Been looking for the positives…

[Tiddler]

Thanks all!

They’re negative for me, toofat, because they really screw things up for me. But I don’t believe they need necessarily be negative for everyone if they are in the right situation with a level of these things that is workable for them. So when I said I hoped they were tickety boo – I mean it sincerely. That’s the place I want to get to.

This post was all about me learning to come to terms with the ADD – I’ve gone from anger to depression to a sort of ‘okay – this is what’s hard – so what am I doing right:?’ state of mind.

I was speaking on the phone with a woman from PALS yesterday, trying to get help for this. I was in a very good mood, positive and hopeful and telling her what I thought I needed and what it’s like for me. At one point I began to cry quietly, simply while describing how every time I apply for a new job I have to send off for a copy birth certificate because I can never find it and that I didn’t apply for disabled student allowance because I kept losing the forms. Otherwise I thought I was really positive and forward looking.

At the end of the conversation, she said she enjoyed talking to me and thanked me for making her cry! I hadn’t realised she was crying (not good on the phone) and I certainly didn’t mean to do that. But I was so glad that I’d touched someone enough to care that much and see the struggle and know how hard I’m working.

And maybe all that is a reflection of where I am at the moment – some sort of limbo where I can see what’s been holding me back, am beginning to see what I’ve been able to do to fight it, and looking for more – ways of working round it, or with it rather than against it perhaps, ways of building on the strengths I’ve already found – something – I don’t know what yet.

Whatever it is, it’s a whole lot better than the rage and despair that have been eating me up since my diagnosis 6 months ago!

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[Tiddler]

Oh, and, how good would it be to be having this conversation over a cold beer somewhere warm…

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[trashman]

OH MY GOSH TIDDLER!!!!! for me I think you hit the nail on the head !! I don’t know if what I struggle with is my adhd or other events of things that happen to me over my lifetime? so how does one find out if it is adhd or something totally unrelated .

here i s a small list of things that my life has seen?

(1 I was born breach and blue with blood dripping on my brain.

(2 was always to l I was supposed to die or be retarded!

(3 was raped by a mentally handicapped man from the time I was age 5 till I was 10 and could not even admit it until I was 22

(4 was always told I was not able to do what everyone else was doing I was to small or fragile .

(5 was always bulled in school by staff and students.

(6 siblings always told me how stupid I was.

(7 never had any close friends.

(8 dropped out of high school.

(9 I have been in several traffic accidents.

(10was told by my mother I was not wanted , and a general screw up all my life. so what then is adhd and what part is just part of broken useless me. sorry I try not to post because I have no positive to give from this gift . so did all these things that I think are part of my adhd or did it just become a screw up because of my life or because of my choices. I WISH I HAD DIED AT BIRTH!!! sorry for the rant but all I see is all these gifts over a life time .

THANKS trashman

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[kc5jck]

Trashman – don’t underestimate the power and impact of your posts. We learn from the thoughts and experiences of others only when those thoughts and experiences are shared. I look forward to your posts.

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[Wgreen]

I am completely confused. On Jim’s coach’s list of ADD attributes, above, I see such items as “detail-oriented,” “stable,” “very successful…”

Frankly, I don’t know how it’s possible to discuss something when everybody has his/her own definition of what that thing is—definitions that are so-o-o divergent as to render any kind of conversation utterly useless. By that coach’s lights, ADDers have no worries. They certainly don’t need meds or… coaches. If they need anything at all, it’s perhaps a super hero outfit and a phone booth.

If that list accurately describes attributes that ADD brings to the table, I’m going to ask my doctor to reimburse me for the expense of my diagnosis.

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[JimC.]

@wgreen –> the list is general in nature. Just as normal people have successful, stable and detail oriented attributes, there are those in the ‘normal’ spectrum that do not have those specific attributes. The list was created by AADrs in a meeting making a list of what they thought were positives, so don’t take this as gospel, it’s not meant to be definitive…just a list of IDEAS.

I’ll apologize if the list is misinterpreted; it was simply put there to show that there ar POSITIVE attributes that can be present in those with ADD. Alternatively, I could have put in the list of NEGATIVE attributes, but this post was aimed at being positive.

