Family and close friends

[Anonymous]

It’s kind of amusing how we all think we’re not going to write a novel this time, but all end up doing it. And then we all wonder if anyone will read our posts in their entirety, and if they don’t, well, we get it. No biggie–we just had to get it out. I have found that my iPad helps a lot with that because I have to type with one finger, so it slows me down to the point where I can’t write my usual 1500 word replies.

While I was driving home a little while ago, I was thinking about starting a new thread on here, but I can’t for the life of me remember what the topic was going to be.

You really just have to laugh at yourself sometimes. I think that’s a lesson that a lot of us learned early on.

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[Anonymous]

Gary – I love your dog. Is that a Newfie? When I was a kid, I spent hours reading the dog breeds section of the encyclopedia. That and the dictionary.

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[Gary]

Yep, she was our first Newf. We adopted her when she was 3, and lost her about a year and a half ago to heart failure at 12. We’re now the proud parents of another rescue newfie, who was also 3 when we got him.

And I agree it’s very hard to compose a brief reply when a tome will suffice.

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[Anonymous]

Brentitude

I think its scary how close our situations are, my father passed away 3 years ago and he was the only one that truely got who I am, my mother will support me no matter what, and the rest of the people that i have told about the disorder have pretty much shrugged it off as something that is made up. I think most people think it is some kind of excuse for bad behaviour or something, I have been taking ritalin for some time now and it is helping greatly, I don’t ever discuss ADD with anyone but my doctors and my wife (both of which can see the improvement) I find it sad that most of us feel that we don’t have anyone to talk to, but i am happy to read so many posts that remind me of situations that I have been in, it lets me know I am not alone.

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[Anonymous]

that whole ‘what you do for a job defines you’ stuff is stupid. work might be something that they love, something which sums them up, etc for some people, but for others its just a means to an end- what they think and feel and attempt and give back to the world outside of the workplace is what its really all about for them. people who don’t understand that, well… their loss.

…. said as somebody who has never managed to hold down a full time job, who has had all sorts of little jobs that didn’t really mean a whole lot, and who hasn’t worked at all in the past 6 years. i know who i am. if other people can’t work it out without a payslip to go on… hmmmm.

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[trashman]

I would love to go to schools and giving students pep talks. those with learning and adhd problems. I have no problems seeing the good in all people , if only I could veiw myself in that light.

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[Anonymous]

Bobbie40N:I apologize for not commenting on your post earlier--I got distracted. I don't consider myself brave; I just can't seem to keep a secret to save my life. I was the kid who told people what I got them for Christmas because I couldn't stand their suspense. I was the kid who figured out how to carefully lift the tape off the end of my presents so I could see what was in there and then put the tape back in place. I don't know if I actually fooled anyone, but to my 10 year old mind, no one was the wiser. Sometimes I confide things in people I shouldn't because I tend to just blurt things out. I even talk to random strangers and butt in on their conversations. It's an annoying habit.

But thanks. If you don’t feel like telling them, there is absolutely nothing that says you have to. In other words, if telling them is only going to increase your anxiety levels and make you feel worse, why bother?

_____________

Tonight it occurred to me why some people might not believe us when we tell them about our ADHD/ADD: As adults, some of us have developed the ability to appear okay on the outside, even though our brains are in turmoil. We had to do this in order to survive in our society. When I'm at work and feeling bored or antsy, the people at my office might see me staring at my computer and think, "She's really wrapped up in that spreadsheet", when in reality, I might be thinking about that guy I have a crush on or my dog or my last vacation or my next vacation or how boring is this spreadsheet or what shall I have for lunch/dinner/breakfast tomorrow morning--or all of those things at once. And then it occurs to me that it's almost 1pm and I haven't done anything. When you work a job that requires you to bill your clients by the hour for the work you do for them, it becomes a big deal. It always takes me several hours longer to do things than it does my colleagues. Some people think I'm just being thorough and not rushing through my work just to get finished. In reality, I'm waiting until I only have an hour to get it sent out so I can get the adrenaline pumping and go into panic mode. I seem to be most productive then. Isn't that weird?

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[Anonymous]

ADDlikesme: I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. I know it's been 3 years, but I don't think you really ever truly get over the loss of a parent you were close to. Monday nights are hard for me because he always expected a phone call then. I talk to my Mom now more, but it's not the same, you know?

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[Anonymous]

Okay, today I am feeling a bit stronger. How long that will last, I don’t know. But for now, if somebody disses me I will shake my head as though to express how sad I feel for all the ignorant ‘normal’ people out there. Ha! Well, ya never know, it might work.

