Bullying

[Fabulous]

I am seeing a lot of news about bullying lately, after this sad series of gay kids committing suicide because they were bullied. Gay celebs and politicians keep telling their stories and reassuring kids that “it gets better”.

I can identify with the bullied, because as a person with ADD I’ve been bullied, targeted, and outcast all my life. But as a person with ADD, I can’t relate to the “it gets better message”. I have been fired from my last two jobs. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just didn’t “fit”. Employers openly make this criticism — they love the word “fit” — and openly blame me for not making people like me.

Things have not gotten better. They have gotten worse. I suspect this is true for a lot of ADDers, as the pressures to be successful only progressively increase in adult life. The older you are the more you are supposed to have accomplished; the more wealth and status you are supposed to have accumulated. Your talent and intelligence and all the hard work you have done to control your symptoms matter for nothing when you just aren’t accepted.

I have been out of work for a year and a half and I can’t even face the prospect of walking into an officeplace again. I don’t think I would survive being fired again. It doesn’t get better for everyone who is bullied. For some of us, it gets worse.

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[Anonymous]

*hugs*

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[Anonymous]

If you have been out of work for a year and a half, and just can’t face returning to an office environment, then it’s time to look for another line of work. The more stuck and frozen with fear you get – the more stuck you can get, if that makes any sense. The longer you are out of work, the harder it will be to get your next job. Your self esteem and self confidence will continue to erode.

Volunteering might be worth considering. It would give you opportunities to try different things and might give you inspiration as to what would be a better fit for you in terms of what you could do for a living. Longer term volunteering commitments – say six months or more – can yield useful contacts and job references. Try websites like CharityVillage.org for listings of opportunities in your area.

Some things are beyond our control; others are not. How much feedback did you get from your previous employers and colleagues about why they didn’t like you? None of us is perfect, and criticism can be very hurtful, but sometimes it’s fair. Were there things you could have done differently, or better? I know you tried, but are there any further coping strategies you could employ to minimize the impact of your ADD on your colleagues or employers? Maybe you in an office environment just was the classic “square peg in a round hole” scenario and always will be and it’s just time to move on to something else. A year and a half is long enough to grieve and come to terms with this.

Work, for you, may never amount to more than a way to pay your bills. That’s okay. It’s time to ask yourself what would make you happy – not the “you” you would be if only things were different, but the “you” you actually are now. Then figure out how to get from where you are now to there. You may need help with interpersonal relationships; don’t be afraid to seek it. Break it into small steps and allow yourself to have setbacks without shattering. It’s never quick or easy; it’s a long, slow process. But if you’re willing to be honest with yourself, accept valid criticism without defensiveness (easier said than done, I know), ask for and accept help, you might be able to look back on this moment in your life one day from a happier better place. I hope so. Hang in there.

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[Anonymous]

I completely understand.

*hugs*

When I’m feeling beat up by the world, I have to remind myself that the emotions I’m experiencing are temporary and will not last forever. I make it a point to not make any decisions and let go of any negative thoughts before they get too out of control. That makes it easier to deal with what’s in front of me on a day to day basis.

In the long term, maybe you’re in the wrong line of work. I’ve found that I do better when I do work that involves more “nerdy” types, and less public interaction. Working around other nerds, there’s a certain amount of social awkwardness that’s expected, so I don’t stand out as being “weird”.

I don’t know what path that may be for you, but for me I’ve been increasing my skills in internet technologies. As much as ADD can feel like a curse, it’s also been the fuel that has enabled me to learn and understand so much internet technology so quickly. I learn differently, and that has forced me to be self-driven learner. When most of the rest of the people in the work force are not self-driven learners, that gives me an extra edge in my field.

I hope that helps.

