kids or not

[Anonymous]

wow, I need to respond, and will. but not yet. all most interesting…

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[Anonymous]

@lakelly, thx for the post . it reminder me i should read the posts and respond.. took some time

@Bibliophile, thanks for sharing ur experience…forgetting, losing interest in routine is what i am concerned about with kids.. i will also go over the posts in the link u gave.. thx

@sugargremlin, i don’t know much about bipolar disorder but i heard it’s not long lasting…looks like you made a informed decision on this.. and thanks for excellent advice of kids not having to be genetic related.. it’s the best one i heard so far..

@caper, yes agreed

@bilid, sorry you had to go through that rough life…thanks for the inputs

@Geoduck depends of the day!! LOL…i will check out the book and thanks for the good words.. i agree with multiple things have to come together to turn a bad seed as i had a similar experience.. yea, i liked that guy on youtube first but after few more videos not sure if i like him anymore.

@Filmbuff1984, excellent points.. need to have a mountain of patience and self discipline to take care of others specially if they are disabled too.. i am pretty sure i dont have those and not learning them either…

thanks for posts. it gave few more points which i did not have in mind to think about, thx again

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[Geoduck]

@Filmbuff1984…

“Parenting is only for a rare few that can handle it. Any idiot can breed. Very few can be parents.

I’m childfree myself. I’v known since early childhood that kids weren’t for me.”

In those two bold sentences, you have shown yourself to be more of a parent than most parents I know. Admitting your limitations is something everyone should do, but most don’t. Not everyone can be a parent. Not everyone can be a poet, an NFL player, a musician, whatever. I wish more “parents” would realize that it’s not within their talents, and just not procreate.

Don’t worry, I had your share. I’ve got 3 No, not everyone can or should do this. Thanks for the acknowledgement that it takes something special to do it right.

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[Anonymous]

I really need to comment. My life the past several days has not allowed me to do so. I am currently recovering from my youngest son’s visit. { He is 20y).

However, until I can carefully compose my thoughts, I am in for having children. Again, all circumstances are individual and I need to be given a thoughtful response, and I shall. But to NOT have offspring due ADHD, I say, go for it. we are great, creative, interesting, challenging etc. We know so much more now than we did. I was dx when my oldest son was, three.

He has served in the Army, is a paratrooper, has several medals, was in Irag, 2 times for extended tours and left at the ripe old age of 25y as a Captain. In between tours, he applied to the State dept to be a Foreign service Officer. Accepted. etc he is preparing for his first assignment in Bulgaria, He has never been on meds, I have, and he is delightful in every way. More to follow…

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[Anonymous]

damnyoud, actually you misunderstood what I said sadly, I’ll have to return the compliment too bad though because I like the compliment. I was referring to worrying about bipolar genetics. [bipolar disorder is unfortunately for life] I was just saying that my ADD stuff isn’t so bad that I wouldn’t have children related to it. It is the bipolar which makes me question having children. I think I am emotionally stable enough to have children one day in the future. I am extremely careful about dealing with it and get better at coping with each year. However, having bipolar disorder does equate with at least periodic horrible suffering; I would hate to pass that down to my child. Also, getting pregnant with medications is a problem.

Right now, I can barely keep a pet cactus alive and maintain food in my fridge..(ADD thing), I will need to remedy that if I am to be a parent. lol.

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[Shadow Nexus]

Geoduck> Don’t worry, I had your share. I’ve got 3 [] No, not everyone can or should do this. Thanks for the acknowledgment that it takes something special to do it right.

My father is the one who should have forced to get snipped at a early age. One person who should have never become a parent. Yes, I wasn’t the only one in the family. No one talked about it or took you seriously then.

My mother did it right. Not perfect mind you, she screwed up royally in one area. As a kid, she spanked me and I deserved it. I experienced good and bad parenting. Spanking is NOT child abuse. I know the difference.

