Finding a consultant – extremely upset and confused. I feel like a failure.

[Tiddler]

I feel like waiting is just too much for me now I’m so close to the finish line = what I mean is I’ve finally found something that makes sense of my whole messed up life and I want to know now if that’s what’s ‘wrong’ with me. I got a letter from the person my GP referred me to yesterday and I phoned to talk about the appointment. They do some memory tests and cognitive function tests but they don’t check for ADHD so I was back to square one.

I found a clinic that sounded perfect but the GP has to ask for out of area funding because it’s in the next county and she said the funding application may be rejected. This clinic don’t take private referrals.

Through the AADD website that someone kindly linked to yesterday, I found a doctor who does private referrals and although yesterday I wanted to wait, today I am just too desperate to know. But I didn’t like how the secretary spoke to me and it’s making me feel nervous about the appointment. If I tell you what happened, can you tell me if I’m over reacting please, because I have no idea what is normal and what isn’t because I’ve just found out that my strong emotional reactions are probably part of this condition. (I cry a lot, mostly out of frustration and anger.)

I phoned her yesterday and she just wanted to book an appointment or not and didn’t want to answer any questions. I was confused because I didn’t understand why I couldn’t find out if he actually diagnoses ADHD, and what would happen at the appointment. I felt like I needed to know what I was paying for before I did it because I only have one shot at this. I can’t afford to go round paying to speak to consultants to find out whether or not I feel I can work with them.

So I phoned a different consultant and this first guy happens to have taken over his job. The receptionist wanted to give me his private receptionist’s number but when I explained that I’d already spoken to her and felt that she was irritated by me she said she was sure I was wrong and that she’d ask the private receptionist to call me back and explain things to me. She didn’t call me back.

So I did something I felt was very brave and called her back, hoping to try again. This woman was, to me, quite standoffish, didn’t want to answer any of my questions (the ones from the website) and told me I wasn’t shopping for groceries and that I should contact my GP because she thought I sounded ‘stressed’ (I was crying by this point because I was confused and distressed. )

My husband took the phone and he said he thought she wasn’t being arsy and was just saying that I could either book or not and didn’t want to get into a discussion.

I think the problem is that I have been trying to research this on my own when I’m at the height of my symptoms because I’m juggling part time jobs, voluntary jobs, kids and a university course and balls are landing all over the place and this is just one thing too much and I CAN’T research it on my own, but my GP has never dealt with this before and has referred me to the wrong person twice – a neurologist and a neuropsychologist.

And now it’s gone on so long I feel like waiting is just more than I can stand.

I have been treated for anxiety since I was a teenager, depression on and off since I was a teenager and intermittently for irritable bowel syndrome, which has flared up again. I also had OCD in my early teens (after moving city) and bullemia in my early 20s for a couple of years.) I’ve felt like a lazy malingerer, despite somehow getting a degree while working 2 part time jobs (because I need to just keep going and going to get anything done) but it’s never enough. I’m 39 now.

And I don’t know if this woman has made me feel like crap or if I just feel like crap and she happened to be there.

I’m completely lost and just want to KNOW. You know?!

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[Tiddler]

I appreciate the few people (ADD or not!) would make it through that whole post, so to sum up – I’ve had a crappy morning and I have no idea whether all the people in my life I’ve felt were being rude, unhelpful, unkind etc etc were really just being ‘normal’ and it’s me that is reacting ‘wrong’.

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[Tiddler]

And, as an aside, despite knowing I’m doing too much, I signed up for another voluntary job yesterday. I actually sought it out and asked to do it. It didn’t occur to me it might not be appropriate for me right now.

I just don’t understand why I’m ‘like this’.

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[nellie]

Tiddler, just book the appointment anyway and get it over with. When you do book it ask her what the fee is and what it’s for. I know how you can feel this way. Medical secretaries have bulldog personalities ( no offence to bulldogs or Stephanie who posts on this site ) and I have had my share of issues. Even the women in my GP’s office are total B*****es although the doctor is really great. I’ve learned to ignore them but I used to put off calling and booking an appointment.

The dread and thought that there is that hoop to go through and deal with such unpleasant personalities is just one step too many for someone with ADD. On the other hand, she should at least be able to tell you if there’s a charge for seeing the specialist. When you get there ( I’m assuming you don’t have to travel to a foreign land to do this) you can decide whether or not it’s what you want. If I hadn’t developed a thick skin with these sorts of people I doubt I would have ended up in a doctor’s office ever! I don’t know what it is with medical secretaries but I’ve never met one that wasn’t like an unpredictable dog – might be nice and friendly one minute but any sudden moves and they’ll bite your hand off! i’m sure it’s not just me since other people I know who call the same office have the same issues. And other business generally don’t have such nasty telephone handlers. I don’t think a normal business could survive if they did!