Cheers,

CET

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[Anonymous]

I’m 53 and I got fired from every job. And I realized that i love to grow things I paint and sell my paintings . There are things you can do think outside the box not all of it is in an office. If you like animals work with the SPCA . When I was younger I work on a farm for free room and board. Life isn’t about money. You can build a small house quite cheap out of recycle materials een it done Animals, plants they like me. People not so much. If your lucky enough to have your grade 12 there are different lines of work that you can get into. I guy I new didn’t have ADD made so much money selling hotdogs he went to all the concerts sold out side of Canadian tire.He made 1,200 at a blues festival proffit in one weekend. My mother would get fired or tell some one to go pound sand. But she new how to make money in the food industry. Why not start a cleaning company. That is what my sister chris did out west. So many women working and they hire people to come in and clean. Use organic cleaning products and ask for more money. Dog sitting is another huge money maker. There are grants out there for women getting into business.So instead of being down about it. Look at it from a different prospective. If my mother with ADHD and All my cousins with no grade 12 can do it so can you think about what it is you like. People, I can no longer handle so I sell garlic I grow and do art. Clamdigger

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[Anonymous]

You know Clamdigger…i am close…i did quit one job but i am only 34. I keep thinking the more i educate myself…the likely-hood goes down a-lot when the more advanced degrees one has? hears hopin. hoping to push though with the phd and bring them to our side…right!

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[Anonymous]

akdengineer I’m going for my grade 12 even through alot of people told me it won’t happpen. But I’ll try it can’t hurt me even if I don’t get it. But I met someone with cognitive problems and she got it just barley passed plus she was dslyic can’t spell that one. But there is so much more in life one can do. Try all kinds of things I found art and gardening and kids I love them all plus animals. There is a way to make it in this world maybe having a good won’t happen for me but other things will. I could make alot of money if I had my health. But I just realized with this site and seeing the film on cbc that I had all the sysmtems. So I have been talking to people more about things about me. this site is a God sent. Clamdigger

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[billd]

wealth and status are highly over-rated……………

PERSONAL happiness are what counts.

I’m me, take it or leave it.

I”m SO thankful for this site!!!

(and the people who are here)

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[Anonymous]

I can relate to the bullying and to being fired alot. It’s happened. I’m on disability now because so far I’ve not been able to sustain anything. I volunteered for my local pbs station for a year not just for references but in the hopes of getting something in pbs but that never worked out because right now because of the great recession the budget is squeezed. So I’ve moved on. I worked for the school system for two years but was never able to move up from my security guard position because of the flagrant politics of nepotism and favoritism and name dropping that goes on here in miami. right now i’m writing in the hopes that i may one day get my big break and earn a living that way.

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[Anonymous]

Hi. there square peg in a round hole…..sure sounds right. I live there and revel in it today. However, the square peg thought was always present for me….and some people have a very very hard time with it. I to had times when I thought “I am insane”….I could always function (sort of) but the thought I’m insane was never far away…..that can’t be good for anybody, ever! True we generally are class clowns, or social outcasts or……..the list is endless, and many are destuctive. Fact is our brain simply works different from the majority of the worlds brains!! Truth is because of that and some nature, some nurture, some of our behaviors are hmmmm……not well accepted in a social environment. That is not news to anybody here. It is normative for us…. I liken our personalities to driving a very high powered car….the potential is tremendous, for great…… and disasterous results. I had to learn how to drive with all that power under my foot without the disasterous results part. But first I had accept that reality, then I could use the high-horse power do the work to get me to a better life.

I spent 3 great years with a counselor, went for one set of reasons stayed for another, funny how that happens. He was good, actually he was great!!! I learned many many things about myself (still do), how I operate, what makes me tick and why, and that who I was, what I believe, what my perspective, my true perspective was, and that it was ok. What I also learned (cause we are very intellegent) was how to manage those pieces of my life that caused me grief and how my perspective fed that. I learned how to better relate to others (particularly my family) and be more accepting of their differences, opinions, and mine. I had to learn how to manage aggression and frustration and the impact it had on others. I could be hurtful and caustic. He was TOUGH and would not allow any bullshit from me….I needed that. I had to want to listen, I had to want to learn to listen…really listen to others, and accept. This is a big big world and there is room for all of the opinions….even if they are stupid hahahhahaha (just kiddin).

I had to want to try and experiment and I had to give up many of the preconceived notions and tools that had gotten me that far in life. That in it’s self was really really scary, and exciting, and rewarding venture.

So for me the inner search of finding who I really am and accepting that person and liking that person was important. If I don’t have real love for myself how could I expect anybody else to???? I found a lot of truth in AA Serenity Prayer, I’m not an AA person but there are bits and pieces all over out there if we just use that high-horse powered brain in that way.

