Prioritize, Verbalize, and Get it done, but Failing.

[Evelyn]

@Carrie–I don’t recall getting a rebound with the Ritilin, but I might take too small an amount. I’ve never been one for taking drugs, I rarely even drink I don’t like not being able to think. Dexedrine used to make me  sleepy, and spacey. I got it for my Dyslexia. years ago, but I only took it for a little while. Then I was off all meds ’til I was diagnosed with ADD. We worked up to the Concerta 36mg, but it was too much so we backed down to the 27’s. I think it might be a different story if  I was working. I haven’t been able to find a job. I need one that will take care of the mortgage and the bill’s.

I’m getting some help from some of the agency’s but they have been throwing me jobs that would totally drive me crazy, just this last one was for $7.40 an hour at a laundry. I would go totally nut’s, like trying to go up a down escalator, I’d finally get there but I’d have to take so many steps to rise to the next level, financially and mentally.

I thought the lady understood my position, clearly she doesn’t.

Evelyn

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[Evelyn]

Wow, that really sounds ungrateful. I didn’t mean it to. Times are tough, I realize that, but I’d be off playing hookie in my head and burn someones $2,000. dress  or something and have to pay for it.

 

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[Evelyn]

I think I found something else that might help, I am using a voice recorder to record the tasks I do and the thoughts that pop into my head, even some of the things that happen because I’m focused on getting to an appointment, instead of my purse. It didn’t help me remember my purse, but I did record the event, then I laughed at myself. It really helped me stay positive instead of beating myself up over it.

When I realized that my mom was my regulator for making decisions and prioritizing, even if I didn’t realize it back then, dad to, it changed how I thought about myself. I realized the hidden support I was getting. Maybe they didn’t know either.

Here is how I wrote it in a letter:
“I was completely unaware of the support I was getting, so I didn’t even know I needed support, it didn’t dawn on me that long talks with my mother and father were my way of organizing my day. Their eye contact and their questions were my gauge of how important certain tasks should be, or how unimportant other things should be. Even if I didn’t use their recommendations just the conversation itself was enough to help me regulate what I needed to do. Now I have to find ways to self-regulate since I don’t have a person who knows me to converse with.”
It will take some time to integrate the recorder and develop a schedule and structure for the most efficient way to work it, but the past couple of days have been less stressful even with the crude methods I’m using. I got way more accomplished than I thought.

I got a list of accomplishments, a grocery list, a to do list, and some thoughts that I had totally forgotten that crossed my mind. Oh and as I put stuff away (things that don’t currently have a permanent home) I noted it on the recorder, now that was really helpful.

I woke up this morning in a better mood than I have in months; yes even with all the issues still up in the air.

I’m going to try it with my timer strategy, to see if the two can be complementary “time and memory” my two biggest issues.

On another note I wrote a phrase in the letter too that sorta sums up my life, or at least how some people see my life, kinda sorta:

I could write you a list of my failures, and you would scratch your head wondering why. By the same token I could write you a list of my successes, and you would again scratch your head wondering how.

I am choosing to focus on the latter of that statement I’ve wallowed in the “why” for way too many years. Now that I know the “why” of what is going on with me; I can pay attention to the “how” what IS working right for me.

I will still need a lot of help, but I have a plan to start with.

While I was explaining to my sister Erica about how Mom was my way of organizing my thoughts, her face got long like she felt bad for me and was feeling guilty for not being able to do the same thing for me that Mom did. But as I started explaining my idea about the timer and the voice recorder she started to realize I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself and that she didn’t have to feel sorry for me either, or feel guilty, because I didn’t put any of the burden on her, I put it on myself. She opened up, was receptive, and felt she could help in other ways. Just that she felt that way though made me feel supported.

Okay, I decided to write this at 5 in the morning and I haven’t seen it all stretched out yet I’m hoping I won’t have to edit.

Evelyn

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Evelyn, I think that’s what they call a “breakthrough”!

As you develop those methods that work for you, things will keep getting easier, and you’ll feel more in control of your life.  Most of the time.

As you get more used to those methods, you may notice something strange:  that it’s getting harder and harder to stick with them. (I’m finding this with my weight-loss habits that used to be really easy to stick to.) Then, you’ll have to find ways to “re-sparkleize” them, so your brain will find them interesting again. This ADHD stuff is definitely a lifelong process!

