[gforcewarp9]

“do you have any friends who could help organize your house?” Gawd No! I hate having people go through my stuff and hate even more being told what to do with it.”

Ah well, if the clutter doesn’t bother you, then don’t bother with doing anything about it! I just suggested that, because clutter in my house bother’s me big time, and I would LOVE help organizing. To each their own! Could you send your uber-organizer friend to my house? 🙂

Yeah, I think I’m going to go back to school here in the near future. If I pursue all the “A.D.D” assistance at school, like get the school counselor helping me to get all the accommodations I’m allowed, getting the teachers on board early and getting them to help me stay on track etc, etc… I can actually do pretty well in College. I just couldn’t keep going in the past, because I couldn’t keep a job, so I was always having to leave school because I had NO stability and NO money. I couldn’t even get financial aid or loans, because I had defaulted on an earlier $2000.00 loan, so I  couldn’t get any financial assistance at all. I just have so much CRAP stacked against me. I’m only just trying to get ahead. I’m made to feel like a dead beat for defaulting on that loan. I have a freaking disability that makes keeping jobs very difficult. How…how…and why….

When I look up, all I see is a mountain above me.  A mountain of obstacles.

 

It was the most depressing catch 22: I’m trying to go to school so that I can eventually create stability in my life, but the lack of stability prevented my from completing school. It’s so…UNFAIR! I’m pretty smart, creative and I have a lot of ingenuity. I deserve a CHANCE!

I just want a chance to not live in fear and worry and desperation. I want a chance to show the world what I can really do!!!

Is that so much to ask?

 

 

 

 

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Hi,

Thanks for that.

Yeah, everyone keeps suggesting exercise–I’ll tell ya, if I exercise anymore than I already do, I’m going to wreck my body and die of exhaustion…ha ha. I am really SERIOUS mountain biker, I train on the bike 3-4 days a week, and I’m in the gym 2-3 days a week.

You’d think it would help–and it does, temporarily.

I think I need warm sunshine and light, not gloom and rain and early dark days.

O.K, and maybe some brain re-training.

Thanks everyone!

P.S, who ever designed this website for ADHD’ers, put the “Submit” button in a very hard place for anyone to find, let a lone someone with ADHD!

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[gforcewarp9]

 

Hi,

Sorry, I didn’t mean to do to you, the same exact thing that I was complaining about! I meant it as a compliment/encouragement.

Speaking of house organization and friends, do you have any friends that could help you organize your house? While we are all talking about the ADHD buddy system, that might help if you had a friend come over and help you organize/sort/and get rid of un-needed or unwanted stuff.

I used to have a big problem with being messy and having a really disorganized house, but I got into a routine a while ago with cleaning and sorting–because I realized that I actually really NEED to have a clean organized house, or I will go crazy. Believe me, it doesn’t stay that way all the time. I’m not a perfectionist by any means, but I actually feel better about my life when the house is mostly taken care of . It’s hard to get started and it feels really overwhelming when it’s a mess, so if you have a friend who will help you tackle it, that might help.

Well, I guess it’s an impressive list of skills, however I’m not really an “expert” at any of them. I’m more like a “Jill of all Trades.” I’m not expert enough to really teach any thing, or even nec. getting a job doing any of it, as I have NO degree or any other education to back any of it up. It’s hard to make a living as an artist around here, even with an Art degree, let alone with out one. I guess what I can say, is if the right person came a long who had a business and could see that I am capable of learning whatever is thrown at me, and that I’m a self motivated self teacher, I would think that would be something someone would see as an asset. I just have little belief in myself so… I almost got a job as a reporter on at a local paper in Washington. I got down to the last 6 candidates, out of 40 or so, according to them—based on the “strength” of my writing. But of course, they hired someone with a Journalism major. Instead seeing the positive in that, I remember I just felt depressed, and defeated. I just think, I’m never going to get hired with out a degree.

