Parenting & ADD

[Jimi]

Are you the parent of a child with ADD/ADHD? Or a parent with ADD/ADHD, yourself? This forum is for you and it’s hosted by certified coaches Diane Dempster and Elaine Taylor-Klaus from ImpactADHD.

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[ImpactADHD Elaine]

Welcome, everyone! We’re sooo excited to chat with you all here! Tell us what’s up with you — what troubles you, what makes you laugh — here’s your chance to “Ask Coach Mom.” 🙂 Chat with you soon! E 🙂

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[ImpactADHD Diane]

Hi Everyone – I’m the “other” half of the Coach/Mom team at ImpactADHD!  We are so glad to be here with you.  Talk soon!

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[kc5jck]

My son was diagnosed several years ago at age 21 or so with ADHD.  After reading about ADHD, I got diagnosed the next year.  My wife apparently does not have ADHD and although I see a lot of ADHD behavior in her, I think it can be explained otherwise.

For years, she has said that there was something wrong with the kid, (like I’m supposed to talk to him and fix the problem) and I’m, of course, like “He seems normal to me.”  She seems to have no idea what ADHD is and has no desire to learn.

I haven’t been able to fix me, sure don’t see how I could fix him, and mostly what I get from her is that “you did that on purpose” and “he needs to try harder.”

It’s hard to not feel that she doesn’t care.

Do you see this a lot?

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[ImpactADHD Diane]

kc5jck:  Unfortunately, it is a fairly common situation for one spouse to not “get it” the same way.  It can be hard for someone who is not ADD themselves to recognize and realize that an ADDer can’t just “try harder” to do things. Especially if they are overwhelmed and/or stressed out, like many of the parents we work with.   Interestingly enough, it’s also sometimes hard for an ADD adult who has struggled in life and figured it out to understand their child.

I’d encourage you to continue to try and find ways to share information with her – The TotallyADD video “ADD & Loving it”  is a great place to start, as a light-hearted view of a challenging situation.  We have an e-book available on our site called “ADHD in Reality” that would also be helpful if you think she would be willing.

Also, whenever possible, I’d encourage you to acknowledge and “own” your part of the situation when your ADD gets in the way.  Even when behaviors are “normal,” a demonstration of apology or an attempt to make a change to accommodate can go a long way.

thanks for your comment!

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[tapgcm]

Great addition to the forum!!   Thank you.

I am the parent of a beautiful 7 yr old girl diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago, when we first received the diagnosis and I looked at her symptoms a light bulb sort of went off, I have the same symptoms but I have never been diagnosed which is not surprising, I am 44 years old and when I was a child it simply wasn’t diagnosed that often.   My struggles come with dealing with her when she is having a bad day, it is very hard to keep my own symptoms in check while trying to deal with hers, I am getting better with it but sometimes it is just so hard, having a child with ADHD is a challenge but when the parent is dealing with the same thing it is downright difficult.

I have spoke to a couple professionals about the possibility that I may have ADHD and sadly I have just been brushed off, I know how hard it is for an adult to get a correct diagnosis.  One so called professional went as far as to tell me “you can convince yourself you have anything if you try hard enough”

Any advice you can offer?

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[ImpactADHD Elaine]

Hi Tapgcm — I had a similar experience years ago — I asked my daughter’s psychiatrist if I could be ADD, too, and she said, “no, honey, you’re just a mom.” Well, it turns out she was mistaken — I was an overwhelmed mom with undiagnosed LD and ADHD. Truth be told, my kids’ lives got better when I started learning to handle myself better!

SO…if you think you have ADHD yourself, there are a few ways to go. First, ask yourself what you’ll do with the information if you do get a diagnosis. If you’re inclined to use medication, then start asking around for an adult psychiatrist who has expertise in ADHD, and ask for an evaluation. You might want to do some online “Tests” to explain why you think you have it. ADDCrusher.com and TotallyADD.com both have referrals for this kind of evaluation — it’s not scientific, but will give you what you need to go into a doc or psych’s office and say, “hey, I meet 10 out of 15 criteria on this and I want to be evaluated for ADHD.”

NOW, if you think you’re more likely to use other approaches before medication, then focus on getting educated about how ADHD shows up for you, and get some training and coaching. Our ebook, “ADHD in Reality” is free, and it is a great overview of what ADHD looks like in real life, for adults and kids 😉 — you can get that at ImpactADHD.com — it helps a lot to get clear on what you’re dealing with before you try to address it :)!

Okay — this is getting long, so I’m stopping, for now — let me know if it helps. You’re definitely on the right site for information and support — trust your instincts, and keep on searching til you get answers that make sense to you! 🙂

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[e123tu]

Hi. I recently introduced a young relative to my ADD coach. He had been diagnosed as a kid but had not had any treatment since being a young teenager, and now he’s in his early 20s.

At first, the coaching produced dramatic results, and he is getting along with his parents much, much better. But at the last visit, the coach was convinced that he had mild ADD and he doesn’t need her help anymore. He agrees and feels very validated.