That ADHD paradox of incredible strengths and incredible weaknesses, depending on the situation, explains a lot. Once we know that paradox, we can see that any “failures” were mostly due to the wrong situation and/or the wrong time. And that any successes were because we were in the RIGHT situation at the RIGHT time. (Too bad we can’t always recognize which is which, at the time, eh?)

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[Blue Yugo]

I’ve always been shy about asking people (mostly at work) to either repeat themselves or slow down so that I can write down things I need to remember.  Never has any of those people been put off by me asking that of them, and I was told that bosses appreciate it…not the other way around as I’d naturally feared.  I used to think that it was “Failure” to have to ask that of people, but it works…and no one gets mad at you for asking.  And if they do, they’re the ones being rude, not you.

I’m only just adapting to using my cell phone to remind me of tasks.  I think it has an option for voice recorder…if not, my cheap $10 MP3 player has a mic and voice-record capability I should really utilize more often.  I gotta get my mind out of the 80’s when we had those little journalist recorders with the mini cassette tapes.  I was never so lucky to have one of those, but I did have Soundwave, Ravage, Rumble, and Frenzy…for all you fellow 80’s-kid toy geeks out there.  But if I did have one like my sister’s, I would have probably mostly used it for recording “slow” speech so I could use the fast speed option to make it sound like the Chipmunks.  In fact, if I had one today, that’s what I’d use it for.  So you see my problem is that I goof around with stuff instead of actually apply “helper” technology to make my life more organized.

Hmmm…so why if we’re aware we goof up and don’t “get it done”, we still don’t do anything to correct the problem even when it jumps around in our brain?  Anyway, I’m mostly off topic I guess, but I’m on a major hunt right now for workplace advice, and some of this pertains to workplace challenges, so here I am talking everyone’s ear off and thus failing at yet one more thing.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@LittleBlueYugo, I think it’s because we’re so used to being wrong or screwing-up, that we tend to think it’s an admission of yet another screw-up, if we have to ask someone to repeat themself because we didn’t grasp something the first time.

But it’s all in how you look at it.

In fact, it’s a clever communication technique to say, “So, you’re saying, ________?” and paraphrase what the person just said to you.  Or, “I just want to make sure I got that right.  Could you run that by me again, a little slower?”.

Believe it or not, people appreciate it when someone is honest (and wise and prudent) enough to pause and ask questions to make sure they understand what was said.

Even Western Union telegrams offered “Free repetition of doubtful words”!

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[seabassd]

@Larynxa,

Good Advice, something I can try out.

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[blackdog]

Whew! Okay, scrolled down to the end, can see I’m almost there. Just a little more…..No! There’s another page! 🙁 Okay….deep breath…..I can do it….

Made it! And it only took an hour and a half.  Brain hurts a little though. Need to get some coffee before I continue….

Now it’s bed time (got distracted) so gonna have to keep this short. And I have completely forgotten what I was originally going to say.

@Evelyn – You really struck a chord with me. I know exactly how you feel. I have been trying to get it across to my doctor and my therapist for months now. I have a therapist something like yours. He just doesn’t get me at all. Every time I try to tell him about how overwhelmed I am and how I just can’t get enough done in a day he treats it like it’s a “negative cognition” and tries to turn it into a “positive cognition”. I just can’t get him to understand that I’m serious. It’s not that I think I’m overwhelmed, I am overwhelmed. It’s not that I think I can’t get enough done in a day, it’s that I really can’t.

Sitting around like a bump is what I do best. And I never even know how much I have in the bank or how much is going out. My filing system is very similar to yours too. Bags, boxes, baskets, a pile on the coffee table….and a few actual file folders, some of which are actually in the filing cabinet. I have important things to do that I have literally been putting off for years. Like my income tax.

I just lost my job and I can’t even think about getting another one right now. Not until I get some semblance of order in my life. It puts us in a bad situation financially but it can’t be helped. It won’t really be that much different since I haven’t managed to work more than 20 hours a week for the last year anyway. The really scary thing is that I might fail again. I might not be able to get the house cleaned up and organized and take care of all the stuff that needs to be done. I might have to go back to work before I’m ready and end up starting the whole vicious cycle over.

I’m starting to “what if” again. Gotta slow down and take it one day at a time and stop trying to predict everything. I also live in my head too much. And I get too far ahead of myself. I think something is a done deal before I’ve even started.

And I really need to sleep now. Hope everything is going well for you and you are feeling a little less confused and overwhelmed now.

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[Evelyn]

@blackdog,

I’m getting there. I’ve had a hell of a summer. I haven’t been on the forum much in the past three months and have some catching up to do.