I literally, do not know how to make anything of any of what I can do in a way that fits in with the current Capitalist paradigm. I simply have not made the “right” choices.

Cheers, and thanks for all the kind words and good advice.

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[gforcewarp9]

Thanks.

Blackdog–O.K, is it a Led Zeppilin reference? You sound really creative as well! That is one thing us ADHD’ers are good at: creativity–our minds are suited for spontaneous associations and quick, improvisational thinking–you’re Christmas gift comes to mind. Oh, and we’re really, really thoughtful and sweet at times. Once again, you’re Christmas gift comes to mind! Most ADHD”rs, have something very, very genuine, charming about them, and I think your story of the Christmas gift that you made your husband is really touching. 🙂

As per my sewing:
I know…I’m really, really hard on myself. Would you believe, that I taught myself to sew 6 years ago?

I’ve taught myself a lot of things over the years: How to do work on my car, how to sail a boat, how to play guitar, how to understand basic music theory, how to paint, how to cook–I’d say I’m a pretty good home cook, after years of eating top ramen and steamed veggies. But no. None of it’s ever any good enough, because none of that makes me a dime, or gets me ahead in life in any way. Yes I know, I’m focusing on entirely the wrong thing. It’s just hard when I have friends who are making $80,000 a year as an RN. I think… man, I should have gone to school for nursing. Who cares how creative I am when I am FLAT F*&^%ing BROKE.

However, not that I don’t take any personal responsibility, but the system were in is not really conducive for Creative Renaissance types–unless, I don’t know, we can really, really  believe in ourselves, maybe get some good guidance,  and also get lucky on the way. That first one is a tough for me. My self esteem is pretty fragile.

I was just playing guitar and singing right now–something I LOVE to do. I LOVE to sing, and I keep trying to get better at singing and playing at the same time. Year after year I think–O.K, THIS will be the year I get up and perform in front of people, and year after year, I don’t do it. Everyone gets mad at me, and pesters me about what a great voice I have, and how I’d better darn well start letting people here it, and every year…well… I have very little confidence,  I have terrible stage fright, and my mind goes blank when I perform–even though, I grew up doing theater! WTF gives? I LOVE singing I WANT to perform! I’m NOT getting any younger!!! How can I get past this fear–before I DIE!!!??? It feels like a lead albatross around my legs.

I need to do this for the very survival of my soul. MY VERY SOUL IS AT STAKE, PEOPLE!!!

Ya know, I don’t mean to sound like, “oh hey, I’m so great! I can do this, and I’m good at that, and wow, aren’t I just peachy and talented!” Well, maybe the insecure part of me wants strokes and people to notice. But, really– I can’t seem to make any forward momentum with any of it, so it all just ends up making me feel WORSE about myself, not better. I wish.., I wish I had NONE of it! Then there would be NO PRESSURE.

As for sewing, yep. It’s competing with Parenting, Mountain Biking–serious mountain biking and athletic training. (I’ve been a serious out door athlete for a long time as well…) Music, and Art. I don’t have time in my day for everything I love.

However, I think I could pull off a few sewing days a week. I just need to get into a routine again. I’ve got hats down. They don’t take much time. Also scarves. It’s sourcing the material and designing–choosing what colors and what patterns to go with what–that takes the most time.

As per a “keeping on track buddy, ” I think I just met a friend who is a fellow ADHD’er, and we are hitting it off. I am hoping, that maybe we’ll be able to help each other.

Here’s the thing I think with a lot of us ADHD’rs: it’s not that were not smart, talented, creative, and even disciplined at times–the biggest hurdle I have, and probably a lot of others with ADHD, is my belief in myself. I struggle to believe in myself. I want to, but when ever I try–these waves of fear come up that threaten to swallow me up. Sometimes, it feels like I have a heavy weight, like a heavy black fog over my chest–it’s oppressive and hard to breath. It’s fear, but I don’t know why it’s there or how it got there. All I know, is that I want it gone. I want to be FREE.

