kids or not

[Anonymous]

i have a question that has been bothering me since i came to know i was ADD 5-6 months back. It is that to have kids or not. I got married about 2 yrs back. I never really really wanted to have kids even before i knew i was ADD because i was doubtful that i would be able to take care of them well..

After knowing that i am ADD and reading tells me that there is a good chance ADD runs in families and kids also will have it. Knowing that it just seems hard to imagine having kids with ADD and taking care of them. Its a sensitive topic to discuss… but wanted to see what others ADDers think of this…

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[caper]

We’re not talking about CF or another serious genetic disease, so it wouldn’t influence my decision.

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[Tiddler]

Really good question. Our eldest has attention and memory problems. If I’d known I might pass this on to my kids would I still have had them? YES! Knowledge is power and we work at knowing as much as we can about both our children’s needs and trying to do our best by them.

I’m not good at all of it. But no parent is perfect and in the main I think we do pretty well between us. And that’s the key – my husband and I work as a team – he picks up the stuff I’m not so good at and vice-versa.

The down side is that it’s full-on and exhausting and if there’s not much support or help around from friends or family, there can be times when it’s overwhelming.

It’s worked out okay for us, but it’s right to think about it carefully first. It’s not like any other challenge I’ve ever had and it’s been far from easy.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks caper. I agree that this is manageable and having knowledge before helps..but I am not sure if I can

do it.

Toddler, thanks for sharing your experience. Very good points u mention about knowing and understanding kids and having a friends family support system…

My concern is that I dont take good care of myself and

need help from others to do the day to day stuff..its not

that I cannot but that does not excite me enough to

make me do everyday…and with kids as u said need lot

of patience and I doubt that I wont give up early!!

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[Tiddler]

I don’t know whether or not having kids would be a good fit for you and your partner, but I personally seem to have more patience for the chaotic side of kids than most people I know. I don’t really notice it to be honest.

Also, I worried long and hard before I became a parent that I’d get bored and want to give them up and start again with another child. I knew it was ridiculous but I did that with just about every other thing I’ve ever done. There were 2 things I didn’t realise that I do now. The love I have for my kids is more of a driving force than anything else I’ve experienced. And every single day brings new challenges that I have to ‘start again’ with.

I couldn’t do it without my husband though. He deals with much of the monotony like making sure their uniforms are clean. I can do the listening to their problems and helping them work through stuff and helping with homework.

Jack Spratt and his wife – betwixt us both we lick the platter clean, so to speak!

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[Anonymous]

Thanks again.. i think that bonding you described is what is still making me think about it..

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[laddybug3]

I always wanted four kids. The only problem is how many of my children will have ADD or ADHD. I am the only one in my immeditate family that has ADD and everyone was tested for it.

My mom is a teacher and sometimes I get to help with kids. The children who needs help with work but are afaird to ask I normally spot them. About two hours into the classroom; I wanted to go somewhere other the room. At this point I wondered how I ever survive school. I realized that in high school I was not stuck in one room and moved around. The aids and the people who help with kids stated I should be a great teacher. However, I got the kids wound up that they got into trouble.

My cousin has been acting up and it is not normal behaivor. No one wants to talk about it and that is scare, because I think it would be hard to have a child of mine like my cousin.

I offten think about my kids spacing out, overly sensitive, having outburst because no one understand them, and life just planly hard for them. Not to metention the painful pregancy that goes along with it. That is were I say no. Everything I worked for was reached with hardwork. Hardly anything came easily for me, and that is what I am afraid of the most. Seeing my children struggle in life.

However there is that slight chance that I will miss knitting blankets, sweaters, hats, and making other things. The social exspect is also there too. Maybe there is a mother and child with ADD/ADHD group out there. Heck, maybe none of them will have ADD. Smiling and proud of my children when they do something amazing.

Well, whatever happens it will happen reather I am ready or not.

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[Anonymous]

thanks for sharing and like your optimism… 4 kids it is !!

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[Bibliophile]

@Damnyoud

We had a thread that touched upon these issues a little while ago http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=1377#post-11162

My own take is that it depends on your severity and other comorbidities. There are two factors:

(1) parenthood is extremely stressful and you may not be up to the task. It is perfectly okay to say “I don’t think I would make for a good parent.” For someone who is ADHD and having problems taking care of themselves, parenting one or more children might be completely overwhelming.

(2) ADHD is genetic as our many of our comorbidities. There is about a 50% chance that your children will have what you have. If you think this is fair and that they will be able to cope, go ahead. If you do not wish to pass on these difficulties to another generation, so be it. Just think about it for a bit though and be comfortable with your decision. Consideration of severity should play a large factor in your decision-making. ADHD is for life, as you know, and there is so much more to its effect on our lives than surviving work and school.

Some other notes: behavioural modification does not teach new behaviours in ADHD children. It is effective as providing incentive for them to achieve, but remove the motivation and the behaviour is most often lost. It is like pulling a crutch or prosthetic from a one-legged man and asking him to run. ADHD children (combined type) can behave in ways that are very hurtful to parents, e.g. lashing out in anger (both verbally and physically), saying things that they shouldn’t, acting uncontrollably in social situations that results in the need to remove them and yourself from the environment, etc. They are often poor helpers around the house and forget chores incessantly. As parents with ADHD, it is very difficult to follow exact routines/schedules or discipline regiments as we forget the routine, wish to do something else, lose interest in the routine, etc.

