Will I survive?

[Anonymous]

It’s just so sad to see everything and not be able to focus just on the positives. Friday was my first payday, and I was able to catch up on some debt and tithe, put gas in the car, and just a few other things. Now I am broke as a joke until next payday. Yet seeing the enormity of my debt makes it feel like getting the new job has essentially made me a debt slave for at least a while. Maybe forever. I don’t know. I’m just not sure if, when, or how I will get ahead in life. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t.

Top that off with a flat tire and having to plug it myself twice…since I messed up the first time (and I’m cheap about it…I just realized I probably couldn’t have afforded to take it to the shop) and man, I’m just sick of it all. It’s like I’m trying to do things right…new job, paying on debt, trying to be more responsible, yet I still feel like I’m being hit with bad karma r.e. the flat tire.

I just don’t feel like things will get much better. As it is, I have to work 8 am – 4:30 am, but I get a second wind after 10 pm, so I never rest adequately. I can’t just force myself to rest. Every time I lie in bed alone with my thoughts, I cannot relax. It takes a while to fall asleep. And then I have to get up early, like at 6 am, so I can get ready, visit my mom’s grave, and then get into work on time. What really sucks is that I don’t feel fully asleep until 1-2 am. By the time I’m driving home, I feel like a zombie in the car, thanking God that I don’t fall asleep behind the wheel. I then eat dinner and take a nap…since that’s all I can do.

That affects my mood, too. I’m already turning into a curmudgeon at the age of 27. I know it’s because I don’t get enough sleep…simply because I can’t.

Reading about the lifestyle changes on the site doesn’t help. They seem like far-out, unattainable goals. Very few can hope to attain them – and that’s objective fact. Just look at it in terms of obesity: 95% of dieters regain all the weight they lost. I forget how many actually achieve their ideal weight, probably close to 1%. Any way you put it, lifestyle changes don’t stick. The statistics are pretty much hopeless about them, at least in terms of obesity.

I’m getting more and more depressed by the day. I quit the antidepressant I was on to try Concerta without feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. (It wasn’t all in my head, either. I measured an elevated pulse and grade 3 hypertension while I tried the Effexor and Concerta together.) It might have helped if I were able to quit smoking and drop about 150 lbs, but those things are hard enough in and of themselves…just think how much harder ADHD and depression make them!

I probably won’t actually kill myself, but I do think about it and sometimes wonder why I haven’t yet. Reading about methods is comforting, oddly enough, just knowing there’s an out sometimes helps. But yeah I wonder why I haven’t done it yet, since my first thought of suicide was probably 14 years ago.

But yeah, like $45,000 in student loan debt…knowing that it’s discharged upon death makes me realize that I’m monetarily worth more dead than alive. Life insurance probably does that for most people, too, but it never really belongs to one’s own estate…while the immediate debt reduction frees up property of one’s estate. That’ll probably stay for quite a while, and the government will take low payments. But credit cards also make me feel like I’m being torn apart on the rack. $3200 one place, $100 another, $500 another, and interest in the 20%’s make it seem impossible to get in control.

Trust in God might help. But I just got done giving him 10% of my paycheck and I get a flat tire as thanks. Some miracle of tithing…

I have no more hope that much will help. My ARNP (who is fat himself) always thought of my cardiac issues with the combination of Effexor and a stimulant being because I’m fat. Easy copout, not to mention that if he did his job, he could figure out that the NE stimulation is too much with that combination!

And then when we tried IR Ritalin or Adderall, he would only write bid scripts, not tid, because he feared insomnia. But of course it would actually have been nice to be able to focus in the evening. Even more so now, since that’s when I look at my personal budget. Now it just looks like a clusterfuck that I can’t solve to my satisfaction, even though I know how to compute the taxes taken out of my paycheck using the IRS tables. I just can’t seem to make it work.

I wish the fat ARNP would script me a stimulant that would be in my body 24/7 or at least the majority of the day. Ideally it would be 24/7 so I could shut off my thoughts at night, not have rebound hunger and start eating everything in the refrigerator, and just be able to use my mind all the time instead of just in the morning and maybe in the afternoon.