FREE

FREE….it’s just another word, for nothin’ left to lose…

Buenos Suenos Sinoras,

Gforce.

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[gforcewarp9]

Thank you for your response, SDWA.

 

Intellectually, everything you’re saying makes sense. It seems like, most of the time I can accept myself and even laugh at myself, and then–I don’t know what happens. It all gets turned on it’s head, and suddenly, everything feels bad.

That is AMAZING that you have committed to write a book and that you are doing it! That’s a long term project with a lot steps involved, and only you deciding where/how/when to write. For an ADHD’er, that kind of self-motivated long term project would be incredibly daunting, at least to me it would be! I think there’s a novel or a book or two in me, but sticking with a project like that over a long period of time makes me feel queasy just thinking about it. So, that’s pretty awesome of you to believe in yourself like that. What have you got to lose?  I keep trying to tell myself the same thing.

I went to the local Christmas Craft fair today, and once again, tried not to feel bad about not having made things to sell there again this year. I make really funky hats, scarves, and clothes out of recycled material–mostly t-shirts, sweatshirts, and wool. I have all these hats cut out and ready to be sewn/serged together, and did I get around to making them? NO. You have to pretty much get on the list to these craft fairs about 4 months in advance. These things just seem to come and go, and I’m where….out in space or something. Long term planning is just not my Forte.

For a while, I was sewing twice a week, and I sold my things at local farmers markets when I lived in the Islands. So, I have been that “Rock Star creative person” from time to time, but I can’t keep it up!  I even participated in a fashion show a few years back. However, I got kind of burned out on sewing–it’s a lot of work and not a lot of money in return. So, I haven’t been doing hardly any sewing for about a year. People keep saying to me, “Do ETSY.” Honestly, I feel like I need someone to freaking hold my hand, and walk me through all these steps that it takes to actually make money from what I’m doing. It’s overwhelming to me. I’m not a business person, and I don’t even know where to begin. Hello, it’s Christmas time: I could have made some extra money!!!

You know what else? I had some clothes in a local shop that closed down, and the owner kept trying to get a hold of me to come my stuff, and I kept forgetting and forgetting and forgetting, and finally he left me a Facebook message saying, “I’m moving to Victoria in 2 days, where can I leave your stuff?” I messaged back some ideas, but I never heard back from him, and now I have no idea what happened to all those awesome drawstring dresses I made! Why didn’t I go pick them up? IT MAKES NO SENSE!?

I love your idea of having a “buddy.” I would love to cultivate that kind of relationship with another creative person. What I really, really wish, is that I  could afford a coach. I think being able to go to someone and sort of spill out all my stuff in a jumble on their desk, so to speak, and have them make sense of it and help me come up with a plan, and then help me stick to the plan, would be AMAZINGLY helpful.  It’s all about money for me, however. As in, I don’t really have any. I feel so frustrated, that I can’t “afford” the help I need to be successful! I know life’s not fair, but sometimes, it’s really, really not fair.

Anyway, that’s awesome that you’re writing a novel and that you’ve found a way to help yourself follow through. Very inspiring.

Sometimes, when these things feel overwhelming, I just have to tell myself–“one step in front of the other…and just worry about the first step, and then don’t worry about the next step until your done with the first one. Rinse, and repeat ad infinitum.

Thanks again!

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Thank you, Blackdog.

I like your username–I have two, really big black dogs! They are Newfie/Lab/Belgian Shepherd mixes, and they are wonderful. They came as a package deal with my husband, and I promptly adopted them.

I swear to god/ess, if you catch me in few days, my crap colored glasses will have been re-adjusted. That being said, this stuff that’s coming out of me right now, boy, do I EVER want it to

I know, intellectually at least, that I’m not the only one that hasn’t lived up to there “potential.”  I just want more for myself. I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll be having these same feelings and having this same rant in 10 years. 20 years. 3o years…oh–to late, time to die.

