What you may be doing that keeps you from making friends

[gforcewarp9]

Hey–

Thanks,

I forgot to mention a few other postitive social attributes: funny! Lot’s of a.d.d.er’s are just down right pee your pants funny, and I’ve found that people almost always apreciate that. Unless of course, it’s at their expense. Seriously, some of the funniest people I have ever known have a.d.d. A few other positives to add to the list are: genuine, empathetic and despite our motor mouths, genuinely interested in people! (once we reign in the talking about ourselves, which I think is really a nervous habit. I catch myself doing it when I feel really self-concious.) And last but not least, down to earth. In fact, I don’t think I’ve met a single a.d.d.er’ I didn’t like, for all the above reasons! I’ve run in what can be some pretty darn pretensious circles, and that being said, if there is one thing I just can’t stand, it’s pretensious people. I’m hard pressed to think of a single a.d.d.er, no matter what scene in which they may run, who is pretensious. Usually, a.d.d.er’s are very genuine, and I love that. So, while we should all be looking out for pit-falls in our social interactions, lets remember the positives.

Also, I should qualify all of this by saying that I definitely had to work on my social skills. When I was in my 20’s, a couple friends just straight up told me that they were frustrated because whenever they wanted to talk about something, I managed to turn the conversation back to myself. This was before I was even diagnosed. So, as hard as it was for me to hear, I made a real effort to listen and reflect back to people what they were saying. I do not always succeed to this day, but dang it, I do try! A trick I’ve learned is that, whenever I run in to someone, I make a point to ask them about themselves, compliment them in some way (I like your hair, your shoes, your bag, your new tattoo, whatever!) usually starts a conversation about them. Also, If I know them at all, I try to remember what they were doing in their lives the last time I saw them, and I ask them about it —but, I’m 40, and I’ve had to make a downright concerted effort on all fronts. I mean, I used to just have a @#%%^! you attitude. You don’t like me well who cares. Now that I’m older, that old shoe doesn’t fit so well, but at the same time, the more you accept yourself, the more others will accept you to. At least I hope!

I say all this like maybe I have it all figured out, but I don’t. My life’s been a real work in progress and I still screw up lots, and I still struggle with feelings of inadequecy on and off. So I say all the above as a reminder to myself as well.

I just want all of us to stop feeling so bad and wierd and awkward all the time.

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[Anonymous]

@143Sherri: I would say that is me; I have always had a hard time articulating what I want to say. Things never come out right, and then I am embarrassed when others misinterpret what I had originally intended.

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[Anonymous]

bricolage – From my experience it doesn’t matter how well you articulate yourself. With some exceptions, most people don’t think objectively. By age 30 or so most people’s personalities, belief systems, biases, preconceptions, prejudices, etc. have formed and settled and no matter how well you express yourself they will interpret your words through the filter of their preconceptions and prejudices and rarely hear what you actually want to convey (of course this depends on the complexity of the subject and the context in which it is being told). I don’t mean to imply that everyone is close-minded, only that it becomes more difficult to get them to understand your point if it contradicts an entrenched preconception. They may sincerely try and want to understand but how you perceive the point in your mind may not fit into their elemental understanding of things. Not knowing your minds are thinking on different wavelengths, they can only assume you think like them and therefore are trying to explain it on their wavelength and you are doing the same and not understanding why they aren’t getting it.

I consider myself well spoken, intelligent, a good critical thinker, and a good debater. I am very knowledgeable about Adult ADHD, what the symptoms are, what is happening in the brain to cause those symptoms, and most importantly, I’m very knowledgeable about the scientific evidence proving the neurological causes of ADHD as well as the scientific evidence disproving the many myths surrounding ADHD. I can describe the specific areas of the brain involved, explain the roles they play in a “normal” brain and how they carry out that role, and I can explain how the symptoms seen in people with ADHD are caused by the inability of those areas of the brain to do their job properly. I can and I have done so dozens of times for friends, family, and others. And yet, to the best of my knowledge, the best I’ve been able to accomplish is my wife and one or two others accepting ADHD has a neurological cause. Everyone else, no matter how well explained, no matter how much evidence I provided, continue to believe it is psycho-babel and/or excuse making. Even my wife, who has supported and stood by me through many hardships still gets angry and accuses me of making excuses or not listening to her if I forget something or don’t get something done because I’ve been in a hyper-focus trance for five hours straight without even realizing it. None of these people are stupid or jerks or just don’t like me. They just have preconceptions of how things are supposed to work and I’m telling them, essentially, they are wrong.