Just my .02, Jim

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[Wgreen]

Hey Jim—

Look, my guess is if you polled enough ADDers—or people who say they have ADD—you could eventually list EVERY “positive” trait known to exist. Ditto for every negative trait. My point is that lists as “inclusive” as your coach’s cease to be as helpful as they might be because they are… so inclusive. While I’m sure there are a few ADDers out there who are in fact “detail-oriented,” obliviousness to daily minutiæ is an ADD bellwether. You might as well add “taciturn” and “highly organized” to the list. If there is little to distinguish ADDers from the general population, it begs a question: why should anybody care about Attention Deficit at all? What is it about ADD that warrants insurance payouts of millions of dollars/pounds/euros a year for medications or expensive special accommodations for ADHD kids?

And, for the record, many clinicians who specialize in ADD—like Russell Barkley—claim there is, in fact, little if any upside to ADD. He argues that there is no empirical evidence to support the allegation that ADD makes people more creative, intelligent, imaginative, etc. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t smart, creative ADDers. It just means that absent the ADD, they’d still be smart and creative. Now, he and his colleagues may be wrong about that. But that’s his contention. Suffice it to say, there’s nothing settled about the notion of ADD as a fount of gregariousness and creative genius.

Having said all that, I fully second your “positive” orientation. And I don’t mean to demean—after all, it’s not your list. I just think your coach’s pep band is a little too brassy.

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[Tiddler]

And, for the record, many clinicians who specialize in ADD—like Russell Barkley—claim there is, in fact, little if any upside to ADD.

You’re right. There isn’t any clinical evidence for an upside to ADHD. But any one or any number of positive attributes listed in Jim’s post can be present in any adder. Just because the ADD doesn’t bring anything fantastic to the table doesn’t mean that we’re not full of fantastic traits in our own right, just like anyone else. I did smile at the ‘can create order out of chaos’ one though, because I can certainly create chaos out of any order, any time, without trying!

Trashman, you’ve been through far more than anyone should ever have to deal with. I don’t know how to express how much I admire you and look forward to your helpful, though provoking posts. And if we were having this conversation over a cold beer, I’d be very sad indeed if you were not one of the people joining in.

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[JimC.]

@wgreen: no demeaning detected nor taken. I agree with all your comments BTW.

and @ Tiddler: I too can create chaos from order; that said it applies at the lower end of importance of things. If it’s really important or a crisis, I can cut through clutter and focus on what needs to be done while ignoring all the other stuff. Can’t think of any examples but simply put, I can’t stand trivial things that interfere with my life, but hit me with a huge problem that will change my life or kill me, and I can deal with it calmly. Go figure. Never stand in front of me in a line for coffee (especially if you don’t know what you want, haven’t got your $ out and ready, insist on a complicated order taking 5 minutes to place and change 3x, and generally aren’t paying attention and holding me up), but should my car get stolen while I’m in the lineup, that’s not as big an issue for me.

Ain’t life grand?! Jim

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[Tiddler]

LOL Jim.

I’m dyspraxic too. I’m the one holding the line up, dropping my change and forgettign what I’m meant to be doing – or worse – getting through everything then realising I don’t have my cash card with me or I’ve forgotten the number!

And, like you, I hate waiting but throw a crisis at me and I’m the calmest, most productive person in the room.

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[Anonymous]

I love the list….sorry, but I do!!! I’m all over it…..and I don’t know why??? When I talk about ADD, that list is what I see……all of it, that is ADD for me!!! I must be mindful….because it is difficult to speak positively about oneself and not appear boastful or bragging…..that is my furthest intent!! I sure don’t mean to be boastful…..but it’s a “positive thread” and I’m cuttin’ loose!!!

Wg…..I too find things strange about what they are calling ADD and the wide path it contains. I have no angst about ADD…..none…..in fact quite the opposite…I’m so pleased I’m not trapped in what appears to me to be a tiny Linear world??? What is with that??

My career, as I’ve said was enhanced by being capable of taking on huge projects, being able to see clearly into the future, understanding patterns that did not yet exist but were shades of things to come. I am an idea generator……and seem to have been able to manage large groups of people down to minute detail. I can think on my feet……a fearless risk taker…when all around me are running for cover or hiding in the shadows, that’s where you would find me. My teams would follow me into huge business decisions and plans that would scare off almost any other manager in the company……again and again. I seemed to be able to bring calm and confidence to my team when they were just plain rattled with uncertainty and the magnitude of what we were doing???? We were always always successful.