My brother is the  Web Editor of a weekly newspaper that just won an award for “Best Web page in North America. I am really, really happy for my brother. It’s funny though, I was the one that got aaaaalll the attention for my talents when we growing up. Where is my award? I know, that sounds terrible, doesn’t it? I can’t even just be happy for my brother’s achievement and leave it at that? I lOVE my brother.

The jobs I’ve held in my life include,  barrista, call center customer service person, “exotic dancer,” short order cook, prep cook, waitress, bartender, stage hand, Alaskan cannery worker, salmon troll boat deck hand, sawmill helper, landscape laborer, a stint as a free lance reporter,  and  boat refinishing  (painting/fiberglass repair, varnish, etc.)

I was fired from everything except: exotic dancer, stage hand, cannery worker, sawmill helper, and boat re-finisher, and free lance reporter. That last one was on a “need only” basis for a very small paper.  Many of these however, were seasonal or temporary.   Now, between all of these, I spent a lot of time unemployed and looking for work and trying not to feel bad about myself. For a while, I tried going back to school. I kept having to stop because I couldn’t afford it, or…I don’t know why–probably a lot of good reasons I think, my life always seemed to be one crises after another.  Choices, however,  aren’t always great when your poor. Come to think of it, they’re mostly lousy.

I haven’t worked in a few years. I am supposed to be retiring in what, 2o some odd years? Retiring…from what, exactly? What money am I going to live on? I’ve paid almost nothing into social security. I don’t have “savings.” I live in fear of being an old homeless lady pushing a cart full of cat food (and I won’t have a cat, get my drift?)

I only have one kid. What if he moves to Japan (oh wait, NOT Japan–Fukushima has “fuk-ud” up Japan.) and I just get a Christmas card from him every year that I pick up general delivery (because I’m homeless,)  that says, “Wishing you a Merry Christmas. I hope your well,   you’re loving Son.” Aaaaahhhhh…and she wakes up in a cold sweat.

Criminey, there I go, off on tangents again.

You’re right, I shouldn’t be so darn hard on myself. I know other people are struggling. I’ve known A LOT of other very bright, talented “strugglers.” Lots. Too many, in fact.In Port Townsend, I used to say my friends and I were in the “struggler’s club.”

I just want to accomplish some goals, pursue some long lost dreams, and maybe…I dunno, DO something with one of those “talents.”  Before I’m dead.

Is that to much to ask?

Come to think of it, I could have just written that 3’d to last paragraph, and called it a day. Instead, I’m writing you a Novella of my life. As if my story is so damn important!

On that note, thanks for all you’re responses. I really, really appreciate someone who can have empathy and be the voice of reason, when I’ve lost it and tossed reason out the kitchen window.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, I’m on Vancouver Island.  I just googled for support groups, and couldn’t find anything. I’m going to keep lookin’ around to see what I can find.

Thanks. Again! Oh yeah, and I don’t always just go on and on and on and on about myself. And I bet you’re wondering, “I see that she’s edited this…why isn’t it shorter???”

Goodnight! 🙂

 

 

 

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Thank you, SDWA.

Yeah, I dunno. I just feel like I have this heavy weight tying me down, or heavy fog that I swim around in or something to that effect.

I feel so frustrated always coming to this place. I feel like have to try 10 times harder, if not more, to just deal with ordinary life stuff. I feel great when I’m on top of it for a while, but crushed as soon as it starts slipping.

You know, I’m 43. When I was a little kid, everyone told me how “smart” I was. All the adults in my life told me how “talented” I was–at art, at writing, singing, acting. I had so much potential.