My point is, people have preconceptions about everything and sometimes, no matter how well one communicates his message, he’ll still fail to get them to understand. So, don’t always assume it is your failure to communicate that is the problem. As often as not, or more likely, more often than not, the problem is the receiver not the transmitter.

Cheers,

WW

BTW – Preconceptions about the person delivering the message can also get in the way. For example, I have a moderately high IQ and have loved learning everything there is to know about stuff I’m interested in since I was a child. However, because of the ADHD I couldn’t stand school and would skip classes or whole days frequently (usually to stay home and read about things I was interested in). In spite of always getting A’s on my tests and exams I rarely did home work. I got to 11th grade on C and D averages before it finally caught up with me and I ended up dropping out of high school. I got a GED High School diploma and tried to pursue degrees in college three different times over the years but never succeeded. As before, I got A’s in the classes that interested me and F’s or Withdrawals in all other classes. In spite of all that I have educated myself quite well over the years and can hold my own against PhD’s in many subjects. Unfortunately, because of my background and no degree on the wall I have frequently been ignored or had my input dismissed out of hand on the assumption I couldn’t possibly know what I’m talking about. I hate that. It is very frustrating.

WW

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[Anonymous]

just back from a social event…

i’m back to my parent’s country for xmas and went visit this old uni mate at a party where i knew nobody else but him

this post, and some book who also talked about the inability to make small talk, came to mind…

i

could only handle “heavy” subjects with my pal, because at the moment we have nothing common but our university and the fact we’re both enrolled in a phd, and my phd isn’t doing sooo well…

but on another side, i didn’t feel the slightest interest for the others. they are all from a town i have left years ago and where i don’t want to get back, they have no common interests with me, and i’m committed to a romantic relationship so i wouldn’t even consider members of the opposite sex for something else than talking…

i come back with a sense of boredom and if it wasnt for other old friends i’ve seen these days, with more success, i would say that tonight made me feel void.

(but i expected it all)

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[powcat]

WW and everyone else:

thank you for posting your observations and advice!

I am 23 and attend a fine art university. All my peers seem to have tons of friends and enriching social lives, while I, not hideous or mean or selfish, am always found wondering who to call so I don’t have to go to that party or concert alone.

Yes, I get to invited to things, but that hardly means anything in my peers’ Facebook-driven world. to be honest, I find most parties boring in actuality, but I make an effort to go so that people see me around and keep inviting me out and I can make more friends. Sounds pretty sad, huh.

(oh yeah, and does anyone else drink too much at these things and flirt with everyone in sight? is there a personality type for that?)

anyway, I’ve been diagnosed less than two weeks ago and I haven’t put this together with my loneliness until now. I have a couple of friends who love me very much but I think, for the majority, I am a little ‘intense’. I listen pretty well, but I do share too much and too quickly and am kind of haphazard. Loopy.

I just wanted to say thanks for pointing out to me that there’s probably nothing wrong with me besides some non-consequential quirks that make most [boring] people uneasy.

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[Anonymous]

@143Sheri — OMG, OMG!!

You said “Does anybody have a problem that they can never express themselves correctly? Where when you talk, people don’t understand what the heck your talking about and then they say something, and you are like…that’s exactly what I said.”

This has happened to me all the time, for my entire life. It is the most frustating thing and reading your question I copied it, jumped all the way to the reply box and here I am typing. So — what I meant to say was “YES YES YES”. Now I’ll go back and read the intervening posts to see all the others that echo this sentiment. Thank you so much!!

