Prioritize, Verbalize, and Get it done, but Failing.

[Evelyn]

@allan wallace

I know that’s how I felt when I first came to this site. That was in January. I knew about it a year or so before I participated in any of the forums. I was in such need to talk to people of my own ilk that I took the chance. Best thing I ever did!!!

I got more help, in just those first two months, than in all the therapy I’ve ever had. That’s a lot by the way.

Yes we usually do but at some point,  and I hate to say it, but we stall or are oblivious just a little too long, and things are a little harder to fix. I can only hope “Grace” stays on my side.

One of these days I’ll be able to pay it forward. I try in little ways now with my world falling around my ankles.

Hey that reminds me of a poem I wrote a really long time ago but its a bit dark, called “In the End”

————————————————

“In the End”

You tremble in the seat of despair.

Standing.

With your crumbled world around your feet.
like a pare of disintegrating shackles.

Frozen.

By the passage of time.
Unknowing that your bondage is gone.
You lift your palms to heaven.

Then simply,

Quietly,

Mixed with your last mortal breath,
you ask…

Why?

————————————————

Wow, been a long time since I thought about that poem. I wrote it back in the late 80’s or early 90’s. I could look it up. This poem also marks a change in the quality of my poetry, one of my attempts at non-rhyming pro’s. But it still tells a story.

I didn’t realize how well it resembled ADD stuck-ness, though until I just posted it. At least my stuck-ness. And my greatest fear, that I will be buried by my own inability to see a way out of the messes I get myself into, when all I really had to do was take a step in any direction because the shackles were all dust and rust.

Ok that’s deep enough for one morning. I hope you all know my writing is not the liner post you see displayed on the page, I bounce around adding and taking away from each train of thought ’til I get tired of writing. You guys like that too?

I always worry about using character attributes in this forum it has a way of running off with ideas of it’s own once we open the kitchen sink.

Maybe it’s fitting.

Sorry the poem is also a bit of a downer, and I don’t even remember the inspiration for it but it might have been my divorce, because it was right around the time I stopped feeling angry at my ex, and started missing him.

Evelyn

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[Evelyn]

Yeah, I missed my meds this morning, got up too late.

 

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[Evelyn]

Suppressing action.

It’s so hard to tell which action to suppress. Impulsive actions are sometimes things we really need to do, like take the trash to the curb. Yet I suppressed it until it was too late, of course not the end of the world, but too late for the trash truck this week.

I need a new regulator, think mine is broken…

 

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[Carrie]

Good morning there!

I didnt take my meds yet. Its too early! I need them to get me through my evening job! So please excuse me if I write out of context. I didnt read hahaha

@Evelyn – your “suppressing action” reminds me of me when ON medication. I dont get things done… at least before without meds I would be angry at the things ive been putting off and get them done. Now without my anger… I have no motivation at all. Sad eh? hahahahahaha

Ive ran out after the garbage truck. They just laugh at me. I dont mind. I like it. hahahaha

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[Evelyn]

Yeah, I was too late even for that this time.

 

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[Carrie]

Ah well! Theres always next week! I love garbage day! Now its a game to see how you can fit it in! hahahaha Bring some over to the neighbours when they arent watching! shhhhhhhhh!

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[Evelyn]

Yeah, last week I tried finding them in the neighborhood after they went by. You’d think they had “Magic Bus” technology installed in the truck.

…They were nowhere!

I know I have a lousy sense of time… but I know I didn’t wait that long.

 

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[allan wallace]

Great to see that ‘lil Carrie crazy face popping in throwing rainbows around! 🙂

Evelyn, I love your poetry! I’m just getting back into the habit of throwing down a line or two! I used to do a lot of poetry. I’d play around with one for a few days until I was satisfied that I couldn’t improve or enhance it, marinate in it for a short time, and then incinerate it….I’d be delighted to exchange poems with you as I churn ’em out! I don’t do the copyright thing though…I’d be flattered if anybody was willing to attach their name to any of my graffiti 🙂

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[Evelyn]

What do you mean by (attach their name)? Publish it in their book, with your name  on it, or with their name on it, even though they aren’t the author?

@allan wallace

I’d love to read your poetry. When I get a few more things straightened out I am going to finish my Authors Website, “Poets Weft”. It’s just parked at the moment, but I have a lot of stuff to go on it when the time comes. I will be starting up a new poetry group too. I really miss that whole part of my life.

My old one was called “The Wee Hours”  complete with hourglass logo. I did it in conjunction with my magazine of the same name. If I do the magazine this time I’m going to go a lot slower, and not try to make it such a big deal all at once. I think that was my mistake the last time. Too much, too fast. I will likely post an archived copy of it on the website just for reference.

