Hi boys and girls would you like a Christmas story?   Well too bad just listen.

twas the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was on time not even my spouse.  The stockings were half-up the gifts were half wrapped coz the scissors and tape were buried neath crap.

The children were glued to their laptops by God while visions of new apps danced on iPods.

And mamma in her kerchief and still in pajamas had just settled her brain which was going bananas.

When out on the lawn and there arose such a clutter of lawn chairs and car parts and my rusting grass cutter.  Away to the window I flew like a flash tore my shin on an old box and made a deep gash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow made me think of a cow then an old TV show.  When what to my wondering eyes should appear but the memory of shoes I had misplaced last year.  Also where I’d left that new wooden broomstick oh and look there are cows and oh look there st. Nick!

More rapid than Eagles his coursers they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.  On Dasher and dancer now whatchamacallit on Cupid on comet oops forgot my wallet.

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, but he rushed without checking and took a great fall.

As my thoughts that before wild Hurricane Fly I should do my taxes or at least I should try.

Did you see that movie or what was I saying?  alright old st. Nick and his reindeer were slaying.

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof some tools I’d left they’re being kicked by a hoof.  As I drew in my head thoughts came in a bunch, so I miss Santa land I was so out to lunch.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes were tarnished with ashes and soot.  The bundle of toys he had flung on his shoulder looked quite a mess like my bills in file folders. His eyes how they twinkled his dimples how merry.  Like that guy that I knew what’s his name Bob or Larry?

Santa’s droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow which reminded me once moreof that old TV show.

Reeth of the smoke from his pipe made him blink but he explained that the nicotine helped him to think.  In his hand was a coffee and a second one waiting and a joint and a vodka it’s called self-medicating.

He was chubby and plump a right jolly old chap and we laughed when he tripped on a pile of crap he told me I have ADHD in my head I said me to Santa it’s nothing to dread. He spoke not a word for a second or less then uttered non-stop piling gifts on our mess and checking the pockets of all of his clothes and giving a nod up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh to his team gave a whistle and away they all flew like the down of a thistle but I heard him exclaim as he soared on the breeze.

Happy Christmas to all, oh damn where are my keys?

Merry Christmas Happy Holidays Happy New Year and have a good Boxing Day