I know the Concerta is doing something (but not enough) in the afternoon, since 2-20 oz mugs of Diet Mountain Dew, quite frankly, make me feel high. Yet without the caffeine I just can’t be productive.

Maybe I should just make it easy and go to Norway or Sweden or wherever it’s legal for people with a long hx of depression (close to 9 years on the books for me) can participate in the same assisted suicide as the terminally ill can. Being around that long, it’s not going away. I’m not sure if antidepressants will help too much anymore…maybe SSRI + stimulant? Or will that cause the heart to panic like SNRI + stimulant? I’ve tried a few SSRIs, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, trazodone, Elavil. But the Elavil was mainly for insomnia rather than depression…it was added to Effexor…but yeah that’s an entirely different ballgame. Who knows if they’d try TCAs…could be too much heart risk. Or maybe an MAOI like Parnate could help both ADHD and depression…yet it seems so rare to find around.

Sometimes I think I should just ask the fat ARNP for some Desoxyn (methamphetamine) since it’s rumored to have the most central and least peripheral nervous system activity. It won’t help that I tried the street stuff…but he seems to think that was an effort at self-medicating. I mean, Adderall and Vyvanse gave me headaches, and I can’t tolerate Effexor + Concerta (or probably any other stimulant with Effexor for that matter).

Well, talking psychopharmacology was a nice diversion from suicidal thoughts But they’re really fleeting. If I can get distracted from them, they’ll go away. Yet if I open up GnuCash or start to think about money, I just want to die.

Ah yes money…come to think of it I still resent my sisters for their horrid advice that, by taking it, has torn my life apart. Going to grad school right away after undergrad was a big mistake. I had bad credit card debt then, filed bankruptcy, and got it discharged. Otherwise I couldn’t have lived on a graduate teaching assistant salary. I wanted a break and to make some money with a real job. Then I would think about grad school once I was financially stable. But no…I listened to them (and my older sister’s husband) when it was all about the line you’ll never go back to school. This despite the fact that BOTH sisters actually earned their MBAs in night school WHILE HOLDING FULL TIME JOBS.

And then the bitches just couldn’t stand me being unemployed for a year. Thank goodness I held out for a good job and not just some crappy one with a salary that I definitely couldn’t make it on. I think they were tired of me mooching off of Dad (though not for very much…just food and utilities) because they probably want to preserve their inheritance. I wouldn’t put it past them, especially since they act like they’re so poor despite big sis making $72k on her own (add in her hubby’s $37k and the family makes $109k) and little sis makes $40k. Uh yeah that pales in comparison to what I used to make, $18k, as a graduate teaching assistant. It must be SO easy to give advice like to stay in grad school when you and your husband are comfortably making $109k…so easy!

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[Anonymous]

@bige1030:

It sounds like you need to see someone to talk about this and work with you to find the right balance of medications and other assistance.

I have a few questions, though, and I apologize if you find them insensitive:

Why give 10% to God and not the credit card companies, whom you are obligated to? God doesn’t need money. You might need to talk to a financial adviser or bankruptcy councillor about your situation if you are using your credit cards and not paying them off every month. I stupidly did that when I was in my early 20s and it was a hole that took me quite a while to dig out of. Nobody told me that just paying the minimum every month meant that interest would be charged on the whole amount from the date of the transaction, or that interest would compound at an insane rate (I have ADD, so math ability is not one of my assets).

You could also start by not using your credit cards at all, just cash. And looking carefully at what you are spending your money on. My sister bought a car when she was living in St Lucia because she needed it to get to work. The roads down there are awful and the drivers are worse, it didn’t take long for her to have an accident and the car to be ruined. In the end, she decided it was not worth owning a car just to have a job (her employer would not provide her with a car, it had to be at her own expense). Is the car necessary? Is there no public transit or car pooling that you could take advantage of?

Why visit your mother’s grave every morning? Why not sleep in a bit longer and go on the weekend? Perhaps you could find a grieving support group in your area if you are still struggling with her loss. My mom passed away about 2.5 years ago at the age of 80 and I am still struggling with some aspects of it, but getting better at handling it with the help of a few people like my therapist, a social worker friend, and a visit to a social worker at a local hospice (all free except my therapist).

