- This topic has 32 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.
@megan, my parents are very controlling in other ways, and their natural instinct is always to dump on any ideas my brother & I have.
While some people see the glass as half-full and some see it as half-empty, they always see someone peeing in it.
So, my brother & I have learned to do things, and THEN tell them about it. Sometimes. Other times, we keep it between the two of us.
When I saved up my money and got a panniculectomy, this past summer, I only told my mom about it, 3 months after the fact, and I only told my dad about it just before Christmas—moments after my brother had told them he’d had a mini abdominoplasty & liposuction, a month after the fact.
My brother was clever, and had decided to tell them when Dad’s best-friend-since-childhood (who is a doctor) was visiting. The doctor enthusiastically congratulated both of us for doing something that will ultimately help to improve our health. We could see that Dad really wanted to do the usual thing (blow a gasket, and lecture us on “pissing your money away”), but he couldn’t, because the doctor was there, and approved of it all. So, he had to accept it.
@Amy, it sounds like your 4-year-old is kind of like me. When I find something I like, I can’t get enough of it, until, suddenly, I discover I’m so sick of it, I can’t stand it. This happened with Ramen noodles, homemade stir-fry, Lyoner bologna, Subway sandwiches, gummi worms…ipsofactoMember
I could get choked up reading this thread. When it comes to parenting, we are all so conditioned to be judgmental. My wife (who also has ADHD) is a gifted program teacher; so there’s always a few 2E kids in her classroom. Sometimes I have to remind her that the kids with ADHD almost certainly have ADHD parents. She totally gets it of course, but it’s still frustrating to be the teacher.
There is one parenting program I would encourage others to look at. Love and Logic was a help to us. As ADHD parents, we are never going to provide perfect structure, and consistency, but the general theme is especially helpful given our tendency to overreact.
The first idea is that disciplinary consequences should always be logical. I think this is important because that’s the way the ADHD brain works. The second idea is that you as a parent should show empathy and understanding, while still enforcing the consequence. This so much reduces the resentment a child might feel. An clever device they emphasis, that again is great for ADHD parents, is not to feel pressured into finding an immediate, and maybe less logical consequence. It’s OK to say, “I’m so upset by what you have done, I can’t think of the right consequence at this moment. Don’t worry about it for now, I’ll come up with something later, when I feel calmer”. Of course the hard part is to remember later.
Yep, good thread. On the parents and parenting issue I have to stick my nose to that grindstone called forgiveness. Most of all I need to finish the parenting job my parents never finished with me, by parenting myself. I’m my own dad now. I’m MUCH more gentle with me than my dad was. We’ll give him a break today too of course.
My dad did teach me how to treat a lady like a lady – by showing me. I would like to be closer to my family but I’m better off without that arm, so to speak. It’s scary, but learning to live with less body is better than no life. I’m happy to have what’s left. I can do a lot with what’s left. I don’t want to see my family armless, but I like them alive. There’s hope for us if they’re alive.
Holding on to me blew off their arm. What a mess.
I’m looking foreword to spring time. This has been the most difficult winter I’ve had. (probably… we forget fortunately) It’s getting better though. Mainly because I actually do have some new and good friends in my life. I just struggle like a dang fool with accepting the love people show me. It’s painful when people are generous to me. I know I deserve to be treated with kindness but sometimes it’s so foreign to me that I back off like a terrified wild animal… hissing and showing my teeth, shivering out in the cold. Afraid people will see just how fragile I am.
But I do stand my ground. And let myself be loved. It ain’t easy, but I’m learning that when I keep on passing on that love it’s less painful to accept it, to own it, it’s mine. The more I share this, the more it expands inside me. And my pride does not explode like an atom bomb inside my aching soul. My insides don’t fly apart like a giant helicopter… all dark and green and loud. I survive. Always have, always will.
This is a great zoo. I think I like it here.
love n peace you guys, I’m real sure we’ve made it through the hardest part of winter. Let’s ROCK!, hard, fast and loud.