This “time out” and “self-esteem” BS doesn’t work. You can’t be their friend, you must be the parent. Else, you end up with spoiled amoral brats. Story, years ago on a message board for a free computer game project, these ME generation brats stole my ideas. This was my original idea that opened so many possible options. The programing code was slightly altered, but it was mine. They took credit for it. I told them to put my name on it or I was leaving. I gave them many chances to do the right thing. All I wanted was credit for my hard work. This was one of many original ideas, a completely redesigned user interface. I contributed so much to the community. What do I get in return?

“Why are you making a big deal out of this?” What bad parents created these amoral monsters??

So that was it, %$&#ing screw them. They lost a valued member. I deleted all my username-passwords to the websites and yahoo account. Burned my project to CD and wiped the hard drive of any trace of it. I vowed never to return. I haven’t. I keep the CD as a reminder of what happened, not to make the same mistake again.

Parents who leave kids on the computer for long periods to keep them out their hair(breeders IE bad parents). Amateur hackers who break into your computer with viruses and spyware are the result. The monsters online who go after your kids, since your your too lazy to parent.

Kids who live with their parents past 30 who can clearly afford it. Your too lazy to do you job as parent, tough love.

MYTH: “You go on as normal when you become a parent.” WRONG!

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Your life, as you knew it, is gone forever! Get over it.

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Your are now a 24/7 parent until their 18. If you really lucky, your hours might go down to part-time for the rest of your life.

Some bad parents created these monsters. You could be become one. Let that be a warning to you…

Now, actually finding someone to connect with that’s another matter.

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[Anonymous]

Children…..no children, wow, tough question!!! I have two, both mature adults now 27 and 30, both ADD, as I am. This is question I can onlyis suggest should never be entered into lightly. There is great social pressure to have children is great the create the great

“family dream”.

One of they key issues is that very few people are skilled or equipped to deal with raising the next generation. Most people just decide (often emotionally) to start a family. Most people just dive in………without taking any parenting classes or having any understanding of what is required to raise a child. I find just through talking with people that they have no idea of the steps or skills involved in assisting a child to complete those stages of development that will aid them to becoming fully functioning adults. Most folks will fly by the seat of their pants, using the same disfunctional tool set provided by the preceding generations of their family.

I found very few parents who actually researched parenting and parenting skills, or took classes to understand the “how and why of child rearing”. most folks prepared more for their driving test than for parenting.

It is a complicated process and should never be entered into lightly…….we after all are developing the next heirs to the world, maybe the most important job of our lives.

I’m just sayin’……..

toofat

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[Geoduck]

Having had the little dose of reality Filmbuff1984 provided in his post, I’ll pull back with my original “go nuts, have kids” post. Go nuts and have kids if only if you are prepared to love them unconditionally (regardless of disability…possibly worse than ADD), care for them unconditionally, and have lots and lots of patience, endurance, and imagination.

I love my girls and don’t regret for a minute bringing them into the world. I’m doing my best to help them discover their talents, find their path, and grow into caring human beings who will contribute to the world at large. It’s a very hard, yet rewarding experience, fraught with both successes and failures (no parent is perfect). However, I know my limits. I’ve reached my maximum capacity. I love raising my girls, and to do a good job at that, I’ve got to keep it the family at a manageable size.

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[Anonymous]

Yes, it is a most personal choice. In my case, once I reached 29y and was in a stable relationship I wanted children. For years I thought not, since I had such an emotionally painful childhood. I did have loving parents, who I am convinced both had ADD. The both were alcoholics, my Mom stopped drinking when I was about 17 or so. I guess after many years of counseling, that I shared on another forum, I decided that if I were able to have children, I would “break the chain”. I vowed to never hit my children, sometimes there were beatings in my childhood, that I would always be interested in their day, and make a point of finding out. I have 3 sons. I gave each son what we called “special time” it was only for 20 minutes or so but they always felt so special.( and it gave me clearer insight into their own unique personalities) Time outs worked for me. Started early enough you don’t have to worry about when they are bigger and stronger than you. It also fosters respect. ( often more difficult to keep the respect part thru teen years and after having been thru an acrimonious divorce with an abusive husband)

Anyway, 2 of my sons have add, the first also has dylexia which I realized I do as well. While I had tutoring help with a wonderful program “MADAY” MD assoc for dyslexic adults and children, my oldest son did very well with behavior modification and we carried it over to the ADD.

