How do I make myself SHUT UP?

[MarieAngell]

Those are situations where your mind is occupied with emotion and lots of thoughts.  @Phoenixmagicgirl, I forgot to ask, do you recognize that you’re repeating yourself or do people point it out?

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[Galadriel724]

I have been told that I talk in circles when I am A) stressed B) exhausted C) haven’t had anything to eat. At least the friends that are tolerant enough to tell me the truth and then stick around tell me that. Actually I talk in circles all the time but during those times it’s 10 times worse.
Sometimes I forget that I’ve already said something, but a lot of the time I know I said it but have this feeling that I didn’t make myself understood, and feel compelled to explain it again, better.
Also I think with my mouth. And when I’m typing sometimes. I realized that last weekend finishing up endless progress notes about home visits I made with my patients. It’s so weird but I need the input then the output before I mentally process some things. I was writing a “Just the facts” play by play of an interaction, and suddenly it popped into my head “oh crap, my patient’s girlfriend is stealing his meds and that’s why she is high and he isn’t getting better”. I had been sitting on the info all weekend and never considered it. That happens all the time…. I have to write out a mental status exam before I know what’s going on with a patient. I don’t get it- it’s in my head- why does it have to come out before it means something to me?

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[MarieAngell]

@Galadriel724, I have the same problem of having to talk through (sometimes write through) something to access what’s in my head. That’s a pretty common ADHD problem.  Drives me crazy. I’m trying some alternatives to talking it through with a person.

For me, knowing my patterns has been helpful.

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[Galadriel724]

It’s probably a good thing that I have to write such specific progress notes for my patient appointments at work, or I’d never figure anything out. I hate documentation but there is that benefit.
This regularly drives my boyfriend crazy. He also had ADHD and is prone to being overwhelmed by chatter. I can usually keep it down to a reasonable amount but find myself getting worse when I’m having PMS.
I talk a lot more that week, and try to conduct my clinical activities AWAY from the clinic as much as possible. I can do that to a point because I work on an ACT team, where the delivery care more requires 70% of care to be given in the community. If I could just draw labs from my car I’d never have to go to the clinic again 🙂

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[shutterbug55]

In answer to the original question, I write stuff down. If I feel the need to share my opinion, I write it down and if it still sounds like a good idea/question after the meeting is over, I put it into an email.

I am used to my ideas being unnoticed during meetings, which causes me to get more out there even louder. For me writing works.

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[Babyjo]

Thanks everyone! Sorry it took me so long to comment back, I have ADHD (you may have noticed) and I would read your statements, then realize I wasn’t logged in and couldn’t comment. When you log in, it sends you back to the homepage and you have to make your way back to the forums. Well, I saw something shiny on the way back…

Anyway, really good suggestions. Writing down questions is a simple – and really good – one that I forgot to use. My issue is not knowing the difference between interjecting and interrupting, and that’s where I step on toes. :/ But writing it down lets me get my REALLY IMPORTANT THING out of my head, and I don’t feel as anxious. Does anyone know what I mean when I saw that the paper has it now? It’s like it’s out of my head and in the paper and now I can relax. Can’t believe I didn’t think of it.

Galadriel, I do that too. I think we probably all do. Ever write down what you’re saying as you say it? LOL People are not allowed to talk to me when I’m typing/writing. I’ll start documenting our conversation without realizing it.
Marie Angel, I can never decide what the big point is, lol. It’s all desperately important, don’t you see?

The writing thing has worked well for me in the past, and I thank you all for the reminder. In order for it to be of use to me, I have to keep a notepad with me at all times, which we can all do, since we never walk away from things once we’ve set them down, right? 😉 So I have like a 6 pack of the little notepads. That way when I lose one (yes, when) I know there’s another nearby. And in class, if the teacher is talking and I have a REALLY IMPORTANT THING to say, I write it down and wait for a more appropriate opportunity to mention it. Part of my issue is I’m afraid I’ll forget what the really important thing was, so I have to say it RIGHTNOW before I forget.

Those of you who say writing doesn’t work for you, I’d ask you to try again. try it a little differently, tweak what didn’t work about it last time. Keep losing notepads? Buy 20. They can be had cheap at the dollar store. Writing takes too long?Limit yourself to only nouns and verbs (no articles/conjunctions = a, the, but, etc): “Ask Laurie dog” means I wanted to ask Laurie how her dog is doing after its surgery, but stops me from interrupting her during her lecture to ask.

Thanks for the reminders everyone. And remember, just because it didn’t work the first time, doesn’t mean it can’t work. It means you must try again. I love you all and I wish you the best.