My yard is still tore up from the yard sale/flea market, I think if a yard sale takes up more than 2,000 sq ft. it’s safe to call it a flea market, mine was 3,000+ complete with canopies and umbrellas. I had things in departments rather than sections. I have no idea where it all came from, and the sad thing is there is more.

One of our fortunate traits as ADDers is that we make connections to seemingly unrelated subjects/topics/systems whatever. Well I stumbled onto something through AttentionTalkRadio that made me think of the stuff I had all over the place, I mean it was a mess inside the house and out; like something after a wind storm. I think it was an interview with Dr Charles Barkley, he was talking about externalizing to keep us focused, so I think I took it literally. Any way I ended up with the theory that all this stuff out of place was like a snapshot of my mind, the state I was actually in mentally, totally confused, unable to put anything in perspective, didn’t know what thought went where or even if the thought or memory was worth keeping. Of course all thoughts are precious, they all seem relevant, but this theory was fed by another contribution too, a book I had started a year ago who’s position on clutter was that it was the stories attached to the stuff we keep that made it so hard to get rid of. So the basic premise of the book was to acknowledge the stories as stories with the mantra “My stories are my stories and I am me, I am not my stories”. This was supposed to help with releasing the stuff. and it did for a few things. But when the Barkley interview became part of the puzzle for my particular puzzle, it was like all the stories started drifting away, really weird. I was left with just stuff, much easier to get rid of. Now not all of them left, and I’m not fully straightened out yet but things are starting to move in the right direction a little faster. I started this endeavor in March or April, I’ve lost track. I’m sure the post is here in the forum someplace.

I wrote a lot more for this post, and I tried to edit it down to a manageable level but I think I’m too tired, it’s 5 in the morning and I have more stuff to do tomorrow. Truly I get your situations. It’s hard to trust even yourself right now. The loss of a job is big, even if your mind won’t let you think so, it’s big. Just the kick to your self esteem is enough to cause a depressive state for a while. And you might think nothing will ever go right.

I don’t have a TV at the moment, I even went without an internet connection for over a week. Money issues… I forgot how much I hated sitting still. I got a lot done without access to these distractions. I got more sleep too.

I do like to have the computer for the connection to people it gives me, but I can get too involved, and neglect more than I normally would. I also use the computer for Craigslist and ebay, sometimes it pays off pretty good, sometimes not too. I have a hesitation problem because I know the work involved with listing something online, but if you have a friend or someone who can help you by sitting with you while you list stuff or maybe even brainstorm with you on the description, get the facts for you while you type or you get the facts while they type it can go a lot easier.

5:19 am

I will be back, I might even post what I wrote but didn’t add before I wrote that last bit.

Keep your head up puppy, things will get better as you learn more about yourself, and start to see where your strengths are even some of those negatives might turn out to be more positive than you think.

You are stronger than you know.

Evelyn

 

 

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[blackdog]

@Evelyn– Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it. 🙂

Wow, that was one heck of a sale! And I thought I had a lot of stuff.

Clearing out the clutter-both internal and external- is number one on the list. The problem, as always, is getting started. And I just acquired more from my in-laws neighbours. They are moving to New Brunswick and they really wanted us to take some of their furniture. I should have said no but Husband liked it so now it’s all stuffed in the back porch along with the storage bins and baskets and boxes and other odd bits of furniture and bags of clothes that were supposed to go to the Salvation Army 2 years ago….. And then there’s the old Singer sewing machine & table sitting in the living room. I don’t even know if it still works or not and it’s so heavy that Husband barely managed to get it in the door. There’s no way I’ll be able to get it down to the basement like I was planning. Really should have actually looked at it before telling them I would take it.

My day at work wasn’t too bad, but really long and I’m really tired now. I’m going to take a few days to just breathe and then try to come up with a plan. I already have one person pestering me about going out and getting a job. He doesn’t understand and he thinks he’s helping so I’m trying not to let it get to me.  Normally I would have already been out papering the city with resumés and pouring over the job postings trying to scrounge up whatever I can. But I have officially thrown in the proverbial towel. I just can’t keep going around in circles anymore.

I’m too tired to think anymore right now. I need to get some sleep.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Blackdog, depending on the age, model, and condition of that sewing machine, it could be worth quite a bit.  Even as a trade-in for a more recent model, it could still be worth something.

There are a lot of 50+ year-old Singer machines, that are still in high demand, because they’re so well-made, and almost impossible to kill.