I like to think of poetry as the voice of the soul trying to reach out to our conscious mind. Our subconscious mind understands, sorta like it understands our dreams, but our conscious mind is so busy with other things that it needs conversation in order to begin digesting the message. That is where a good poetry group comes in handy, people comment or discuss the poems openly either by asking questions or by explaining their interpretation.  Personally I get something new out of my poetry every time I read it. Like “In The End” sounds like when I’m stuck now. Before, it was something else. Like someone frozen by fear of the unknown for their whole life, that the things that held them back in the past have been over for a long time,  kinda the same, but it sorta means more now. A different kind of oblivion.

Evelyn

 

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[Evelyn]

I must be tired, I meant to put your name at the beginning of the above post.

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[allan wallace]

Tee hee Very droll! 🙂

I wasn’t being cheeky with the copyright thing incidentally, it just struck a note on my funny bone, that’s all 🙂 Looked very formal and everything, and well, I’m a sworn enemy of formality, officialdom, and anything remotely related to clipboards…*makes a silly face*….

I’ve never been a part of a poetry group or anything like that., I’ve never shared my poetry, let alone discussed poetry with anybody before. Well, once many years ago I used to meet with a chubby lesbian punk prostitute and we’d secretly and guiltily share our poems. A long story, and I won’t bore you with it… we were 17, and I fucked it up by getting drunk and arrested. I did have a mega crush on her, but we only held hands a few times….anyway, after I got blitzed, arrested, and subsequently hospitalised to get the scotch pumped out of my tumtum she must have seen that I was even more fucked up than her, and didn’t want to meet up with me anymore 🙁 ….I think it was Wednesday arvo’s we used to meet, and every Wednesday for a while afterwards I felt a pang in my heart for what I’d lost… 🙁 🙁 🙁 I’d get used to that feeling though pmsl!

Okie dokie, the footy is on, so I’ll sign off for now! It’ll be fun doing the poetry stuff 🙂 I’ll pop back over the next few days and finish this post…

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[sdwa]

@ Evelyn:

 

No, I don’t write poetry – I have tried, but I think it’s an enormously difficult medium to master. I write fiction because I am capable of learning to write fiction. The best book I have on writing poetry is by Mary Oliver. I think the ideas are good to know about and understand for anyone who likes creative writing.

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[seabassd]

@Evelyn , Hey Evelyn…Took me a while to get back here. Sometimes I fall off a thread for a bit. You mentioned that 30min./10min approach. That definitely works for me. Sometimes it’s like 10min/5min or whatever, especially when I really don’t want to do something. Like when I’m switching between tasks. Sometimes I really chunk thing super-small (i.e. get computer out of sleep mode). This has got to look so lazy to the outside observer, shoot to me it looks lazy, but it works. Once I’m rolling I don’t need to do it as much. It’s getting started that is so so so hard.

You and @Carrie both mentioned or alluded to meds decreasing some actions. I was thinking the same thing. I’m currently titrating down my Ritalin dosage with pdoc just to see what happens. I definitely got more done when I wasn’t on the meds. In fairness to the meds my pdoc and I have yet to settle on the best med and dosage so things may change once some consistency is established. There’s also the possibility that I’ve got to readjust to the way I drive my body around. Meds may require more directives from me that were usually handled by the ADHD side of things.

Part of me does miss being the hyperactive bulldozer. I’ll need to do a cost/benefit analysis at some point.

Glad to see you moving around and getting things done. Now its my turn to get it into gear.

I think its #6 on ADD & Mastering it Cheat Sheet “Take Action: Start, No matter how small, take that first step. Forget perfection. Build momentum. Make mistakes and adjust as you go. DOING SOMETHING ALWAYS BEATS DOING NOTHING.”

 

Lets kick some butt tomorrow!!

Damon

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[Evelyn]

@seabassd

Yes the 30/10 works but like you I also have to do a little adjustment to the time spread. I also have the issue of switching gears (changing tasks) and getting started. I do believe  @Carrie is correct about the meds making us a little lazier. I have better luck taking 1/2 of a 5mg Ritalin in the morning and the other half about 2pm. I do have the Concerta 27mg. but it sorta makes me lazy, and confused a little more. I think I’m sharper on the Ritalin.

I don’t have the cheat sheet, I haven’t read that book. I got the Lazy, stupid crazy one.

But I agree with the Do something beats doing nothing.

I am moving a little better today. I finally made the decision to get rid of most of the stuff I had in the yard sale to Salvation Army. We’ll see what happens from there.

I can sometimes neglect the thread too. I am working on not doing that. I will improve.

Evelyn

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[Carrie]

@seabassd – I always think the same thing as you! I miss my crazy all over the placeness. Everyone thinks im drunk or on drugs when im not on my meds. I dont take my meds on days off unless I have the destructive itch. Then I do. I always take them for work. There is too much going on to accidentally miss something!

@evelyn – Ritalin gave me the best focus out of all the ones ive tried. But gave me the worst rebound. Dexedrine works best for me! I take Vyvanse now and works like a charm! I have focus and a quiet head 🙂

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[Author]

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