Carrying a Guilt

[Anonymous]

I know there has been discussion about ADHD and carrying a grudge. What I seem to be doing is “Carrying a guilt.” It’s as though I cannot forgive, forget and let go of every little mistake and shame that I’ve had in my life. Does anyone else deal with this?

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

Oh yeah. Just this past week, this topic saw a lot of action: http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=1506

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, all of that text is just too much for me to wade through – also, the thread seems to have veered off topic. So perhaps we can start again?

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

It’s like you’re reading my mind. I have been suffering with every little mistake for most of my life. anyone know how to let it go? put it down and walk away away, as i’ve been told by countless people?

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I thought that was just part of being raised Catholic.

I’ve heard that ADD comes with a perfectionist streak. I’ve found that with dieting and organizing, if I can’t do it absolutely right, I get frustrated and do nothing, which is far worse. Maybe this is another side of that coin. Nobody’s perfect, but I think we have more trouble accepting that about ourselves.

Try to maintain a sense of humor about it, and realize that everybody makes mistakes. When you’re able to do that, please tell me how.

I tend to learn through quotes, so for what it’s worth:

• “A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.'” -Douglas Adams
• “Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Franklin P. Jones
• “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” – Mahatma Gandhi

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

It’s definitely perfectionism. I used to think that perfectionism was never being satisfied and always trying to be right, but the flip side is the constant fear of being in the wrong. I think it’s a defense mechanism we develop – we are so driven to not mess up that we are paralyzed. For me, the combination of ADHD and bullying while growing up made me very cautious around others, whether I knew them or not.

Certainly my treatment for ADHD has been helpful, but also just knowing that I am trying to be perfect when I don’t need to be helps.

One treatment I know of for perfectionism (which I’ve only tried in small increments) is to deliberately get out of your comfort zone. Do something wrong. If the world doesn’t end, then you’ve learned something and might be able to let go of that little thing that was holding you back.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with this as we speak TheGameGuy. It is perfectionism at least that’s what someone articulated about me the other day. Perfectionism is always about being in the wrong. If you ever get the chance watch the American Dad Season 2 Episode 2. It’s about Stan getting fat and how hes fearful of being fat. The outcome of the show is epic to say the least. Such an awesome show unlike that family guy. Sorry off topic.. It would probably help for me to get treatment again and stick with it this time. I’ve had bad encounters with doctors and treatments hence quitting and starting a lot.

My perfectionism has caused more harm that good. In a video game I am able to create and completely perfectionist mentality quickly. I find outside of games (untreated adhd) the perfectionism dies hard. Giving up on tasks before its complete or self-defeating my ideas motivations because there is no means of doing them the right way due to self confidence. So yes it is a mechanism we do develop. During my treatment in late highschool early college, It seemed to help my perfectionist idealism and begin to conquer my short term goals. Without treatment failure takes its toll. Getting fired or getting denied a job over and over again is extremely exhausting and hurts. I recede back further and fall harder every time.

Anywho It’s been devastating and hard since I got fired a month ago.Its especially eye opening and very important to seek treatment in some form or fashion. It’s unfortunate that it takes so long to come to senses and seek the proper treatment.

“Well done Smith, I’m going to pat you on the bottem! – Ready!? — There it is!”

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

The Game Guy…….I think I do BOTH!…….As far as the “grudge” thing, I notice that if I get really upset with someone for doing me wrong, I mean WRONG, bye bye!…….I can’t get passed it or over it. I haven’t talked to my mom in years, my dad, fam members, friends, I’ve lost alot of relationships but it’s because of something THEY did that I just can’t get over! I’ve wondered since my diagnosis if it has anything to do with the ADD???………The “guilt” thing, pretty much the same……..I beat myself up so bad and it’s like a recurring racing in my head all the time! If I say or do something to my husband or kids, even the littlest thing, I carry this guilt for days! OMG, yes….I totally feel ya…..So glad (well not glad) but you know, I’m not alone here

REPORT ABUSE

[memzak]

Guilt, I have struggled with it all my 58 years. With guilt came apologizing for everything, even for being alive. I have listened to guru after motivational speaker, read countless books all supposedly to help you feel in control and feel good about yourself and nothing worked. I felt guilty for saying things, I felt guilty for not saying things. About 4 months after my ADD epiphany I was done. I realized why I had felt guilty about being alive and realized that I really didn’t need to feel guilty about anything. I let it go, for good. It took a while for the bad habits to disappear and I do occasionally catch myself apologizing for stuff that I didn’t need to apologize for but the guilt for what I was apologizing for just wasn’t there. It was gone. I have let it go for good.

It has left me with a feeling of freedom I have never had before. I can’t change the past but I can make my future better. I can change my relationships and make them better. This is a good thing.

It has also left me with nothing to motivate me. This is not such a good thing. All my motivation had come from fear and anger and panic and guilt and I used my husband as a negative consequence. “Can’t let him find out about” and fill in the blank. I ruined my marriage but I am determined not to let the relationship suffer any more. We haven’t lived together for 9 years but I discovered that I do still love him and now I feel I can do things to make the rest of his life better. As good as it can be while living in a nursing home on dialysis.