Now some personal anecdotal comments. I have two boys. One is ADHD with oppositional defiance tendencies (ODD) and the other is strong willed, but does not seem ODD or ADHD. I am the third generation ADHD in my family (runs on my maternal side). Coping is very difficult with kids. Perseverating (i.e. hyperfocusing on a task when one should be doing something else) is disastrous if you are alone with the kids. It is also very difficult for ADHD people to be patient, especially when the children are out of control.

One does not have to have kids to live a fulfilling life. Do what makes you happy and what you can cope with.

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[Anonymous]

I’ve thought about this question as well. However, I have bipolar disorder to add into the mix. I’m not very impaired with ADD (just enough so to not be able to perform my job without meds). The ADD wouldn’t cause any questioning of whether I should have children. I am surprisingly functional with bipolar disorder (was not always), but do not want to subject another human being to it. I came from a good home and have usually had a good support system, and it was still hell. I’ll probably do genetic counseling with whomever I’m married to (don’t even have a boyfriend at the moment!). There are a lot of children out there who need to find loving homes.

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[caper]

Kids can learn too; mine know that two or more of them trying to talk to me at once leads to frustration.

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[billd]

>>My own take is that it depends on your severity and other comorbidities. There are two factors:

(1) parenthood is extremely stressful and you may not be up to the task. It is perfectly okay to say “I don’t think I would make for a good parent.” For someone who is ADHD and having problems taking care of themselves, parenting one or more children might be completely overwhelming.<<

YES. my youngest was extreme ADD. A lot of problems, add to that that I myself am ADHD to the extreme side, and well, those poor kids – Daddy never really bonded or paid much attention to, couldn’t make decisions, etc. I feel sorry for them and looking back regret a huge percentage of that time. Lost time, never recoverable.

And now the youngest is god only knows where on the planet and we’ll never see him again because of how ADHD impacted his life – and all the complications he ended up having with it, addictions, etc. He’ll never be able to go to a “western-friendly” country as long as he lives.

That’s an extreme case, but I’d say, if you are iffy about kids anyway, ask why, then think long and hard. If you REALLY want kids and can be dedicated – go for it.

biblio… hit some great points i can strongly relate to. Amen to his post.

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[Geoduck]

LMAO! That depends on the day. Today, yes. Yesterday, when I was stuck on a 5 hour car ride with my three, I would have sold them to the nearest circus at a discount.

As far as ADD goes, I don’t think you could find one person on the planet that doesn’t have one genetic disorder or another. As disorders and mental disabilities go, ADD is probably one of the least horrid ones. Seriously, think severe autism, paranoia/schizophrenia, manic-depression, or any other genetically prone brain thing, and ADD just ain’t that bad.

I have three girls. While one has signs of her grandfather’s paranoia/anxiety (which also shares symptoms that could be called ADD), the other two don’t. The one that does is actually incredibly gifted, so maybe that’s all part of something we don’t even know about, yet.

Also, you have it and are learning about it. You are setting yourself up to be there for your child and know how to help her if she happens to pop up with it. See, by working on yourself, you’re already becoming a great parent.

There’s a book called “Good Enough Parenting.” The introduction talks about how if you picked up the book, worrying about whether or not you’ll be a good parent, you probably already are (or will be) a good parent. The fact that you ask this question speaks volumes. If you decide to have kids, no sweat, you got the worrying thing down. You’ll be alright, and so will they.

I’ve also read something that talked about how no one thing totally messes up a kid. It takes at least 5 really huge things like economic conditions, child abuse, bad teachers, bad friends, childhood trauma, then maybe genetics, to really turn out a bad seed. Most kids do alright, even though many may have suffered some setback. Odds are yours will be fine too.

However, not becoming a parent is a fine decision, too.

Read this(warning, crude language/humor): <http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-questions-you-need-to-ask-to-avoid-ruining-your-life/&gt;

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[Geoduck]

@sugargremlin…you bring up a great point. You don’t have to give birth to have children. There’s always adoption.

There are a lot of kids out there who need good homes. However, it seems that adopted children tend to have higher rates of ADD. That came from this site, somewhere, I think.

My guess is that they are here because of their parents impulsivity. There tend to be higher rates of teen pregnancies among ADD teens. That came from the guy in the video on youtube that everyone’s been posting about and I’m trying to figure out if I like him or not…so take it for what it’s worth. LOL.

Still, among all the stuff that’s out there, and it seems everyone has got something, ADD just isn’t as huge of a problem.

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[Shadow Nexus]

MYTH: “You’ll just know what to do.” WRONG!

Think about this very carefully. Their are so many stories in the media of people that shouldn’t be parents. The parents who don’t have the skills, patience, and anger control. This can be a disaster waiting to happen. People think my kid will be special. More likely is they’ll be a just one more smuck taking up space. What if their developmentally disabled, can you hand the lifetime of care? What if they have serious mental illness that make them violent or suicidal/self-destructive? So many different things can go wrong.

Are you prepared to let them develop into a personality that has nothing in common with you? Not push your your agenda, make them be something their not. Like the freaks who put their kids into beauty pageants when their seven. Push your failed dreams of glory on them. Let them find their own path in life separate from yours. You just guide and watch along the way.

Parenting is only for a rare few that can handle it. Any idiot can breed. Very few can be parents.

I’m childfree myself. I’v known since early childhood that kids weren’t for me. At first, I thought it was environment, but it was hard wired into me. Kids had zero appeal or interest. Also, I know my personality is unsuited for parenting. I need long periods of quiet isolation. Not compatible with the social unit of family. Any woman I meet who wants to breed is MASSIVE turn off. I’m gone very quickly after finding out.

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