[e123tu]

Hi, I’m back after a long while with more questions about my young adult relative.

As I wrote on page 1 of this thread, my relative went to my ADD coach for three sessions. He convinced her that his case is much milder than mine.

However, vanity aside, I believe I’ve been doing fairly well lately, with less procrastination and more accomplishment than ever. A lot of it has to do with working for myself.

In comparison, my relative is really floundering. He took a detour from non-ending community college to try living on his own in another state. About three months later, his grandparents drove a great distance to rescue him from an emotionally very dark place, and now he is living with them (temporarily, they hope). But as wonderful as they are, they consider him a problem and want him to snap out of it.

His positive points are: he’s smart; he’s great at technology; he loves cats and gardening; he’s well spoken. His obstacles include:

putting off learning to drive;
never having held a job more than a few weeks;
not tuning into other people’s feelings very well;
talking at great length and volume about topics no one cares about;
acting like an expert in areas he knows little about and discounting others’ input;
withdrawing temporarily or permanently when he doesn’t like a conversation;
never cleaning up or taking care of himself or others;
staying up all night playing networked video games and sleeping all day;
and having few in-person friends outside of the family.

So, my question is this: If he doesn’t realize how bad his ADHD is, and no one wants to consider whether he has Aspergers and/or executive functioning disorder, is he destined to be homeless? Is there a practical way to approach anyone close to his situation (father, grandparents) with useful information and advice? Are there places in central New Jersey that can help young adults with multiple issues like these? Are there places where he can get group help and/or group living?

Many thanks in advance.

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[e123tu]

It sounds like you are making amazing progress. You must be very, very proud of this.

I hear you about needing time to get things together financially. A question you might ask yourself is whether there are any emotional, financial or physical risks involved in waiting to move on?

I’ve found that sometimes cutting your losses quickly may allow you to move ahead sooner than waiting for the perfect time. But that’s in my experience. You know your own situation best.

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[e123tu]

@hppyfs

Simplifying is the hardest thing for us ADDers to do!! I tried it before my diagnosis and thought it was impossible. However, I was trying to limit myself to one activity at a time, and that’s just against my nature.

Now, I try not to feel bad about planning to get only one or two “real” things done in a day, and then I dread my projects less. It’s a work in progress.

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[e123tu]

Thanks for the coach approach. I tested step 1 on his father this afternoon and it seemed to help him.

The dad was getting anxious about a lot of changes in the near future, and I said I bet he’s proud of how far he’s come in dealing with difficult situations. He agreed and brightened up a lot.

I also told him about talking with his son about how they communicate with each other at a time when the dad isn’t frustrated with the situation. He agreed to try that.

I would also like to hear from other parents/relatives on this forum who’ve encountered the non-stop talking thing in their children/young people.

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[e123tu]

Hi. I recently introduced a young relative to my ADD coach. He had been diagnosed as a kid but had not had any treatment since being a young teenager, and now he’s in his early 20s.

At first, the coaching produced dramatic results, and he is getting along with his parents much, much better. But at the last visit, the coach was convinced that he had mild ADD and he doesn’t need her help anymore. He agrees and feels very validated.

He is doing better at attending school and getting his work done. But he has a “talking thing” that I feel is a real liability. When he gets started on a topic he likes, such as computing and tech gadgets, he can pontificate at high decibels for an hour (until I say I have a headache and need some quiet time). He also espouses opinions about the world that aren’t necessarily true. When challenged gently, he insists he has researched and knows everything about the topic, even when he actually has no experience in the matter.  Once he has an idea of something he thinks is right to do, he cannot let go of it.

This is really hard on his family members, who have been through a lot in recent years. His talking thing is immediately noticeable by anyone, and it’s so ingrained I don’t know if even the school of hard knocks can help.

There are other issues, but this seems to me to be the road block to his becoming self-sufficient someday.

Do you have any advice?

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[e123tu]

So, uglytoad, I hope you are OK. Has anything new occurred?

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[e123tu]

I have that emotional sensitivity in spades, too. For the longest time, I thought it was a problem for me, as I couldn’t get over other people’s bad moods in the workplace.

But as I read your comments, I recalled that my old office had a staff retreat less than a month after I started there. There was some kind of personality quiz in which you had to guess which person was described in each item. I was the only one who got all of the answers right, and I won a giant plush tiger.

Also, for some reason, people feel free to ask me for directions almost every single time I walk in town and in other cities. I really do happen to know where I am, so I figure:

a) My inner compass superpower is so evident that people can see it from their cars; and/or
b) I am the least scary-looking person around.

Until recently, I tried to hide my powers so that people wouldn’t single me out for emotional bullying. My wish is for everyone here to get some relief from this fear and once in a while feel great about being themselves now and then.

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[e123tu]

Spngbob, that’s good, I hope!

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[e123tu]

These superpowers are go0d ones.

I can envision things that don’t yet exist, like the style of a documentary, or a piece of jewelry I want to make.

