENVIRONMENT is a bonus – a genuine ‘gift’.

No, I don’t think ADHD is a gift. I think it’s a flippin nightmare for most of the time for most people. But I am starting to seriously wonder how much of that is down to:

a) other people

b) uninteresting environments

c) the skills ALL of us have being undervalued.

I don’t mean ‘gifts’ bestowed upon us by the ADHD fairy. I mean that everyone has things they’re good at and if filing and remembering dates and paying attention to boring jobs aren’t on our list of good qualities so what? Look around. All the NTs out there are bad at a whole heap of stuff too.

I don’t want to think of myself as broken any more. I have a different skill set. The skills I have have NEVER been valued before and my deficits have been treated as bigger and worse than everyone else’s. But that doesn’t mean they ARE bigger and worse than everyone else’s.

What if they’re only ‘bigger and worse’ because of how we’re treated by others and by the environments we find ourselves in that don’t allow us to do whatever we find ourselves capable of?

So here’s what I think – ADHD sucks. Big time. But maybe that’s not just about the stuff we find hard. Maybe it’s about other people.

Sounds like a typical ‘it’s not me it’s everyone else’ rant? I don’t mean it to be. I am just noticing a whole lot of crap I never noticed before because I’m finally in a place where people don’t do it to me. People want to work in my team. People are interested in what I have to say. The work fits my brain.

And I don’t need my medication…

Go figure.

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[Tiddler]

Sorry. My computer is on the verge of collapse and I didn’t know this had sent first time!

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[Anonymous]

Wow, awesome. I’m so glad for you you’ve found your niche. Now to find one for the rest of us.

Its true being ADHD has its disadvantages, but then so does being “normal”. Yeah we’re easily distracted, but maybe we’re more aware of our environment than normal people (I almost never step in dog doo, lol). Yes our thoughts whirl a mile a minute, but that’s where all our great ideas come from.

I’m not normal, so I couldn’t tell you what their disadvantages are other than one big one… They aren’t me! They also aren’t my son. They aren’t you and everyone else on this forum.

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[Misswho23]

Tiddler – This line spoke to me so acutely of what I go thought in the world of workplaces.

“What if they’re only ‘bigger and worse’ because of how we’re treated by others and by the environments we find ourselves in that don’t allow us to do whatever we find ourselves capable of?”

If I can ask what field of work you went into? If I recall I think you went into a different line of work after the ADD diagnosis? Haven’t been posting lately and I’m getting caught up and refreshing my brain.

Lately what is getting me down is keeping track of time at work and how ling it takes me to do stuff. I’m a graphic designer and I started doing my own jewelry business. Both require that parts of me that are creative able to think fast and come up with innovative ideas. So in that it’s a good fit. It’s that executive function side. Before finding this site I didn’t really know about the “weaker” executive function part of ADD.

But like you said so what if we are not that interested in dates where the file went etc. What are we good at and allow us to do that.

I had a job where the print buyer was good at that end and I appreciated this about her. But when I could not keep track the same I was written up or talked to or told all the same crap about not paying attention, wasting company time yadda yadda.

But here’s the thing I was hired as a designer to design. I’ve never been put down for my creativity. I’ve also been complimented a thousand times for my ideas and for long projects requiring the hyper-focus part of me that other designers could not deal with. And dealing with the most difficult and hard to please clients because I have a side that doesn’t take those clients so personal. That’s when my lack of some social cues come in. I don’t get caught up in it I only hear what it is they want to have happen on the job and how can I problem solve that.

But it’s when the time gets added up because you have to know what to bill people that I get into trouble. Either because I loose track of how long it took. Underestimate it or loose what I did. What I don’t get is what’s so hard about having the people who really like to do that stuff help the people who are more the innovators so our minds don’t get so tied up with stuff that in the end doesn’t make us do our jobs any better and takes up brain space and time to do what we are hired for in the first place?

I don’t feel that this is a poor me, it’s not me it’s everyone else rant either. But in a way I do feel it’s everyone else. We have educational systems and management systems that work for a percentage of people. And it’s expected that everyone should fir into the system. And if you don’t then there’s a problem. But I think it doesn’t have to be.

So here’s one I often wonder about. What it were reversed? What is the rest of the education system and workplaces had to live by our rules and do things how we excel? Then that same group of people who are predominant in succeeding would then be failing. Think about it. If others got criticized and help back, not promoted for not being able to think up new ideas, new inventions, think outside the box, care more about the project them how much time it took. Well then they would be right where we have been all our lives.