Even now, when people see the few paintings I’ve managed to finish over the years, despite the fact I have no formal training, (other than art classes, but not painting specifically) they tell me, “Wow, you should really keep doing this, your paintings really pop.” In fact, my Aunt who is an Art History professor, thinks I could make a living at it.  Then, there is my writing. When I was 12, a school teacher friend of my mothers, loved one of the stories I wrote for a school event so much, she thought it should be published. I was told by my acting teacher when I was 12, that I had “college level” acting abilities. As an adult, I got an A on all my essay’s for my College English class, (though, I’m sure my comments here need some editing) and I was the Music Editor of a local, volunteer run paper. Everyone said “You’re a  writer! That’s what you should be doing!” Or, they hear me sing, and they say, “You’re a singer! That’s what you should be doing!” Or they see the clothes I make out of recycled t-shirts, and they say, “Wow, you’re so creative! This is what you should be doing!”

Well, what am I doing? I’m 43. My sewing room is a mess. I haven’t done any sewing for a year since I started mountain biking again. I was going to get my hats made for the Christmas fair, but as I just saw the poster for the fair, it’s to late already, again. I said the same thing last year. Every year I think, “I should try out for a choir,  and every year goes by with me not having done it. I just forget. Every year I think, I’m going to practice my guitar more and learn 5 songs ALL THE WAY through: Not happening. As for writing, well I do most of it on the comments section at Truthdig. Pretty much a waste of my time.

What I’m getting at here–the thing that sometimes really gets me down–I mean really, really down– is that growing up, when I wasn’t in trouble for one thing or another, I was told how “smart” I was (if only I’d “apply” myself) I was told how “talented” was. People expected me to do something GREAT with my life.

Instead, I dropped out of high school, ran away from home, and since then I spent most of my life marginally employed and marginally housed.  I’ve struggled to get by and just live, let alone pursue all these talents I supposedly have. I’ve been fired from nearly every stupid menial job I’ve ever had, which is apparently all I’m qualified for as a high school drop out.

I’m 43, and what the F*CK does it matter if I have all these “talents” if I can’t ever do anything with them? What’s the point of being “smart” if I can’t stick with school or anything else? I wish I could just give my “talents” and “smarts” to somebody who could actually do something with them.

I’m sorry, I keep trying to pull myself out of this crappy hole of self pity, but I just can’t seem to pull self out of it right now. I’m angry and I wish I could find some help I’ve had a diagnosis since I WAS 24! What good has it done me? I’m still not getting anywhere.

I don’t have my residency in Canada yet, so I can’t get free medical at the moment (long story) and I can’t afford to see a therapist or Coach. This has pretty much been the story of my life. I need help but I can’t afford it. People will say, ” can you afford not to? And I’ll say, well, I already need to pay car insurance, rent, and my kid needs new shoes and a winter coat. So, no I cannot “afford” $90 a week even every 2 weeks.

Sorry. I’m ranting into the wind.

I’ve got laundry to put away, that hasn’t been put away in a week. I’m going to go do that now, and then maybe I’ll at least feel better about that.

Thanks

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Ha ha, no worries–it’s funny, because as an A.D.D’er, I can sometimes be long winded, which makes it really hard for other A.D.D’ers to actually follow what I’m saying for long…:)

Yeah, I dunno. I don’t know if I have any other criteria for Bipolar–I have been through extensive tests, so maybe this is just a normal part of ADHD mood swings. Or I seem to recall, my original Psychologist that tested me mentioned in the lengthy report I got after testing and interviews, that there was a good possibility of an underlying mood disorder– I actually think he may have called it cyclothymia. I believe it was stated that it was not “ruled out” or something to that affect.

It just seems like, it’s been worse lately. My moods do seem to be triggered by events–like I said, perceived “failures” or monumental mistakes or awkward encounters. However I would say, I DO NOT always react so strongly to these situations. It seems like, much of the time, I might have these disappointments and immediately be able to put them in their proper perspective– and then once and a while, my mood goes black for several days…and it’s not “mild” either. I’m crying, irrational, depressed…my ability to deal with life fly’s out the window: I’m snapping at my kid, my husband, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to talk…I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel guilt, shame, the WORKS. it’s like I just fall down a rabbit hole for a day or two, and when I come out, I feel pretty worked over for a day or two. I also usually have a lot of apologizing to do.