RPhil, Just Phil.Participant
Wow Megan, I am continually getting surprised at the fantastic people I am meeting on these threads. People who are facing struggles siumilar to mine, as well as come I would never even dream of and still seem to be able to keep going. You sound like you have the basics there, just need a little support and perhaps some good real world tips to ease through the more challenging moments, how do you deal with a kid who wants to wear dress up clothes all the time? Let alone just a handful of outfits. You have 3 kids who are fed, clothed and most importantly, Loved. This is the most important thing in the world. Just think, Linears (a term I have heard here and quite like) gave us the GFC, not the crazy impulsive ADDers. We have too much compassion for that.
Show them who you are, stay strong and never EVER give in. You are well on your way and by engaging with this community as much as possible, I am sure you can keep the momentum going, keep us updated.AnonymousInactive
Wow. Thanks everyone.
@ipsofacto, the advice to think of consequences later is an awesome idea, and one I have used occationally, but need to implement more often. It’s much easier to use logic when you’re not focused on the deed, but where it came from/why they acted the way they did. I always try to say, “seeing why they did what they did, understanding it, doesn’t excuse it.” And it doesn’t. Sometimes I think if people see you taking it in without blowing up, they think you’re underreacting or don’t care. When really most of the time I’m just trying to figure out the whys of it.
As for all the clothing issues, I set a few rules for this, though I still have skirmishes at my house, just not as many as I used to.
For my son (11yr old) His issue was he was wearing whatever was clean in his dresser. Except that sometimes what he put on was “farm clothes”. Old, ratty things I kept so he could go with my dad to their farm and I didn’t care if he tore them up or got them dirty. And he wore these to school. As I have issues being focused especially in the morning, I wouldn’t notice. After a phone call from the school expressing concern over whether he had decent clothes to wear and if we “needed some aid in obtaining appropriate clothing” (I explained to them he had plenty of good clothes, he just wasn’t wearing them) we made the rule that he could wear any collered shirt he owned. Didn’t matter if it was flannel, a polo, or whatever. If it had a collar on it, he could wear it. (Then I had to go buy a whole lot more since he only actually owned about 3 of them). Jeans could only have a hole at the knee, and then if it was bigger around than the bottom of a water bottle it had to go in the ‘patch bin’. (which usually means I a trip to the second hand store ’cause by the time I get around to patching it, he’s outgrown them).
For my 8yr daughter things were different because she’s more responsible and self-sufficient, but she’s also a bit of a diva. So for one week I chose what she was going to wear every day, and she didn’t get a choice. I don’t know why this worked, but after that week, she stopped having fits about “not having anything to wear” or “You never wash any of MY clothes” (which, after going through her dresser I discovered I just hadn’t washed the particular outfit she wanted to wear that day). And for Christmas and birthdays, I stress to people she loves getting clothes. My family thinks this is strange since when we were kids we wanted toys, but she really does prefer clothes. Probably because she gets cool stuff from her friends on her birthday.
So that’s how I handle it, but every kid is different so it’s kinda a crapshoot.AnonymousInactive
and as for kids who want to wear dress-up clothes (or the same outfit every day); unless they go to school I let them. Daycares understand it, and I prefer to pick my battles. To me it’s just not that big of a deal. If they go to school it would be different, and I didn’t really have this issue when they were younger because they didn’t seem to know they could voice an opinion. It wasn’t until other caregivers started asking them what they wanted to wear that day that they started voicing an opinion.AnonymousInactive
I drive a 1996 GMC Prizm. This week the malfunction was the passenger side door. After almost taking out a pedestrian with it at a gas station when it opened on its own, I freaked and went out and replaced it. With car payments I couldn’t afford and pledging a down payment from tax returns I haven’t filed yet. Luckily, my brother-in-law and sister found out about it, and he left work early the next day to go with me. He warned me that he might say things that upset me (I tend to cry at the drop of a hat), because as he put it, “I’m an asshole, but people don’t take advantage of me.” Because they did. I said I wasn’t comfortable with where the payments were, and that I didn’t want to trade in my gas-efficient car for a mini-van that doesn’t get as good of gas milege. In the end, I had traded in said car, and had higher payments than I could afford, and a van I didn’t even really want, and wasn’t sure how I ended up with it.