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[phoenixmagicgirl]

@MarieAngell-People usually have to point it out to me that I’m repeating myself…

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[MarieAngell]

@Phoenixmagicgirl, there’s never an easy fix, is there? I know lots of people who repeat themselves and, up to a point, people tolerate it. The only thing I can say is that mindfulness practice and memory training might help if the reason you’re repeating is that you aren’t noticing you’ve already said something and/or you don’t remember who you told the story to.

@Babyjo, I know what you mean when you say you don’t know what the Big Point is. I’ve had to train myself (still in training!) to figure that. I’ve made a study of listening to good speakers (like the TED talks) and storytellers, good news reporters, and observed their ways of clearly expressing ideas.

My weakness is in wanting to provide all the detail and nuance. I make an effort to remind myself: Who What When Where and a little How (if needed) STOP.

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[allan wallace]

Aha, an appropriate time to re-introduce myself methinks! Apart from the online scrabble that I play I think this is the last place (out of 3 fora) where I’m not banned, or suspended…it’s a bit rough. A 30 day ban for allegedly upsetting muslims no less! Huh? Who’d of thought that people affiliated with those that stone people to death, behead people for the hell of it, promote paedophilia, beastiality, necrophilia, and ever other perversion known to man and some sustained satire induced a facebook jihad! Ah well, so be it! I was well and truly bored with goading those peculiar people, so the ban will wean me off my addiction to ridiculing the ugga ugga’s….

Yes, I do talk too much, rarely listen at all, and it takes unbearable restraint to keep my mouth firmly shut when within earshot of the banal, the boring, or the blowhard! Age, and a fraction of wisdom has trickled through since the days when I was a walking warzone, argue and fight with anybody and think that it was a bit of a hoot into the bargain! Okay, I’ll shaddup now, au revoir!

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[MarieAngell]

Yes, Allan, who’d-a thought people of a particular religion painted with a broad brush of atrocities would take offense?

If I may offer an unsolicited opinion, take a pause before you speak or press send. It’s impossible to never offend, but it’s easy to avoid bigotry.

I delete and/or re-write at least half of everything I put online. I heartily recommend you do the same.

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[Scattybird]

Allan – a relevant article at:

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10074.html

it’s an easy trap to fall into.

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[allan wallace]

G’day again….yeah, that’s part of the frustration though. I know what I need to do, but sometimes things just get blurted out anyway, ‘filter’ and ‘hand-brakes’ on or not! It’s why I tend to stick to the periphery and try to avoid the cut and thrust of social events because I’ll inevitably embarrass myself by offending somebody or everybody. It’s much easier to just tune out and disengage, no? 🙁

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[Robbo]

This is one of the better threads I’ve read on this site. And that’s saying a lot!, heck I’ve spent an enormous amount of time here over the last two+ years. I’m gonna quote some of the best stuff I’ve found in this thread.

To keep our mouths shut when we have something “important” to say would be Chinese water torture for an ADDer.

Mhmm, totally. Some days it’s like being 5 years old again, but more painful because I’m surrounded my grown up adults, (well most of them…) and even the less mature folks that I’ve been spending my time with still have the fine art of behaving like a grown up taken to an art-form.  For me it’s usually just   an act.

It’s torture spending too much time with people. (period!)

I bet I’ve been pushing myself way too hard lately. Lot’s and lot’s of social contact. Lot’s and lots of dis-comfort… That’s how I came to write my little novel on that other thread.

 

In answer to the original question, I write stuff down. If I feel the need to share my opinion, I write it down and if it still sounds like a good idea/question after the meeting is over, I put it into an email.

This is the single most important solution to my problem with people. All people. Even my own mind when I’m trying to meditate.

N.T.S. Write it down man!

 

Here’s a quick tip @Babyjo  (you probly thought of it by-now) Right click on the “login” thing, open a new window, log in. Then, when it’s done. Come back to the page you left when you right clicked. Then just right click again, and hit “reload”- presto change oh, yer good ta go gal.

 

Allan, the maniac from the land down under. Well said…

Yes, I do talk too much, rarely listen at all, and it takes unbearable restraint to keep my mouth firmly shut when within earshot of the banal, the boring, or the blowhard!

You are indeed a kindred spirit. I too suffer from a seemingly terminal case of being rough around the edges. Exactly like a large chunk of granite that just fell off the mountain into a raging rushing river. It ain’t good to be bounced around and beaten against the rest of “the rolling stones”, but we are indeed getting all of our rough edges buffeted and broken off and eventually, after a long and very painful journey down this river of humanity.

We can look foreword to being a little bit smoother. Just alil bit. You will still be that same chunk of Rock my friend. Don’t be afraid of a little smoothing of your elbows.