But yeah, seeing a doctor is a great idea. I am going to see if I can make an appointment tomorrow. Why speculate when I might be able to get some real answers. I am definitely tired of feeling whip-sawed, and my husband thinks I’m in need of serious help (though he won’t go to a doctor for his own depression!)

Anyway, thanks everyone for letting me talk this out.

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[gforcewarp9]

I agree. The affect my A.D.H.D has on my life is very real. My “perspective” trick is only meant for when I’m really in a state of anxiety, agitation and depression over perceived failures. Sometimes when I’m really in a dark place, I have to think of SOMETHING to be grateful for–it’s like throwing myself a life-raft.

Yeah, the routine thing. That’s just it: I feel so good about myself when things are going smoothly: i.e, I remember to return library books, I don’t forget my kids events, I pay the bills on time, and I remember to take out the trash. But when all my little routines–notes, lists, checking calendars, etc. start to fade away, and the chaos comes back, I fall into MAJOR funks. Actually, to call it a “funk” is putting it mildly. I really hate this roller-coaster. I just want to be normal! Or– I don’t want my self-esteem dependent on whether or not I’ve fallen off the organizational wagon.

That’s just it: are these mood swings I experience just a symptom  of a poorly functioning self-esteem? Do I just feel good about myself when I’m on track, but come crashing down when I’m not? Because, if so–that is TORTURE. That’s basing my worth on something external, and I am routinely setting myself up for failure. However, I’m still not sure if that’s all there is to it. I don’t know if that is it, or if there is something else going on–maybe hormonal? My reactions to perceived hurts, slights, rejections, failures and even criticisms can really be so out of proportion to reality, that I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me at times. It causes a lot of problems in my marriage–probably MORE than the A.D.H.D symptoms.

For some reason, when it comes to my son, I feel really, really wretched when I realize I’ve forgotten to take him to a friend’s birthday, or an event, or that I am always forgetting it’s pajama day, or finding wrinkled up forms at the bottom of my purse that needed to be signed weeks ago…racking up $175 dollars in fines on HIS library card from losing books. (in my defense, we moved twice in 4 months)  Today, I FINALLY remembered to turn in a Hot Lunch form so that he can get hot school lunches twice a week. I found the form at the bottom of my backpack, a week and a half after my son brought it home, wrinkled, creased, dirty, with bits of food stuck to it here and there. I turned it in at the school with my check and placed it on top of a whole pile of perfectly clean, white, tidy, neatly written out forms, and it just felt like a referendum on my worth as a mother. I know, silly. Really silly. However, if I get a few things happening like this over a course of a few days…down I go and it all starts to snowball.

Who cares about tidy white forms anyway? Why do I CARE?

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[gforcewarp9]

Hi there–

Yeah, I’m by no means diagnosing myself–I’m just wondering, because these depressive moods aren’t just depressive–a month ago I was really agitated as well.

While I don’t have symptoms of “mania” apparently Bi-Polar ii, is much harder to diagnose, because the person suffers from “hypomania” which is mostly a period of elevated mood–which I would not at all be able to be sure I’ve experienced. When something is not extreme, it’s hard to figure out what the realm of normal is… sure I’ve had periods where I’m excited or happy for no particular reason, but is this “hypomania?”  In any case, from what I’ve read about Bipolar ii, the person suffers more from the depressive episodes, which are more frequent than they would be with major depression.

I suffered from pretty major post-partum depression, which they also say can indicate Bi-polar ii, however– rapid speech? Different than being A.D.H.D rapid speech when exited or nervous? I don’t know…Elevated Mood? Different than the ups and downs of A.D.H.D? Hard to tell. No periods of spending sprees, or any other excessive periods of impulsive behavior that would be markedly outside my normal impulsivity and poor decision making…hmm.

