There's a "tone" to my voice that everyone hates

[Anonymous]

OMG, so many resonant posts here, but the one that especially made me feel as if I’ve found my home planet were Chris Kelly’s:

“I can completely Identify with the tone thing, I also get questioned about facial reactions am I angry? The thing is I am not angry (just trying to concentrate) and as far as my tone I try to say things so I am heard and as quick as possible so I do not forget. Is this common?”

::::happy sigh::::

This stuff happens to me all the time!

I love the suggestions here, too. Although we feel justified in speaking to others in our “primary language” as it were because that’s what we know (and, after all, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT SO YOU NEED TO DO WHAT I SAY, NOW!). But we’d probably be happier and feel less alien if we tried to talk like the natives- they’re everywhere! Less chance of exile or banishment, or puzzling drop-outs from our lives.

I think the tricky part is learning that language! It does take practice, practice, practice but implementation is marred by our impulsivity “in the moment”.

It does help to have significant others who will give you gentle feedback on how you come across before assuming you meant it the way it sounded, and also after the fact to bring it up at a neutral time. Then it’s our job to accept the feedback without defensiveness.

Easy as pie! Problem solved!

😈

I’m going to come back to this awesome thread because this is a majorly challenging issue for me; hope it sticks around!

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[kc5jck]

How many here can speak in “body language” and remember what they are trying to say both at the same time? Most of us get distracted half way through a sentence and forget what we were trying to say without the added distraction of “body language.”

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[Shadow Nexus]

I get that all the time. For me, it’s “What tone??”. As I have said before, we see the world very differently from everyone else. We speak a different “tone” and body language. We are out sync with “normal” people.

I quickly get “burned out” from interacting with “normal” people. I don’t have that problem with fellow ADHD people.

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[munchkin]

Filmbuff – I agree – it’s exhausting. People misunderstand my tone, and I misunderstand theirs. I just find myself trying to avoid having any tone at all, and ignoring other people’s tone… I don’t mean to give up like that, but it’s a work-around until I can figure out what the heck is going on.

I know this lady at work who is a genious with these kinds of things. Someone will say the most ridiculous thing, and she will say something so gracious and genuine back to them – and truthful as well. I came to her with tears in my eyes saying – how do you do it???

She just said – well I’m 20 years older than you, so I guess it just takes that long to learn how to do that. I didn’t want to tell her – I don’t know if I can learn that in 100 years

But I’m willing to try… sigh…

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[Anonymous]

Kinda on topic…..communication related anyway. A simple communication tool I use, allows me to stay focused, and allows me to wait for my turn in the flow of a conversation.

When I have a thought…. about something related or somewhat related to what somebody is telling me…… and it happens all the time….I kind of give them the pause sign (maybe holding my hand up slightly) and say quickly…. “remind me of XXXXX”……..which is a one/ two word que…then I quickly say ….”sorry go on”…..and I can return to listening intently. It WORKS….nobody minds, it isn’t rude, because I do it quickly and then give them my full attention………they ALL remind me after they are finished speaking…..it works!!! It kills the impulsive blurt need..it frees one to focus and reduces drift….it is a nice way of sharing with the speaker that your listening and care about what they are saying……….it works…..for me.

Simple, effective……nice little tool, fits neatly in your pocket or handbag….

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

Thanks, toofat- I’m going to try it!

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[Robbo]

Wow,

This whole thread has really freaked me out. On a positive note, I can see where I’ve made a ton of progress. Also it helps me to understand why I’ve had so many different kinds of relationship struggles. All different kinds of relationships. They’re all hard. They all deteriorate eventually. Hope is fleeting, but I have learned to grab hope with an intense kind of death grip. That does indeed help. Some relationships have started to last. And I’ve been able to hold on to some a bit better.

I’m just awkward. It’s a horrible, uncomfortable and keenly alienating way to experience life. It’s my excuse to just give up sometimes. Give up trying to learn social skills. I spend soooo much time reading here. Re-reading, again and again. How is it that when I come here I feel like my problems are no big deal, you guys all understand so much of what makes me feel crazy. Even though I’m actually not crazy. Just different.

Way different. I would do anything to get rid of this ADHD crap. I sincerely do like that DVD “ADD and Loving it?!” but I sure don’t love it.

Then, there are those experiences, a lot of them, when I feel like I’m kindof “the life of the party” in different kinds of social situations. And I do get sincere feedback that helps me to really internalize the good experience. Then that doesn’t happen for another year or two!!! CRAP. I’ve been having more good experiences in social situations lately. Since I’ve been coming here, and studying this ADHD um “thing”.

Why is life such a freaking bewildering confounding puzzle. I know a big part of it is the simple fact that we are not the only crazy people in the world. We absolutely MUST remember that many times the problems we encounter are not our fault at all. We are absolutely innocent. Toofat did a good job of pointing that out. And our solution, simple and clear boundaries. Communication. Articulation. And that takes practice. I’m willing to practice more. I’m willing to make the mistakes that I’ll learn from.