The thing about jobs is you have to have thick skin. I really think I could have endured a lot at work if I had a place to go and recover at night, but I got I picked on at home — yep, even my husband. I told myself for years that they didn’t really mean it and I would feel like crap, but now I avoid my family when I don’t feel strong, I visit when I feel I can, I leave as soon as they say something hurtful, — and I do this in my own house with my husband. (I keep hoping he is trainable.)

Trashman, you have a heart of gold. If you’re thinking about helping others when things aren’t so great for you, well, you’re a good man. By the way, IQ tests are not entirely accurate. These days people with ADD or ADHD get to take such tests in a private room and they get extra time. So I imagine that you are quite a bit smarter than what the test indicated. You’re here and you’e educating yourself just like the rest of us. And even the doctors don’t have this all figured out.

Now — if only we could find jobs.

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[Anonymous]

I definitely do not have thick skin. I am overly sensitive, especially when it comes to criticism of my work. I live in a constant state of anxiety that someone else will find a mistake that I made. That’s why I double and triple check my work and then sometimes have someone else look it over too. At some point, I have to just accept that it’s okay and send it out, but it’s always with some trepidation.

I used to get mad easily. I had road rage, I abused inanimate objects and I would fly off the handle over the smallest, most trivial things at work. Some people were afraid of me (haha!), but some of them waited until I cooled off and gently teased me about it. I got the point and it’s not like I wasn’t aware of my irrational [immature] behavior; I just felt that I couldn’t control it. Well that was wrong, and I can control it. It isn’t always easy, but with some effort, I can actually stay calm now when someone cuts me off on the road, etc., etc., etc.

What really helped with the road rage, in particular, was realizing that I was hurting myself by getting that angry and that I was the one who was going to have a heart attack or get shot by some gun-toting a-hole. I kind of learned to rein in my knee jerks and it has made me feel a lot better and a lot calmer. And more mature.

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[Anonymous]

i’m an actress at work- i put on my work facade (cool as a cucumber, polite, helpful, give-a-damn, etc), and wear it until i’m done- otherwise i’d lose my marbles. practice practice practice.

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[Anonymous]

That is so true. I’m thankful every day that there are no mind readers at my company.

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[powcat]

This is sad to read, guys, and I haven’t read all of the posts, but I want to go back and do that. I feel like I want to respond to all of you.

quick note, though, before I forget about parents:

I have been blaming my parents, too for the last 7 or 8 years – since starting therapy. just recently though, through a combination of horrible fights with both of them (they’re divorced) followed by time away from them and some sincere e-mails back and forth, plus learning about the ADHD and thus accepting myself, plus reiki, plus the years of therapy and writing and trying to feel it all and get it out of me – somehow I have reached a point where I feel that I am OUT of anger. like I came to the end of a book; there’s no more there.

they’re still not my favourite people, and they can hurt my feelings, and they annoy me constantly and they may frustrate me – but I am not so deeply shaken as before if they say or do the wrong thing.

I think the key really is to get a better grip on yourself – form this core at your being full of self-love and acceptance and dreams and forgiveness for yourself, and keep that safe and protected. I’m still working on this, of course, but I really believe that’s the answer.

that way, if I have that unmovable strength at my core, it doesn’t matter if people don’t believe me or don’t agree with me, even if those people are my parents. certainly it can hurt my feelings and I wish they thought differently, but their beliefs or words or whatever don’t have anything to do with MY experience, or what is true for ME. parents’ opinions can’t change reality.

I hope that makes a little bit of sense because it is starting to lose that ability for me.

The point: you can’t change other people’s attitudes, only your own. Take time away from them all if that’s what it takes; tell them you need to not talk to or see them for a while.

and most of us will probably never get those apologies we so crave, but we actually DON’T NEED them. the apology won’t change your past. it probably won’t even change your relationship with the parent, because even if they apologize, their personality won’t magically change.

hopeful news: once we start to change, our family, though resistant and pissy at first, might begin to change also. if you stand by your new boundaries and beliefs and they want to continue to interact with you, they have no choice.

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[powcat]

agh, not quick at all.

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[Anonymous]

LOL powcat! I know the feeling. I intend to enter a short post and I go on and on….

It was a quick read, and it was interesting.

I don’t think an apology would do me any good. But — gee whiz — if I had a broken leg or something at least somebody somewhere would acknowledge it and offer some sympathy. People might offer rides or run errands. But when you have ADD and can’t figure out the (insert your favorite curse word here) bus schedule and nobody will help…I mean really! I ask a question and I cannot get an answer. I ask for help and I get blank stares. Go figure.

As for how to get a grip on yourself? I haven’t got a clue. I saw something about the Seven Pillars of Self-Esteem and it was interesting to consider, but the fact is I have problems communicating and that sort of messes up everything.

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