What you may be doing that keeps you from making friends

[Anonymous]

POOR SOCIAL SKILLS. We ADDers often overlook this area of impairment in ourselves because we don’t recognize it as an impairment unless someone else points it out. We have no context in which to compare ourselves (since our only friends tend to be people like us) so we fail to notice how different we are socially. Many of us have had to teach ourselves to recognize social queues in others, as well as social handicaps in ourselves before we can converse with “normals” long enough for them to get to know who we are inside. It’s difficult for people to get past our awkward exterior personas to find out that we are really fun, forgiving, and loyal friends if they take the time to get to know us. Getting the chance to develop a friendship often comes down to first impressions (or second or third). If you don’t make a good impression early on you’re unlikely to get a second chance. Once you’ve sent out that “he’s weird” vibe it’s probably over.

I’ve had very few friends in my life. I think mostly because I suck at small-talk. I find it next to impossible to talk about “nothing” as I see it. The problem is my interests are so unusual that I don’t often meet people who are like-minded. In spite of that, I’ve managed to make one or two close friends and keep them. When I found out that, statistically, it is very common for adults with ADD to have few or no friends I became curious and started paying attention to myself and others with ADD to see what makes us different socially.

[BTW – the very young with ADD also tend to have few or no friends (most likely because of the hyper element combined with their undeveloped self control), but most ADDers do fine socially in Junior High and High School. Probably because they’ve learned to channel the hyperness into something and they’ve developed better self control. That compounded with people forced to deal with them daily whether they make a good first impression or not allows others to get to know them over time and learn the “real you.” Also, the overall immaturity level of high school students makes your “faults” more forgivable. In fact, they may even make you the class clown.]

Below is a list of personality types I have noticed in ADDers that tend to make poor impressions in social settings. If making friends is one’s goal we have to train ourselves to recognize these social faux pas and correct for them. Before you can develop a friendship the person has to want to talk to you a second or third time.

Socially poor ADHD personality types:

– It’s All About Me –

All people love to talk about themselves. It is the one subject we are foremost experts on and therefore find it easiest to talk about. The difficulty is knowing when it is okay to make it about yourself or when you should let the other(s) take the lead. The ADDer with problems in this area tends to speak only in terms of “me” or “my.” This is the person who thinks contributing to a conversation is comprised only of telling about their personal experiences with, or thoughts on, a subject. ADDers often don’t recognize when they should be offering supporting comments (“oh you poor dear,” “I can’t believe he did that,” “You were absolutely right to . . .”, etc.) instead of “Me” comments (“Yeah, you know what happened to me once? I . . .”, “I would have . . .,” “When we went there we . . .,”).

From my experience, if you want to make friends with someone try to make the conversation all about them. Try to avoid the “I” word. You won’t succeed (because you have ADD) but you’ll succeed enough to keep them interested in talking to you again.

When you do get your turn don’t overdo it. We ADDers tend to be much more open about ourselves than “normals.” Too much intimate detail too early can scare away others. A good guideline may be to parrot back the same subjects and to the same level of intimacy the other spoke about, only about yourself (that is, if you can remember what the other spoke about .

Another option is to plan out in advance what you’ll say about yourself and how much you’ll say. We ADDers always do better with guidelines. This is subject matter you’ll always use so it doesn’t hurt to prepare even if you don’t get to use it until six months from now.

– The One Track Mind –

Tends to talk only about things he/she is interested in (see description of myself above); or tends to try to pull conversations back to earlier topics that others have already moved on from (usually because a new thought just occurred to him/her and the ADDer can’t stop the impulsive need to verbalize it}.

– The Interrupter –

This is the ADDer who is so eager to say what he/she needs to say that they can’t stop themselves from interrupting others. It is all about controlling our impulses which is often the hardest thing to do for us ADDers.

– The Super-Lung –

Often combined with The Interrupter, this is the person who never seems to take a breath. He/she can talk non-stop about a subject and makes it very difficult for others to contribute to the conversation, often continuing to talk even when someone else tries to interject.

– The Know It All –

Everyone knows one of these people. In fact, I have to work hard not to be one of these people. This trait is certainly not exclusive to ADDers but I do notice it often goes along with the “It’s all about me” type. This is the person who knows something about EVERYTHING. They love to correct others even when they’re wrong. If you are talking to someone who has used the word “Actually” to start a sentence more than one time in the conversation, you’re probably talking to a know-it-all.

