Your soul is incapable of love

[jancave]

I’m newly diagnosed ADHD. BTW, for how long do I get to say “I’m new”?   I’m a talker, a friend has dealt with it for a long time.  He is not very good at keeping commitments but PROMISED a deadline and he set the deadline.  There was a couple other issues well-timed to add to my upset.  I wrote my anger in an email.  I was so careful to stay on topic, not go after his character just the specifics of my anger.  The deadline has to do with a legal issue.   It was important for me.   His response began with the remark about my soul being incapable of love and a listing of everything he’s ever done for me  and an analysis of my character or lack thereof.  His opening comment did hurt, though I’m not surprised.  Side story is his mother is very possessive but I didn’t think I was a threat to her as we are not a romantic couple.  But she makes an effort to sabotage any plans we make.   I’m sure she helped him write the response.  He’s 50 years old,  she said no dog because she’s  busy with her boyfriend.  She’s also made him promise to never marry so he can take care of her.  Did I mention he’s 50 years old?   I told him I’d help with the dog because he enjoyed it so much.  That really pissed her off.  So I knew the end was coming but he was my last friend, such as it was.  So much childishness that it’s a relief its over.  Yet his mean words really hurt.  I’m in a place of accepting the ADHD,  I understand now why my own family turned away.   I understand that I can make changes.   I think I’m a little scared.  I’ve never been quite this alone.   I’m afraid I won’t be able to learn to make friends.  There aren’t any support groups in my area.   I’m afraid he’s right, that my soul isn’t capable of love, I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced it.   Family of origin considered it a weakness.  Well now I’m sounding pitiful so I will stop.  Did help to write it out.

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[blackdog]

How long do you get to say “I’m new”? Just as long as you like. Every day is new. You are constantly learning and changing and every day you are a new person.

I can’t really give any advice when it comes to making friends. I don’t have any. Talking to people online is one way to make things a little less lonely and meet people that you have things in common with. Plus it’s anonymous and you have time to think about what you want to say, which can help if you have a habit of sticking your foot in your mouth like I do.

Support groups are hard to find. There are none where I live either. But TADD is like a support group. It’s a a non judgemental environment where you can safely express yourself and chat with other people who understand what it’s like to live with ADHD. And it’s a great source of information too.

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[jancave]

Thanks blackdog,  I feel heard, that helps a lot.  All the reasons listed that my soul was incapable of love were all ADHD stuff.  I had offered him a book to skim to help him understand but he wasn’t interested.  One positive part of ADHD is that the meds make me more focused and I’m better at saying ‘no’ to things  I don’t want to do.

This is is a good place.  Twenty years of doctors and no one caught this.  Nine minutes into an appointment with a new doctor he brings it up.  I said no, not possible, I’m too old.  Then I saw Rick Green on PBS and was stunned.   Went back to the doctor, said I have ADHD.  He smiled and said, I know.

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[jancave]

I had a very recent epiphany that I’ve spent most of my life putting others first in the hope they would like me and assuming they would.  They didn’t.  I started putting (or loving) myself first and they still didn’t like me.  But I like myself now.  It’s a good place to start.  Me and my soul will be just fine.

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[sdwa]

@jancave

Anyone who tells you your soul is incapable of love is just being ridiculous. That’s a terrible thing to say to anyone. The fact that you care proves it’s wrong. Someone who was really incapable wouldn’t care what anyone thought, or how anyone felt about them or about anything else.

I can relate to the desire to please other people and be what they want – rather than be myself or care for my own needs. It’s too tiring to seek approval, and too frustrating not to get it. I never seem to fit in.

I struggle with social connections…I’m just more comfortable when I’m by myself or people I know well, one on one. Group situations cause a lot of stress. I feel like I’m supposed to be different from who I am, and that people are judging me, expecting me to be different in ways I don’t understand. I find most people to be pretty judgmental – they make assumptions. Anyway, I can appreciate those feelings of being alone.

You are not alone with feeling alone. And you can be real about what’s true for you here.