I have had similar sleep issues (feeling like I was dragging myself around during the day but getting a second wind and staying up late, waking multiple times during the night) – I am seeing a doc for a sleep study consultation in the fall to see if sleep apnea might be an issue (if you have weight issues it could be a problem). But being on Ritalin has helped tremendously with energy levels during the day, getting to sleep at night (and at a pretty normal hour if I am careful about it) and sleeping through the night. So you should really investigate this, there could be many causes. It could dramatically improve the quality of your life if addressed.

I suppose you just want to rant and get it off your chest, as my friend says, this is my two cents worth, and worth what you paid for it.

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[Anonymous]

Hang in there, it gets better. Humans generally have a problem with present continuous. We think things are the way they are forever. If it’s raining on Monday and I ask you what you think the weather will be this weekend, you will probably say it’s gonna rain. If it’s sunny, you’ll be an optimist. The same is true with weight, debt, smoking, and a million other things. It seems to be worse for negative issues with people with ADD.

About 7 years ago, I had over $100K in consumer debt, about $150K in student loans and in a deep depression. My debt was higher, but so was my income. The closest I ever came to suicide was when I sat down to do a budget for myself. I thought it was hopeless, but it’s not. After a lot of hard work and time, I got consumer debt free (still have the student loans) last year and my wife and I bought a great house. We’ve got consumer debt now, but it’s sensible, purposeful and manageable.

I can’t promise this will work, but it’s worked for me and a few of my friends:*

Do your best to consolidate your debt (but not with one of those shyster debt consolidators–do it yourself). It will be hard with a bankruptcy, but find a low interest credit card if you can, and put as much onto that as you can. Call your credit card companies and ask for lower interest rate in exchange for either transferring a balance to them or giving up the card (converting it into a loan that you pay off ). Most card companies would rather do this than either lose a customer or take a bath if you default. You can also try to get an unsecured debt consolidation loan from your bank. Work with your existing card companies first, so it doesn’t look like you’re panicking and desperate for credit (when you apply with a new company, they will pull your credit and it will show up on your file. Existing companies usually don’t have to).

Pay off your highest interest debt first, and pay the minimum plus $1 on everything else (some credit card companies have three categories of payers: less than the minimum; just the minimum and more than the minimum. Paying a dollar more puts you in their top category and more likely to get better offers). It’s hard with ADD, so try to set up an automatic payment from the account where your check is deposited.

Take a different credit card and use that for groceries, gas, phone, and everything else you need to spend money on regularly. Pay that off every month. If you’re living within your means, this will not be a problem. You will spend the same amount of money, but doing this will (1) rebuild your credit and (2) earn rewards points, which you can cash in for either cash or retail gift cards. I started off with a 575 credit rating and topped out at over 800 last year. It’s not magic and it’s not get rich quick, it’s hard work and planning.

Rearrange your life to minimize your recurring expenses. This is painful at first, but I was making $125K a year, drove an 88 mercury, and shared a $450 apartment in Queens (for those who don’t know, this is like a $200 apartment anywhere else in the US). (If you go by societal norms (25% of salary towards housing), I should have been living in a $2500 apartment). Go to Costco or Walmart and buy the generic.

It’s not glamorous, but neither is spending yourself into depression. It sounds like you’re already there if you’re fixing your own tires, but look at the rest of your life and find places to cut. Realize that this is temporary, and look forward to what you will be able to do with all the money you’re using to pay down your debt. A good book for perspective is Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Take what works and leave the rest. To tell the truth, even now that I’m (mostly) debt free, I prefer the generic, I drive a car that is 1/3 of what I can afford and my new house is just what we need, nothing more. I’ve realized this is what wealthy people do–they treat needs as needs and cut the cost as much as possible. Nuts are nuts, buy the store brand.

I hyperfocused on my debt. I created spreadsheets projecting my payoff date. Then I imagined what I would do with that extra money. When you’re paying almost $2000 a month in debt–that’s a lot of freedom when you’re debt free. It’s motivation when you’re not. I’m realizing that my ADD means I have to get emotional to get started. I would draw on what I could to get and stay on task. I looked at my debt as a dragon I had to slay, and every month was a slash into it’s lizard skin. I would take 90% of my after-tax bonus every year and hit the dragon over the damn head with it. (The other 10% was my reward).

