Bullying

[Anonymous]

I had a bad Christmas my son is with a Girl who is a real bully she is a teacher which I can’t believe she remined me of my father and mother. She would act tough like she was from the Streets were I used to live in Toronto. So when we would sit at my table in my house she would star and give a mean look to my grandson to make sure he ate his food he is only five it got so bad I had to talk to my son (she is the stepmom) I kept talking to him. And nothing happen he didn’t know what to do. So I but notice with ADHd you get hyper focused and the axiety build.

The thing is I’m tough I had to be growing up. She wasn’t disaplined growing up and she thinks she was better than ever one else.

Always talking and acting like she was tough.

Well the day after Christmas I got so angry and focused that I went to talk to her parents. I was having panic attack because she was every bully of ever one I ever meet. So by the time I got there I seen her at her parents place And blew up it only lasted three minutes tops.

Now I can’t see my Grandson and Grandaughter for now. Looking back I realize that your pass does come back to haunt you sometimes through other people.

But she wasn’t all that tought can you image My face beet red, eyes bulluging out and my eyes are very blue. I confronted said one line and she walk away. I thought at my age I was pass the school yard fighting. Growing up I was small but mighty. To live on the streets at the age of 14 in Toronto and servive.

But I notice if things don’t get delet with the explosion happens. At the age of 53 my life is still in tumoil. When you have raised your self you don’t know how to lay the boundies in a wright way and deal with problems. Looking back respect comes from laying down boundies and do thinds wright from the beging. But when the adult bullies reminded you of your father you walk away.

So I ended up in the hospital because I knew what I did was wrong with the worse anxity attack witch they started in the fall.

M;y son has been with her for two years. That is why I had a hard time dealing with it.

I’m to the point I’m tired and worn out with life. Trying to deal with my mother and my husband being pissed of with me for years.

And sometimes you marry what is familur. I have been treated like an idiot all my life.

But one thing out of all this that day with my red face and bulging blue eyes. I stood up to all the bullies in my life. And all she did was walk away. She wasn’t so tough after all. But no one will ever bring me down to that level again. Even though my father was dead for twenty years I stood up to him that day.

What is going to happen now I don’t know. now I can’t see my grandchildren. I,m going to take time out. Looking for a shack on the ocean and just paint. Clamdigger

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[Anonymous]

Looking back on this posting I should of never post it sorry guys. Clamdigger

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[Saffron]

Clamdigger, it’s okay. I read your post for the first time just now. I got from it that you’re feeling exhausted and resigned from the effects of your own emotional reactions. They’ve built up over many years but they came out in full force with a single trigger.

What happened with your daughter-in-law has now left you with really crappy consequences and regret, even though it represented some kind of milestone for you internally. And you can’t go back and explain that to the people involved, and you can’t take it back. I’m really sorry this happened. *hug*

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[Anonymous]

@Clamdigger- Glad to see your post. It has me all over it. I’m sixty four and embroiled over the past and beginning to see things will have to change, mostly ME and how I view things, how I deal with frustration. You’ve been encouraging and insightful in this same thead as I see it. Sometimes it’s hard to for me to see there’s a larger world out there with so many positive possibilities. You told it like it is here, where I’m just getting started seeing a bigger picture for my own relationships past and present. It’s been nothing but good for me.

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[Fabulous]

Hi guys. I just wanted to check in and let you know how much I appreciated all your responses. I was feeling pretty hopeless when I wrote that post 9 months ago. In case it gives any of you hope within your own situations, I’d like to let you know that I started my own business and things are going very well. I had to stick to my guns and turn down several very lucrative job offers. It was hard to walk away from the “golden handcuffs” of having that secure, high salary, but I had to confront the obvious: it was never going to work out for me if I kept doing what I was doing. I feel great about the track I am on now.

Self-employment frees me from the petty prejudices and power dynamics of toxic coworkers. My clients love me. It is incredibly rewarding to be appreciated for the true value you bring forward instead of being constantly undermined, outcast, and lied-about.

The scary sacrifice was all worth it!

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[memzak]

I’m glad it worked out for you. I have had my share of bullying and in unexpected placesl. I am startng my own business as well. I’m just starting out but already it has been personally rewarding if not yet financially rewarding.

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[BabafredDenandenanda]

I can also relate. I don’t know if it was a case of bullying, per se, it’s possible I guess…

Throw an undiagnosed, unmanaged ADHDer into an environment which requires a lot of structure, a high amount of teamwork and asset management, and add in a boss with high demands, a high level of focus, extremely high expectations, and a very domineering personality.

On two occasions, yours truly got hauled into the boss’ office and reamed out – with the door left open so the rest of the staff were able to hear it – over some fairly minor error (likely, but not excusably, due to the unmanaged ADHD).