I’ve also learned that if I’m in the office in person I just become as forceful as they are and then get the information I need. My last run in was when I was there for a random thing and wanted to book appointments for myself and kids for annuals. Because they had to be on different days I was flipping through my calendar and she told me to hurry up because she didn’t have time to make so many appointments. I can’t remember my response exactly, but I was like hello aren’t you a receptionist and isn’t that your job? She complied in a huff believe it or not.

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[Tiddler]

Thank you, Nelly. That was sensible and kind. And the above actually made me laugh which is a real tonic!

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[Tiddler]

Okay, now I’ve calmed down, I appreciate my reaction may have been quite strong, but the woman WAS being unpleasant and it helps to realise that. The conversation went something like this:

Does the doctor have experience in treating adults with ADHD?

Of course he does. What do you think he does?

I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.

You don’t call a specialist and expect to get to know everything about him.

I don’t want to know everything about him. I just need to know a couple of things…

Can I find out if I can be tested for ADHD in this first appointment or will there be further appointments needed?

How do I know? I’m not the doctor. You’re not going grocery shopping you know. You’re asking for a specialist so you just go along and do what he asks.

I don’t think I’m really making myself clear and I’m sorry if I sound confused, but I’m just trying to find out what happens next.

You have to ask him that.

Can I arrange to speak to him – or to someone who can explain to me what will happen?

No, you just turn up.

I’m worried about that because if it’s not what I need, I will have spent the money I have on this and I won’t be able to afford another doctor.

You’re treating this like grocery shopping…

I’m sorry I’ve started crying, but I’m just looking for help.

I think you need to see your GP because you sound very stressed.

(Passes phone to hubby at this point.)

Once I calmed down I phoned another clinic. First thing she said when I told her I’d like an ADD test:

Oh that’s great. A lady came in last week for the same thing. It costs £X amount, will last X time and you’ll know by the end of it if that’s what’s wrong. Would you like to book an appointment?

How different is that?!

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[Anonymous]

that lady was kind of rude!! (however not so rude that you shouldn’t give the doc a chance). you know people react differently to self-confident sounding males. My ex and I had a similar boisterous sense of humor. We figured out that we could tell the same joke and a) he was hilarious.. the kind of guy you want to be around. very cool b) I was obnoxious..crazy and bizarre..the type of girl you should only spend limited time around or avoid altogether. and this wasn’t just me. my ex confirmed that this was reality.

also, people don’t always react nicely to scattered ladies. I am very scattered over the phone and have experienced similar terseness. the person over the phone is having trouble following what we are saying and just get impatient and frustrated. and I’ve been treated like I am a moron multiple times. Ideally however, the person on the phone is working a customer service job and we should be allowed to be as scattered as we d*)*#d well please!

hang in there tiddler! weird how you can have something your whole life..find out what it is..then it becomes a total emergency to treat it lol. exactly how I felt and many others on this site as well.

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[Tiddler]

Thank you. I really struggle on the phone but have only recently admitted this. I get my wires crossed sometimes and I really don’t understand how or why. It either goes really, really well or like the first conversation. There is no grey in my life, everything is black and white, including this it would seem! (Like the air conditioning in the car either has to be on full blast cold or boiling hot!) Why don’t I think of the middle bits?!

Anyway, what you say makes total sense and maybe that’s why the lady didn’t sound snotty to my husband (but he’s a bit aspie too so maybe he just didn’t pick up on it! lol

I love what you say about the whole life then EMERGENCY! I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s felt this way. It’s like seeing the finishing post after a long race and I have an energy spurt to get to it. Only, I realise that in many ways the finishing post will have a huge ‘START’ sign when I get there and I’ll have a lot of learning to do. (Which is quite exciting really!)

