[Faequine]

As frustration grows, so does a sense of failure and despair. Was in a very dark place yesturday,should of even been scared, but i get to a place where i don’t care anymore, it can’t get much worse. The only solution sometimes seems to be relieving my family of me, then i wouldn’t be causing any issues because i’ve done something ADD related, or ‘rude’, or being a ‘bitch’, or being ‘cold hearted’ and while being mocked. Yesturday, heck today, the peacful quiet release of death seems to be the final piece to my puzzle.

It would be much better then being yelled at for hours, eventually turning to events in the past that i thought were long well, past. Dredging up issues that don’t matter anymore or aren’t relevent to what’s happening currently. Just because something happened to remind him of a past situation he didn’t like must mean he can blame me for everything that happened, even if i’m not really invovled in these past events. Heck even if i’ve been foregiven for a past mistake, and (i thought) we had moved on, i get torn a new one as if it where the day it happened. Which was over 3 years ago.

Any progress made is ignored, pushed aside, or ‘out weighed’ by the (ie) distractions in a conversation happening repeatedly in the past 6 years. Forgetting (or ignoring) that the day previous i wasn’t distracted while talking, not even once. I keep getting asked ‘what have you even tried to do?’ Answer: Not get distracted when talking. I get laughed at ‘you do that all the time!’ So i point out my recent success. ‘So what, it will just happen tomorrow’ or ‘so what its happened more then 50 miliion time in the last 6 years’. (Not caring about only being diagnosed less then 2 years ago). I get nothing for what progress i make, no wonder it don’t stick. I have tried to point out the way he is make it harder, sets my up to fail, and there’s to much negitivity, he should look at the positive. But no, ADD is all me, so he doesn’t need to do a thing. FML.

I try to do so much, but none of it matters, I don’t matter. I’m fighting a battle where i’m out numbered 10 to 1, if this wear a real war i would of died a long time ago. Apparently my ADD behaviours make me the #1 worlds worst mom, that’s great then cause they’ll be better off with out me too.

I don’t know how much more i can take.

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