Not that that I have judged you and think you’re afraid. I just know that I am.

The trouble with me and possibly you too. Is that we are made of some extremely hard stone. It’s indeed a possibility that the moniker I used at another forum for many years was more prophetic that I ever realized.

I called myself Marblehead at first. Later… after I started to mellow out some. Or so I thought I was mellowing out… I called myself “Marble”

I never thought about it as the kind of stone that they make statues out of. Maybe I did think of me as the substance that rich folk like to walk on. Good enough for someones floor I suppose.

Mostly it was just short for “Marblehead” that’s because I felt like I had a bunch of marbles up where most folks have brain.

I think I might go ahead and change my moniker here again.

Just to hide out some more from the real world. I still feel like they might not really like me as much as they say.

 

My final thought on this subject is that I’ve realized what will and does work wonders for me. On the advice of a man by the name of Chuck C.

“Whatever we give 100% of our attention, interest, and love, becomes the most interesting thing in the world”

In his book “A New Pair Of Glasses” Chuck says “Even something as mundane and un-interesting as shaving in the morning can become interesting and even entertaining” (not an exact quote) I haven’t read the book in many years.  I did read it more than 7 times. Heck I sorta studied  it back in 1990 when I quit booze and needed something positive to obsess over.

It worked out…

Take it easy you guys.

There’s hope, always.

 

 

 

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[witamind]

I solved this problem for myself!!  I made up a game; I call ” Whatcha say!?”
I find it fun. Here is how you play:

Whatcha Say Game:

You are at an event, in a class, home etc, and you feel the urge to talk. STOP you must identify one person to listen to and  ask ?

1. You cannot talk unless person x asks you a real question or  – 1pnt each time.

2. You must provide honest reactions to what the other person is saying (via body lang & vocalizations) ( boring = yawn, funny= laugh, cute= wink*, crazy= big eyes, etc..) +1 per reaction

3. Ask two questions and 1 more anytime you drift off  -1 per drift

4. If you must talk (ONLY if person X asks you a real?) you speak calmly and be concise <  2 mins! +2 per x

5. After listening, go tell a friend/another person what you learned from person X. Must have at least 1 thing from 4/5  categories.  + or – 1 per

a. Personal detail (name, age, religion, hobby, subculture, religion, single?, ext… )

b. Professional detail (job, like it?, subject?, school?, classes, grades, etc…)

c. Were they interesting? (funny, selfish, crazy, etc…)

d.  How did they talk? (fast, slow,  good voice, bad breath? etc…)

e. What could come from this interaction? (friendship, job, work-out buddy, sex, headache? etc…)

6. Fun fact: During your next interaction with person x  you will engage them with a question or comment that contains information you learned in your previous interaction (ex: Hey, did you ever get that tattoo? How’s your mother? Your lecture on cerumen impaction was difficult to hear before lunch.)  + 2

I created it to improve my listening skills (not talking so much) and work on my issues with people pleasing. It is fun to play with yourself and others with ADHD.

Hope you try it.

 

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[Ginniebean]

In general conversation people talk for about 30 seconds and then the other person responds.  I’ve come to realise that the tips for this problem pretty much suck.  Count to ten and I’ve distracted myself to the point of drawing a blank, slow down.. Same deal.

 

If the discussion is emotionally charged then it’s a matter of “lose all hope ye who enter” kinda deal because I can’t restrain myself.

 

What I think is important is to self advocate. If it’s an issue in your personal life then you can put forth that you are willing to work within reason to not interrupt. 30 second rule.  If someone is ranting on for minutes and switching from this subject to that, it’s not acceptable to berate for interruptions. It’s okay to set boundaries like this. It’s okay to have expectations of accommodations. Far too often we here how we need to follow arbitrary rules even when we’ve proven over and over that we can’t.

 

 

Find your baseline length of being able to listen without interruption and then it’s time for some boundary settings.  After nearly 50 years of having people feel they have a right to be morally indignant because I’ve interrupted I’m just done with it. I set my boundaries, I let people know my capabilities and how far they extend.  It works. When people feel they have a right to be hostile and angry that will be their response if you point out that you are not willing to be set up for failure anymore they will move over and you get to sit at the big people table with dignity intact.

 

With colleagues, “If I may interject….” Is a good prefix for an I can’t stop myself mokent”. If someone takes you aside to discuss this as a problem don’t disclose that usually leads to hell,  but you can say. You know, it’s part. Of my personality, I have struggled with this a long time with little success, do you have any suggestions? People will usually rise to the occasion.

 

That’s my two cents.

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