My sons are extremely bright, creative and giving individuals. I feel that the world is a better place with them in it. They are not perfect, and they have had anger issues with me,( the 2 ADDers) with and me them,(espeially with me drinking excessively at times) but in the long run, having children was the best thing to happen to me. And I can proudly say, while not perfect, certainly, I am a really good Mom. I totally respect folks who choose not to have children, not an easy thing to do years ago,and I agree some individuals should never have had or continue to have children.

Certainly something to look into long and hard, they are not an 18yr commitment but a lifelong commitment. Lots of open communication with your spouse is essential. But to NOT have children due to ADD concerns? Who can better understand what they are going thru and what they need?

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[Shadow Nexus]

I ran a childfree link site for 10 years. Reading a boat-load of material.

MYTH: “Parenting makes you more mature and less selfish.” WRONG!

Everyone knows at least one person who is parent and very immature, childish, and selfish.

CHILDFREE MYTH: “The childfree are being selfish.”

The childfree are often very selfless and giving. I donate my time to a volunteer organization. I’m typical of that. We are just as diverse a group as parents.

CHILDFREE MYTH: “Animals are just a replacement for kids.”

Anyone who had/has a pet knows they are completely different. Taking care of a kid is very hard compared to an animal. The animal gives wholly different set of rewards and experiences.

Try taking care of kitten or puppy for long time. That’s just tiny fraction of what you’ll experience.

Read these:

http://enlightenment.supersaturated.com/essays/text/carolynray/shame_children.html

http://webspace.webring.com/people/bm/madsquopper/childfre.html

After, read “Sprogopolis” ROFL funny.

Anything you want to know about being childfree, ask me. I have an 500+ articles on the subject, including scientific studies.

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[Anonymous]

enjoying this thread as making children seems really intuitive, but it is not. Perhaps, this child-making instinct is a relic from evolution in which you need to pop out as many children as possible because most will die young and risk discontinuation of your species. It evolved a bit to popping out as many children as you can to compensate for common young deaths and to birth a workforce to maintain your farm/and or help support the family with either labor or marriage. In modern day industrialized countries, it seems to be a combination of autopilot action, to find purpose in life, to make a being for you to love who loves you back, etc… danger comes in when parents make their children their sole meaning of life, only create children because the parent wants to be loved by another, or just creates children with no thought at all! Anyway…apologizes for the babble.. this is meant as just a collection of ideas which can create new thoughts. notice the lack of sources I cited

(I do hope that I have children one day because loving a child is a unique powerful love I want to experience. However, I am hesitant whether I want to have a genetic child related to my bipolar disorder.)

as a nearly totally different topic, I’m sure many of us were not easy kids to raise! My dad once told me in a half joke, that if I had been triplets, he would have left our family. I was an only child. I wonder if there would have been a second if I were more docile. lol. I was actually ok after the age of 7. Before this time, I was oppositionally defiant (ODD). fiery temper, flat out refused to do anything I did not want to do, had to be in a private kindergarten, hyperactive {on most days I was actually good and really sweet, but my parents learned only sparingly ask me to do things I didn’t want to do } and agreed with Filmbuff that spanking is not child abuse, unless the spanking is done with the intent of injury or done for the purpose of relieving parent’s anger versus just due punishment. I would have crowned myself queen of the house and made my parents slaves if I had not been spanked here and there lol. I was talking to my parents yesterday and I forgot how hyper I was. I was just never the run around destructive type of hyper.

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[Anonymous]

Hope I did not come across as my children are the “sole meaning of my life”, not the case here. And to clarify, one of the reasons I chose not to use “physical punishment”, I guess at the time, given my history and knowing the challenges children present, that perhaps I would not stop at spanking. Their father, my ex didn’t, that is why our marriage ended.

I am not condemning “spanking” or ” being childless” … just wasn’t my choice.