Because I’m a natural hunter, I orient myself by visual landmarks. So, I’m rarely lost — but only in the daytime!

I’m a great world traveler, who does not freak out in new situations because I love the visual and sensory hyper-stimulation. I take better photos when I travel, as the freshness is exciting to me. I’m also really talented at understanding mixed-up English.

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[e123tu]

Here’s an amazing article by Yashar Ali on women and “gaslighting.” It really helped me to separate what I was doing and feeling from what other people told me I was doing and feeling.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

Here’s an excerpt:

“Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction — whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness — in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.”

 

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[e123tu]

BTW, it took my friend several years to realize her man wasn’t going to behave differently enough or care about her needs enough to keep her safe.

It took me several years to realize that putting up with an aggressively bad situation at work was harming me. It took me a year after I started seeing my therapist to get up the courage to resign my job and start working for myself.

As my therapist advised me, some people are alarmed when you “leave the tribe” to follow your own path. That is their issue and not your concern. And, actually to my surprise, once I had committed to my path, very few people questioned it.

Perhaps with a good adviser — minister, rabbi, friend, therapist, coach, women’s counselor, etc. — you could come to some clarity about what is best for you without having to put up with it for as long as I did and my friend did.

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[e123tu]

I hope you are ready for some strong words, because I am more worried about YOU than I am about your partner. You are clearly a good and caring person who likes to take care of people you love.

However, I hate to say this as someone who has ADD, but regarding your partner :

1) Some impulsivity can be forgiven and forgotten — like eating a whole box of cookies and not remembering most of it.

2) His other kinds of impulsive action can be life-threatening to you and dangerous for your sanity. His sleeping  around is bad for your self-worth and could give you a fatal or very serious disease.

Please take care of yourself first. The odds are not good if you are depending on him to change for you.

You are the only one who can protect yourself. He probably is not manipulating you on purpose. Rather, he is doing whatever he needs to feel some kind of balance.

Having a close friend who went through this kind of relationship — and my getting dragged into dangerous situations because of it — I know that a person with this much dysfunction cannot be worried about your issues too.

He may say he wants to be there for you. He may cry terribly when you talk about splitting up. However, this remorse is almost always temporary.

You don’t even have to justify any choice to take care of yourself by explaining it to him. In fact, an explanation is not required and may be problematic for you.

I haven’t had the same problems as you, but I’ve been very abused by my employers, who I tried to help to do better for many years. Seeing a therapist was a tremendous help to me in putting my own worth into perspective, vs. what my employers wanted me to think. None of it was really my fault.

I truly hope this helps. Good luck.

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[e123tu]

It is truly horrible to be in a job where the politics are more important than the work. I wonder if that situation is extra depressing for us ADD-ers. It was for me, at least.

Anyhow, my therapist helped me put the abusive treatment at my old office into perspective. She even coached me word-for-word on how to respond when my bosses bellowed crazy charges at me. (E.g., they said to me more than once: “At your level, you should know what our A.V.P. wants BEFORE you meet with her! If she twitches or changes her breathing, it’s YOUR responsibility to ask her if she’s uncomfortable with something.” This is not an exaggeration, truly.)

My CBT therapist helped me cope with all of the trauma. My ADD coach helped me to understand the way my specific brain works so that I don’t have to flog myself anymore.

It’s interesting that there’s a variety of CBT that helps people with ADD. I have no doubt that that modality can work. My therapist doesn’t have ADD expertise but I wouldn’t trade her in, ever. But I did group therapy for 6 weeks and did see some people resist therapy, and they became very frustrated that they weren’t getting anything out of it. I enjoyed talking about myself and so if they didn’t want to talk, then I used up the time for my concerns!! After all, I have plenty of thoughts going on in my mind.

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[e123tu]

We are going to the beach now, but I had a thought I didn’t want to forget.

I was treated first for general anxiety and depression, due to the mistreatment I endured at my job (and others did, too). Then getting help for ADD was just the extra missing piece for me.

Being anxious or depressed certainly doesn’t help anyone’s “progress.” I got SO much out of cognitive behavioral therapy, and actually mostly enjoyed it. My therapist was just right for me, focusing mainly on the present and not on the past unless I brought it up.

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[e123tu]

I like to think about the metaphor of each person having his or her own special cross to bear.

By learning about my ADD brain’s limitations and special attributes, I feel like I have a little bit of a head start in discovering my true self, even if it’s happening in my second half-century of life. It makes it easier for me to stop apologizing for doing things in ways other people don’t understand.

I learned about the metaphor of the special cross to bear about 20 years ago. There was a homeless women who lived on the sidewalks of our central business district.  She was known widely as “The Duck Lady” because she often quacked at passersby.

One day, I learned at an event that she had died. The city’s leading homeless advocate, a nun, said something about her that I’ll never forget (at least in spirit, if not word for word):

“She had Tourette’s syndrome. We all have our special crosses to bear, but at least she knew what hers was. And she bore hers with particular grace and dignity.”

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