[e123tu]

I agree. For me it took several workplace disasters before I sought therapy seriously, which was the first piece of the puzzle. More recently I also saw an ADD coach when we realized I had that too. Just today, I realized I’ve been happy for nearly two years of doing my own thing at my own pace.

As a documentary maker, I like to think of my mental hard wiring as making me a hunter-gatherer who is aware of all of the glittery things out in the woods and can bring them home to make sense of them.

I also am grateful for my energy sensitivity, as it really helps me get the most interesting stuff from the most interesting people. It used to cripple me that I had no boundaries to other people’s moods. Now I realize I also need it to do my work.

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[e123tu]

Following up on the last paragraph I posted above, I’ve just found out that there is karma in the world. However, sometimes it’s less than instant.

My scary former boss has finally been shown the door, after 13+ years of gamesmanship, odd behavior and indirect bullying of many people who answered to her.

It’s really tough to be a people pleaser when the person you are trying to please keeps changing the rules, intentionally.

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[e123tu]

OK, so here’s part two.

My therapist told me, before I was diagnosed with ADD, that it’s important to be totally, literally clear as possible about other people’s expectations of me. However, some of my “people” in my old office were impatient, moody and unpredictable. So, it was truly difficult for me to say, “Please clarify some things for me before I get started,” or “Help me to understand what is exciting about this project for you so that I can produce what you want.” Often I would just say yes in order to get as far away as I could from them as soon as possible.

After I started my own business, I became so much happier and more confident in my professional skills. My clients love me and I love them. However, I still had a big procrastination problem and would sometimes stay up all night to get something presentable to my clients for our mid-way meeting.

I found an ADD coach through this site, Totally ADD. (Thanks!) She was surprised as most people find her through referrals. Anyway, she gave me a big piece of the puzzle that my therapist had started filling in.

She told me that my number one priority in my work is communicating with my clients.

She said many ADDers try to hide from view until they have something good or even great to show their bosses/clients/parents, etc. This usually ends up with my being late, and the work isn’t precisely how they thought it would go.

She said they would rather hear about your progress and do mid-course corrections. If the project takes longer, they are there with you on that journey. I’ve found this to be PRECISELY TRUE! Plus, they are no longer worried about my ability to deliver something they can be proud of, so they are always very nice to me!!!

I once thought that conversing about the details of work was very scary (because my boss was scary), and now it’s become a way to cope with my fears. It’s a miracle of sorts. 🙂

 

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[e123tu]

This is one of my big issues, too. I’ve finally made some significant progress on my people-pleasing behaviors, though, after many, many years of being a doormat for bullies at work. I’m still learning, though, and this thread has several great points for me that I’m going to try.

Here are some of the things that helped me:

– Write stuff down versus holding it in your head. Have a pad of paper and a pen everywhere you hang out, especially places where you tend to zone out and think about every issue under the sun. This way, you can avoid worrying that you will move on to new thoughts and forget these great concepts you have now.

– You have a right to make any request work for you. An example could be that your mom wants you to take time off of work to drive her to all of her medical appointments. You could say “yes.” You could say “no.” OR, you could ask Mom to schedule her appointments on Mondays, so that your entire work week isn’t put on hold.

– Similar to the advice that Cesar Milan gives to dog owners, use a “calm assertive” tone. The less emotion you bring to the conversation, the more others will respect your stance.

– Discuss ground rules when emotions are not high. When college dorm roommates move in together, they lay out ground rules so they can get along with minimal discord. You can discuss:1) Your decision to take on work that you can get done on time and well; as well as what your boss prefers you to get done before anything else; and
2) Agree upon how you will communicate with each other about things that may be problematic for you.

And, finally, it’s been extremely important and challenging for me to practice giving as little back-story as possible about how I’ve reached my decisions. The more I describe my thought process, the less confident the listener often becomes that I can deliver the work. Also, they will think they know me better than they actually do and give me less benefit of a doubt.

By telling my lengthy back story, it’s like I’m apologizing for taking up their space. It weakens me and opens me up to bullying.

I have some other thoughts that I might add a little later. Off to sleep at 6 in the morning as I’ve gone freelance and also somehow freed myself from the 24 hour clock.

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