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I use my poor coping skills of not talking to that many people. Then I can’t be held accountable for blurting something stupid….
“No one will know your the dumbest person in the room until you open your mouth and prove it”.
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Billd,
Sorry for this bound to be long post post but please bear with me….
Maybe this is way too obvious and your sharp mind will find the flaw instantly, but have you ever considered just concentrating on one thing in terms of a behaviour you want to change?
If it truly bothers you that you don’t connect easily and well to others –
you say
“…but this is something that hurts other people, makes me look bad, isn’t how I want to be, isn’t who I want to be…” –
Then how about a month where you make forging relationships your priority and sole focus? Put everything else on the back burner. Forget about hobbies and other stuff that can wait ( the world won’t end if you don’t do it stuff) and just make improving and creating relationships with others your main “experiment.” Seems you love a challenge by the sounds of things and this should be a biggie.
Make the first thing you do every day something related to this. Put a post-it note on your computer screen that says ” focus on relationships” or some such thing to bring you back to this should your attention stray. I tried the post-it note thing a few times to keep on track with a project and it really worked.
Anyway just a thought – if your brilliance lets you learn everything else easily then there’s hope – making friends isn’t brain surgery it just requires thoughtfulness.
And one last thing – this will sound mean but I only say it from experience and not wanting to beat around the bush. If you are critical of those less smart, talented or whatever – it probably stems from your insecurity not your intelligence. That’s a mask. I was like that in my late teens and early twenties until someone pointed out to me that just because I thought it I didn’t need to express it
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Before that I thought that my expressing the (to me ) obvious was necessary and that my sarcasm was funny. Apparently not ….. Try to say something nice before you say something negative – it gets easier and people are always more inclined to be nice back when you say something complimentary. Your intertwined intelligence, impatience and disdain are not justified excuses for rudeness, lack of empathy and being a generally unpleasant person. It is just easier to be rude than work on the social skills you are lacking. But it seems to me that you have taken the biggest step – the recognition of the trait – one which you are capable of rectifying if you put the work into it.
Nellie, I like and agree with what you have posted.
Billd, You sound like you are being awfully tough on yourself. It is imossible for a human to be perfect. The more you try, the more frustrated, anxious and depressed you will become. I am 44 years old. It has taken me this long to realize that I also suffer from poor relationships. However, I have recently taken up glass carving old bottles I collect from local bars. I give them as personalized gifts to people who I like and wish to improve relations with. It is a great feeling to see them happy with something you made with your hands. It opens up new lines of conversation and forces me to stop thinking about myself. Restoring and maintaining your AMC is really cool but very lonely. It is a great excuse to remain isolated.
If you truly want to make and keep friends you must do something differently. That whole insanity definition fits here…..
REPORT ABUSEThe initial “diagnosis” or explanation came from the school psychologist when I was in roughly the 3rd grade. According to my mother, my IQ was quite high.
(I’ve since found it runs in the family, when doing research of the family tree, finding out my mother’s own IQ, and then finding records of tests run on my oldest son, the school system reports show he had an abnormally high IQ at about 5-6 years of age. )
The frustration actually does run with the abilities and intelligence – it’s not just me guessing or making it up, it’s a regognized issue at times. It’s known among those with very high IQs that they tend to be frustrated easily with others, that bit isn’t “just me” but is a demonstrated tendency – recognized by psychiatry. In some forums you’ll see other ADHD adults complain of similar – being ADHD and intelligent can be a curse.
People with ADHD tend to be “short” and impatient anyway. It’s just part of it.
This summer, the neuro-psych doc said similar, he warned me not to be alarmed with his report and diagnoses and the terms he used, then said quite bluntly that I wasn’t capable of easily “bonding” with humans and said my current wife seemed to be the one exception – as if he couldn’t explain that one. (he did indicate that he was unsure as to why were were so successful together but he sensed a very strong bond between us. Duh, I could have told him that.)
That neuro-psych didn’t indicate that “insecurity” was a problem but was bits and pieces associated with ADD in some cases. I guess in his reports he shows that the testing shows I’m in the “superior” range in speach, reading, math and a couple of other areas. He said I’d make a good speaker or orator. In that case, his more than 4 hours of testing supports what the others have said, I suppose.
He did say there was “social anxiety” as part of he ADHD – don’t like large gatherings, parties, get-togethers, etc.
(If you haven’t already, there’s a whole thread on that here in this very forum – quite a few other ADHD adults here feel the same – Prefer smaller groups, or gatherings, more one-on-one, don’t like the large gatherings). He said I would be fine with smaller gatherings. He was supposed to send me copies of all the full reports, but he has yet to do so – maybe I need to give him a reminder call next week.
IMO,my hobbies are not an excuse but are a release, from as far back as I can remember – which for some things, is roughly 5 to 7 years old) I’ve preferred machines and animals (especially cats) to people. If yoga or meditation helped you relax and made it easier for you to be around people the next day, should anyone suggest you give those up? Hobbies are a valid form of release and relaxation – trust me, you don’t want to see me if i’ve been denied working in my shop for a few days.