Funny…as I was going thru this process, many people really didn’t like it. I was pressed to turn back, from all sides, continously but I had a strong belief that I was being guided in the right direction. I am still very very self aware. I will be always, it works for me. I can only say that one of my keys to success was the right counselor. There are many out there, but it really took a special one. I will be grateful to him forever.

For me it was/is a long road,not smooth but exciting but the rewards have worth all of it…..

toofat

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[Anonymous]

I dunno maybe im just in adown spot right now but i have not had a full time job since 2004… when i was fired from tsa for absences caused by a “mystery illness” that over 12 doctors have yet to diagnose after almost well 8 years[ this Sunday to the day]…Pretty sure I have ADHD as well, but have been prev diagnosed as Scizoaffective(1989), atypical bipolar (1990), Acute anxiety (1995), epilieptic(2001)…etc but dont fit in to any category neatly except possibly ADHD. I think the physical symptoms are either Psychsomatic or stress-related. I get REALLY REALLY physically ill like the worst flu you ever had on top of the worst hangover you ever had. When working, i call-in …. when I feel better and get ready to return to work the next day, i feel anxiety; so much so, that i feel my heart is going to burst out of my chest…so i sit down already in uniform or dressed and ready togo ,and call in again (once or twice I even called in from my car outside work, and turned around and went home)…..a few days of this, of course; and i’m fired or forced to quit. What nobody, not even my wife seems to understand is that I have absolutely no control over it…further even my 5 year old son asks me things like “Dad are you gonna get a job, cuz i need new shoes and mommy says we cant afford it right now cuz you won’t get a job?” It hurts…my wife says things like “I know you’ll never go back to work again, I’ve just accepted that; but I don’t think you are neccessarily disabled; just lazy, and the illness is all in your head etc…..blah…blah…blah…just ‘be a man’ and get you ass back to work..etc” I have to admit, I understand why she’s fed up but why won’t she understand that I simply can’t help my behavior? I’m constantly getting beat-down by her and others in my life…I’ve reached the point where I dont even care anymore and just wanna give up…………I guess what I’m saying is i understand your utter frustration…….THEN I FOUND YOU GUYS.

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[Anonymous]

BigJimmy it is very hard dealing with this ADD With the meds they did help a little bit. I kepted getting fired from jobs or not turn up. But I did find what I love to do. gardening and art I planted about 400 garlic to sell . Plus I sell my art work. One of the things over the years I never gave up the two things I do love to do gardening art. Find what you love and you’ll be able to stick with it better. So were I can’t work for other people I have gotton into reducing bills and trying to live off the grid. There are many ways to make money . My husband started treating me different when he watch totally ADD on CBC and started to look at my behaivor and realized it isn’t my fault. I have notice that I’m a bit better since I started meds in getting things done. But it must be hard for you having a family. Most people are feed up with me two my boys and family on both sides I have gotton to the point friends don’t last long. Maybe that is why I like animals. Clamdigger

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[Anonymous]

I can relate Clamdigger. I have 2 cats, and just tried to keep 2 relationships but lost both of them the minute I either said I had ADD or exhibited symptoms (eg. negatavity)…This sucks…Ive been alone all my life, 2 kids, and Im 46…I hate this hole I have…

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[walkwithfarmgirl]

Clamdigger-I’ve been trying to figure out how to sell my art…how do you do it? My sister and I grew hundreds of herb seedlings for a couple of years and sold them from a driveway (quite successfully). But I realize now that I absolutely have to get out of an office environment. I just keep getting sick every few years from the stress.Any help?

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[Anonymous]

I chose to read this thread because my son was bullied for most of his life. He is now 21 and pretty big so that has stopped somewhat.

The fact that the thread became a topic regarding holding a job is interesting to me because I think I may have helpful info. My father was very ADHD as am I. He couldn’t stand working for someone else who saw things in a structuered way–so he opened his own successful business and ran it in his own sideways fashion. I also hated to be in an environment where I was watched and nit-picked about things. I found that I did well working in a satellite office where things were more relaxed and we accomplished our work in a more out of the box manner. I did so well that I kept getting offers to move to headquarters. No way was I interested in that! If it is possible to try either of these options you may find it easier to find success. Good luck!

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[Author]

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