I’ll bet it doesn’t seem so heavy & inconvenient, now!

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[blackdog]

@Larynxa I know. That is why I said I would take it in the first place. But thanks for the reminder. 🙂

I’m not sure how old it is or how much it might be worth. I haven’t looked at it that closely yet. Maybe 50 or 60 years. I have to dust it off and see if it works then find a place to put it. Then remember it’s there and use it.  If it turns out to be a dud, I know of someone in the area who repairs old sewing machines to be sent to women living in poverty  in developing countries. I don’t remember the details. One of my former coworkers told me about it and I listened about as carefully as I always do.

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[blackdog]

@Larynxa– The Singer works!  And I can download instructions from Singer’s website. 🙂

And I remember now why I hate sewing machines. 🙁

Too many fiddly little things to deal with and steps to remember. So far I have managed to figure out how to take the bobbin out and put it back in. And that took about 15 minutes.

I haven’t tried actually using it yet. It still needs a bit more cleaning. I think they must have had it sitting in the garage for decades. Amazing that it still works at all. I haven’t been able to pin down the exact year this one was manufactured but it’s a model that was produced between 1960 and 1970. I also haven’t figured out where to put it yet. But at least I finally got it cleaned up and plugged  it in. Not what I was supposed to be doing today, but it’s something.

 

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[Evelyn]

@blackdog

It’s still better than pulling needle and thread through fabric. I’ve had my share of hand sewing, I’ll take a machine thank you. Of course if it’s buttons or decorations, beads and such, hand sewing is really the way to go unless you have a whole lot to do. I’d be taking lessons then so I could use the sewing machine on those too. I don’t usually have a whole lot of fancy stuff to sew anyway.  I do like making curtains, pillows, and other tedious stuff on the machine, I’m making it to use, so I want to get at that as quick as possible.

Now shall we look at my sewing pile?… Oh let’s not.

Actually my sewing pile is way smaller because I decided I didn’t need some of it after all. Though I do still have a lot of clothing and fabric stuff that I need to get rid of because I have a closet and dresser, full tight and some more in boxes, and luggage. I think I only wear about 15% of what I have.

My biggest problem is papers though, I write ideas, plans, notes, and information down so I don’t forget it, then I forget I have it. I actually had to make a binder with reference notes in it for things I’ve had to look for several times. I won’t even get into my actual writing pieces. Information clutters everything more than anything else in my house.

I really understand your frustration with stuff. It can get so out of hand, so quickly that you don’t know weather to light a match to your stuff or under your butt to get you moving, for not keeping it forward in your head long enough to deal with it. But life happens whether we have a ton of stuff to do or not.

You keep plugging at your sewing machine, get it working right and maybe you can trade it for something a little more modern that doesn’t require a degree in machine repair to work with. If you have projects you need to accomplish with a sewing machine it will make it easier to fiddle with because you’ll have a goal you are working towards.

Well now I’m the one getting sleepy. I helped my sister in the yard today, that sun took a lot out of me today.

We’ll talk later.

Evelyn

 

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[blackdog]

@Evelyn– LOL! 🙂

Oh, I have had the match debate so many times. I swear I will be buried under a mountain of to do lists and reminder notes someday. That or the pile of sewing. 🙂

I do have specific projects- pants to hem and take in, things to patch and repair, plus a few things I’d like to make, like some Halloween or Christmas stuff. But the problem is I have to learn how to use the machine first. Then I have to learn how to do all of those things (except the hems, those I’ve done), then I have to actually get everything together that I need, and remember where I put it, and remember to work on it…..And I really don’t want to do any of that. I want to just jump right in and start making stuff. I like to go straight from A to Z.

Last year about two weeks or so before Christmas I got the notion that I could make some paper mache decorations. The idea sprang from the huge pile of newspapers that I was keeping because I was going  to read them sometime. I thought hey, it’s cheap and easy and I already have everything I need.

So I did an image search to get some idea of what I could do, looked up a couple of articles and skimmed through them, tore up some of the papers and soaked them and mashed them… then cleared a spot on the dining room table and went at it. And was completely frustrated within an hour. Two days before Christmas everything was still sitting on the table and I had the beginnings of two decorations, neither of which was turning out at all like I pictured it in my head. And I was still convinced that I could do it. Fortunately I did manage to talk myself out of it and scrapped the idea in time to clean the table off and tidy the room up a bit for Christmas Eve. And fortunately, I don’t have to do Christmas dinner. I would like to but it just requires too much planning and organizing and cleaning.

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