Speaking of, pay yourself an allowance every month/paycheck so you can buy dinner, go to a movie or buy a gadget. If you don’t, you’ll go nuts and wind up spending more. Sway with the breeze, don’t snap in the wind. I started out with a stipend of about $200 per month, but it will depend on where you live, what you make and your patience.

The tithe is up to you. Do what you can to help others, but not at the cost of your own life and health. If you cannot afford the tithe, consider volunteering. A good friend of mine volunteers at a soup kitchen, and I used to volunteer at an animal shelter. It made me feel a lot better than cutting a check.

If you figure out the weight problem, please let me know. The one thing that has helped me is the stat/estimate that 50% of obese people have undiagnosed ADD. That would explain why diets don’t stick. If you know about your ADD, it can only help put you back on track. I’ve switched from diet coke to the 5 hour energy drinks, which reduces bloating and makes me want to eat less.

Nictotine is a stimulant, which is why ADDers are often smokers. Try the patch if you can.

Good luck.

*Fair disclosure, I didn’t at the time I was in debt, but I currently work for a credit card company. What I realize now is that everyone works for a credit card company, one way or another. I’m just one of the ones who gets a paycheck from them.

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[quizzical]

No advice here, because you’ve got lots of good stuff here from the previous posts. I’ll just offer (((HUGS)))

Don’t give up.

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[Anonymous]

LOL, I DID work for the credit card company back then! Our government just changed the rules for credit card companies and they now have to tell you explicitly how long it will take to pay off your balance if you only pay the minimum balance. It’s a very sobering number for anyone.

I am still struggling after many years of many apartments, many jobs, etc. but at least I don’t have any debt. It took a long time to get there, I can very much relate to this post about thinking I would never get ahead – I can remember so many times when I had earned some extra $ and then a repair or a speeding ticket would come along to snatch it from my hands. So I learned that when I had extra $ (not very often) I should drive VERY carefully. That helped. A very understanding husband who realized my need to find my own way in life was also helpful in letting me take courses, try different things. I actually successfully achieved a professional accounting designation (although I don’t work in that field at all now). All from being a university drop-out and working in a factory in my early 20s, and not really having my life together at all for many years.

Quizzical is right, you need a big HUG from us, please know you’re not alone and that there are possibilities if you remain open to them.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you all! It’s so wonderful to hear from you about your experiences that, quite frankly, suck more than mine. I’m too tired to make this sound coherent. I type way too fast for my own good…it was like worse incoherent ranting than my original post. But yeah, I’m feeling better. The patch on the tire is totally working It makes me feel good when I can actually fix my car with my own hands and mind. I’ve got $10 til next Friday though lol.

As for smoking, quitting is hard. I get too angry without smokes. I tried patches but sweated them off literally. E-cigarettes seemed to make me feel kinda high using them like a regular cigarette. The gum was hard to time right, though it tasted better than I expected.

I don’t know how, but I somehow managed to gain 7 lbs in a week…maybe I was moving around more when I was jobless?

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[Anonymous]

i want to read this whole thing, but need to get myself to bed. just *hugs*. I’ve been to that hopeless place many many times (the fun of being bipolar) and just cannot fathom..even begin to understand how life can work out and why it is worth living.. then I eventually feel better and I am not able to fathom why I would ever want to die. sometimes you need to trust others that there is a road ahead when you experience blindness.

Please consider some depression intervention. like some cognitive therapy to help break you away from some of the automatic depressogenic thoughts which imprison you.

keep posting! don’t bottle up these toxic thoughts!

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[Anonymous]

Maybe it would help to just focus on one thing, either the not-smoking or the weight or the credit card debt (I would focus on the latter myself) and not punish yourself too much if you fall short. It’s the intention and some effort that counts, do that over and over again and eventually you’ll make some headway.