Things got to the point where I would make an ADHD-related mistake (miss an appointment, forget to change a customer’s appointment, overlook a critical detail, etc) where I would try to fix the mistake and cover my tracks just to ensure that this wouldn’t get back to the boss and cause another office-ream-out.

It became a viscous cycle – mistake–> stress–> exacerbated symptoms –> more mistakes

The boss then changed gears and began calmly and quietly asking me questions rather than shouting; which, for me, was actually worse, because it came across as condescending. Don’t talk down to me, don’t shout at me, just *talk* to me as a person!

I was paralyzed – I couldn’t make a decision because I was worried it would be the wrong one, I was afraid to arrange anything because I didn’t want to make a mistake, but deadlines are deadlines, and work needed to get done, so decisions were made under duress and at the last minute – never a good idea.

I eventually ended up leaving that job, which I doubt surprises any of you. During my two-week notice period, the boss said exactly four words to me: “How are you today?”, and wouldn’t come out of their office long enough to shake my hand and say goodbye as I was leaving on my last day.

I have since been diagnosed, and with the help of Dexedrine, I’m much better –SQUIRREL!!!– now. My current boss is aware of the ADHD, and very supportive, as well as extremely good at dealing with discipline when needed – ensuring that I know that when looking at a situation, we’re simply dealing with the facts and leaving all emotions and judgements out of it. Then, coming up with a solution. It’s very rewarding and empowering.

So, was that first boss a bully? Maybe. Was the job a good fit for me? Without ADHD, or with controlled/managed ADHD, and with a different boss, probably; but that avenue is likely closed forever, and I don’t miss it one little bit.

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[Anonymous]

Congrats @Fabulous for taking the risk!

I came to my current employer 4 years ago. I loved the team I was on (now that I know about ADHD, I suspect that half of them have it, too). But after 3 months, I was moved as part of a department reorg. For two years I worked under the most demeaning, incompetent, juvenile, petty prick in the company. What’s worse is that the management loved him because he was an ass kisser and his team (me included) got the job done. He would spend his entire day goofing off and then take credit for our accomplishments. Worst two years of my life.

His performance reviews of me and everyone else were horrible, and nowhere near reality. I received 4 client recognition awards, yet I was immature and disrespectful. Irony is, he was summarily fired last year for sexually harassing a coworker. Text messages and all.

Anyway, I’m back under the same, reconstituted team and things are better now. Suffice it to say, that my company has spent through all of its good will with me. Once the market improves, I’ll more likely than not be moving on.

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[Anonymous]

yay fabulous!! thank you for sharing!

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[Fabulous]

Hi there, I am still recovering from what I went through at those workplaces. My mind still replays those horrible situations, still returns to the frustration and outrage, and still asks “WHY”. I am heartened to see that workplace bullying is gaining attention and that there seems to be increasing research and advocacy in this area. I am now able to understand that I was repeatedly subjected to workplace mobbing as someone who is different, and as someone who has characteristics that are very prevalent in ADDers (difference, sensitivity, a desire to work hard, to please, to do well, a tendency to stick up for yourself – see #3 below).

1. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janice-harper/mobbing-in-the-workplace-_b_1102815.html

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QREyB9BTzIA

3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9YKmoxQNvU&feature=related

4. http://www.mobbingportal.com

This mobbing is something I have endured since gradeschool. I want to share the links above in case some of you experienced mobbing. Discovering there is a name for it, and that others have gone through it is a great comfort and a reassurance THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT; you did not deserve it. Learning about mobbing helps you answer that persistent “WHY” that torments you with confusion and shame.

Mobbing thrives on the idea that if multiple people think it, it must be true; that if everyone has a problem with you you must have done something to deserve it, that perception is reality. Mobbing thrives on 360 reviews; one of the most touted tools in HR. It thrives on unaccountable feedback. People forfeit accountability and side with power. Even people you thought were your friends; people you thought were good; people you trusted.

The things I was reading about workplace bullying before were just not adding up for me, because they focus on single bullies in the workplace, and they focus on outright aggression (not covert aggression). Workplace mobbing is a very different type of bullying.

One more thing I want to note, because it is so important for this group: You have ADHD, but you KNOW you have it or you wouldn’t be here. You also are taking the steps to build your awareness of it and how it affects you, or you wouldn’t be here. As we go through this process, we find ways of making life work for us, we bend the world to us (e.g., I own 8 sets of house keys). In short, we rapidly learn how to meet the demands of the world in our own special way. I was mobbed even after I had taken control of my ADHD. I was not under-performing; I was over-performing; I NEVER missed a deadline, I did not let people down, I did not create problems. ADDers become hyper-aware and astute on these matters once they get diagnosed and get in control, because we fear exactly these things. But our difference and independence will always remain, and that will always make us vulnerable to group power dynamics.

For me the answer I have found is avoidance; to simply not enter into groups (i.e., offices). What is yours?

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[allan wallace]

Hmmm, very interesting! I was on my way out but couldn’t help having a peep in here! I’m unemployed, and have had difficulties in staying employed when I have been employed. If it’s not the boredom of a job that kills me, it’s the dynamics of a place that does. ‘Mobbing’. I hadn’t seen that term applied before, but yes, I’ve certainly experienced it. I was always a misfit, so I never was Mr. Popular anywhere, but I very quickly assumed the position of nonchalance. Even in workplaces I’d experience it. Just a quick anecdote. I’d started a new job and made no effort to sit at a table where all the other guys sat to get to know them during breaks, and I’d read a book at another table by myself. For a few days I put up with the sniggers, and wisecracks, but on the third day I put my book down and told the loudmouth that had been leading the snide remarks that the next time he had something to say about me or the book that I was reading that I’d smack him in the mouth just where he sat amongst his mates, and that I didn’t care if I got sacked as the job didn’t mean much to me anyway. I didn’t hear another wisecrack, and the crap stopped right there. I’d just seem to not care about being excluded, and if anybody tried the physical stuff I’d fight like a little demon, so they soon learnt to leave me well alone. I always sort of hung out with the nerds that were also rejected, or the naughty kids who were tickled by the idea of a nerd that wouldn’t get pushed around, but I do have a special contempt for bullies. In my late teens and early 20’s I used to get a buzz out of tricking bullies into thinking that I was scared of them before giving them a bit of a ‘tune-up’. Hopefully they’d have had a different perspective on bullying people that somehow looked inferior to them… *hug*

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[nellie]

So Allen,

Just curious, were you bullied as a kid in school and then just adapted by pretending to not care? Or did you really not care?

Fabulous,

(First of all have to say your avatar is the coolest! Love it!)

I was bullied in school and my father told me to fight back and let the bully know who was boss. Stellar advice for a 6 year-old little girl fighting off 5 or 6 boys at a time! Well, although I did become physically strong, I spent my elementary years getting into fist fights as I fought off the boys who picked on me on a daily basis. I had no girl friends because they were afraid of me.

The mobbing thing you mention sounds what I went through. No one ( teachers etc.) ever questioned why I was getting into fights and instead automatically assumed that I had caused the ruckus in the first place. The one time they called in my parents they told them not to worry because once I got older and started to like boys my behaviour would change. Seriously ?

I still can’t believe to this day that not one adult ever intervened or believed me.

In school I was very shy and spent my time reading so that I could be somewhat invisible but still present without feeling like I was drawing attention to myself.

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[Anonymous]

@nellie

“I still can’t believe to this day that not one adult ever intervened or believed me”

Did you not have access to a councillor of some kind in school! Now that you are older perhaps you can access your records both written and electronic under the freedom of information act…..

Just an idea but maybe there was adults behind you, but for some reason unknown action was not taken….

WOFH

Pete x

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[Tiddler]

I’ve just pulled my 8 year old out of school to home educate him because of bullying by both staff and pupils – one boy in particular who beat him up on the day I decided he wasn’t going back.

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[allan wallace]

Good morning Nellie! Thanks for liking the av! A sunset in Tassie it is ….Your’s isn’t too shabby either just quietly *flutters eyelashes and smirks*

Bullying, eh? Yeah, it’s something that I encountered. I went to 26 different schools or something, and fought the bullies in every one of them. Even though I was a bit of a sissyish looking kid with blonde hair, skinny, and quietish when new, I never lost a fight. The bullies soon learnt to just leave me alone, and I hung out with the other pariahs on the periphery, whether it was the nerds, or the feral kids. I never tried to be one of the popular kids, and never really cared. As for my nonchalance, I think that I truly didn’t give a flying proverbial if anybody liked me or not, even though it saddened and puzzled me why I was different to other kids. When I was in my early teens I can remember shamefully reading Carl Jung’s ‘Guide to Abnormal Psychology’ to try and figure out what be wrong with me…When I was in my late teens I used to seek out bullying types in pubs and what not just to give them a ‘tune-up’. It was very silly of course, and I haven’t thumped anybody since 1995, so I’ve learnt to control myself. Yet, bullying still rears it’s ugly head now and again and I’m slowly learning how to be assertive without being aggressive…bullies are cowards at heart, and sadly a bit of fisticuffs is the only language that the troglodytes are able to understand. It’s a shame that it’s always the one’s that stick out that seem to incur their attentions, eh? If only the bozos would stick to butting heads with one another, eh?

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[Author]

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