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[Anonymous]

i am just babbling. seriously not in response to anyone. lakelly, you sound like a good parent

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[Shadow Nexus]

MYTH: “You know nothing about parenting, since you don’t have any.” WRONG!

I know ton about parenting. That’s how I know i’m not suited for it.

lakelly> Time outs worked for me. Started early enough you don’t have to worry about when they are bigger and stronger than you. It also fosters respect.

“time out’s” don’t work. You must be doing real parenting. Just calling it wrong label, one bad parenting method. Kids must know that their are consequences to their actions. Consequences must be effective. If their not, you have find something that is effective.

sugargremlin>enjoying this thread as making children seems really intuitive, but it is not. Perhaps, this child-making instinct is a relic from evolution in which you need to pop out as many children as possible because most will die young and risk discontinuation of your species. It evolved a bit to popping out as many children as you can to compensate for common young deaths and to birth a workforce to maintain your farm/and or help support the family with either labor or marriage.

Nature provides you some skills by default. Some parents are missing these default skills. The mother who kills their kids. The mother who shakes their kid to death. The mother who put their kid into a microwave. The parent who abuse their kids, sexual or physical.

Nature’s basics(see any animal program on tv): provide food, shelter, and protection until age of ascension . Even animals have hard-wired limits for how many should they have to prevent starvation

>In modern day industrialized countries, it seems to be a combination of autopilot action, to find purpose in life, to make a being for you to love who loves you back, etc… danger comes in when parents make their children their sole meaning of life, only create children because the parent wants to be loved by another, or just creates children with no thought at all!

Modern complex societies require many more skills than the basic ones. “I want someone to love me.” is a really bad reason to become a parent. If your life is seems empty, it’s an easy way to give it purpose. Many more things in life can give you purpose and meaning. With the childfree, “So, i’m not going to be a parent ever. Now what?”. You read the experiences of others on the net and figure it out for yourself. My calling is film/tv production. I was incomplete until that discovery Now, “Someone is paying me to do this!”. In the future, I hope to say that.

Saying you have ADHD is not enough to be parent, not even close.

>agreed with Filmbuff that spanking is not child abuse, unless the spanking is done with the intent of injury or done for the purpose of relieving parent’s anger versus just due punishment. I would have crowned myself queen of the house and made my parents slaves if I had not been spanked here and there lol.

My father hit out of anger and lust for power, child abuse. My mother spanked for discipline, parenting. When you treat your kids as your personal slaves, that’s abuse. Teaching them the value of money by making them work for it, that’s parenting. Same deal, father treated me like a slave. Mother taught me the value of hard honest work.

If you were a good parent, kids won’t see it until much later in life. Once they see many examples of results of bad parenting, they should see the light. You see they aren’t perfect parents, but it worked. My mother and I are two polar opposite people. We clash on everything, up to present day. Despite that for a few years now, I make sure to make her a custom mother’s day card.

My father was a sleazeball SOB who ruined my life. Left me emotionally wounded. Unable to enjoy the normal experiences childhood and teen years. I missed out on high school dating, junior, senior prom, and so many other things. At the time, I didn’t see the things he did as wrong. I’v not spoken to him since my teen years. Later, I made it very clear. I wanted nothing to do with him. It’s a taken 25 years of healing. I’m much older and finally ready to date. Now, to that tiny matter of finding anyone like me(sarcasm).

Think long and hard about becoming a parent. Good and bad performance, the effects of your parenting will last a lifetime. Some kids are just bad seeds from the start. That’s out of your control. Usually, it’s bad parenting equals mental screwed up adult. Are you ready for the massive responsibility you will take on?

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[Anonymous]

Forgive me for posting something unrelated … but your help is needed n_n

I am doing a research paper on attention deficit disorder (ADD). The core purpose of this research paper is to present information and data from a whole different perspective: a positive one. This research paper is dedicated to those who have ADD and are constantly being put down by researches that focus primarily on what they lack rather than what they have.

If you have attention deficit disorder (ADD), kindly fill out the survey

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/YPGLKJJ

Sincerely,

D.S.

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[Author]

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