[Hadley Richarde Earabino]

Dear Eagerhelper,

I’m impressed by your determination to help your boyfriend, the drive to improve your relationship, and the thorough exploration of the problem. You might consider a career in the counseling fields, if you aren’t in one already!

It sounds like your boyfriend is suffering from a sex addiction, and his drug of choice is Strippers/Strip Clubs.

Sex addiction can take many forms. People can become addicted to porn, compulsive masturbation, prostitution, voyeurism, exhibitionism, anonymous sex, bath houses, massage parlors, sadomasochistic behavior, among others.

It can be defined as an addiction when repeated attempts to stop the behavior fail, despite the negative consequences.

Consequences can include financial damage (“he’s lost tons of cash,” “been in deep financial trouble for years,” “is living with his mom”), public embarrassment, loss of friends or supportive relationships (if he doesn’t change, he might lose you, for instance), family conflict, health consequences (he could be at risk of acquiring STDs), loss of employment, among others. He’s also suffering from sexual shame, as he tries to hide his behavior from you, and maybe others.

Partners of sex addicts can be affected by the addiction in a number of ways, and body image issues are common. No flirtation, not initiating sex, distant and distracted sex, yawning and chewing nails during sex–all these would make any partner feel rejected. You may feel insecure about your body and start to compare yourself to others. You might even start to think about changing your body to please him–might even consider having surgery. You might feel as though you’re not a good lover since he’s always looking elsewhere. These are all common responses to partners who are sexually addicted in this way.

What ends up happening, if the sexually addicted partner doesn’t seek treatment, is you’ll start to feel traumatized. You’ll have problems trusting him, and maybe other partners in the future. You’ll start to feel emotionally distant from him. The trust in the relationship will be damaged. You may stop sharing your sexual feelings with him. You might start to feel there is something wrong with you sexually. You might stop feeling aroused by him, or might lose interest in sex in general. If it continues, you may end up feeling betrayed and angry, and start obsessing or plotting payback or revenge.

If he’s having sexual contact with the strippers/dancers, you’re at risk of contracting an STD, so you’re putting your health at risk.

Often the partner of a sex addict is a survivor of abuse him/herself. If you’ve suffered physical, sexual or emotional abuse as a child, or as an adult, or suspect you might have, this might be a good time to get some intensive group and individual therapy.

The good news is that sex addiction is treatable, as is ADHD–which seems to be a contributing factor. It’s also a great time to discover your many gifts outside of your sexuality–to learn about your value as a human being, and not just a sexual being. It can be a huge growth opportunity–if you can avoid the anger/resentment loop!

Anyway, I’m glad the Strattera is helping. The issue may resurface. In any case, I’d recommend you look into a 12-step group for family members of sex addicts, like COSA or CODA. (Information and links below)

Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous (COSA)
National Services
(763) 537-6904

Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA)
P.O. Box 670861
Dallas, TX 75367-0861
(602) 277-7991
(706) 648-6868
http://www.codependents.org

Warmest regards,

Hadley Earabino

hello [at] hadleycoaches [dot] com
 

 

 

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