He is doing better at attending school and getting his work done. But he has a “talking thing” that I feel is a real liability. When he gets started on a topic he likes, such as computing and tech gadgets, he can pontificate at high decibels for an hour (until I say I have a headache and need some quiet time). He also espouses opinions about the world that aren’t necessarily true. When challenged gently, he insists he has researched and knows everything about the topic, even when he actually has no experience in the matter.  Once he has an idea of something he thinks is right to do, he cannot let go of it.

This is really hard on his family members, who have been through a lot in recent years. His talking thing is immediately noticeable by anyone, and it’s so ingrained I don’t know if even the school of hard knocks can help.

There are other issues, but this seems to me to be the road block to his becoming self-sufficient someday.

Do you have any advice?

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[ImpactADHD Elaine]

best time to talk to people about something you’d like to see them change is when it’s NOT happening. So you might approach this relative, during a “neutral” time, and try this process:
1. Validate: You’ve been doing such a great job of managing your ADHD and school — I bet you’re really proud of yourself (note — proud of yourself, not you being proud of him)
2. Get his Permission for Guidance: I know you’re not working with the coach, anymore, and I’ve noticed something that I think you might want to be aware of. I know you want to be as successful as possible. Are you interested in hearing about what I’m observing?
a. If no — “okay, if you ever feel like you’re interested in some objective feedback, let me know. You know I love you and I just want to help you continue to be your best self. You’re doing such a great job!”

b. If yes — “great, well, I’ve noticed that sometimes XYZ — and when that happens, you get so excited about what you’re talking about that you may not be noticing that people are tuning out” or “you may not notice that it’s hard for others to participate in the conversation.”

3. Make a CONSTRUCTIVE suggestion: What do you want to see different? There’s always a “dream behind the complaint,” so make sure he hears the dream so he knows what he’s trying to achieve ;).

This is what we call taking a “coach-approach” to managing ADHD :). Diane and I want to make sure we’re meeting your needs in this new forum, so please let me know if you think it’s helpful — and you have my permission to make a Construction Suggestion! 🙂

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[e123tu]

Thanks for the coach approach. I tested step 1 on his father this afternoon and it seemed to help him.

The dad was getting anxious about a lot of changes in the near future, and I said I bet he’s proud of how far he’s come in dealing with difficult situations. He agreed and brightened up a lot.

I also told him about talking with his son about how they communicate with each other at a time when the dad isn’t frustrated with the situation. He agreed to try that.

I would also like to hear from other parents/relatives on this forum who’ve encountered the non-stop talking thing in their children/young people.

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[hppyfs]

I am the single ADD mom of a ADD daughter (8) and non-ADD son (10).
A lot of times I feel overwhelmed and pressured when it comes to taking care of my children. There are so many things that seems to be expected by teachers, doctors, ‘society’….
Ofcourse there is homework (my daughter needs my help with this and it takes quite some time), then both kids ‘should’ read about 20 min. every day (my son doesn’t like it, my daughter has a hard time with it, she might have dyslexia as well).  Then there are computer programs that the school is suggesting the kids use to help them with math and reading. My daughters ADD-dr. told us to typ a lot using the computer, to write stories. We also do karate about 4 times a week, which takes up at least an hour every time we go.
I also need to get them to bed on time so they won’t be too tired the next day. I need to make sure I have healthy, homecooked food for them to eat (yes, keeping an eye on the food guidelines).

I work at home, have a home daycare. I work till 6:30 every day. My daughter usually wants to wait till then to do her homework, so the noise of the other children doesn’t bother her, but by then her meds are wearing off and she gets easily frustrated and emotional (which in turn sets me off too).
How do I fit it all in? How do I get over the guilt feeling when something doesn’t get done (and I’m not even talking about doing my own stuff…dishes, cleaning, folding laundry).

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[ImpactADHD Elaine]

First – take a deep breath. Exhale. Do it again. And don’t forget the EXHALE part!

Next – repeat after me: “I can do it all, but I can’t do it all at the same time!”

Where to start? With you. Yes, you. If you don’t take care of you, you can’t be there for all those kids who need you — and with a daycare, there’s plenty of them who need you!

There will always be dishes, and laundry — first question I have is what are you doing to fill YOUR tank? What little things really jazz you? Energize you? Do you like to listen to music? Take baths? Choose ONE thing to do for yourself.

THEN…and only after you exhale and identify one thing for you … write back and we’ll see where your first place might be to Take Aim :)!!

But seriously — you first!

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[hppyfs]

Thanks for your reply…

Taking my breaths. Going to have a nice hot cup of cocoa and read my book. I love reading and I love doing karate (I know, that’s 2 things that I really do it for me).

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[ImpactADHD Elaine]

Nice. I’m with you on the tea — more of a pilates babe, myself! So, now…what’s ONE thing that you would like to see changed that would just make things feel better or easier? Just one thing, and be specific. Don’t try to go with “mornings” or “homework time” — but target it more. We call it, “Taking Aim.” (sipping my tea — night all! 🙂

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[fromthisdayforward]

how do I reply to this

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[Author]

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