[hum4n]

thanks Lindsey3 🙂

You have highlighted a significant part of what I’m working through, with the guidance/counsel of my doc/therapist. Self non-acceptance is a huge root cause of so much I have challenges with. When I got the ADHD diagnosis, everything I began to understand and realise brought in a huge amount of self acceptance. So you are absolutely spot on !

To answer your question. I suddenly began to write every day at the age of 17. This happened after I had a series of panic and anxiety attacks (2 of which I didn’t know what was happening and I thought I was dying and went to hospital.. I thought my heart was stopping). Before then, I was extrovert and impulsive… after that, I became introvert and shut down my impulsivity. I think that the reason I had all the anxiety and panic attacks, was related to the first 17 years.. where I experienced tons of mistreatment, abuse, judgement, labeling, marginalisation.. and in that time I always thought I could take whatever anyone wanted to throw at me.. I thought no one could get through. But I think internally I couldn’t take it. From 16 to 27, I didn’t have any relationships with girls.. even when I fell in love/felt heart and soul attraction. My self non-acceptance was in the form of seeing nothing inside me. Or something bad. That I couldn’t give to someone who I loved/liked. In that time, I was driven to see people who were in hopeless situations find hope.. and people who needed love, get loved….. I built my adult life around that… thinking it was the purpose of my life…… but I think that I’ve done that, because I thought it could never be for me, but when I saw it happen in other people, it let me taste that. Anyways… so for about 10 years I worked with homeless people, people with addictions, people in serious debt, kids, youth.. in many community based projects and charities. I walked alongside people living on the streets addicted to heroin, to seeing them off drugs, finding housing, jobs and being reunited with their families. And many stories.. and it was everything to me. I embraced the emptiness of not having anything “for me” that my heart longed for… because it felt like the most real thing to me. Even when real feels bad, it also feels safe in its certainty. That’s why I wonder about so many people in prisons… people with ADHD who get labeled bad so much.. and with a series of unfortunate circumstances and experiences, do something criminal… and they “own” that “I’m bad” character….. and the hope of letting go of that is repeatedly damaged.

After years of working with people… I realised I had no money, no “secure future”… so I pursued music. With a vision of creating a “creative production house; producing media which promotes and enhances the communication of positive messages and values in society”…

And I research and think constantly about philosophy… what’s going on in my surrounding world.. and within me…. to find messages to communicate.

But I realise now, I have been driven for the wrong reasons. But I can’t stop… It’s not built on self acceptance within me…… it’s built on self-nonacceptance.

I can’t even progress properly through ADHD treatment, because I am trying to road map every step of healing I make, so I can communicate that to someone else some day. I need to get out of the “hole” I’m stuck in…. which I can see the way out…….. but I can’t stop thinking about how I can help someone else out of what feels to them, like being stuck in a hole with no way out.

I am obsessed with this, to the point that it is a real disorder. And I don’t pretend it is honorable or good in itself…. I just need to find a way to focus on me. Anyways……… I’m packing up all of my studio equipment next month… and stopping everything for 6 months. I’m going to simplify everything, do gym, exercise, diet, sleep, meds every day… and therapy every 2 weeks… simplifying everything I can……….. I think it might bring up anxiety and panic attacks… which I haven’t had for 14 years….. but I think as I open those places inside me again… that could happen. That’s reminded me of an abstract song I made about 8 months ago… when I started to see what was happening in me.

When I make music, it’s always quirky. I have a limited window to create it in, before my hyperfocus drifts. So I usually spend 4 to 8 hours on something and make it up as I go. This is a track (linked) I made about the self acceptance. But it’s more of a dream… or a journey… than something I have really broken through in….. It always will be a journey, I know that. But I know there are monumental breakthroughs along the way too.

Thanks for your kindness and acceptance….. which gives me access to being kind and accepting of myself again 🙂 xxxx I am mostly blind to it…..

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[hum4n]

I played this today… decided to hit record before I played… as I always play and then say, “wish I recorded that!”….. anyways… I didn’t know what to call it… but after reading the original post here.. I’m calling it lost…. because I feel like what you described has the same frequencies I am communicating in this music……. also with the constant changing of chord progressions… like the constant modulating attention of ADHD…

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[hum4n]

yes I had this a lot growing up. Well, even today.. all my life. But for sure, when growing up too… I used to play piano or draw when I got into that place… sometimes when other kids were doing other things, outside playing. I also used to sneak out at night from a young age… and just walk around empty streets in the dark (with friends I encouraged to join me lol… I was also terrified of the dark when on my own)…. when I was outside at night, I didn’t feel lost anymore… I felt alive….. also walking around forests…… when other kids did sport, I went out into forests and walked around. It was frustrating for my teachers also, because without training I still competed at national level in swimming, javelin, discuss… and played rugby and did other things which teachers were desperate for me to understand how much potential I had. Also in art and music…….. and generally… that “lost” way I behaved… teachers hated me for it… it made them so angry.. to the point of rage. I didn’t hurt or harm anything or anyone…. but the way I behaved was so beyond them… beyond my peers, teachers, everyone around me…. that it just seemed to them to be the most horrible arrogance or something……. I remember all their faces bright red with anger, some litterally throttling me around the neck with their hands… screaming in my face, “You have ruined the end of my 15 year career!!!!”….. or “You are an evil spider that spins a web and pulls everyone around you into it!!!!”…. “you are a worm!!”….

Also… when I get lost and disconnected from everything… people can take me for being slow. When I’m really just not on the same planet at that moment… and not “slow” at all in how they think.