In my case what helps is for me to be Spiritually centered. Unselfish in my motives, and willing to let the chips fall as they will. I simply don’t get to have control over every situation and or relationship that happens in my life. I’m at peace with that fact.

It’s a crazy world, and my “insanity” is not more severe than the next persons. Just different. Imagine living in a world where everything and everyone was always predictable and we never had to stuggle. Never had problems to solve.

Well heck, I would just drop dead from lack of stimulation, boredom.

Some days it pays to not get outa bed though.

I’m goin back to my music now.

Thank you n good nite.

peace.

thurs. 12:46 am pst 2/23/12

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[Anonymous]

wow… I can tell you right now my WHOLE family suffers from this problem for sure. My mom and I can go from a normal chit chat to quick anger because once again we have misunderstood each other and took offence to a certain tone or get anxious over what the other said in a not knowing anxious tone. Ha, while writing this I realize how dumb it kind of sounds but we do it alllll the time… most of the time without realizing it for sure. We are known for our constant conversation jumping and random out bursts of anger or some sort of exaggerated emotion but then we go back to conversation jumping and at some point back to the first original topic. To me that was just how people conversed. But growing up with a family like that made it hard for me when I was dealing with others who did not have ADHD. I find it has caused me to be impatient at times with conversation because it takes nothing much for my brain to think of something random or want to put my two scents in… so much sometimes that I can’t focus much on what the other person is saying… and suddenly feel like they can’t finish what they are saying fast enough so I can say what I am thinking.

So I really like the tip from Toofat. I have got to try that more with my husband and my not so ADHD inlaws and friends.

I can’t begin to count the times my husband has said to me… “you don’t have to yell”… when we are discussing things… and it just angers me to no end because in my mind… ummm I was not yelling! He won’t even say it in an angry tone… but the fact that he thought I was yelling or getting worked up gets my frustrations going. I don’t know about anyone else but I think the worst thing someone can say to me while Im talking about something is… “calm down”. In fact I find that once someone has made mention to my tone… either being too intense or what not… I feel extremely in secure and usually shut down. It really does hit my self esteem hard. I hate feeling that anyone is ever thinking… “oh my word she is soooo dramatic!” And I do think that it stems from growing up and being diagnosed at a time when all the world thought of ADHD was… annoyingly hyper… those kids who just can’t calm down! I think that I never really got over that. Most my life I tried to mask my ADHD so people wouldn’t think of me that way. Looking back I do feel that it was wrong of me to do that.

As much as I struggle with being misunderstood… especially with my tone… I try to think of myself not as over dramatic… but a really awesome story teller… and a very empathetic friend.

I have come to realize that in my own life tone is what can hurt me or excite me the most. I feed off peoples emotions… and I think I have taught myself to judge myself by how people say things to me. Does that make sense? If someone ever comes off as displeased in their tone… I can’t seem to shake it. I harbour this shame that anyone would ever have to use that “tone” with me.

I find when I am dealing with my very ADHD family, tone is what sets us off. We take easy offence to each others tones… even though being ADHD our selves we know it is done unknowingly. hahaha if that made any sense.

We are indeed a more passionate people… yes it is hard when people don’t get that… but honestly who doesn’t love a person who can get energized and excited or extremely sympathetic over something they have to say?! I have decided to try to think that it has made me a great friend because I feel along with them.

So yes I totally get the tone thing… and how frustrating it is when people misunderstand that… but I also love to think we are for sure a never dull kind of people!

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[Robbo]

Hmm,

It’s too dang hard to read today. This is valuable info. I wish someone who’s got themselves “together” more than me would compress all the solutions to this very painful part of our can u worms aka ADHD. I spent a marathon 5 hours with 2 new friends yesterday. Awkward!!! and even I! was irritated by the sound of my voice, my tone. I sounded stuck up!!! I’m am not fu*#@n stuck up. I talked too much about struggling with talking too much. ugh. I’ve got a “complex” about having a “complex” and hate to be told “don’t be so hard on yourself” please don’t do that to me on this thread. Please.

I wish I could stay in denial about this part of ADHD…

any one got easy to read, simple solutions, or instructions for socializing? I can read well more often lately. Not when I need to though.

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[Anonymous]

Simple solutions….???? Sure a there are ton of them actually…….scattered all over this web site….but I’ll give it another kick.

A very simple one is to use “Active Listening”…..it is great for the ADD person because it is engaging for both the listener and the speaker. It is “Active” so you are busying that speedy brain with an activity….. without seeming so to the casual observer…cool eh!!!

Like so…

– body lanquage…lean slightly or tilt your head slightly towards the speaker, it give the perception of attention or interest.

– listen ( do not speak)……. determine the flow of what is being said…..and the drift of the topic. Serious, humor, generally, what is going on, what is the topic???

– nod slightly every once and a while….even say in a low tone…”sure”……”ok”…….’uhum” from time to time, raise you eyebrow slightly….or smile at humor……and leave it at that…….NO TALKING!!!! Use eye contact (limited)…..not to the point of discomfort.

– if the person talking is off track or says something you believe incorrect or don’t agree with or think is STUPID…. “Leave IT Alone”…….do not correct them….who cares, really…..it is probably not important to you or your life in any way….not really….keep quiet and keep your opinions to yourself!!!!!!

