[klmillscats]

Hi Richard,

Clearly you and your wife have a good marriage, or it wouldn’t have lasted 21 years, and you wouldn’t be in this forum if you weren’t looking for answers and council. I certainly don’t have everyone’s answer, and am not qualified to council, but I can speak of my/our experience.

Communication in a calm setting is probably the most beneficial thing we’ve done, and we do it often. After that, is realistic expectations. Our conversation often revolves around discussing the strengths and weakness in our mutual characters. For example, when both of us identify a weakness in the other, it allows us to work out how the partner can help fill a void caused by weakness. I know I’m very weak understanding anything mechanical, but with a photographic memory, I know where my husband dropped his keys. So we recognize that my husband can fix darn near anything, and I know where the screw driver is! Neither of us feel like we “mother” the other, when we accept our roles.

Early in our marriage, we used to agree to meet for lunch. After he lost track of time on several occasions, and stood me up, I learned I needed to adjust my expectations, or be repeatedly disappointed. Knowing that time management is a weakness for him, we work within that understanding.

You are wise to go for an official diagnosis, and I’m sure the counselor will make recommendations for you and your wife that will make your marriage even stronger than it obviously already is. Keep in touch, and I wish you both all the best!

klm

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[klmillscats]

Marriage SOS,

As a non-ADHD wife, married 35 years to an ADD husband, I can relate to a lot of what you said. And in many ways, the earlier years of our marriage were the most difficult. Under the best of circumstances, marriage is an adjustment. Season it with ADHD, and it’s even more of an adjustment. My husband was not diagnosed until our 8 year old daughter was tested. When she tested to have ADD, and the counselor spoke with us, we quickly learned that my husband had it too.

There were two huge things that helped immediately. First was to adjust our expectations and recognize both the strengths and weaknesses in each other. A seminar helped us work through some of that, as well as simple life experience and not sweating the small stuff.

Second, I can really relate to your reference to nagging. I never wanted to be perceived as a nag, but I often felt in a catch 22 if he, for example, forget his cell phone. Should he be angry at himself for forgetting the phone, or angry with me for reminding him to pick it up? At the seminar, they urged the ADHD family member(s) to “give permission” for the non-ADD member(s) to remind them of things. Once he gave me permission to remind him of things he identified as weak areas, I was no longer a nag, and he wasn’t as often troubled by not having it all together.

Finally, any marriage needs respect, humor, and identifying that line you don’t cross. Knowing that ADHDers can have anger issues, it’s even more important to identify that line, take it VERY seriously when the line is crossed, and act promptly with damage control when it happens. It’s also important to remember that ADHDers feel things deeply, and silence/sulking is your enemy. Calm conversation is a balm in any marriage.

I wish you and your bride the very best, and congratulate you both on researching ways to make your lives better.

Bless you

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[klmillscats]

@ramblinon, thanks so much for the insight. Fortunately, since my original post, things have settled down, and my husband is seeing some progress with his to-do list. I appreciate your insight though. I always value hearing from others in similar situations, and hearing how they work through each others strengths and weaknesses. I have found ADD to be a mixed blessing as are so many others! Your advise was also helpful suggesting I ask him for guidance in this regard. I often ask how I can help, and perhaps my question should be more specific and to the point. Thanks for that insight!

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[klmillscats]

Having had time to ponder this a bit, (while our calendar is clear and he was working on a project!), it has raised the question to me as to whether perhaps ADD/ADHD people have a different concept of time than non-ADD’s? Or perhaps we all have our gifts, and the gift of scheduling and time management is not a gift of the ADD brain.

Whatever it is, it seems to be a touchier issue than some others. For example, we attended a seminar years ago, and it was advised that if the ADD family member was aware of an area of concern, such as forgetting his keys, he or she could “give permission” to another family member to remind them to get their keys each day. This has worked very well with except in the management of time. For example, if he’s surfing the internet, and I remind him he had planned to mow the grass, apparently I don’t have permission to remind him of that! It’s as if time management is an entirely different and complex chapter in the ADD book. Maybe someday I’ll have time to make this an area of study!

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[klmillscats]

Hi @blackdog, good to hear from you again too! So sorry your Christmas was disappointing and spoiled by the flu. Our daughter was down with the flu too so our Christmas was also a little different than planned.