Socially I also do very well…….I’m a fun guy…..funny…….uninhibited……a people magnet so it seems, not my words!! People seem to like to talk to me, go figure, I could care less…..friends, waitress(s), customers…grocery till people…I’ll talk with/to anybody everybody, laugh joke…have a good time through this thing we call life??? My son is the same……

Artistic….draw, have my own band, write my own songs, taught myself how to play guitar and harmonica…can’t read a note……..I build my own custom motorcycles (walls of trophys) and hotrods too…….which are loooong term detailed projects that again require long term focus and minute detail, not to mention organization. Although looking inside my shop you wouldn’t know it!! Designed two of our homes, built one of them…….to dumb to know better maybe???

I could go on through the whole list….but screw it!! The list…..this is what I shared always with my ADD children…it’s all they know about who they are other than what the &^%&&U**$##%% educational system told them the BASTARDS!!! They too feel they are “Gifites”….and would find themselves all over the list.

I know….I know…..I know…..I do…….and it bothers me to no end. What…..what is it that makes us so different from each other but at the same time apples from the same pie. I know I’m different….I’ve always know. Really different……..is it where those wonderful attributes fall on the scale that makes us different for each other. You could turn each of those attributes around to the extreme…they would then maybe become a detriment….I suppose. I don’t know, I really don’t

I do struggle…and there many things I’m shitty at….I don’t care…I really don’t. These are annoyances in my life kinda like mosquitoes, I suppose. I’m sure the fact that I’m partnered up with a Linear (and have been all my life)…..is good too. She manages the administrivia of our lives which in turn allows me to fly. She does the stuff for us that she brings to the table……and enjoys the life flight I bring with me……..I guess??? Yes, I’m a tapper….. on any surface……my propensity to gab makes her nuts at times…..leaving the house 2-3-4 times before I finally launch makes her laugh, post-it-note all over…….and the fact there is no flat surface within 1/2 mile that hasn’t got some shit on it……..who cares. My socks need to be like this….my medicine cabinet needs to like that…my car keys need to be in the same place everyday…….ya ya there is all that. If I didn’t have a tax guy I’d be in jail…..but I do….so……there you go. The platter gets licked as clean as it needs to be, and screw the rest!!!!

Thanks Tid for the “Posi” thread……”it’s in me an it’s gotta come out” (John lee Hooker)

Toofat

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[Tiddler]

LOL Love the bit about leaving the house several times – my dog actually turns back when we get to the end of our ginnel because he’s expecting us to have to go back and he’s almost always right!

I do struggle…and there many things I’m shitty at….I don’t care…I really don’t…The platter gets licked as clean as it needs to be, and screw the rest!!!! I love this bit. Pretty fantastic place to be in! Maybe one day I’ll be able to say the same.

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[Anonymous]

I like the list myself. For me, I’m always being very, very hard on myself, and at times feel like a complete failure.

Reading that list lets me know that everything about me inst negative. Even though I know that having ADHD has made my life difficult, I choose not to think of myself as having a disability or disorder. I’m just different!

The word Disorder or even the word Illness, to me, speaks of harsh connotations that something is wrong with me! I mean come on, I’m not gonna need a handicap placard to place in my car , letting the whole world know I need accommodations!.

This thing is tough enough for me to grasp, so how can I possibly get non ADDers to understand? More appropriately , that list not only speaks to my positive traits, but in reality, my specific uniqueness among others.

I am realistic. In my lifetime, I have experienced horrible situations as a result of having the ADHD negative traits. So I get what Tiddler is saying. But I don’t think ADHD is a curse, or that I am cursed! I just believe that its healthier not to think of yourself as being too High Minded ( full of pride, boasting of High IQ and special gifts) or too low with little self esteem ( always focusing on what you did wrong or what you don’t like about yourself). The best way is to think of yourself as a unique person surrounded by 4 billion other unique people. ADHD or no, we’re all just HUMAN!

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[Anonymous]

I usually don’t do this, but while listening to the radio, these lyrics actually found a home and sunk in:

“Don’t hide yourself in regret,

Just love yourself and you’re set

I’m on the right track, baby,

I was born this way.”

– Lady Gaga, “Born This Way.”

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[Anonymous]

Middle of the flock……a me too guy……..Joe average…….just another face in the crowd…….hmmmmm…….No…..No Thank-You..!!!!

Toofat

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