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[Anonymous]

seriously, that EMERGENCY feeling is all over this forum. we are people who can get easily frustrated, hate waiting, and can’t control where our thoughts go.. (generalizations of course). in fact save yourself the searching.. this is a really really really common reflex.

adjusting to the meds is kind of weird. To me, I didn’t really feel different and wasn’t sure they were even working. then subtly, I noticed that I was able to do things which I could not do before… like cleaning.. pulling myself away from the computer.. useful thinking versus a constant jumble which accomplishes nothing but made me anxious.. have a conversation in which the other person does not need to clarify or have me start over from the beginning in confusion.. but I had to start learning how to harness this extra organization and internal motivation potential.. because it is potential, not handed to you.. nothing magical. This site has helped me a lot to figure out the steps that I needed to take to start changing my life. not a linear process by any means. the last few weeks for me were an almost total backslide. frustrating.

i hate phone communication >_<. It is already difficult to hold a train of thought. on the phone, there is no guidepost. in life, we can look at the other person’s experience to see if he/she is still with us or confused. with the meds, I am now capable of a coherent phone conversation. not terrific, but functional.

I think the lady was still probably snotty maybe he rightfully did not care enough to notice.

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[Tiddler]

So many things from your post, sugargremlin, that make me think, I don’t really know where to start.

There are so many things that I can relate to all over this forum that I feel really strange about being here – like I can admit to things about myself and not even feel embarrassed about it – like ‘of course! What’s the big deal!’

Re the meds – that’s what I was hoping for. I simply don’t know where the ADHD ends and I begin and I’m scared that meds would alter everything. The idea of a ‘me’ who is still me but who can follow a thought, tidy my house and remember to look at a calendar is an odd feeling, but a good one.

And the idea of rightfully not caring enough to notice when someone is being snotty hadn’t even occurred to me! I love that and I’d love to think that one day I could have those experiences and genuinely not even care enough to notice. What a relief!

I’ve always been at the mercy of my emotions and they swing quite wildly from moment to moment sometimes. But going through this is quite a new experience and it seems I’m going through every emotion all at once. I’m both exhausted and strangely energized.

Phew!

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[Anonymous]

Im a pretty emotional person too. And that wont change. However, you may be better able to hold back reactionary emotional outbursts. Or the brain may be able to better prioritize the importance or lack of importance. I like being able to feel strongly. Gives life to the world! Even though it is certainly draining at times.

If the meds changed who you are or make you feel flat, too high a dosage or not the right meds. I want to be able to finish my job timely eventually. But I have no desire to be a producto robot of a human being obsessed with tasks. Im still figuring out how it changes me. So far it seems like I am me who says and does the same stuff but in a more logical man.er

Ps. I hate typing these posts on the mobile. But I am trying to break my internet trance habit. The irritation factor of the mobile decreases addictiveness. The point to the rant is that I think I erased a pivotal sentence in this reply but im too frustrated with the little type to figure it out lol

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[Anonymous]

Nevermind I didn’t erase it.

Like I will stop everything I am doing or saying to say hi to my little backyard squirrel friend mid sentence and action. But I pick it right back up after greeting squirrel friend. Otherwise I usually completely lose the train of thought and have to start over

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[Tiddler]

I like the sound of that – being able to say hello to the squirrel friend and moving right back on. Like making friends with the monkey mind!

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[trashman]

hi,sorry to jump in here and yes I can not read all the post. but for me if I feel I am getting attitude over the phone very frustrating.I want to be their in person and now talk to me in that manner and I’ll give you attitude right back. not always the best choice but it does feel good in the moment until you think of how they view you and the outburst.

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[Anonymous]

wow interesting posts. I just feel that I can totally relate to all of this and it feels good to find like people in the world I live in. Ive been pursuing this ADD thing as Im unemployed and working on resumes and just found out as I went through the ADD questionaires about ADD. Im just into my 40s and it seems life has just been so hard all this time and being divorced and a single father of two one of which has autism its hard to stay on task and get out of bed and stay on some sort of schedule. Im so thankful school starts soon to know they will have there responsibilities instead of me struggling to keep track of summer activities for them. I was reading about tiddler and I think youve done well for yourself having a degree being married and kids your really on top of it as Im sure its always been a struggle for you. Im an electrician but I struggle everyday just trying to complete tasks. If they take to long I just lose interest or concentration but Im a perfectionist and always do a great job just cant seem to get it done on time. My reality is not how the real world sees it so it keeps me behind taking to long to finish tasks and I know I need to get help with all of it. Maybe medication therapy meditation? I have always had to push myself from the time I get out of bed to the job to getting dinner done for us to eat at a normal time. I am trying to find a meetup group but I havent found one here in the bay area so I find myself starting one maybe but It will be added stress for me and not sure If I can doit.

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[Author]

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