– The Day Dreamer –

This the person who is looking around the room while someone is speaking to them. This is a very common one in ADDers. For some it takes a massive amount of will power to ignore all those distractions and continue to look the speaker in the face. WE know we are still paying attention but the speaker just thinks we’re rude.

– The Scatter Brain –

This is the opposite of the One-Track-Mind. This is the ADDer whose mind is whirling with so many thoughts he/she will often just blurt them out as they pop into his/her head. They think they are offering something interesting to the conversation (and usually they are), but they tend do it in the wrong context (like bragging about your great new leather boots at a PETA rally) or they through it out abruptly with no segue from the previous topic. BUTTERSCOTCH!

I know there’s more but that’s all I can think of right now. If you have others, please reply. I find it funny to list them but at the same time you might be bringing to light a trait someone isn’t aware of in themselves that may be limiting their social success.

Anyway, if you try to be conscious of these stumbling blocks you’ll do much better at making good first and second impressions and therefore getting the chance to build a friendship.

Good luck,

WW

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[Saffron]

Such a crucial topic, with excellent points. I’ll add one, although it’s a variation on those you’ve already covered:

– The “Tangential” Storyteller –

Do people look fearful of the time when you begin to relate an anecdote? Work on keeping to what’s relevant in your story, and save all of the “off-shoot thoughts” that come up for another time. Focus on a linear telling rather than on eventually coming full-circle.

I would also emphasize what WW says about not overdoing it when it’s your turn to talk. Many of us likely have friends who love us but who sometimes hesitate to ask us about ourselves — because they don’t know how long our response will go on. These same loved ones may not be able to call you as often as they’d like, because they know they need to set extra time aside to do so. If you can get these friends and family members used to “a more concise you,” you’ll often begin to hear from them much more.

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[Patte Rosebank]

High school is where kids start to really value the iconoclasts. And you don’t get much more iconoclastic than the class clown, who subverts authority by cracking jokes and being silly. If you can channel that into things like Drama Club and writing smart-aleck columns in the school newspaper or yearbook, that’s even better, because it means you won’t get detentions for acting up in class.

Sometimes, you’re lucky enough to get a teacher who’s similarly iconoclastic. I had several of them, and we’d crack jokes together. I had an Art teacher who was Canadian, but spoke Russian, and when you speak one Slavic language, you can understand the rest of them. So when someone in class did something stupid, the teacher would make a smart-aleck comment in Russian, and I’d respond with one in Ukrainian, and my best friend would respond with one in Slovakian. And the three of us would giggle like idiots, while the rest of the class wondered what the hell was so funny.

Another teacher cultivated an “ogre” persona. When I was in Grade 10, the yearbook committee asked each teacher what they’d wanted to be when they were 5. There were the usual answers of “fireman”, “ballerina”, “6”… This particular teacher’s answer was “Communist dictator”.

Yep, High School was where I really became known as the Comedy Girl, and having teachers like that sure encouraged me! Even so, I had (and have) many acquaintances, but a very small circle of friends. And that’s just great with me!

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[Anonymous]

eimat said: “I think some of us found some friends in high school because there were just more kids, and we had a greater chance of running into some who either had ADHD too”

The problem with many ADDers I have met (including myself) is the very personality quirks we have that drive others crazy also drive us crazy. It makes for a difficult situation because we all want to meet and talk to others who understand what we’re going through but many of them annoy the hell out of us. Think about it. Can you imagine two “Know-it-alls” trying to have a conversation? Or an “Interrupter” with a “Super-Lung”? I’ve had to learn to keep my mouth shut, be polite, and show respect to other ADDers I talk to at meet-ups even though inside they’re DRIVING ME CRAZY! I just keep reminding myself that it’s an ADD thing, not their fault, and that I’m sure there are many I drive crazy with my eccentricities.

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[Saffron]

Ha! A Ukrainian! *fist bump* Larynxa, I knew there must be some stray reason I identify with the way you write. Can’t speak it myself, but grew up listening to my mom and extended family speaking Old Country.

Now—back to our scheduled topic…

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[Anonymous]

I thought of another one. This came to me when I did it jokingly to my wife because I know it drives her crazy. It is really a subset of – The Interrupter – but I felt it needed its own mention because we’ve all encountered this person.