That all being said, I have been going through some real wing-dingers lately, where for a few days,  I am just–sad, irrational, experiencing overly excessive guilt, shame, etc. I can be irritable, or even really agitated the last time before this it happened, I was really “cognitively stuck” on things not going the way I wanted them to–and the more they didn’t go my way, the edgier and angrier and more out of control I started feeling. I mean, it was a little weird. The only thing I can say here, is that at the time, I had been taking Nytol and Melatonin to sleep, and I wondered if that had anything to do with it. Also, I’ve been taking Melatonin to sleep all week, and I’m just now reading that it could possibly exacerbate moodiness. However, I have dove off into these little deep-ends all by my self in the past, so I just don’t know.

Anyway, if it is just regular ol’ A.D.H.D mood swings, I would love to find a way to do something about it. I feel out of control and not myself when it’s happening.

Anyway, just thought I’d throw that out there…

Thanks!

 

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Hi there,

Thanks for response!

I’ve been thinking about this all morning: after several bouts lately of seemingly  disproportionate reactions to my perceived failures, i.e: days of sever depression, crying, irritability, anger, etc, I am now starting to wonder if I don’t have a co-morbid mood disorder.

I used to think I got into these funks because I go through periods of low-self esteem, but I am beginning to wonder if there isn’t more to it. I have had episodes of Major Depression since before I was even a teenager, though I was  not diagnosed until much later. I had years where I didn’t suffer at all. lately however, I’m realizing that I go through shorter, but intense bouts of depression that leave me feeling exhausted and spaced out. I’m wondering now if I don’t have something like Bi-polar II. I don’t know, lord knows I don’t need yet another label, but I am really starting to get concerned with how my mood will plummet for days over perceived inadequacies or failures. I seem to lose all perspective for a few days, and when I come out of it I feel kind of mentally/emotionally  wiped out.

I don’t experience anything like real mania, so I’ve never even entertained the thought I might have some form of bi-polar, but I’m starting to wonder.

It seems to go beyond just accepting myself, as some days, I am A.O K with whatever monumental mistake(s) or awkward interaction I have. Much of the time, I don’t read to much into people’s behavior. Something just happens sometimes–something triggers me and switch seems to get flipped.

So, while there is definitely an element of low-self esteem that I have to contend with from years of perceived failure, I dunno–I am beginning to suspect something else might be going on besides the ADHD. Very difficult to tease these things apart at times.

Interestingly, I never seemed to have this problem when I lived in Southern Arizona, which is where I lived at the time I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 24. I remember being quite A.D.D, but otherwise pretty even-keel. I was then, as am now a pretty hardcore athlete and mountain biker, so I thought maybe all that exercise had something to do with it.

However, for the last 15 years, I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest, and I can honestly say that there has been an increase in both Major depressions and these shorter bouts since being in this gloomy part of the world–and  I’ve been mountain biking/training/lifting weights again for over a year, and this is still happening. Yikes! I have a life up here with my Canadian husband–should we move somewhere sunny? Am I imagining this potential correlation? Well, I digress.

In any case–interesting, SBWA, you and Blackdog describe yourselves as introverts: extroverts get all the A.D.H.D attention, so to speak, don’t they?! I believe my husband has A.D.D, and he is clearly an introvert. While he can certainly socialize when he wants to, even be the life of the party at times–usually, he doesn’t want to. It takes way to much out of him. He would probably never, ever go to a party or a  social function if it weren’t for me.  If I want him to go to a school play or event for our son, I have to really bring out the big guilt guns.  Remembering birthdays, phone calls, anniversaries, etc…not his bag–which is o.k, I remind him to make plans to take us out on our Anniversary, and I don’t take that personally.  He hates to answer the phone with what I can only sometimes describe as a pathological passion.

Interesting how we can all be so different yet still suffer from the same darn thing!

Anyway, that’s my 2 cents for today. I’m trying to figure this all out because I’m so tired of suffering…I’m getting to old for all these ups and downs! (O.K, early 4o’s, but still)

Thanks for listening…!

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[gforcewarp9]

Thank you for your kind response.