I do occasionally have regrets but it doesn’t last. When I think of the things that I regret it is usually about events of the last year and really falls under the guise of self-medicating with crying. When I cry, it is almost always when I am alone, in the morning, and I have already had my 2 cups of coffee and I still can’t get moving. Then I start thinking about something that makes me cry. Now instead of going into a half hour pity party I can stop myself in less than a minute, wipe my eyes and get on with my day. Works better then Welbutrin I can tell you that. Crying releases endorphines and makes me feel better. This is still such a bad habit and I have been doing it most of my life. Getting it down to less than a minute is an achievement and not doing it everyday is another achievement. I only realized in the last 2 or 3 months that that is what I am doing. My daughter pointed it out.

Does anyone else use crying for self-medicating?

REPORT ABUSE

[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

Memzak, I don’t think anyone ever loses the stabs of fear, uncertainty, guilt, shame, or negativity. It is simply a matter of how quickly we develop the ability to cut off the negative thought, knowing it simply a thought, not reality, and replace it with something better.

And yes, crying releases a lot of tension and stress. For everyone one of who have lost a loved one, it’s amazing how the tears come, then subside, then return, always, it seems to me, in balance with out ability to handle them. Like a safety valve on a boiler, popping open now and then to release the excess and prevent an explosion.

In an emergency situation, people don’t cry until after everyone has been taken care of and there’s nothing more to be done… When one of my kids was about 5 she had a health crisis, around asthma. I was strong, firm and did what needed doing. Drove to emergency. Waited patiently. Comforted everyone. Listened to the Doctor. Got the medication and special inhaler system, hooked it up and strapped it on to her face. When it was handled, and she was fine, sitting with her breathing mask on, placidly watching My Little Pony, that’s when I lost it.

REPORT ABUSE

[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

For those who can’t let go of guilt or anger or grudges, here’s something to ponder.

When I went to work on those aspects of myself I realized that every grudge I held was because I believed I was right and they were wrong. And I was unwilling to give that up. When I would ask, “Why would they do that?” and then took a long hard look at it, I could find lots of reasons as to why they had done what they had done. When I got into their world and their shoes, and imagined all the pressures, issues and stuff they were dealing with, their actions made such sense. And no wonder. People rarely do things for no reason. In fact, lazy bastards that we are, we only do things for what we think are very good reasons. Whether that’s quitting a job, starting an affair or gambling away money we cannot afford to spare.

One of the best pieces of advice I got was, “If you were them, had their home life, and their life skills, and experience or lack of experience, and you lived their lives, you’d do exactly the same thing.”

For example a number of times I’ve worked on shows and then been upset afterwards when they ended that I wasn’t made a partner or given more say or more credit. And yet, did I ever ask? Did I ever express an interest in being a partner? No. I worked harder and expected them to make some kind of magical connection.

Every time I look at my part in what has happened, and appreciate fully what was going on for the other people involved, I realize things turned out exactly as they should have, based on what I did or didn’t do, what I did or didn’t say, and how I was being.

It’s humiliating, or perhaps it takes courage to do this exercise, but it’s incredibly powerful.

Putting down the load of anger, resentment, righteousness is hard. It means I have to be responsible. But letting go of all that weight… makes life so much easier, so much freer and light and fun. And I can use all that energy to move forward. Liberation. Freedom.

And by the way, feeling bad or regretful, as someone said, is just more of me trying to look good and be in the right.

Does that make sense? Or does it sound idealistic and impractical? “Easy for him to say…”

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I think carrying a guilt is the opposite – always assuming they are right and it is yourself that is in the wrong. And there’s where the virus of self-doubt starts eating you away from the inside.

I NEVER know the right thing to say, how to ease someone’s frustration and when I try, they snap at me. I cannot win. Why am I here? If I am such a burden to these people, why don’t they just send me away?

I’m supposed to find some magical reserve of willpower to heal myself and be the right kind of person who always says the right things and nobody ever gets mad at and not only can I not do it, but I don’t even want to try.

Giving up seems so much easier.

REPORT ABUSE

[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

Giving up always seemed easier to me. Still does. Often. But I realize it doesn’t make me feel good and does nothing to end the cycle of being miserable. That’s when I have to push through and simply do what needs doing, whether I feel like it or not. The one ‘doing’ thing that’s working for me lately is a brisk walk, mid-afternoon. I get a huge boost and let go of the crap that’s been piling up.

As for being a burden to people, perhaps check with them and see if they feel that way.

REPORT ABUSE

[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

The other thing is I’ve learned about willpower is that I never have enough to do what needs doing. But I do have enough to do one small tiny thing. Like get up in mid-afternoon and take a 3 minute walk. That gives me some energy, some relief, a slight recharge… and lo and behold, enough will-power to do one more thing… they may look like tiny steps to the outside, but when I’m in the dumps, or stuck, they’re huge.

So many of us try, in our enthusiasm, to completely transform everything and go from stuck to soaring.

Doesn’t work.

Any more than you could go from out of shape to in shape in one huge massive exercise session.

I’ve never gotten myself out of being stuck by some big dramatic action or commitment or whatever. I would always fail and of course, create more guilt. More, “I should have…”

It’s just small steps, ones I know I can do, without worrying about the step beyond that, or the steps beyond those…

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

When you can’t function the way others function; when you find yourself constantly sabotaging your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, your life, it’s hard just to let it go. It eats at you. After a while, you begin to hate being you. A few friends and family will say you need to accept yourself—forgive yourself. Well, it’s hard to learn to accept the unacceptable. The world out there sure doesn’t accept it. I haven’t had to ask to verify that. Verification repeatedly has been freely offered.

That’s what they need a pill for: something to help people who simply cannot will themselves to do the things they know they ought to do to accept—with humility—that crushing, debilitating reality.

Maybe I’ll take a walk…

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts