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go to http://www.meetup.com. type in something you’re interested in… sewing, climbing, coffee, movies, whatever…
and hopefully there is a meetup group in your area. i have found this site to be the best place to find people with a common interest.
they are all over the world. and they even have meetup groups for playdates with kids. for stay at home moms, working moms, crafty moms… you name it. and best of all… it’s FREE!!! with the small amount that actually charge for dues or playdate events. i think this is a way to start, b/c at least you have a common interest with the folks that you are meeting with. right there is the ice breaker solved. and then there is the fact that you can be choosey. you don’t HAVE to stick to one group (perfect for us ADDers). go check it out!
personally i don’t have your problem (not that i’m trying to depress you); my problem is that i’m constantly meeting new people and then that’s all i want to do, is be interested in them (then there’s the ever so annoying “uhm , i just don’t have the evergy to be your friend” comment i occasionally get, ouch!). those that i truly do care to continue the friendship just happen to stick around and we become really good friends. there have been many times, where i’ve made an acquaintance with a mom or a person, that i thought i’d really like being around and then it turned out that either i or them had a problem with each other’s personality, so we kind of just stopped communicating or making an effort to see each other. funny thing is, that when that happens, i’m all about not taking it personally, b/c i know i’m not perfect and not EVERYONE is going to like me.
good luck! let me know if you find something.
REPORT ABUSEI want to second Veronica’s suggestion on using meetup.com. I’ve had very few friends in my life because I suck at small-talk. I find it next to impossible to talk about “nothing.” The problem is my interests are so unusual that I don’t often meet people like minded. Meetup.com really helped there.
I also want to second JayBird’s recommendations of books. This is an often overlooked area of impairment in ourselves because we don’t recognize it as an impairment unless someone else points it out. We have no context in which to compare ourselves (since our only friends tend to be people like us) so we fail to notice how different we are socially. Many of us have had to teach ourselves to recognize social queues in others as well as social handicaps in ourselves before we can converse with “normals” long enough for them to get to know who we are inside. Once you’ve sent out the “weird” vibe one time it is hard to overcome. It’s difficult for people to get past our awkward exterior personas to find out that we are really great, forgiving, and loyal friends if we have difficulty making good first impressions.
Below is a list of personality types I have noticed in ADDers that tend to make bad impressions in social settings. We have to train ourselves to recognize these social faux pas and correct for them if long lasting friendships is our goal. Before you can develop a friendship the person has to want to talk to you a second or third time.
Socially poor ADHD personality types:
– It’s All About Me –
All people love to talk about themselves. It is the one subject they are the foremost expert on and therefore find it easiest to talk about. The difficulty is knowing when it is okay to make it about yourself or when you should let the other(s) take the lead. The ADDer with problems in this area tend to speak only in terms of “me” or “my.” This is the person who thinks contributing to a conversation is comprised only of telling about their personal experiences with or thoughts on a subject. Sometimes the ADDer is just so desperate to contribute to the conversation they end up trying too hard and become this person. ADDers often don’t recognize when they should be offering supporting comments (“oh you poor dear,” “I can’t believe he did that,” “You were absolutely right to . . .”, etc.) instead of “Me” comments (“Yeah, you know what happened to me once? I . . .”, “I would have . . .,” “When we went there we . . .,”).
From my experience, if you want to make friends with someone try to make the conversation all about them. Try to avoid the “I” word. You won’t succeed (because you have ADD) but you’ll succeed enough to keep them interested in talking to you again. When you do get your turn don’t overdo it. We ADDers tend to be much more open about ourselves than “normals.” Too much intimate detail too early can scare away others so keep your self talk shallow. A good guideline may be to parrot back the same subjects and to the same level of intimacy the other spoke about, only about yourself (that is, if you can remember what the other spoke about
.Another option is to plan out in advance what you’ll say about yourself and how much you’ll say. We ADDers always do better with guidelines so plan ahead. This is subject matter you’ll always use so it doesn’t hurt to prepare even if you don’t get to use it until six months from now.
– The One Track Mind –
Tends to talk only about things he/she is interested in (see description of myself above); or tends to try to pull conversations back to earlier topics that others have already moved on from (usually because a new thought just occurred to him/her and the ADDer can’t stop the impulsive need to verbalize it}.
– The Interrupter –
This is the ADDer who is so eager to say what he/she needs to say that they can’t stop themselves from interrupting others. This is all about controlling our impulses which is often the hardest thing to do for us ADDers. This person is often the same person as . . .
– The Super-Lung –
This is the person who never seems to take a breath. He/she can talk non-stop about a subject and makes it very difficult for others to contribute to the conversation, often continuing to talk even when someone else tries to interject some input.
– The Know It All –
Everyone knows one of these people. In fact, I have to work hard not to be one of these people. This trait is certainly not exclusive to ADDers but I do notice it often goes along with the “It’s all about me” type. This is the person who knows something about EVERYTHING. They love to correct others even when they’re wrong. If you are talking to someone who has used the word “Actually” to start a sentence more than one time in the conversation, you’re probably talking to a know-it-all.
– The Day Dreamer –
This the person who is looking around the room while someone is speaking to them. This is a very common one in ADDers. For some it takes a massive amount of will power to ignore all those distractions and continue to look the speaker in the face. WE know we are still paying attention while looking around the room but the speaker just thinks we’re rude.
– The Scatter Brain –
This is the opposite of the One-Track-Mind. This is the ADDer whose mind is whirling with so many thoughts he/she will often just blurt them out as they pop into his/her head. They think they are offering something interesting to the conversation (and usually they are), but they often do it in the wrong context (like bringing up your great new leather boots at a PETA rally) or they offer they through it out abruptly with no segue from the previous topic.
I know there’s more but that’s all I can think of right now. I think I’ll start another thread to see what other types others may have noticed.
Anyway, if you try to be conscious of these stumbling blocks you’ll do much better at making good first and second impressions and therefore getting the chance to build a friendship.
Good luck,
WW
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No FriendsJust Me2010-05-06T05:51:59+00:00
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