Feeling lost and like I have no idea what is going on… describes most of my life…. it describes how I feel when I wake up in the morning. When I visualise where I feel I am…… It’s like I’m not on earth really… like I’m in a desert place with signs of what used to be life submerged in the sand.. and there’s a peacefulness to it… but also an emptiness…. but not an emptiness that has any desperation for anything else… or  like I’m orbiting earth and just not on planet earth……. I sometimes think I will actually be in that position some day… just in a pod… looking at earth and floating away into an abyss of the cosmos.

Wow ! baahahah… that was fucking depressing rofl…. well… what’s good, is that with a diagnosis, seeing a doc, getting treatment… and taking really taking those steps to find the best treatment available…. there’s massive progress to make….. and over the last year, I feel a lot of progress has been made. And recently, I have identified what things in my life bring overwhelming distraction and chaos to my mind…. and I’m making big changes…. and simplifying my life… and getting stuck into treatment…… and step by step, come back to planet earth.. and be here. Who I am, more 🙂

Hope that’s less depressing at the end… lol

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[hum4n]

I don’t have any sources to offer. I only wanted to comment to acknowledge what you are doing is good, in my view.

Anyone working as a therapist or anything in mental health industry who “doesn’t believe” in ADHD is unfit to practice on any level with people.

For them to arrive at a conclusion of, “I don’t believe in” something without looking at scientific evidence, studies, research….. this persons approach to constructing a lens which they “believe” things through; is moronic… and it is damaging to other peoples lives.

I wrote back to a therapist who saw me for about 6 months after I dropped out of university, after repeating the first year twice and unable to do with course work (undiagnosed ADHD)….. And I was desperate to study, but couldn’t do it…. and it was so disappointing and depressing to drop out. I went to see this therapist for 6 months….. and even though my ADHD symptoms are glaringly obvious…. this therapist never said a thing about ADHD.

I wrote back to this therapist 5 years later, after I got diagnosed. Really polite… and just asked this person to confirm that they know what ADHD is, and they can identify it in clients. As it was a great struggle for me, to have spent another 5 years without that diagnosis and the treatment that is now changing my life.

This therapist wrote back, “Unfortunately I cannot get into email discussion with anyone who is not a client”. Pretty much just that, and “good to hear you feel you are making progress in life. Good luck”.

urrgh….

I wrote back to my university…. I was in and out of the learning support department, getting assistance writing essays and course work… they tested me for dyslexia and all sorts… couldn’t find out what was the issue was.

To me…. this is unacceptable for this still to be like this (this is around 2007 kind of time)…… that cost me around $30,000 USD to drop out of that course….. can I not expect a learning support department in a major UK City to know about ADHD ?

Again, I wrote really friendly email….. and was essentially treated as though I had walked into their building… and asked a question…. then after waiting a couple of hours… someone comes down stairs smiling at me, “Hi, nice to meet you. Yes.. yes…”… smiling at me and placing a hand behind my back and walking me in a direction, smiling, “yes, yes, ok, that’s nice.. yes”… then pushing me out of the door, “Ok, bye bye!”….

So…. I thought a little bit.

Then I wrote back 🙂

And I said something along the lines of, “Hi, I didn’t like the way I was treated when I last wrote to you. I feel offended that you have marginalised me in such a discriminative way, due to my minority group human variation in cognitive function. I asked some very simple and polite questions, which were met with dismissal and unreasonable responses. My initial intentions were to just know that other students do not have the same unnecessary challenges which I faced. I had not intended to make statements to media publications, take any legal action or inform representatives of anti-discrimination groups in universities. Mostly because I assumed my requests were simple and there was no need to create something time consuming that could potentially last for months. However: 1. You have now offended me, and made me feel bullied and marginalised. 2. I feel passionate enough about wanting to know that your learning support department can identify ADHD symptoms in students, to save a lot of unnessassry suffering in peoples lives; that if you do not give me answers to this simple request, I will gladly take on the task of giving you and your department a lot of extra work over the next few months, including what negative press I can get you, and I will also explore what legal action is possible to reclaim damages I incur.”

Then they wrote back and assured me that they now knew what ADHD is… and that they are able to identify it and where appropriate, recommend seeing a doctor for an assessment.

That’s better 🙂

Before it was just, “Unfortunately we are not doctors and cannot diagnose students.”…. And I said, “I am not asking you to diagnose students……”… and went back and forth with them…. but they were just smiling and pushing me towards the door, to get rid of me.

Urrgh…. anyways….

I think what you are doing is good. Many people told me, “get your own oxygen mask on before being concerned about others!”…… Well, maybe that’s the correct way for some. But in some situations for me…. I will always be “putting my oxygen mask on”… and if this journey can’t involve looking out for others too…. and working towards being a support and help for someone else some day too….. then I that takes a lot of drive away from me… in making changes I need to make.

Sorry…. long comment… I can’t stop when I ought to. Nice one ! 🙂

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[hum4n]

Hi redarno,

thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond ! really appreciate that loads 🙂

Nice to connect with you through this forum !

I am going to get my hands on that book as well. I’m still in the middle of this crazy project… but it’s almost at the finish line. So the “6 months break” will start soon. Looking forward to it.

thanks for your understanding and support. Means a huge deal.. thank you !

hope you are well !

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[hum4n]

yes I hear you about the different times. I have often been mistaken for being slow and judged as a bit “dumb” for it many times.. then when people see how quick I can be too, they realise I’m not so slow hahah… it’s also a bit like the inattention and the hyperfocus…  It seems that most of the world doesn’t know what to make of people with ADHD.. and also, I often don’t know what to do with myself in this world.

Well, now with the diagnosis, I’m learning so much. It’s great to be here and have access to this forum, and speaking with you Angelicdemon 🙂 I really enjoyed reading how you write, as it is a way and language that feels just like my way and my language.

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