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[Anonymous]

powcat – What you describe does not sound sad, it sounds pretty typical. All of the problems you describe in you post can be chalked up to one of the big three symptoms (most life impacting): impulsivity. Not knowing you I can’t say anything for sure but if I had to guess based on my experiences and what I’ve learned about ADHD Adults and through self-reflection I would bet you tend to be (or to at least speak) impulsive or at least speak impulsively. Drinking lowers our inhibitions resulting in being even MORE impulsive (i.e.. flirting with everyone). You say you’re a “little intense.” I suspect that means you go way deeper into a subject than the average person would in conversation. In other words, you impulsively say what is on your mind with little or no concern in the moment of whether you are overstepping some social boundary most people seem to instinctively know. And the sharing too much, too quickly, is classic impulsiveness.

I’m an “over-sharer” as well and have given up trying to stop myself. I’m too impatient to wait through the weeks, months, or years society requires to reach that “comfort level” in a friendship. I have however learned to tell people right up front that I wear my heart and my thoughts on my sleeve for all to see and they shouldn’t read anything into something I say simply because it isn’t the norm. I say exactly what I mean so if I bring up some event I’ve had with major depression in the past it will be because it is relevant to a point I’m trying to make, not because I’m fishing for pitty or any other reason one may suppose. And that’s just for casual conversations . If I’m debating ideas (philosophy, politics, economics, etc.) I advise that no one should take personal offense at anything I say, because I discuss ideas, not people, and therefore any criticism or counter-point I have is aimed at the subject being debated, not the person I’m debating. Most of my closest friends are people who’s ideas and convictions are often diametrically opposite of mine.

(I’m actually not that wordy in real conversations, I’m just trying to be clear here because the written word is the easiest to misinterpret.)

Pleases keep in mind, this is what I do, not what I suggest you do. I’m in my early forties and am just done with trying to be someone I’m not for the sake of societal norms. I don’t care if someone wants to be my friend or not. I’ve got my close friends who know what to expect from me and I’m happy with that. If I had been this way in my twenties or early thirties those few who became my close lifelong friends would probably not have stuck around long enough to get to know me and I would be a very lonely man today.

You obviously must be liked if you continue to be invited to parties and social events. It is possible your personality makes you very likeable in a group (I predict you can be very funny) but may be a little overwhelming one-on-one or in quieter settings. If that’s the case, being aware can help you adjust to be more mindful of others’ expectations.

I’m just guessing so please don’t assume I have any credibility when offering opinions about your personal affairs. There is no reason to believe anything I have to say about you, your ADHD, or its impact on your life is accurate. That is something you’ll, possibly with the help of honest friends and/or counselors knowledgeable about adult ADHD, have to figure out.

Best wishes,

WW

BTW – Stimulant medication (ritalin, etc.) is often very helpful for individuals with impulse control problems. Something to think about.

WW

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[Anonymous]

Wrong Writer, I am so glad to find this forum and this topic in particular. There is a wealth of good information and food for thought just in this one strand. (Or whatever it’s called. I am new to this.) i copied and pasted your response to bricolage about being understood because I found it so helpful. I have what I consider extreme inattentive type with impulsivity and don’t consider myself especially intelligent. Yet by self-medicating with caffeine I was able to complete undergraduate study majoring in Psychology. While taking Effexor, (an SSRI) and Adderall, I was able to complete a graduate degree in Mental Health Counseling. (Not that it has done me any good, but that is a subject for another topic.) I crave this kind of stimulation. I am also thrilled to find a venue where I don’t have to worry about embarrassing myself by posting something that seems like a good idea, but is not well received because it is too open or doesn’t make as much sense to others as it did to me. Thanks!

DebbyE

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[powcat]

WW: thank you! I appreciate that bit of advice and wisdom. trying out concerta currently, so we’ll see what happens!

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[Anonymous]

Hey DebbyE and Powcat,

Thank you both for the kind words. I’m thankful for this forum to have someplace to air out my thoughts. Real day-to-day life rarely provides the opportunity to REALLY talk about what’s on one’s mind.

Thank you DebbyE for forwarding that to Bricolage.

Cheers,

WW

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[billd]

Powcat hit home with a comment – “a little intense” – I’ve been called that more than once. A lot more than once……

Maybe now I know why…..

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[Author]

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