Thanks so much for your valuable insight and advise. It helps a lot! When he blew, saying he didn’t have time to get anything done, and I asked what he needed to do, he couldn’t/wouldn’t answer me. I got the impression from that, that he was feeling overwhelmed, so I suggested he make a list, and I would clear our calendar. That caused him to go into a sulk, yet he made a list, and today, he had time to get at least one of his projects done with time to spare. Yet he still seems a bit sullen. I don’t know if this makes sense, but he seems frustrated at what he doesn’t get done and yet not satisfied when he does get something done. At any rate, for my part I just create an environment where he can get to a project if he wants to. And I know that given time, he’ll settle back down again.

Thanks again for your insight and your kind words. It really does help! 🙂

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[klmillscats]

@blackdog, yes, each society has it’s verbal and social games. And for what it’s worth, the US is not the worst offender in this area. And I have to say, I’ve learned a great deal from my husband about thinking before speaking, and choosing the moment. I tend to be reactive and am learning to be proactive and mindful. It’s a process, but most things are.

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[klmillscats]

@blackdog, you sound much like my ADD husband. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard him talk about how his perspective is often different from other people. He’s learned to bide his time and chose the moment. I’ve often served with him on church committee meetings for example, and have watched him. He will be silent while all the usual opinions and static are brought to the table, then he picks his moment and prefaces it by something like, “Maybe we should consider….” So what could have been something deemed stupid at the beginning of the meeting, he instead times it so that he comes off looking like the “wise old sage”. If they only knew….. 😉

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[klmillscats]

@blackdog, I think you may have nailed it with possible added stress. We’ve no doubt that his mother had undiagnosed ADD, and she later developed dementia. His father died of complications from Parkinson’s. Both of these being brain disorders, and I’m sure he’s wondering what the future holds for him. It should also be noted that his parents didn’t exercise proactive or preventative healthcare, and made some extreme choices in their lives that included  massive doses of vitamins, supplements, and even colloidal silver. Does anyone know if there’s any research connecting ADD to other brain disorders?

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[klmillscats]

@blackdog, LOL! Thanks, I don’t take it personally! And who knows, maybe my posts will eventually show up somewhere…

@geoduck, thanks for the advise, and confirmation. I used to just let him blow it off, so to speak, but as he gets older, the self-anger seems more intense, and perhaps making a larger dent in his ego. Or maybe I’m just paying more attention. At any rate, on several recent occasions, I’ve gone to him to see if I can help with the problem, or simply to offer him a break and a glass of water. It seems to, as you describe, clear his head. It seems to help, and he can then resume his task without the crippling anger.

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[klmillscats]

I’ve already posted two replies, but they aren’t publishing. So for the record, I’m not being rude, just suspended in cyberspace!

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[klmillscats]

@wanderquest, I’m in East Texas, and it’s HOT! over 100 degrees over 20 days this summer, and this weekend projects to be the same. Maybe I’ll come up to OK to cool off a bit.

I’ve met some amazing and courageous people through the forums, and am continually educated and inspired by them. Love this place!

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[klmillscats]

Hi keepingthefaith!

You’ve gotten some really good advice. I, too, am an ADD spouse. My husband was diagnosed when our daughter was nearly 20 years ago. My father once told me, “If I never teach you anything else, remember these two things; never marry a man thinking you can change him, because you can’t; and never assume the loan.” Well, I’ve never assumed a loan, and when I married my husband 31 years ago, I thought he was just eccentric! Rather than dealing with the ADD, we deal with the effects, sometimes taking baby steps to make minor lifestyle adjustments that can often impact areas of life you might not expect. For example, when we first married, we lived in a mobile home which is somewhat like living in an alley way. When he would get home from work, he would start unloading his pockets, dropping something on every flat surface from living room to bedroom; top of the TV, coffee table, dining table, kitchen counter, washing machine, you get the picture. Next morning, it’s, “where’s my keys, billfold, checkbook, pens…” After watching this performance for a few weeks, it occurred to me that in 29 years of life, one mom and 2 wives, no one had ever told him that if you unload your pockets and put everything in one place, it will all be there tomorrow. This simple thing made a huge difference, allowing him to figure out that if he assigned a place for something, it was more likely to be in that spot every day! Baby steps. I can’t change him, and we don’t talk about ADD because that’s too broad a subject, we just address life and how we can make things better for all of us. Anyone’s self esteem improves when we can see how little improvements in ourselves can make a positive difference. Good luck!

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[klmillscats]

Being the only neurotypical in an ADD family, I love this thread! And you’re so right in describing my family as well as providing insight to some of what I’ve seen in them through the years.

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[klmillscats]

I’m grateful for my ADD husband. Life is seldom boring!

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[klmillscats]

I love hearing from you. Your comments are so enlightening, as this entire website. What a blessing!

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