– The Sentence Finisher –

This is the person who’s brain is racing so fast that everyone else seems to be talking in slow motion. Every time someone else starts a sentence this person will finish it as soon as he/she thinks they know what the speaker is going to say. Even though only seconds may have passed in reality, to the ADDer, once they know the point, the rest of the sentence just drags on and on until they can’t stand it and have to finish the sentence for the speaker so they can move on to the next point.

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[Anonymous]

Just wanted to give a shout out of my own to the Ukrainians – having grown up on pyrohi and borscht!

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[purlgurl]

Woot woot! Fellow Uke here (well…1/2…mom’s side is typical WASP).

This is something that I really wish teachers, and my parents, had paid more attention to when I was in elementary school (the “having no friends” thing) – I feel like they minimized the significance of my only having 1 or 2 friends, and they really weren’t helpful with bullying (“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me?” Yeah, actually, the names were worse, thanks). I wish that I hadn’t been 28 when I was diagnosed, and I understand that girls/women with ADHD is still an under-knowledged area, but I can’t help but think that if someone had picked up on the problematic social relations, and had put that together with my insanely messy desk/backpack/bedroom/locker/etc. that it might have been diagnosed sooner.

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[Ivriniel]

Right here we’re seeing evidence of that thing about ADHD having a higher prevalence in the Ukraine…

(For the record, I’m not Ukrainian, Swiss/German by way of Pennsylvania on one side, English, Irish and Scottish on the other.)

Here’s something I found really helpful for me in terms of making friends. Find clubs or group activities that you’re interested in. If you have trouble making small talk, then the interests of group provide something to talk about.

Meetup.com is a great tool for that. For myself, I used Meetup to discover a monthly Doctor Who get together in downtown Toronto, and made a lot of friends that way.

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[Ivriniel]

Purlgirl: I hear you. Sticks and stones followed up with “Well, go play somewhere else.” I would really like to know where this magical somewhere else was were I could go, and the bullies couldn’t follow. I used to daydream about the final Chapter of C.S. Lewis’ Silver Chair, where Aslan and Caspian come to Jill and Eustace’s school and scare the total crap out of the bullies.

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[wolfshades]

This is an excellent post, wrong_writer! Don’t know how I missed reading it before.

There’s another aspect to “the interrupter” – sometimes, we interrupt not because we think we have something better to say. It’s because we’re so keenly aware of people in general that we find some of them predictable. So, while someone is struggling to come to the end of his sentence, we often intuitively know where they’re going so we end up interrupting by offering up the final few words of his thought. In some cases, it’s appreciated but in some others (and I can think of some occasions where I’ve done this) there is resentment.

We just want the thought to end so that we can continue on with something else. Ahh. I’ve thought about apologizing for this behaviour, but …to what end? I’m too easily bored. I accept that. *grin*

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[Patte Rosebank]

So why is it that the Ukraine seems to have one of the highest incidences of ADHD in the world? Is it the fallout from Chernobyl, or is it due to genetics?

Maybe Dr. J. can answer this one.

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[Ivriniel]

My (mostly silly) theory is, there was some Cossack with ADHD gene(s) that helped him stay alive during one of the many upheavals in what is now the Ukraine’s past, so he had lots of kids, who had the gene, etc…

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[Anonymous]

Thanks wolfshades. I actually tacked it on later (see the seventh post from the top). I called that person The Sentence Finisher but you are right. They really are a subset of The interrupter.

I think it is kind of ironic that many of the responses here illustrate some of the personality quirks of ADD. In this one thread there are, according to my count, three different conversations going on. Like, how did this thread become about the Ukraine? I’ll have to think of a name for that one.

Love you all,

WW

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[Patte Rosebank]

Wrong_Writer, I think it’s an example of “madly off in all directions”, from the sentence “He jumped on his horse and rode madly off in all directions”, from one of Stephen Leacock’s stories. Supposedly, it’s nonsensical because it’s only possible to ride in ONE direction at a time. I, on the other hand, always thought it made perfect sense, as I pictured horse and rider weaving all over the place at a mad gallop, like in a cartoon. I think that’s what Leacock had in mind when he wrote it.

Or it could just be summed up as “typical internet forum”.

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