I generally don’t like to be around lots of people. I relax, unwind, and really do far better that way. Even my wife is like that to some extent. When we get home, she’d rather not answer the phone, hates it when someone comes to the door, and wants no one else around but me on her time off. She does like to go to her quilt retreats now and then, and hang out with some friends -but she prefers the SMALL groups, just a few peole she knows – she tells others:
“I”m around people all day – wanting things, etc. and just want it to all stop when I get home”.
there are times when the phone rings she says “let the machine get it”. I do the same sometimes.
Why would I force myself to do something I don’t really want to do – which is hang out with more people?
That’s not the issue or what Im looking for……….. i’d just rather not tick off the few I do work with or hang out with. I don’t want to add to the numbers. I much prefer my hobbies and cars, always have – I actually need them, and don’t want to change that bit at all. It’s my pleasure, fun, relaxation in life. If I were to have to give up even a few hours of that a week – i’d be REALLY short fused and short with folks. Being away from people and being with my hobbies is what makes the rest tolerable – take it away, it would be a disaster, not a help. If anything I need to relax MORE………… (not take on so much work, learn to say no” is what one doctor suggested.)
I guess another way to put it – I’d rather improve quality, not quantity as far as people relations. Not more time, or more people, better time, better relationships or at least better communications, etc.
(lack of patience is another ADD thing that I’d expect most in this thread to relate to……it’s in the list).
My oldest son says his brother, my younger son, has no capacity for empathy and is borderline sociopath (sp). (severe ADHD in his case) so he has no issues conning people. (he can be looked up on the interpol web site) it would seem after my diagnosis, testing, etc and knowing my youngest son is also very ADHD, I suspect there’s an ADHD connection.
I just don’t want to snap at those I work around, or am around.
>>just because I thought it I didn’t need to express it <<
Seriously, that’s yet another common symptom of ADHD – I’m really sort of surprised folks here act as if it’s disconnected or caused by something else o that one can simply “try harder” or “get over it”. Doesn’t work that way – . that sort of thing is pretty basic ADHD – not a personality or something that can be changed simply by “working harder on it” if you truly have ADHD.
Stating the obvious, or stating what is being thought is a biggy in ADHD. Check out Barkley’s videos on EF – lack of ability to control saying or acting what’s being thought.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cw8jHUkHiA
and I picked this quote up from another site regarding ADD:
>>a disorder of impulse control. ADD children do things other kids think of, but don’t actually do. The urge to act is not being inhibited. The first response is the immediate response.<<
We not only are impatient, but we blurt out what comes to mind. Not always a good thing but not always easy to control if you have ADHD severe enough. (thus road-rage and anger issues are common in adults with ADHD) Ask me if that new outfit makes your butt look big – if I think it does, I’m going to say so, and so would a lot of ADHD folks. It sort of goes along with it. (I’m also quite honest about my thoughts and don’t like to sugar-coat things)
Like the doc says – others are indeed thinking it – but the ADHD person lacks the control to not act on those thought – so the ADHD person says or does what they are thinking.
Some ADHD folks can not get around that – and for others, meds help, and for a few with ADHD that’s not so severe, they can “work on it”. I’ve “worked on it” for over 50 years – I do think that some days the adderall is beginning to help – at least my wife seems to notice a difference. I’m not quite as short with her the last few weeks, and when she asks for help, I now come running or let her know I’ll be right there. I used to let her know I was quite annoyed by the interruption or would help when I got time (another ADHD trait)
Since most of these are ADHD traits or “symptoms” just thinking them away won’t always work – it’s not a personality trait in all cases…….. and with the severity and level i’ve got it – some of it may never change, some may with the meds and concentration, and some things like the doctors have sid this summer, I can only deal with by changing the environment – if distraction are a problem, get into a situation or work environment with fewer distractions. 2 doctors suggested a change in my work hours, and closing my office door to be able to get more work done better – those were recently approved as reasonable accommodations at work, thanks to the doctors pretty much prescribing those things.
Being impatient with some folks I think I can learn to deal with a bit………… I’ve already seen a bit of improvment lately- but it was nearly impossible for me pre-medication, so it’s apaprently opened the door and allowed me to step through it. I just have to keep it in mind at all times (and keep working with the doctors)
>>If you truly want to make and keep friends you must do something differently. That whole insanity definition fits here….. <<
LOL – sorry, but the “just work on improving it” almost sounds like the old school days when teachers said “he could do better if he only worked harder at it”. ouch.
BTW I had a thought on that insanity thing – if going by that, then all fishermen are thus insane? Don’t they keep casting their lines, hoping that next time they catch something evenn if it failed the previous 10 times?
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getting along with people …how?2011-12-20T18:36:16+00:00
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