My brother-in-law went in there and within 15 minutes I had my car back, and everything was undone. I wish I had that talent. For now, I’m just very grateful that he does, and he’s willing to be helpful. And they loaned me my sister’s car until I can get my taxes back and buy a car wholesale so I won’t have payments.MarieAngellMemberAnonymousInactive
@MarieAngell, I don’t know if I can. I’ve tried for years yet continually get walked on by sales people, friends and family. Sometimes it’s because I have a hard time saying no, but a lot of times I do say no and I’m just ignored. People don’t ignore my b-in-law. I’ve been told my whole life I need to “toughen up” and “quit being so sensitive” (and my favorite, “You’re just too nice), but I don’t know how, or if I really want to change. I like that I’m a nice person. But the end result is that I get taken advantage of a lot. I’m learning to call him when I feel like I’m being pushed into something, but my sister and he haven’t always been so supportive, so I don’t think I trust this new, “call me anytime” attitude. It is lovely when someone stands up for you though. 🙂MarieAngellMember
@Megan, I know exactly what you mean about not being heard. And all the “toughening up” talks are useless. Being effectively assertive takes learning some techniques and practice.
I learned a lot from watching other people who were good at it in the way I wanted to be. I also discovered I could be assertive on behalf of other people (especially my kids) and that gave me some confidence about doing it for myself. Enlisting a supportive friend helped me, too. Not necessarily even to speak up for me if I faltered (although I loved it when I had the right person), but just for moral support, to shadow me.
It’s like a lot of things, I think you have to build up something of a muscle for it. Over the course of time, I’d stand up for myself once, then fail 4 or 5 times. Over and over.
I feel for you, Megan. I’m not going to kid you–it took a number of years. It was painful to follow that learning curve, but not as painful as getting walked on. That was my motivation.
Rabbi just means teacher. What the heck is wrong with that!!?. Just a lil bit of rhetoric to get some blood pumpen.
Some families organize around a clear hierarchy based on position, and I find that baffling, maybe because it doesn’t allow for the question “Why?” The notion that rules are rules just doesn’t work for me. They have to be inherently logical, not just consistently applied.
Yep, rules can sometimes be dumb. But we need to remember just how immature we really are. There’s no substitute for experience. Experience can be passed down to the next generation. But only if we respect certain famlly traditions. Didn’t Mom and Dan take you to see Fiddler On the Roof? I felt like it was really weird the way my parents seemed to make a big fuss out of taking me only to go see it in the theater. I was real little bit even back then I know “something was up” It takes half our life or more to learn from the crap they put us through as a youngster.
I’ll be bok. Lot’s here to sift through.
It’s therapy night at totallyadd.com.
Holy Crap, I can’t believe I just made a mental note to go read through all this. Ah well, I’m ambitious to the bitter mournful end.
It’s a little bit difficult getting used to not being able to edit my posts. Hard Hard discipline.
Evolution forced down our throats ain’t evolution, it’s barbaric and disgusting.
Call me crazy but any wisdom force fed is worth throwing up into the rulers face.
The parenting business is too important to clown around. So I’ll try to keep that part of me at bay tonight. Got some protein in my belly. I’m actually a bit mellowed out too. So I don’t feel any need to sip on some strong coffee for that ritalin like effect. Brace yourself gang. For once I’m gonna try to be a lil more serious.
@megan I’m not sure I want to take very seriously all the stuff people say about men needing to “get in touch with their female side” And I haven’t seen anyone use that language in this forum. It’s old stuff. All I know is old stuff. Haven’t been a parent to the very young for a few years now. I didn’t do a heck of a lot of parenting in general so I’ll keep my ideas brief. As much as is possible. Yeah right, huh?.
even though I had no idea what was going on for most of it- and I try to encourage him when I can, though I thought it was hard before when he has ADHD, now he has it and he’s starting puberty and the whole ‘challenge every adult’ thing, and it’s exhausting.
