[jancave]

@dithl

Thank you for both the support and perspective.  I reread my original post and realize the ridiculousness of his comments.  I look forward to forgetting his entire conversation.  😉  It really is a relief I don’t have to deal with him or his mommy anymore.  He used to work for me and his was the only mother who would call me on the phone and yell at me about his work load.  That woman has yelled at me for 25 years and I don’t have to listen anymore. Yay!

@sdwa was right, this is a good place to be real.  And it’s been snowing here in Midwest, US for a couple of days.  We are supposed to get almost 14 inches of snow depending on lake effect snow.   I was pleasantly surprised that my neighbor has plowed the driveway.  So being supported, a plowed driveway and a new beginnings are great ways to start the new year.

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[jancave]

@sdwa

Thanks, I kinda prefer alone.  And I appreciate the comment about being real here.  I had two friends left; both were offered books or a loan of ADD and Loving it and both refused and instead offered advice on ‘trying harder’ so I could fix myself.  So it seemed just a matter of time.

 

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[jancave]

I had a very recent epiphany that I’ve spent most of my life putting others first in the hope they would like me and assuming they would.  They didn’t.  I started putting (or loving) myself first and they still didn’t like me.  But I like myself now.  It’s a good place to start.  Me and my soul will be just fine.

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[jancave]

Thanks blackdog,  I feel heard, that helps a lot.  All the reasons listed that my soul was incapable of love were all ADHD stuff.  I had offered him a book to skim to help him understand but he wasn’t interested.  One positive part of ADHD is that the meds make me more focused and I’m better at saying ‘no’ to things  I don’t want to do.

This is is a good place.  Twenty years of doctors and no one caught this.  Nine minutes into an appointment with a new doctor he brings it up.  I said no, not possible, I’m too old.  Then I saw Rick Green on PBS and was stunned.   Went back to the doctor, said I have ADHD.  He smiled and said, I know.

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[jancave]

Hi Jo – thanks for the encouragement.  I’ve been thinking about things that are both ADHD and habits lately.  I’ve been watching all the webinars on here and they have been so helpful.  I also get migraines and have anxiety issues and then to find out about ADHD for a while was too much.  Big pity party for a while.  I’m always losing things and have five dog leashes I can never find, etc.  One day I bought this cute shelf with hook on it that I hung by the door and as I come and go I hang my keys, the dog’s collar and leash, my sunglasses and important mail goes on the little shelf.  I’ve wasted so much money but this little shelf saves me many times a day.

Diagnosis was either really fast or really long depending on perspective.  I had been seeing a psychiatrist for 18 years and he never noticed.  He treated depression, anxiety, the migraines and other assorted things.  I decided to try a new doctor and during our first conversation he asked if anyone had ever mentioned ADD and told me what he said that led him to mention it.  I said no, and that the anxiety was a bigger deal right now so let deal with that.  I really didn’t know anything about ADD.  I don’t have kids.   Shortly after that local PBS ran Rick’s ADD/ADHD documentary and like so many other people I sat stunned while I watched my life presented on PBS.   I went back to the new doctor the next time and told him about the PBS show and said I have ADHD.  And he smiled and said I know.  So the first doctor, 18 years and he never got it, second doctor, nine minutes.   I’m taking a generic version of Concerta.  My whole thought process is different and I’m still getting used to it.  On the meds, I’m more focused usually but it seems that on days like today which has been very stressful, I’m not so focused.  The doctor said there were other meds I could try.  I wanted stick with one for a while, I’m truly not sure what I’m supposed to feel like.  I still have the anxiety and take clorazepate for that.  It seems like the anxiety has increased but I don’t know if that’s because of the meds or my different cognitive processing or I’m just scared about all this.  In one of the videos I’ve watched it said that people who are diagnosed late in life develop a world in their head to cope with the reality around them.  The Concerta takes that world away and that’s scary to not have that anymore.  Things are so different and I don’t have that comforting place anymore.  I sit outside in the evenings to wind down from the day and that used to be calming.  But now I know that’s when the Concerta is wearing off so instead of feeling calmer my brain is firing up again and I’m not calmer.  I’m probably not a good source of how the meds are working because it’s all so new and I’m overwhelmed and I’m not even sure the Concerta is the medication I will stay with.  I know I don’t hold in things so much.  I told a former friend to f**k off this morning in an angry text exchange.  That’s not was never my style.

So thanks for the support and kind words and I wish you well on your journey.

Janice

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