I hear you on the car repair success – congrats! I put on 3 new windshield wipers by myself (if I’d waited for my husband to do it, it would have taken a year) and there was no swearing at all. It did take me a long time to figure out the first one though. I would love to take a powderpuff mechanics course if I ever had the time.

We are here for you, but as sugargremlin says, you should really get someone nearby on your side to help.

$10 will buy a lot of dried beans – can you make soup?

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[Anonymous]

Debt will totally throw you into a funk, and the changes that you have to make to get yourself free of it are hard, but this is what I have to tell myself constantly.

“When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging”

I had to ‘simplify’ my life in order to even get started on paying down debt. No cable, no internet, a car that even though it’s an absolute beater, gets me from point A to pont B without a car payment, cut down on things like going out, eating out, I pack my lunch for work religiously. Things get under control then something happens like a break a tooth eating oatmeal (no lie) and then find myself with another 2200 dollars of debt. The downward shame spiral.

The point is that you are getting there. I spent years ignoring the debt, living for the moment. You can’t take it with you and all that, but sooner or later, all kinds of debt catch up with you. Life for me is going to be less than stellar for a while, but when you get close to where you want to be, the feeling of accomplishment is pretty hard to beat.

I know that when you’re right smack in the middle of it, you don’t need, nor do you want some Pollyanna-esque song and dance about the glass being half full, but it’s true! Sometimes I gotta Pollyanna it to get through, look at the good stuff, force myself, like that old theory that if you FORCE yourself to smile when you’re in a bad mood, sooner or later, you will just involuntarily smile…I may look like a homicidal maniac, but I’m SMILING damnit!

I always think “Well, I have a job. Even if it doesn’t pay well, it’s there and so many people don’t have jobs right now.” and then go from there.

As far as your relationship with your siblings go, I feel you. Resentment with siblings is the age old conflict, but my uncle told me something this weekend that put a lot in perspective for me as far as my step sibling goes “Isn’t the only person who can dictate your ‘potential’ you?” It kind of made me realize that I can’t give power to people. They will beileve what they want. If your dad was fine with loaning you money and you are a grown human being, then their issues are just that, THEIRS. You sound like you have so much you’re dealing with. Put a pin in the situation with your sisters, once you start to feel better about yourself, that will abate, I promise. I felt like a deadbeat a lot because I found myself getting help from friends and family and was insecure that my family thought I was a leech, than I realized that if people didn’t want to help me, then they would just tell me ‘no’. The business of anyone giving or receiving any sort of assistance is personal. Your sisters may see it one way, you see it another. For your own well being, just ‘agree to disagree’ for now. Carrying their opinions of you isn’t going to help you get out of any kind of funk.

Sorry, I rambled, my Tuesday morning java is getting the better of me. I’m gonna also beat the counseling drum. Talking to someone who is objective and can give you advice and ‘tools’ to get through your dark times will be instrumental in the process of improving your life! Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

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[memzak]

You have gotten some wonderful advice from everyone. The only thing I can think of to add is I was listening to a Tony Robbins CD and he was talking about some seriously depressed people that went to this experimental clinic. There were no medications or therapy and the only thing they did was smile at themselves in a mirror for 20 minutes every day. They all walked out of the clinic 2 weeks later not depressed anymore and not needing any meds! This concept is called by many names, has been written about in many books, talked about by just about every modivational speaker there is and the best way I can think of to discribe it is the Power of Attracton. You attract what you think about.

I think about suicide and I get more depressed. Yesterday I made some new business contacts and I am feeling really good. Actually, that is backwards. I was feeling better about myself yesterday and I made some new business contacts that I would not have normally approached. I had been thinking about my business as the solution to my financial troubles (too numerous to mention here) and was able to talk to these people without hesitation. Just typing this and thinking about it is making today better (I had a rough morning).

I have one question. While you are at work do you eat constantly? I had a position for 7 years and ate almost constantly. It was the only way to keep my brain functioning. I gained nearly 200lbs while I worked there! I have lost it all over the last 10 years but while I worked there I was a “grazer”. I did try to eat stuff like shredded wheat and managed to lose 7 lbs but the appeal of dry cereal only goes so far and I went back to the fattening stuff.

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[Anonymous]

yay memzak!

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[Author]

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