Some days, when I am in serious need of perspective, I have to go straight to the “well I could be living in a hovel in Afghanistan, living in constant fear of drones firing missiles over my families head…” trick of finding something to be grateful for. ADHD is certainly for real, but sometimes the things we stress out about are truly, “white people problems.”  While I certainly would not want to l invalidate my/our feelings– sometimes, a little perspective can help pull me out of the self esteem blues.  You know, it’s funny, because It’s not really our mistakes that are the problem, it’s how we feel about them.  If I have a weird encounter, rack up my kid’s library card with fees, and have a fight with the post mistress in one day, man– I can really lose perspective quickly and then go down  a deep dark hole  for a few days. Other people make mistakes and go on about there lives without questioning their worth as a human being.

Yeah, I will try to find a support group.  I don’t live in a large place, but you never know. I actually wondered earlier today about putting myself out there and starting something myself. As per my family, well…my husband may one of us, so as such, he’s no help!

As for friends, I was lucky enough I suppose, to be born an extrovert. This helped me a lot in my earlier 20’s and 30’s, when I was young, single, wild and free…(sigh.)  So, that helped me for a long time to make friends…but I’ve always had to overcome some social anxiety, and lately, the extrovert-ism’ will often have it’s foot shot by the social anxiety– which seems to have gotten worse over the years. And unfortunately, as an extrovert, I need people! I like them, and I want them to like me. I want them to like me to darn much. I don’t know…I’m O.K for the most part alone and then for some reason, WHAM, I get hit with a bout of lonlieness.

I like your buddy system idea. I’ll  float the idea out there if I get to know anyone with this affliction. I used to do sticky notes, an Ipod with calendar/reminders etc (stolen.) and I write a lot of lists. I’m good at keeping this up for a while, but not consistently.

I’ve lived with this for so long, you’d think I’d have developed a better system for dealing with this stuff by now…

Thanks again for your great ideas and support.

Cheers!

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Yeah, Tucson is a “right to work” state–an oxymoron if ever I’ve heard one– as well, but the wage at the union was’nt great, but it was better than alot of other things and the work was fun….

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[gforcewarp9]

Hey miguel–

I dont know where you live, but Im wondering if its a large enough town/city to have a stage hand union. I worked for the stage hand union in Tucson for-- 5 years. One of the only jobs Ive never been fired from. Seriously, even though the work is mostly the same, its always different. Differnt show, different venue, etc. etc. Lots of a.d.d stage hands! Its good, because you are usually working with a crew, you are usualy doing one thing at a time, and its almost always interesting. I started out with zero experience. You dont have to join the union right away, most use on call folks, and thats your foot in the door. I showed up for bottom of the barrel gigs like setting up/breaking down for conventions--etc. I got on crews because Id show up earlier than anyone else and work really hard. In a few months, they started calling me for stage work, and I worked my way up to being a stage electrician– hanging lights, etc. Now why would Ieave such a job you ask? Well thats a story for another day! Anyhoo, when youre ready to go back to work, you could check them out under I.A.T.S.E local (?)– stands for International Assosiation of Theater and Stage Employees. Hope your in a city where they exist, or else this won`t be very useful, but I thought it might be worth a shot.

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[gforcewarp9]

Wow, you have run the gamut with the meds! It sucks to feel like you are whacked out and experimenting all the time.

You know, the movie is what inspired me to try meds again. I was kind of exited, you know like Oh yay, everything is going to be better now

Maybe that was not a good expectation to have. I used to suffer from alot of anxiety and had terrible panic attacks as well. I dont have full blown panic attacks anymore for some unknown reason--unless I am near say, the grand canyon or someother really high drop off, and then, whatch out! Anyway, I hope it gets better from you, I know its no fun. If it makes you feel any better at all, Ive been fired from about 95% of the jobs Ive ever had, and because I was always getting fired, Ive had alot of jobs! Also, the system is f**ked up, you know. Wall street bankers are getting record bonuses while more people join the ranks of poverty. Dont think that that isn`t by design.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

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