Kids learn much more by watching us grown ups than they do listening to us. It sucks but it’s true. They watch how we talk as it compares to how we behave too. That ain’t no fun but it’s the way it is. I bet if you keep on being the concerned parent that you are he will see that. He will be a concerned parent when he grows up. You don’t know how to act like a man. He won’t hold that against you. I hope you can find some men you respect and would like to have your son watch. He’ll watch and learn. At the same time, you can show him what a grown up person looks like. Both sexes are pretty much the same there. Mostly. Us men, we got it all figured out. You women. Well heck, I just don’t get you!. hehe. Sorry, I find if very difficult to be serious. It was worth a shot. I learned just as much watching moms as dads. They’re all grown ups.
I’m Child-like. I remember another person in this forum talking about how she had a super fun time with her kids, and how she would sometimes be like a child and other times more grown up. I bet kids need both of those acts in us. Mostly they need us to have some confidence. They are much more aware of everything we do that we realize. When we get older we get to see the amazing result of our funbling and bumbling. Life in general is much more forgiving that we sometimes are. We learn to give self a break though. Please remember to give self a break. Especially the parent part of self. [self I hereby give thee a break] Do that quite often. Kids need ya relaxed. It’s also good for them to see you calm yourself down when you are not relaxed. This is the part where they really pay attention, even though you’re a wreck!. Not fun but trust me, it gets easy. Then hard, then different.
A mess is okay. I remember one time my mom (gramma) seemed to be trying to tell me something. But I missed it. Tonight I finally got it. Mom and Dad very likely had ADHD. Really BAD!~!! I mean a total mess real bad!! One day when I was dragging my paralized butt outa bed into the chair. Feeling like crap because I was back in mom n dad’s0 spare bedroom again at age 31. Bummed!!! way bummed. Mom n dad’s bedroom was the worst I’d seen it. (not really, but for this story is was awful) One of the grand-kids came over. Walked straight into gramma n gramps bedroom and said “look mom!!” the lil brat though it was super cool how gramma n grams had Sooo Much Stuff!!!. lol. Uncle Robert was mortified!. Whoops (robbo) But grandkids didn’t care at all. They just wanted gramma n grampa’s love. That’s how boys are especially megan. I don’t undertand girls. But I know my kiddo is doing great now that she’s 24.
It’s okay to want to throttle them 🙂 After feeling that, show them how you calm yourself down too. Rick and Patrick talk a lot about meditation and breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth at the end of ADD and Mastering It. I bet you love that. Have you guys gotten that one?. Chocked full of solutions friends!. I gonna go watch agen. [that weren’t a typo] I’m more careful now that we don’t get to edit our posts.
This is all encouragement. Just making sure you know. It only seems like I’m taking my time and thoroughly answering some parts of your post cuz I am. Not all of it though. I ain’t no termite.
The stuff Larynxa says. Ditto. She’s smart. And I really like what you say about manners and respect for the elders. All elders. I’ve found that respecting my elders can be especially helpful in my own lil community neighborhood where I live. All my neighbors are versions of Aunt Rose. I wish I had my very own little barrel-shaped Aunt Rose, She sounds great!. You remind me of an old girlfriend sdwa. I keep thinking you’re her in disguise, married, and with a really cool Aunt. 🙂 I need to quit trippin!. lol. I miss what’shername. She was truly cool. It’s okay that she’s not around any more.
Great question MrMcKay
“how do you deal with a kid who wants to wear dress up clothes all the time?
When my kid was little she always had to have that huge fluffy white dress with the endless frizzle and (some girly word) that I endlessly kept on sewing because I didn’t care about a her playing on the jungle gym with it on. It was made out of some kind of nylon something that came clean each n every time. It could handle all that bleach just fine. Just went through a lot of thread. 🙂 I put shorts on kiddo cuz we were always climbing around up into trees n stuff. hehe. cute, huh?. That’s the only thing kiddo cried about when Dad got injured. “We” wouldn’t be able to climb trees any more. We had excellent memories. Tons. Dad and Kiddo are doing great today.
Thanks TotallyADD.com, love you a lot Rick, n Ava for keeping him alive n well. We hope you guys are having a super time in that big giant ship we imagine you on. Bring us some picture of you two eating Salmon. ***warm smile***
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