– if it is a gathering…… after a short time of this “Active Listening” excuse yourself when appropriate…. and drift to another group, start the process all over again.

It’s that simple…really!!!!

Another conversational aid is to asking questions ………short short questions….about somebody your maybe just meeting or find yourself stuck in a corner with.

– Where do you work?

– How long have you been working there?

– What exactly does that job mean?

– Do you work in a group….how many???

You can do essentially the same thing around hobbies and interests, or what ever…..similar questions…then “Shut Up”….flip into the first set of Active Listening behaviors and you off.

People will love talking with you or “TO YOU”…..they will think you are great company…….why???? Because people feel engaged…you will appear to be able to talk about anything….and you behavior sends signals of congeniality…..and they are put in a very comfortable place because they are talking about themselves!!!!!! Really your just enabling them to speak inside their comfort zone…….cool and easy!!! No pressure on you….and really no pressure on them……win win!!!

Do not be fooled into falling into the “what about you trap”. If the conversation takes that direction turn it right back. Using these simple simple tools you can spend the night talking to a Rocket Scientist….or Computer Guru…what ever….let them carry the ball, they’ll love it…..and love you for it!!!

It takes a while to get on to it…it is a skill no different than playing piano or golf, but once you get comfy it’s good, you will enjoy gatherings and social situations, waaaaay more!!!!! It works every where from the Board Room to a social Bar-B-Q. I would suggest try it at home with your family and close friends until it is no longer mechanical sounding (and it will be for a short time)….then get out there you social butterfly!!!

It works….it really does…… I’ve been doing it for years both socially and in business situations………with nothing but success.

Easy to say….I know….but you’ll be surprised how quickly you will get on to it. Trick is short term….then get out, a nice excuse me, then move on….you can work on extending time as slowly as you want.

Toofat

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[munchkin]

I love it toofat – the “what about you?” trap! That one gets me every time.

I’m trying to be a good listener, trying to keep it about them and not me and then bam – 30 minute monologue about me, followed by realization that the person is just looking for a way to get out of the conversation.

Let’s see – turn it back around techniques – “Me? Same ole, same ole… anyway, you still haven’t told me about your family – what grade is your daughter in? Wow – that’s such a great age – what’s her favorite subject?”

haha – munch

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[Bill]

My problem is being impatient. Do you think that might be ADHD related? It can come across in a bunch of ways, most of them not good. If I have had enough sleep and am not late for something, I can muster the patience to wait for the other person to finish what I *know* they are going to say, but I’m not always successful (particularly, I have to admit, with my wife).

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[Tiddler]

I find that I’m the opposite with body language and facial expressions – I struggle without them because I rely on them to fill in what I’ve missed of what people are saying. I do quite badly on the phone and conference calls are a nightmare for the same reason.

However well I think I’m reading body language though, I simply cannot convey what I need to with my own body language and tone and am frequently asked if I’m okay when I’m fine and am a quivering wreck before someone realises there’s something wrong.

And I have a ‘sigh’ that I apparently do that sounds like I’m really fed up but it’s just the way I breathe. Every now and then I seem to need to take an extra deep breath. Maybe because I think it’ll help me wake up a bit?!

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[Anonymous]

Hi Munch…….she is a woman “27” and has a BA in English and working on a Marketing degree to go with it……..thanks for asking. Daddy’s so pleased…… thanks for the bragging opportunity.

What about the brood…??? I think I did respond….hmmmm….about my ADD positive house….I try not bore others with tales of my kids……better to bore them with tales about……ME!!!!!!!

I understand the problems…..clearly. I only posted those communication tips because somebody asked. I do understand (as people have posted)…….that they have issues. I guess the point is these are a SKILLS……not always or even often natural skills but are more learned skills, and with time and practice they can become a part of our repertoire, and eventually, part of who we are at home, at work and socially. But….it takes time….and effort……like many good things in life. The alternative is……?????

Sure Bill…I get that…..that is why active listening can work so well for us…….the impatience and impulsive blurting are curtailed due to the “Active” part of the process. Inactive time is our “Demon”….our busy head takes over….yes??

Same Tid……….being idle in conversation enables “Drift” where as “Active” listening is not idle and is a great way to stay focused.

Anyway…..folks as asked for communication tips……sooooo…..asked and answered. They work for me…and they work well, but it took time to develop them…..and desire. They are now a natural part of my “people act”……… give it a whirl…..try it at home. I bet the animated arguments….or heated conversations will be waaaaay reduced. Was at my house!!!

Funny you would think with two ears and one mouth it would be easier to listen than talk…………you would think.

Toofat

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[Robbo]

great stuff!

<<<<<But I’m willing to try… sigh… >>>>> & <<<<< And I have a ‘sigh’ that I apparently do that sounds like I’m really fed up but it’s just the way I breathe. Every now and then I seem to need to take an extra deep breath. Maybe because I think it’ll help me wake up a bit?! >>>>>

yep me 2, keep tryin, keep breathin

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[Author]

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