And they would be struggling trying to be more creative, think more dynamically and wondering why all they can do is file, keep track of time and know what they did in the last hour. And here’s the real positive thing I think, most ADD people wouldn’t get so caught up in all the negative but most likely would come up with some way or invention to help the person out. Not spend a lot of time trying to get them to be just like us. But finding how what would work and how.

Well hope that made sense. I have a headache and need to eat something.

Thanks so much for your post Tiddler

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[Anonymous]

Tid you closet “Gifty” you…..hahahahahahha!!!! I agree, that we all have strengths and frailties….to one degree or another, everybody ALL of US!!! I also agree (experience tells me)….people tend to judge based those strengths and frailties.

Yes… I also agree there are environments where we can …either maintain……excel….and or flounder…..similar to the rest of the world.

Our dilemma may ( and I stress may )stem not so much from what others think or say about us……but more to what we do with that….and in some part may be do to our ability to read or sense those things emanating from said others???? Part of our hyper element often is hyper-awareness and also hyper-sensitivity……and couple with our all too often ODD tendencies….hmmmm???

So Tid maybe….just maybe, if this is all accurate…it behooves us to strive become more comfortable ( it’s not always easy but then neither is the converse)….really comfortable, with who we are and what we are about…… a part of which may be understanding which environment(s) allows us to blossom….shine and be our amazing selves… and which are to be hmmmm… avoided or which we have little mastery of???? These may well be the building blocks to positive self-image, and positive self-esteem….which are the critical elements of personal strength and contentment…….. the path to a life without regret……yes???

After all if “The unexamined life is not worth living.” as Socrates said (at his trial for heresy)……..then maybe we can extrapolate that ……without cure and action, diagnosis is of questionable value????

I’m just sayin’……

Toofat

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[Robbo]

That’s deep. Good post Toofat.

I’m a bit of a “Gifty” now that I think of it. For now I’m still in search of that prime environment I’ll show off my gifts in. I got hope though. Lot’s .

I’m just gonna have to keep practicing. Practice what I’m good at, and this world will likely deliver my next job/career at my doorstep. Things like that actually happen to me. I’ll let you guys know when it happens next.

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[Anonymous]

Roobo….it’s strange how talents, gifts, affinities, new realities surface……and not always where we typically seek them……awareness….and diligence to our surroundings wherever we are…..turning things upside down and inside out……looking past what is given…..mentally arguing the other side…..so many ways to see…so many things to see that hide from so many….. in plain sight!

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

Robbo….it’s strange how talents, gifts, affinities, new realities surface……and not always where we typically seek them……awareness….and diligence to our surroundings wherever we are…..turning things upside down and inside out……looking past what is given…..mentally arguing the other side…..so many ways to see…so many things to see that hide from so many….. in plain sight!

Just when we think we have it cased……????

Toofat

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[Robbo]

You could say that again!

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[Tiddler]

‘Closet gifty’. Didn’t see that sneak up on me at all! lol We’ve been round and round on that one a good few times and I’ve loved it every time.

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[Anonymous]

Hahahahahahahaha…..thanks for the giggle of the day Tid!!!!

Toofat

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[nellie]

I guess what it all really boils down to is that the world is not ready to accept a strength based system. Instead of utilizing one’s strengths, everyone is busy trying to fix up their weaknesses. I always thought everyone, especially bosses, should read the Gallop Strength Finder books. http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx

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[Fabulous]

Tiddler, I completely relate to your premise! Nellie, what do you think about the fact that ADHD is defined in terms of impairment and dysfunction? I am usually reluctant to share education on ADHD with neurotypicals, because the information is so negative and so focused on the DSM threshold symptom numbers and dysfunction across multiple areas (i.e., work, social life). I feel like I am completely discrediting myself. I think it would be interesting to see experts develop a more rounded defining description that included characteristics beyond impairment — maybe even strengths.

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[Tiddler]

I’ve been reading some research that backs up why all this is so important.

There’s evidence that one of the most damaging thing for long term ‘outcomes’ in people’s lives is being rejected by peers. This is something most of us have probably faced.

But the study I was reading was showing how kids who THINK their partner on a task has ‘behaviour problems’ were more likely to treat them differently, talk to/play with them less etc and the kids who were supposed to have the ‘problems’ were more unhappy afterwards too.

It didn’t make any difference whether the child had ADHD or their partner just thought they had it – the interactions were the same.

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[Fabulous]

Hi Tiddler

Yes; stigma. It is like that eye-colour lesson from the 1960s: http://www.uiowa.edu/~poroi/seminars/2004-5/bloom/poroi_paper.pdf

I’d like to read it if you still have the citation?

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