😉

 

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[jancave]

@sdwa

Thanks, I kinda prefer alone.  And I appreciate the comment about being real here.  I had two friends left; both were offered books or a loan of ADD and Loving it and both refused and instead offered advice on ‘trying harder’ so I could fix myself.  So it seemed just a matter of time.

 

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[sdwa]

@jancave

In my opinion, few people try harder than those with ADHD. We’re already operating at maximum capacity just to get through the day.

I get crap like that from people, too – that I should change and be someone else. At this point in my life, I don’t see it happening, so I’d rather be around people who are fine with me as I am.

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[dithl]

@jancave – cool new doc, that’s a great story. “I’m new here” will last as long as you want it to because a) there is a good chance you will forget you signed up, then come back in a half-year or so, then it will be new again (done that!). And b) there is a good chance that most of us will forget that you already said you were new. Just one of benefit of quirky ADD memory – so much is “new again”, every day :-). And as to the “incapable of love” – wow. Hopefully it will be funny some day. Because ya. Ridiculous.
@sdwa – “In my opinion, few people try harder than those with ADHD. We’re already operating at maximum capacity just to get through the day.”Yup.

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[jancave]

@dithl

Thank you for both the support and perspective.  I reread my original post and realize the ridiculousness of his comments.  I look forward to forgetting his entire conversation.  😉  It really is a relief I don’t have to deal with him or his mommy anymore.  He used to work for me and his was the only mother who would call me on the phone and yell at me about his work load.  That woman has yelled at me for 25 years and I don’t have to listen anymore. Yay!

@sdwa was right, this is a good place to be real.  And it’s been snowing here in Midwest, US for a couple of days.  We are supposed to get almost 14 inches of snow depending on lake effect snow.   I was pleasantly surprised that my neighbor has plowed the driveway.  So being supported, a plowed driveway and a new beginnings are great ways to start the new year.

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[blackdog]

@sdwa That was a huge “aha” moment for me, the day I realized that I really am working as hard as I can.  I remember a teacher telling me I would have to try harder once. I replied that I was doing my best. She said “Well, you’ll have to do better”. How can someone do better than their best?

@dithl I guess it helps to keep us from getting bored when we can discover the same “new” things over and over again. 🙂

@jancave That sounds like a very good start to the new year.

I am starting off my new year in a good way by not killing my husband today. I decided it can wait until tomorrow. 😉

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

So much good stuff here. What I love, is how things that seem so awful one day, never stay that way. They fade. Things change. A spouse storms out, saying  “I’ll never speak to you again!” and a week later they’re agreeing to go to couple’s therapy.

Saying your soul is incapable of love?… Well, that says more about the other person than you. And it gives you a hint at how upset-hurt-angry-disappointed-scared they are. And good idea to wait a day @blackdog. Sometimes that makes a difference. 😉

 

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[jancave]

@Rick

Thank you for the perspective.  I am reminded of a poem I forgot a long time ago.  It’s short yet packed full of wisdom:

“Everything I say and do is a statement about me and not about you”

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[mbadd]

“Your soul is incapable of love” is just a mean thing to say. It says a lot about the person who said it, but nothing about you (except that this is a relationship you may really want to look at and see if it helpful to you.)

The ADHD stuff is hard to live with for a non-ADDer. That said, there are a lot of non-ADDer traits that I find hard to live with!!

When people tell me to try harder, I usually just smile, and in my head change the comment to “try smarter” or “try differently”. We are already trying as hard as we can!

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[jancave]

@mbadd

What he said was mean, there were a lot of mean things written in the email.  What I found puzzling was that the stuff written were not his style and read like they were based on hearsay.  I think his mother either wrote it or was very involved.   I don’t need that in my life.

On a brighter side another person has reappeared and shown an interest in learning more about my ADD.  She wants to have lunch so I asked if she would be willing to come to my house and we could watch the video together.  I’m hopeful

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[kc5jck]

I can’t believe it!  Someone with an open mind willing to learn more.

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